xoxoshadiaxoxo Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half almost now. We used to talk online on msn and skype every day for hours and hours; we used to even sleep with the webcam on until we wake up in the morning. Even if I haven't heard from him one day he would text or call me to say hi even if it's late at night. Last time I saw him was in July when we took a trip to NY together; everything seemed like it went perfect. But about two weeks ago my bf has suddenly stopped coming online on msn, so I keep calling him to ask him how he's doing or why hasn't he been online. I know that my bf always hated chatting for long hours, but in the past he used to do it anyways just because he wanted to talk to me. Lately, he hasn't been making the effort to talk to me. Friday I decided that I wasn't going to look for him online or call him. Well guess what he never came online or called me either... Saturday I did the same thing..no word from him again; he came online around 11pm that night and said "hey" but I wasn't there so I couldnt reply. I called him as soon as I got the msg cuz I was missing him so much. On the phone I was asking him what his problem was..why he hasn't been coming online..he keeps telling me he doesn;t like chatting and doing stuff like that. But I tell him that that is the only way we can communicate since my phone bills have been too high lately. But he didn't even say he would try and come online as often as he used to..he just said "ok but I don't feel like coming online all the time". Then he says that me calling him is enough. As the phone conversation continued I was talking to him about some friend that got engaged; My boyfriend was like "you also act like we're engaged". I couldn't understand what he meant by that and he wouldn't explain himself. I thought that maybe he meant that I was too clingy? or that I call him too much? But later on he was like " you always talk about the future but we're only 19 and we're too young to be talking about marriage and stuff like that". The weird part is that about a month ago he was always the one talking about wanting to marry me one day, and how he'd propose and all of that stuff. So I asked him how come you suddenly act as if you never spoke about marriage? When did you decide you didn't want to think about the future? Apparently he made that decision a few days ago without even talking to me about it. I'm in this long distance relationship and every day for the past two weeks I've been trying to understand this boy's behavior. He tells me he loves me a lot and that he misses me. But why is he being so distant and weird all of a sudden? I don't know what to do anymore, this has really gotten me upset and I really need some good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
sunflower89 Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 In my opinion it sounds like he's trying to back up a little. He doesnt like chatting but that's the only way you guys can communicate? Doesn't sound like he's that interested in talking to you..I think you need to confront him and ask if he's having second thoughts. You owe it to yourself to know whether you are wasting time (and in my opinion, you are wasting time) with someone who is eventually going to break up with you anyway. What's the situation with you and him? Why are you long distance? Link to post Share on other sites
jumi Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 agree with Sunflower... you need to get down to the root in the sudden change in his behavior. Just be very straightforward with him.... he needs to know that this relationship is on the line if he cant tell you what is changed, or what is bothering him. Link to post Share on other sites
carvidep Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 I agree that you should talk to him about it, which you've already done. Try not to make accusations or assumptions. Tell him how what he's doing makes you feel. Again, you've already done that, but make sure he does know that you are hurting. As far as I know, it's pretty normal for a guy to become "distant" in a relationship after a while. It doesn't mean he likes you less. He already told you long ago that he doesn't particularly enjoy chatting online for hours. Maybe you could compromise and shorten the time you chat online a bit. About the marriage talk, he may have talked to someone or seen something relating to it which could have scared him. Marriage is a BIG step that you both have to be 100% sure about when you make the decision to go through with it. Maybe he feels like the relationship is going too fast, and he wants to slow down a bit. Again, that doesn't mean he loves you any less. You guys are young. There's no reason to put that much pressure on your relationship this early. It's scary! Hell, I'm 23 and he's 26, and we're scared ****less of the word haha. Maybe some time in the future we will get hitched, but we know that right here, right now, we want to be with each other. I hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 It sounds like he no longer sees a future with the two of you together, and is letting go at his own pace. It is not unusual for someone to overcompensate for their diminishing feelings by talking about marriage/future/etc. That is why you see so many heartbroken people coming on here saying "but just a month/two weeks/etc. ago he/she was saying he couldn't live without me - why did he/she dump me if he/she said that?" When someone falls out of love, it is a struggle for them - they are caught between what they still feel and what they no longer feel. They want to recapture those feelings and will do and say whatever is necessary to try to force them to come back - even to the point of talking marriage/kids. When those feelings don't come back (and they rarely if ever do), they distance themselves and rewrite the relationship history in such a way that they can continue to back out carefully. The more they let go, and the more their feelings diminish the more distant they become, and the lower you sink on their priority list (ie: they no longer make efforts to talk to you/be with you, they complain about you making them feel trapped or obligated, etc). When they are at the point where they are ready to let go, they will either cut the cord or try to make you cut it by acting horrible. Nothing you say or do at this point will make them stay with you. If someone else is involved, the process speeds up considerably. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xoxoshadiaxoxo Posted August 29, 2009 Author Share Posted August 29, 2009 I understand what all of you guys are trying to tell eventhough it's hard to know what my boyfriend is doing for real because he's not telling me. Last night he told me he still loves me and if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore he would tell me straight forward. He tells me that as long as he doesn't say that he wants to break up, nothing he does means that he wants to break up. I told him how hurt I feel when he's doing this to me, but he didn't seem like he's going to change his behavior for now. Him and I have always been in a long distance relationship, so we're kind off used to not being with each other even though it really hurts. I still don't know what to do about the situation because I'm so afraid to lose him Link to post Share on other sites
Mei Mei Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I feel his tone and gesture are very disrespective of you, treating you as a doormat. Oh I consider you really need to prepare for the loss and take the outright initiative to pick yourself up for a new start! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 As far as I know, it's pretty normal for a guy to become "distant" in a relationship after a while. Just writing to let whoever know that this is not the case. Guys don't get distant after a while unless there is something else going on. Sometimes a patch happens where it seems to be the case but this could be work, stress, or what have you. And those periods of time then are very temporary. -- But the is the same for men and women. A man who is bought in to the relationship is bought in just like any other person on the planet be it male or female. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I understand what all of you guys are trying to tell eventhough it's hard to know what my boyfriend is doing for real because he's not telling me. Last night he told me he still loves me and if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore he would tell me straight forward. He tells me that as long as he doesn't say that he wants to break up, nothing he does means that he wants to break up. I told him how hurt I feel when he's doing this to me, but he didn't seem like he's going to change his behavior for now. Him and I have always been in a long distance relationship, so we're kind off used to not being with each other even though it really hurts. I still don't know what to do about the situation because I'm so afraid to lose him This is an excuse and complete bull****on his part. So well you let him go on the way he is now? I highly doubt it. He's ignoring your feelings and acting selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
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