Married - disastrous LDR

[ssb]

I am married and in a long distance relationship. I know he is really busy right now, but so am I - we both are at school. When we made this decision we had agreed to talk as often as possible if not everyday. For a while i called him everyday although he would often not take my calls and not bother to call me back. I tired emails and sms but most of the times there is no reply and he only occasionally would call me like an afterthought. Now its reached a stage where I gave up on calling him and he does not bother for days on end - I counted out 10 days of no contact at one time. Finally when I can stand it no longer and give him a call he is casual about it as though nothing has changed. I tried explaining things to him but nothing changes - its the same cycle every time. We are in a foreign country - far away from family and friends and live too far to afford trips (we met once in the last 6 months) Its driving me insane, what do I do? Is he just not into me or am I reading too much into this?

[Island Girl]

wow ssb. I do feel for you.

 

My husband and I have not seen each other in 2 1/2 years so I know the pain of that.

 

But the not answering - not calling YOU - not messaging you back. It does not speak well of how he views the relationship.

 

It is a MARRIAGE even if it is long distance.

 

When you got together was he this way or is this something new? And you ask the question - about him not being into you - in a quirky way. I mean, he married you so he was into you then right?

Something has thrown it off possibly. I understand he doesn't talk about it but have you gotten really honest with the issue?

 

I am not saying by any means that you have a part in this or are making it happen.

 

What I am asking is how you talk to him about it. Do you bare how you are feeling and your questions to him? Or do you imply those things?

 

My husband responds much better to direct communication. And he also is sensitive so if he feels unloved or unappreciated he can be quite belligerent.

 

We went through a period of about 6 months this last year where I was not getting the feedback I wanted from him and the way I was going at him was causing him to withdraw from talking. So we had really bad conversations when we did talk. And we weren't able to talk that often. The phone lines weren't working in his country and it just added to the whole mess.

 

What finally cleared it up was a chat with a friend of mine who's parents aren't from here. When I explained the conversation she got the message I was missing in what he was saying.

 

The very next conversation I confirmed what my friend had told me and the problem went away completely.

It was just me not understanding and being too hurt to really listen. In the end I was insecure and hurt for no reason at all. It was just in my head but while it was happening I was thinking it may have been over.

 

It makes a difference to go back to the beginning. How did you guys decide to get married? Was it a long courtship?

 

I am just sorry for your situation.

 

I am also sorry that I logged off directly after suggesting the thread. I hope you are still here to get it out. You must feel just terrible - and writing here CAN help.

 

{{hug}}

[artchick88]

your husband seems like he is cheating

[ssb]

Thanks IslandGirl. It really helps to know how you cleared it up. I think we may be going thru something similar. Last time we spoke I clearly told him that I think about him all the time, it bothers me to the extent of ruining my grades and school-work (I'm 27 and in graduate school) and worry when he does not call me. In fact one time I just withdrew and did not try to contact him by call/email/IM for many days and still he didnot bother to check in on me. I told him clearly that it felt to me that he wasnt interested in continuing the relationship. His reponse is just that he is busy and I'm reading too much into it. We are in the same program at diff schools - I know exactly how busy he is and I also know that he still has plenty of time to party and socialize out there. We had a 2 yr courtship and been married for 2 yrs now.

 

I feel the same way - like I'm just too hurt to understand whats going on. I know it sounds like he is cheating but in my gut I dont feel thats true.

[ssb]

And the courtship period - we had 1.5 years of LDR then too but that was in a different country and we could afford to travel to meet each other every 1.5 to 2 months. The phone/IM contact was really strong back then, we'd talk everyday and really felt connected to each other. This time, on my birthday our conversation was limited to less than 2 mins. I guess I'm feeling much worse now coz I often compare to those days. Agreed things change a bit after marriage but to this extent? Whats the point of getting married then?

[Island Girl]

Right now the distance of the LDR and not being able to see each other is wearing on both of us.

 

That is why I hope this fight ends soon and he gets his visa to come here immediately.

 

I know what you are saying about your school work being effected. It has really effected my my ability to function at work.

 

So in our situation - I would get on the phone with him and begin the conversation with what I was thinking was going on and challenge whether or not he wanted to be in the relationship or not. I was upset and extremely insecure. We had conversations that were just maybe 10 minutes long and they were BAD conversations.

 

His was angry because every time I talked to him I was questioning his commitment to me. He was saying as much but with English being his second language and my fears and insecurities filtering what he was saying I just didn't understand what he was saying. We couldn't get on the same page and it was heart wrenching.

 

In that talk with my friend I was saying exactly what he was telling me - verbatim - and she said "I can see why he is so mad at you. He isn't saying anything like that and you keep bringing it up to him like he is."

 

And he was also angry because of me having conversations with his cousin's wife as she was feeding the fire by being one sided in her support. As in supporting me and what I was saying but not giving me reality. (Like my friend did.)

 

So once I called him and discussed the conversation that my friend and I had with him. He acknowledged that was exactly it and then he let it go.

As did I. And our conversations returned to normal.

 

It wasn't strained anymore.

 

The thoughts ran through my head that he was cheating - but thankfully he lives on a VERY small island in a VERY small community and I had feedback about what he was doing, where he was going, etc.

He also stays with his aunt and uncle along with their 9 children so his comings and goings are well known.

 

So I do know what you are going through. It isn't necessarily that but you do need to have a real honest conversation without getting emotional. I know - I KNOW - that is really difficult right now.

But maybe you can agree on a time when you can have a long talk. Even if it is a few days from now you are waiting anyway right?

 

If you are anything like me at all, you want the conversation to be NOW because the daily torture is terrible. But just realize that you need him to be open to the discussion as well. He could be feeling just like you are only for opposite reasons. Does that make sense?

 

Try to start the conversation off with missing talking to him and why it is so important - those kinds of things - or ask him some questions about what is going on in his life there. Just get him to start talking if you can. That will help tremendously.

 

As far as what the reasons are to marry. Well, I don't know your situation. But I know we got married because we love each other more than anyone else on the planet.

We want to spend the rest of our lives together - good times and bad. That was just a time for the really really bad.

 

I hope this helps...I don't know where to go from here...