Anxiety over becoming LD

[Ingenue]

My relationship with my current bf will be transitioning to long distance in exactly 1 week. We have been dating for 8 months and have agreed to try continuing the relationship, at least initially when he moves. Both of us have adopted a "let's see what happens" approach. Neither of us has expectations

 

He is, understandably, under a great deal of stress. He will be moving to a new city, a new career move, a new experience, new friends and he feels like he has a lot at stake with this particular career change. I have attempted to keep things light by just having fun and not reminding him of his stress because I see how stressed out he is.

 

At the same time, I feel guilty for developing some anxiety of my own at the future of the relationship. I haven't told him this, nor will I, because I don't want to burden him with anything else and my anxiety seems pretty trivial in comparison to the stress he's experiencing.

 

I was wondering for those of you veteran LDers, whether you could recommend something that would alleviate the anxiety or just tell me I'm incredibly idiotic for feeling this. I don't think I should be feeling like this but I can't help it.

[jumi]

i found that, especially the few days before departure, that the stress is highest immediately around leaving each other (day before, day of, day after)... I was actually more scared of breaking down the day he left than I was actually scared of him leaving. I dont know what happened, but the day he left just flew, didn't have time for tears, just happened and that was that.

 

dont think you're abnormal for feeling anxious! actually, if you really had zero worries over this, i'd question how committed you were to this guy. It just means that you care about him and your relationship. what is the root of your anxiety... afraid of what will happen to your relationship, afraid for him or yourself... many reasons, all valid and understandable.

 

just dont let it consume you. have trust in your love. if you want to talk to him to try to help yourself a little, dont just say "im so afraid we're gonna fall apart!" that wont really help him.... just word it positively, like... you are hoping you stay together and you want to make it work, that you'll miss him, something to show you care about him. I feel it would help his stress to know he has you as his rock, the one thing that isn't changing in his life right now.

[Ingenue]

i found that, especially the few days before departure, that the stress is highest immediately around leaving each other (day before, day of, day after)... I was actually more scared of breaking down the day he left than I was actually scared of him leaving. I dont know what happened, but the day he left just flew, didn't have time for tears, just happened and that was that.

 

dont think you're abnormal for feeling anxious! actually, if you really had zero worries over this, i'd question how committed you were to this guy. It just means that you care about him and your relationship. what is the root of your anxiety... afraid of what will happen to your relationship, afraid for him or yourself... many reasons, all valid and understandable.

 

just dont let it consume you. have trust in your love. if you want to talk to him to try to help yourself a little, dont just say "im so afraid we're gonna fall apart!" that wont really help him.... just word it positively, like... you are hoping you stay together and you want to make it work, that you'll miss him, something to show you care about him. I feel it would help his stress to know he has you as his rock, the one thing that isn't changing in his life right now.

 

Jumi, I think I'm experiencing the same anxiety/feelings you felt at your SO's departure. My bf leaves in 4 days and the last thing I want to do is to end up a sniveling crying mess. Hopefully, the day will be so hectic that it'll just fly by. But knowing me, my overly sentimental self will end up tearing up a bit (or a lot) as the circumstances of his departure almost lend themselves to a crying fit.

 

I'm trying to just not think about his departure too much and really take it one day at a time. Whatever will happen will happen. It's just so much easier to say than to believe.

 

I just feel rather stressed now since I have my own matters that I need to deal with in addition to his move and some days, like right now, it seems so overwhelming. I think that his move is triggering my own anxieties and combined with his farewell, just makes for a very unpleasant next few days.

[jumi]

the thought can be more scary than the experience. just, over the next few days, don't let the prospect of him leaving ruin the time you have left together. When you are with him, really pay attention to all of your senses... the way it feels when he touches you... the feel of his skin and his body heat, the sound of his voice, his expressions, his laugh. being really aware of all your senses really helps you be in the moment, and creates long lasting memories. if you want to savor the next few days, do this, and don't get lost in your thoughts and worries.

 

when my boyfriend left to go to the airport, I had about an hour to spend with him that day before he left (I didn't go to the airport with him, I think it would've been too much for me to handle and I wanted to let his family have time alone with him there anyway) and I didn't cry because I didn't want to bring him down, and I didn't want to cry infront of his family. When he walked me to the car, I started to cry, no sobbing, just tears. We must have hugged and said I-love-you's about 10 times, but he had to get to the airport in time, so that prevented it from painfully being dragged out. Once he was gone, I just ...stopped crying. I didn't force myself. The tears just stopped, everything was over, and it was fine. The first step had been taken, and I was one step closer to seeing him again.

Not sure why I typed that all out, maybe it will be helpful to you to hear my experience. I was almost certain I was gonna be a sobbing mess, I was even considering taking anti-anxiety pills the day before, but I was surprised. You'll be fine, be strong.

[Ingenue]

Jumi,

 

Thanks for the grounded advice amidst my irrationality. I really shouldn't be this freaked out over the whole thing but my mind goes in all sorts of different directions. I do think that what my mind is conjuring is more scary and difficult than what it actually will turn out to be. I just need to keep in perspective that whatever happens, happens and I can't control anything except how I act. Hearing your experience is somehow comforting and thank you so much for sharing it.

 

I actually won't see him the day he leaves so that might make it easier on me somehow, though I will see him a few days before he leaves.

 

Three days and counting.

[jumi]

Good luck, let me know how it goes. Just don't have the mentality that you are losing him. Nothing is gonna be lost, you will still have each other like always. Thank goodness for internet eh?

[Ingenue]

We had a nice night yesterday and neither of us thought about his imminent departure. And then of course when we started drifting to sleep, me being the sentimental sap I am, started crying. And then he started crying. It was a cryfest interspersed with talking for a few hours. He told me he didn't want to think about it because then he'd get sad. Then we started laughing that the relationship was really transitioning to a short distance relationship (or medium distance at most), instead of a long distance one.

 

To make matters worse, today as I said goodbye to him on the bus, I started tearing up again. I'm such a sap. He doesn't officially leave until a few days but that was the last time I'll see him. Being the sweet person he is, he just called to check up on me to make sure I was okay.

 

I know that crying is completely illogical and irrational and that nothing is going to be too fundamentally different, yet here I am just sitting here and crying. I think my bf said it best when he said, "it's sad because things are changing, and change is scary"

[jumi]

you sound a little like me.... when we were just cuddling with no other distractions, then I would tear up and get emotional.... and OMG especially when we danced to our song. I am a romantic, and sentimental.

 

Well you didn't fall into a sobbing heap of tears as he was leaving! Thats good =). You said you were afraid of breaking down, and tearing up is nothing. Really.

 

And crying is a very logical process. Some emotion in you causes your brain to send a signal to your cranial nerve which communicates to you tear glands via neurotransmitters, and now you're crying. I mean, the very same emotion can occur to a guy or another person, but it just wont trigger that neural response. everyone has a different emotional threshold.

 

sorry i cant control my nerd

[Ingenue]

Jumi, I'm absolutely a sap, though probably not as romantic as you. I'm one of those gals that will end up tearing up at most anything if it's sad enough, including but not restricted to Hallmark commercials, sad novels and contrived situations. My emotional threshold is slim to none.

 

So I'm officially LD as of yesterday. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, though I haven't heard from my bf yet. But it's understandable as he's incredibly busy, doesn't own a cell phone and is in the process of moving and setting up the new place.

 

One of my friends instructed me that I need to play some strange power game with him and not be the one to visit him first or call him first. That to me, sounds ridiculous and sophomoric.

[jumi]

holy crap, do **not** listen to your friend... please please please. Don't play games with him, that is very unfair. just give him your genuine love, you really need to be open hearted in an LDR, forgiving and understanding. NEVER design a situation to cause a broken heart. really... thats a bad idea. i know its not your idea, and you are right, it is ridiculous. it is your decision to take and leave advice; that is my 2 cents. listen to your intuition, it's who you are.

[Ingenue]

Jumi,

 

I would never play games in a relationship. I absolutely abhor all of those idiotic mind games that partners subject each other to. If I am missing my significant other, I'm going to call him. I couldn't care less who makes the first move. I've never been one for deciphering obtuse relationship gestures and I certainly would never do that to my partner. For me, I enter all relationships with honesty and openness.

 

I actually spoke to my bf today and yesterday. He called just to check in.

[jumi]

good to hear

 

i feel like a lot of issues in many relationships begin when someone creates an issue in their head that is completely irrational and unnecessary... and i really wonder what they try to prove. i think many people need to turn back to the basics of a relationship and learn that you are in it because you love each other, this isn't a competition. im glad you feel the same way.

 

how do you think things are going so far?

[Ingenue]

Jumi,

 

It's hard for me to accurately assess how things are progressing so far since he just left this past Thursday. He's currently inbetween cities and won't move to his new place until tomorrow.

 

I did actually see him today and it was a great day. We spent the entire day together and just had fun, not thinking about much. I guess I won't be able to see how the entire LD thing feels until about a month has passed.

 

I know how you feel about the entire notion of gaming a relationship. It's so ridiculous and I think does more harm than good.

 

How is your LDR going?

[jumi]

so are you going to be able to visit him often? that'd be great... once my boyfriend is back in the state we see each other each weekend but he still has 6 weeks left in ireland.

 

it's been going pretty well. we survived a year in two different schools... had a great summer and now he is in ireland for a term. i was very scared at first but 10 weeks is not as long as i thought.

 

now that i am back in school, its a little hard. i just have a lot of anxiety from sudden changes again, which makes my brain go haywire. i went thru a horrible battle with my own mind first semester a year ago and i learned a lot from it so i think i have the tools not to let it happen again.

[Ingenue]

Hopefully we'll be able to see each other at least once a month, though there's no guarantee. While he only lives a medium distance away (2.5 hours by car, 3.5 on public transportation), he is going to be quite busy and I suspect unable to schedule much time to see me.

 

I guess with most LDRs I read about, there is some set time goal. With my bf, he'll be away for 4-5 years minimum, and I think most of that, if not all of that, will be LD. That time frame will probably be our biggest uphill battle.

 

That's great that your bf is coming home in six weeks. It'll fly by just like that. Just think, 6 weeks is considerably shorter than 4 years (or 208 weeks). And I think all of us in LDRs have moments of anxiety. I know I certainly do and that probably gets me in trouble as I start jumping everywhere mentally.

 

I just think the newness of the situation for me is what's causing my anxiety. Yesterday was such a fabulous day with him, but still when he sent me off on the bus, I became a sentimental sap when the bus actually started on the highway. At least he didn't see me tear up.

[jumi]

Ingenue.... you should stop thinking of yourself as a sentimental sap. Open up to the way that you feel about something and don't be ashamed. The more you confront and accept the way you feel, the less you will need to hide behind a label such as "sentimental sap". You are who you are. Believe me, in light of my boyfriend who is very secure and centered, I can feel like an emotional trainwreck in comparison. But I eventually got exhausted from thinking of myself as the trainwreck and learned to just open up to the sensitive and open hearted (more vulnerable..) person I am. It is a good trait and a bad trait because I am more aware of other people's emotions and I can empathize well but at the same time I can overanalyze. Just be careful not to shut yourself down because you are embarassed. Have a little confidence in yourself (easier said than done)... confidence is very admired ;-).

 

yeah my boyfriend is coming back in 6ish weeks but we are still LD... we go to different colleges about 2 hrs away (the bus can take 3 hrs sometimes :-/)...but after not having him around for 10 solid weeks, every weekend will be a dream!!

 

the most helpful thing is to take this as a learning experience, you will learn a lot about what it means to be in love and also about yourself, a surprising amount.

[Ingenue]

Oh jumi, I think you misunderstood. I have no problems being a "sentimental sap". I don't see it as a negative at all. It's who I am and it's how I emote. My bf thinks it's sweet that I'm so sentimental and I have no problems crying infront of him. But considering that he's also quick to tears, my desire to not become weepy infront of him is to not stress him out more than he already is.

 

At least now that my bf is actually LD, it's one less thing to stress about compared to everything else happening around me. That, starts tomorrow

[bellula]

Ingenue, I completely understand what you're going through.

 

My boyfriend of three years is going abroad for the next three years to study. We want to make it work, but I'm so scared it won't. I love him. But I need him too much, depend on him too much, to be able to deal with him being so far away from me.

 

He leaves in two weeks. Every day I don't spend with him - which is most, because I attend college here - is like a day lost. A pointless, worthless day. And when I get on the phone I'm so depressed to begin with that I'm afraid I'm going to be the reason we don't work out. I'm so depressed, I just want to stay in bed - preferably with him holding me - forever.

 

I can't talk to him about this anymore. He has so many reasons to be excited and I'm just bringing him down.

 

I almost wish he could leave so that we could actually start dealing with the issue of a long distance relationship, instead of just dreading it like I have for the past six months.

[Island Girl]

Ingenue, I completely understand what you're going through.

 

My boyfriend of three years is going abroad for the next three years to study. We want to make it work, but I'm so scared it won't. I love him. But I need him too much, depend on him too much, to be able to deal with him being so far away from me.

 

He leaves in two weeks. Every day I don't spend with him - which is most, because I attend college here - is like a day lost. A pointless, worthless day. And when I get on the phone I'm so depressed to begin with that I'm afraid I'm going to be the reason we don't work out. I'm so depressed, I just want to stay in bed - preferably with him holding me - forever.

 

I can't talk to him about this anymore. He has so many reasons to be excited and I'm just bringing him down.

 

I almost wish he could leave so that we could actually start dealing with the issue of a long distance relationship, instead of just dreading it like I have for the past six months.

 

Have you talked to each other about your plan, expectations, and fears etc. and how you are going to address those things?

 

Planning and discussing what we KNEW would happen really helped us. It really really helped I can not tell you how much.

 

Maybe you should start your own thread so we don't have to thread jack.

 

We are all going through this - and we are at various stages. We help each other here.

 

Welcome to Loveshack.

[jumi]

sorry Ingenue... I took it that you were ashamed of your romanticism and all im glad youre not.