Losing hope, desperate to find balance...

[hyzenthlay_777]

Hi

 

I'm new to the forum and hope you can help. I am at my wits end with my current relationship. It is long-distance - I am in the UK, he is in Southern Europe (i'd rather not say where). When we met we were working in the same company together in the aforementioned country. He was currently dating a girl in the UK but ended it 2 months after we started dating, because he couldn't make up his mind who he wanted to be with. I found this out on our first date (at least he told me...) Truth be told this did give me a lot of grief and I considered him an irresponsible playboy, but since I was moving from the country in September 2007 (3 months from our 1st date) I considered having a harmless summer fling wouldn't be a problem and pursued the relationship anyway. Eventually however we grew closer and he split up with his g/f, who he had been dating for 3 1/2 years, to be with me.

 

After moving from the country, given our history, I had no real hopes that the relationship would survive. Oddly enough it has, and here I am a year later, still alive and kicking as his g/f but feeling increasingly exhausted as time goes on.

 

Reason is, his behaviour towards our relationship is consistently more that of a single guy than a guy in a relationship. The guy had typical problems of having had a suffocating childhood growing up (he was an only child) and a rather domineering mother. All his past relationships from what I have gathered have been a mirror image of his r/ship with his mother - girlfriends "putting the pressure on him" for one thing and another. His last one was pushing to marry him and that was the reason why he ended it. He's 33 and has told me that at this time in his life his career is his priority. I accept this, as I am practically in the same boat: I am 30 and moved to London to pursue a different line of work for 2-3 years, so we agreed that the LD relationship was good because we both need our independence to sort out our lives. He has told me that what he loves about me is that I give him his freedom and I "understand him".

 

However, I now get the feeling he doesn't understand me at all, and feel as I am constantly accommodating him and his thirst for freedom and surpressing my desires in order not to "suffocate him". My biggest grief so far is that he has never once made the effort to come and visit, even though I've been in the UK almost 11 months. He has quite a well paid job for European standards (1300 euros) and doesn't pay rent and bills as he stays at his grandmother's, whereas I live off £800 a month as a full time student and have to pay rent & bills out of this in expensive London, yet curiously enough have managed to save enough money to afford 4 flights to see him in 11 months! (I am leaving tomorrow for a holiday together in our previous country, we sort of agreed that a summer holiday together in rainy old London wouldn't be ideal). Despite his lack of pressing expenses, his excuse for not flying over is that he is constantly broke and can't afford to see me! Taking into account the fact he once blew 160 euro on cocaine in a month (the price of an average flight to London give or take), I find that hard to believe! Even though he says he has cut down, I have suspicions he is still using frequently... in any case he is drinking/eating his wage away on his very active social life (he has meals/nights out with friends almost daily), because other than that he has no outgoings... whereas I am the real one who is broke.

 

My other gripe is that his calls to me have petered out to 2 a week IF i'm lucky... He will say he will call when he gets back from a night out but will very rarely do so... This hurts - even more so when this happened last night, as I am travelling today and wanted to inform him of my travel details/arrival times, but he blew me off... Plus, he is very irresponsible: my most recent example is that I had to do all the holiday arrangements/bookings myself from the UK and he only had one task to do - to buy ferry tickets we will need to travel to our vacation. His deadline was last Friday, but now it's Wednesday and he STILL hasn't booked them and has been avoiding direct phone calls since then. We are now risking not finding any tickets at all, and thus missing out on our first night of our prepaid accommodation. Irresponsible down to his toenails!!

 

Anyway, if you are still with me after all this, here is the point: how do I behave towards him, communicating how let down I constantly feel, without making him feel "pressurised", or that I am nagging?? (that would just backfire, believe me). He uses the "don't pressure me" response with almost everything now, so I have stopped saying anything anymore - last time I asked if he would like to come and see me was in November, and he immediately used the "broke" and "pressure" excuse, so I haven't asked since.

 

I am trying to be understanding and accommodating but he is just falling short time after time. We have had discussions where I have asked him if maybe he just wants to be single and isn't really into a relationship at the moment, but he always denies this and wants to stay together. But silence, absence and lack of effort have clearly begun to take the spark out of the relationship... Tomorrow when I meet him I guess I will see if there is anything left... Judgement week...

 

Any help would be appreciated, especially from the guys. I hate being viewed as a nag, but on the other hand I also am very confused about how to assert myself positively. Apologies for the long post.

[Ronni_W]

Honestly? I'm not really seeing where is the actual relationship in your post.

 

I get that maybe you guys said the words at some point in the past. And you've visited him 4 times in the last 11 months. And sometimes he calls you.

 

But I can't really see very much difference to his emotional and physical world, if you two "stay together" or "break up" -- sort of, how would he even know...other than, about every 3 months, you won't be there? (Which, you're not there now, if you see what I mean?)

 

You're investing a lot of emotional and financial energy...I am not sure that the returns on your investments are as good as you deserve.