Introducing the LDR when your friends like the ex...

[KikiW]

I have a bit of a challenge that I am not sure how to handle and wanted to get some independent thoughts on the subject. A little info for reference...

 

My husband and I have been separated for a while. We are still close friends, and everything is very amicable. He is a wonderful person, we just realized that we were not meant to be together. Our friends still get together with both of us - sometimes as a group, sometimes individually, but even friends of mine from school days hang out with him.

 

My LDR is with someone from the south... I am from the northeast. Despite us both living in the US, there are actually quite a number of cultural differences between the two areas. One of them is the subject of chivalry.

 

I have always taken care of myself - I open my own doors, I pull up my own chair, I make restaurant reservations... It was quite a surprise to me that he would get upset when I reached a door first and wouldn't wait for him to open it for me. We've since discussed that while he finds my independence quite sexy and he doesn't want me to change completely, he does want to show me respect the way he was brought up, so I've learned to adjust my habits to give him those opportunities sometimes. It makes him happy, and I've learned that it's really kind of nice being treated like a lady

 

Living all my life in the northeast, I am surrounded by women who are as independent as I am, some even moreso. I particularly have a friend who is totally against traditional gender roles. I recall trying to explain to her how he was, and her response was almost distainful and seemed to feel that southern men perpetuate this "maiden in distress" notion. I'm sure I don't need to mention the general doubt and distrust that my LDR is a truly serious relationship.

 

Now I am becoming concerned. My LDR is working on relocating here later this year to be with me. With my friends liking my soon-to-be ex (a sensitive, artsy kind of guy), I am afraid that they will be irritated with my LDR's ways - specifically, seeing his behavior as a way to be controlling or something. I am afraid that he will be looked down on, even if they don't mean to do it consciously. I know that's in the back of his mind as well. I almost wish I had a friend who didn't know my husband that my LDR could becomes friends with just so he feels like he has more than just me "in his corner" when he comes up here, but after being together for almost 15 years, our friends are very much all interconnected. My LDR is taking such a huge leap of faith by packing his bags and coming here, that I want to make it as comfortable as possible for him.

 

Thoughts?

[Island Girl]

It IS nice to be treated like a lady!

 

Out here in the West it is hit or miss as to whom has been brought up with chivalry. I always demand it.

 

To me it doesn't state anything about my abilities or my independence. Gestures of care and kindness should be embraced. And perhaps if more people routinely showed CARE about and TO their partners there wouldn't be such a high incidence of divorce.

 

My husband knows I am perfectly capable of opening doors and pulling my own chair in, etc. But when he is with me he likes to show his love and respect for me as the Queen in his life.

 

I am sure it is the same for your man. Look diamonds are really tough and can hold up to a lot -- but that doesn't mean you bury them under rocks and rubble everyday just to prove it. You clean them and take care of them because they are valuable and in a sense they deserve to look the best they can.

That is what our men do - the treat us and show us that we deserve to be cherished.

 

You should have a talk with your friends. Explain to them that you do not expect them to be judgmental or difficult when it comes to your choice of partner. You love how he treats you and YOU are happy. Tell them that is what you expect them to support.

 

You can also tell them that they have no say so and should have no say so in how this man treats you as long as he is not abusing you. And doing nice things for you is NOT abuse.

 

Any friend that can't keep their mouths shut is not a friend. You can make new ones. But it is VERY difficult to find a man that treats you well, is absolutely respectful, and will drop everything and change his life to be with you. That's LOVE darlin'!