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new ldr, bf feels lonely and giving up


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

 
 
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Old 10th March 2008, 9:49 AM   #1
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new ldr, bf feels lonely and giving up

Dear all,

I'm back here. Please help.

We were together for 2 years before I moved for a 3 year contract (breakable) .

We've been apart for 2 months now. Asia and NA, it's far and we don't have much vacation days. We thought he'd visit in the summer and I'll visit in new year.

My bf was sad and lonely, and, then he found out his friend A is breaking up. A's leaving this thursday to hk to recover from the break-up and will definitely be back before Sept. They liked each other when he and I just started going out, only didn't because A is friends with bf's recent ex at the time.

Easy to see, my bf would like to date her under the circumstances. He's honest and told me this just yesterday. I tried to understand what's going on and wanted to be cool with it and let him make the decision, however I cried whole day today (and working too. it was awful), and I don't know what to do.

so I backpedalled and wrote him a series of emails when i finally got home today, asking him to not think about A anymore she's only a friend and to stick to his relationship with me.

age info. me turning 25, bf 26. A 20-ish.

what else to do? what am i suppose to make out of this? I'm so confused...

in pain
cocoa

Last edited by cocoa; 10th March 2008 at 9:51 AM..
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Old 10th March 2008, 11:53 AM   #2
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Cocoa,

Not sure from what you posted whether your b/f wants to break up with you to date this other girl, or if he's just wanting your relationship to be non-exclusive. (?)

Either way, I don't know there is much you can do about it. You can reason and beg all you want with him, however, the fact is, he's sad and lonely -- "A" is where he is, and you're not.

From a previous thread you said your b/f wasn't happy about your decision to go work in Japan for three years, and at that time, he said he wasn't sure if he could handle being being in a LDR. Sounds like he knows himself -- and was honest about that up-front, too.

Though your first instinct is probably "to fight for him and the relationship," go ahead and do so, but don't be over-the-top about it. The last thing you need at this point is to give him reasons to NOT miss you ( i.e. being a total lunatic). And, if you're wondering whether rushing home to be with him is the answer, don't!

I would think your two-year relationship you two had before you left for Japan would account for something. It's possible he may date this woman, and realize "she's not Cocoa," and that it's you he wants in the end. Sounds trite, but there's some wisdom in the old adage: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

In the meantime, throw yourself into your new adventure. It's a chance for you to do, see and experience things that you'd never have the chance to do back home, and will remember for a lifetime. Your international work experience also will be of value -- especially in today's global economy.

Your b/f may be a "quitter," but you have guts. Go for it! And, if you and your b/f were meant to be, it'll happen. If not, you may just run across someone in your travels that sees the world as you do. {hug}

All the best,
TMichaels


P.S. On a purely personal curiousity note... Just wondering what type of work you are doing in Japan? Are you teaching English?
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Old 10th March 2008, 6:33 PM   #3
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tmichaels

i don't think he does non-exclusive relationships. if he's made up his mind to date A, or others, then we are over. and it sounds like that's what he wants. he is reacting now like we broke up.

yes, i thought he may be too. i didn't imagine it would be this short before he gives up on me. i thought it would be difficult but i thought we'd do it. he was optimistic and supportive before i left, now he says 'it's entirely different, it's not as easy as you make it sound'

i'm thinking i've already managed to turn into a total lunatic in the time span of 24 hours. not sure if there's salvaging. >< i also proposed i can go back once in the summer, promise to go back in 2009, and see him for 1 hour on webcam before i leave for work in my last email.

i guess now's time to leave him alone?

i just feel incredidulous at the development... really... so hard to wrap my head around it.

thanks for replying michael. i guess he is giving up on me but didn't have the guts/heart to say it simply? i don't know...

on the personal note, i'm working as a native check sorta paralegal, i stay in the office 9 am to 8-9 pm every workday. it's not like i have it easy here! @_@
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Old 10th March 2008, 8:21 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by cocoa View Post
i don't think he does non-exclusive relationships. if he's made up his mind to date A, or others, then we are over. and it sounds like that's what he wants. he is reacting now like we broke up.

yes, i thought he may be too. i didn't imagine it would be this short before he gives up on me. i thought it would be difficult but i thought we'd do it. he was optimistic and supportive before i left, now he says 'it's entirely different, it's not as easy as you make it sound'

i'm thinking i've already managed to turn into a total lunatic in the time span of 24 hours. not sure if there's salvaging. >< i also proposed i can go back once in the summer, promise to go back in 2009, and see him for 1 hour on webcam before i leave for work in my last email.

i guess now's time to leave him alone?

i just feel incredidulous at the development... really... so hard to wrap my head around it.

thanks for replying michael. i guess he is giving up on me but didn't have the guts/heart to say it simply? i don't know...
Doesn't sound like he knows what he wants right now, cocoa. So, give him a chance to figure that out. It may mean he needs to date others to figure out what he had was something worth more.

This "A" thing may be something he's always wondered if he missed out on. In other words, he may have always wondered "What if?" -- now, he'll have his chance to see if he missed out on anything by dating her. Time will tell, but there's just as good a chance it *won't* work, as it will.

As I said before, there's not much you can do about the situation. I think you're just going to have him "sow his wild oats" and get it out of his system.

Think about it this way: If you threw in the towel, came home, and he insisted on dating "A" anyway, how would you feel THEN? Or, let's say you came home, he didn't date her, but resented the fact that he couldn't (since you say he seems to be "a one woman man") and you ended up splitting up anyway so that he could try her out for size?

I guess about the only thing you can be thankful for is that he's an honest guy. Not much comfort, I know. But, he could have gone his merry way and you'd never been the wiser. At least he had the decency NOT to do that.

There's one other possibility here... What if "A" returns home and SHE doesn't want to date HIM? Or, she does, and decides HE'S NOT not FOR HER? Then, what?

I know you must be totally devastated, cocoa. You've just made a major move half-way across the globe, are in a new job, foreign culture, and now the major person in your life has just told you he's not willing to go the distance with you.

I feel so sorry for you. Have you had a chance to make any friends at work and/or where you're living? Can you call friends or family at home to talk about your feelings? You really need to have a support system to help you get through this. But, you will. {HUGS}

Quote:
on the personal note, i'm working as a native check sorta paralegal, i stay in the office 9 am to 8-9 pm every workday. it's not like i have it easy here! @_@
Wow! I should say you don't! I just was curious what sort of job/employer would recruit Canadians to work in Japan. I assumed it might have been a TEFL job as a Canadian you'd be fluent in English. Not familiar with the term "Native Check," but I hope the work is satisfying despite the long hours.

Try and keep your chin up, cocoa. I'll be thinking about you.

Take care,
TMichaels
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Old 11th March 2008, 8:47 AM   #5
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well

thanks again tmichael...

i guess the conclusion is that it sucks but i have to let it happen. this morning i made him webcam with me as well. at first he was crying and ended up stonewalling... i guess i pushed him too hard. either he just doesn't want to say ugly things to me so he has nothing to say, or just too overwhelmed to say anything, i'm thinking?

so it is just 'i need some time' and 'i will email you'

i guess... there's no turning back... i think i handled it quite badly this time with the whole thing. it is not the same when we are apart. have to be really careful about delicate issues i guess.

we are all 'busy' with the long hours but coworkers are nice. today my stupid jaw misaligned and can't close so now i literally can not eat. the girl that lives in my building brought me food i don't need to chew when she came home.

"native check" means, "checking" by a "native" of the language. so we check the english letters japanese staff write and write english letters if there isn't a template for it that the japanese staff use.

i don't want to talk to coworkers here or my family in depth about this thing. i think i'm still too fragile. it's too intimate of an issue for me.
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Old 11th March 2008, 10:51 PM   #6
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i'm going to post in break up boards now...
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Old 12th March 2008, 10:22 AM   #7
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i'm going to post in break up boards now...
cocoa,

You poor baby. Hope you're feeling a bit better and that the issue with your jaw has improved.

Come back and post here any time. Lots of people have had to deal with exactly the situation you are and feel your pain.

Be easy on yourself and take care. {hug}

Best,
TMichaels
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Old 14th March 2008, 11:14 PM   #8
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break ups

jaw went back in its place the next morning. thx tmichaels...

this week has been hell. extremely tiring emotionally and physically. I felt physically ill like dry vomit (looks like a cough to others) now and then the entire week. different people at work has told me i look tired, pale, etc.



2 nights ago i ended up emailing him a link to Dane Cook's clip on 'crying' (someone sent it to me to cheer me up). he did write back with a friendly short message. this morning i wrote back... and sent a second one saying funniest thing happened was going to washroom while you are crying. - a bit concerned if it was inappropriate, if it'd make him feel bad/guilty (not my intention)


how i feel now, wanting to share my life experiences with him, to still be able to tell him about what i came across during my days etc. i want to know how he's doing too. but i don't know if it's okay... if it would make it harder for me and him... it's still been a short time after 'break-up' and i didn't wait till he emailing me first like i said i was going to.

i'm confused now. i don't know if i'm just in denial (because ldr for the most days are just keeping in touch frequently anyway) or did i accept the best we can be now is far-away friends?

so, should i still suck it up and try to stick to NC now? would it be ok to start communication or is it just a bad idea leading to more complications? it's possible i'll end up asking for more and more if he replies back to me... self-discipline is not exactly on my side here...



on another thing... i feel like i always want him in my life and we should eventually be together... but of course when i say i'll wait for him to be single and get back together with him the feedback from others is 'sounds exactly like a girl after break up. you are thinking way too far. you will be fine, 6 months from now u won't think this anymore'...

i just feel it's so stupid to let go of something that was so good because of long distance now... i'm afraid his feelings will fade to nothing but still hoping someday we could be together again... must i move on and let go?


on one hand i think i'm accepting that he's not cut out for ldr sow there's no chance now but on the other hand i'm wondering how he's feeling about me and if we'd ever be together again (i know, there's no answer to that).


i don't know what i'm asking for here haha... guidance please
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Old 16th March 2008, 1:31 AM   #9
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jaw went back in its place the next morning. thx tmichaels...
Hey cocoa! Look at it this way: Things are looking up already! At least you have one less worry!

Quote:
this week has been hell. extremely tiring emotionally and physically. I felt physically ill like dry vomit (looks like a cough to others) now and then the entire week. different people at work has told me i look tired, pale, etc.
Well, "you've been through hell," so it's not surprising you look and feel like it. If you can, try to take some "me time" -- pamper yourself a bit. Any chance you can take a long, hot, bubble bath? Have a nice dinner with friends? Or, splurge on a special treat? At the very least, try to remember to eat and get some rest. When you don't, it makes you feel even worse than you already do.

Quote:
2 nights ago i ended up emailing him a link to Dane Cook's clip on 'crying' (someone sent it to me to cheer me up). he did write back with a friendly short message. this morning i wrote back... and sent a second one saying funniest thing happened was going to washroom while you are crying. - a bit concerned if it was inappropriate, if it'd make him feel bad/guilty (not my intention)
Don't worry about it. I doubt he took it that way, so don't apologize.

Quote:
how i feel now, wanting to share my life experiences with him, to still be able to tell him about what i came across during my days etc. i want to know how he's doing too. but i don't know if it's okay... if it would make it harder for me and him... it's still been a short time after 'break-up' and i didn't wait till he emailing me first like i said i was going to.
Well, about the only way you'll know whether he would like to hear from you is to write now and then and see what happens. He responded positively to your Dane Cook email which is good news. If he never wants you to darken his door again, he wouldn't have written back.

Quote:
i'm confused now. i don't know if i'm just in denial (because ldr for the most days are just keeping in touch frequently anyway) or did i accept the best we can be now is far-away friends?
Why do you have to put a label on it? Why not take it a day at a time?

Quote:
so, should i still suck it up and try to stick to NC now? would it be ok to start communication or is it just a bad idea leading to more complications? it's possible i'll end up asking for more and more if he replies back to me... self-discipline is not exactly on my side here...
I think what you could try is to let him know how you're doing and what you've been up to on an occasional basis. When I say "how you're doing," I'm not talking about how much you miss him and how much you cried this week. That's just going to make him feel guilty or angry and increase the chances he won't reply.

I'd keep the tone of your emails very upbeat and light. Sort of like what you would tell friends about the funny, ironic, interesting and amusing things that you're encountering as a result of your "Japan experience." You could also talk about neat places you've visited, bizarre things you've eaten, or different customs you've experienced. You could also continue to forward funny or amusing emails or links (ala the Dane Cook clip) saying something like "I got this in the mail today, and thought you might enjoy it."

IOW, you could try staying in touch, staying away from "relationship issues," and see how he responds. If you can keep the lines of communication open, even in just a casual way, it may help the two of you "heal," and could become a "bridge" to repairing your relationship.

Quote:
on another thing... i feel like i always want him in my life and we should eventually be together... but of course when i say i'll wait for him to be single and get back together with him the feedback from others is 'sounds exactly like a girl after break up. you are thinking way too far. you will be fine, 6 months from now u won't think this anymore'...

i just feel it's so stupid to let go of something that was so good because of long distance now... i'm afraid his feelings will fade to nothing but still hoping someday we could be together again... must i move on and let go? on one hand i think i'm accepting that he's not cut out for ldr sow there's no chance now but on the other hand i'm wondering how he's feeling about me and if we'd ever be together again (i know, there's no answer to that).
Maybe you'll end up together, maybe you won't. Have you ever thought that even if the two of you were still "together" that when you returned to Canada three years from now, YOUR perspective on life, including your b/f may have changed?

At one time, I was in a long-term relationship, the last couple of years of which was a LDR. When he returned to where I lived for a few months to finish up some graduate work, he dove right back into being together just like he had walked out the door the day before. Much to my surprise, how he treated me which was perfectly acceptable before when the two of us were together, drove me nuts once he returned!

I won't bore you with all the gorry details, but instead of staying several weeks he stayed two -- and had to find his own way to the airport. Needless to say he wasn't happy about either "development" -- but no one was more surprised than I at how much I had "grown" in the two years we had been apart.

What had happened was by being on my own everyday I learned a little bit more about who I was, what I wanted in life, and what was important to me. It wasn't like one day I had woken up and "felt like a new person," the changes were imperceptible -- but, it was exceedingly obvious when my b/f and I reunited in person we just weren't on the same page anymore. It was like he was in a time warp. He was comfortable with the relationship we had before. But, I was no longer the same person that he had left.

The point of this story is, though you may feel like you can't imagine your life without this guy at the moment, it really is impossible to know how you will feel in three-year's time. Even if you spend the next three years of your life pining away for him, it's almost impossible that your experiences abroad won't change you in some way, shape or form that will have an impact on the dynamic between the two of you.

I don't mean to imply that this means there's no hope for the two of you when you return, but I'm just pointing out that there's a good possibility that you may return home wondering why you spent three years of your life missing someone who is no longer the right person for you.

So, my advice to you would be to make the most out of the next three years as you can. Stay in touch with him, see how that goes, and in the meantime, discover who you are, what's important to you and what the world has to offer. No one will ever be able to take those things away from you, and what you learn will be priceless for the rest of your life.

Anyway, I hope you're feeling a bit better, and the above might be of some help. If not, why not do something totally silly and fun and introduce all your Japanese friends to St. Patrick, today? A little green beer, an Irish Coffee, or a some nice hot tea and a scone sometimes can do wonders, you know!

Regardless, take care and stay strong.

All the best,
TMichaels

Last edited by TMichaels; 16th March 2008 at 1:41 AM..
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Old 16th March 2008, 12:28 PM   #10
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tmichaels. thank you so much for everything you said. great reminders of sanity. i will come back to read your message when i need.

i did feel better since friday. i don't feel squeeze in my heart all the time anymore. (considering, i got over it pretty fast hehe)

still feel sad and go into the conflicting feelings loop when i start to talk about it (as i did above).

really appreciate your replies and you sharing your experience too. thank you tmichaels.
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Old 16th March 2008, 12:29 PM   #11
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p.s.

i didn't realize it's st.patrick's day today?
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Old 16th March 2008, 3:09 PM   #12
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i didn't realize it's st.patrick's day today?
Actually, it's officially March 17th, but because of time zone differences and not knowing when you might read my reply, I thought you might not see it until Monday morning, so I thought I'd suggest it, all the same...

But, if you've already taken my suggestion a few hours early, don't despair. With the 17th falling on a Monday this year, and SPD being a bank holiday, "raising a pint" has been going on pretty much all weekend long in some parts of the world.

Enjoy!

TMichaels
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Old 16th March 2008, 3:16 PM   #13
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tmichaels. thank you so much for everything you said. great reminders of sanity. i will come back to read your message when i need.
No problem, cocoa. Glad to help if I can. Just take it day by day. The journey of a lifetime starts with that first step, as they say.

All the best,
TMichaels

Last edited by TMichaels; 16th March 2008 at 3:20 PM..
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Old 17th March 2008, 12:22 PM   #14
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I'd keep the tone of your emails very upbeat and light. Sort of like what you would tell friends about the funny, ironic, interesting and amusing things that you're encountering as a result of your "Japan experience." You could also talk about neat places you've visited, bizarre things you've eaten, or different customs you've experienced.
rereading your message today... actually he said when we were breaking up that it feels just like friends when we talk online... so, i don't know how to be even more 'friends' than before. i usually just updates on what i did etc anyway...

his friendly replies still make me happy ><... can't make myself not think he's so right for me
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Old 18th March 2008, 12:38 PM   #15
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i'm doing ok. but... i still can't believe we are over... and he doesn't love me anymore... all in a few months... i thought we had a good relationship... but it was so fragile
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