Hurt:He has second thoughts/Other girl that lives close by

[Lovelorn]

I am not really sure what to do with myself. Today i woke up and hoped it was all just a bad dream but it wasn't. I feel a mixture of shock, anger and loneliness.

 

Yesterday my long distance guy told me that while we weren't able to chat regularly within the last 2 weeks, like we used to do, it has driven him nuts and he began to wonder how in the world this whole long distance thing is going to work out. (He is in the USA, I am in Europe.)

 

He asked me how I saw the future in my mind and told me he realized he wouldn't be able to relocate because of his son, who needs him.

I told him that he was right there and that it would be much easier for me to do the moving but he didn't react too enthusiastic about it and confessed, that lately a woman he had always had feelings for showed up again out of nowhere.

 

Him:

"No i have not done anything at all with this person, but there are some feelings there and as i said, i pretty much want you to know anything going on with me."

 

He said he hasn't made any decision yet because of how strong he feels for me but he doesn't know what to do, say or feel.

 

I told him that his feelings can't be too strong if he is that easily tempted to drop out of the LDR and even unsure about me and the woman.

 

He said:

"Not even close. I know exactly what I feel for you. unfortunately, this is the one person that has the ability to actually compete with that."

 

I feel so devastated and am pretty sure he will pick her since she lives near by and he has feelings for her. Also what we have is not too grounded.

 

I feel like I know him really well since we have known each other for 1,5- 2 years and communicate every day but we only met once for a week. So we haven't spent much RL time together and on the other hand I feel like I don't know him at all.

 

I wish there was some kind of injection you could take to make this heartache stop.

I had hoped that after meeting more and getting to know each other even better, one of us could have relocated and that we'd have a future but my dreams seem shattered.

 

How in the world will I be able to go on functioning with all this hurt I feel?

I really need some help.

[Jordane]

Although this is a very painful situation, you will be able to function just fine...but it will take some time.

 

Some people cannot handle LDR's very well...I am one of those people and in his situation would probably feel the same exact way especially if you don't have anything concrete planned. Give him a time frame maybe to decide so you are not driving yourself nuts waiting for a confirmation indefinitely. If he picks here there is nothing you can do but move on and know he wasn't THAT right for you and you will find someone else.

 

Hope all goes well for you, keep us informed.

[Lovelorn]

Hi Jordane, thanx a lot for the answer.

 

Yesterday I had asked him what will happen and he said :

"You may not think so but i do still care for you a lot and would not want to lose you as a friend at the least, but i know it's not my decision to make"

 

I asked if that meant that he has decided already and he said that he hasn't yet, so I wanted to know how long it will take him.

He said: "Not long because it's not fair to drag it out."

And because I said this is very vague, he said he will tell me his decision tomorrow. So that would be today.....

Is it at all possible to have feelings for two people at the same time??

I am still wondering if his feelings never were strong enough for him to be willing to give it all up now.

 

Yesterday we talked about how we never concretely planned anything for the future and that we should have but that it had seemed rushed.

 

I told him that I had considered about moving to the US and finding a job there and he said he didn't know that but that unfortunately it is really hard to find a job there.

 

It had seemed to me as if he was really trying to find contra arguements against me...

 

I am not sure if there is much hope but today he will tell me his decision and I am feeling awful.

 

Is anyone of you in a similar situation?

[Jordane]

Yes, I was in this situation but I was him and my boyfriend was you.

 

Trust me, it is NOT an easy predicament to be even if you are the one making the decision and it has nothing to do with him not caring enough about you. Believe it or not, he is probably just as heartbroken over this as you are...I know I sure was. It sucks to be the one to break things off with someone else when you still care about that person and it really hurts. There is so much guilt and feelings of confusion as to whether or not you made the right decision. I still question myself now.

[LikeCharlotte]

I was in this situation relatively recently but I was the other girl. Guess who got hurt. He shouldn't even be in a situation like this IMHO. Here's why... if he cared about you that much he wouldn't entertain it at all. If he cared about her he wouldn't put her through trying to start something when he knows full well he is doing something else. Someone who is compassionate and empathetic would end one relationship before entertaining another. Unfortunately some people do not do this and everyone gets hurt. I am not saying this because I was hurt in a similar situation because I fully understand that individual situations vary drastically. I am saying it because after lots of reflection I realized that the bottom line was that it is very easy to better deal someone or keep your options open but it takes much more strength to focus and commit. I have to ask... why would you even want him now? He is treating you as if you are less real because you are far away. The worst part is that (as it was in my case) it might not work out with the other girl because he will constantly compare and then he will have hurt you - if he hasn't already. You deserve more than that and honestly - so does she.

 

I want to add that my ex was constantly looking at the metaphorical door because in his mind she was behind it. Eventually when she moved closer he systematically tore apart an otherwise good relationship with withdrawal, comparisons, unsure reactions - he looked so stressed out I thought he was going to simply drop at times; and why? Simply because he couldn't separate me from her. He chose me because I was local and available before he had let go of her. In the end the only one who wasn't hurt was her - she had the foresight and knowledge to walk away from him and stay in her marriage. As for me - I was ignorant of his LDR/affair until I was already involved. I wish I had known that he was not healed.