Hanging out with friends w/o s.o.?

[Rab Nesbitt]

The answer seems obvious to me, but I would like some confirmation from a non-biased source.

 

My girlfriend and I live about 2 hours apart and see each other every weekend. I invite her to participate in anything and everything I do, even if I know she isn't interested. The weekend is the only time I have to pursue hobbies, as is the only time we have to spend together. It can be tough to do some of the things I want to do and still give her the attention she needs.

 

Anyways, this weekend my guy friend has invited me to go out of town with him to visit a mutual friend and go out on the town for a guys night out type thing. No bachelors party or anything like that, just college friends going out.

 

I haven't presented this idea to my g.f. yet, but I'm sure she is going to be none too happy of it. She has expressed to me on several occasions that she doesn't think I should go out to a bar w/ my friends without her, even though I have expressly given her permission to go out without me.

 

Granted she doesn't like these 2 friends of mine...she thinks they are a bad influence on me.

 

I don't feel they are...aside from me acting more crude when I'm around them than I do when I'm with her. The whole boys will be boys thing.

 

Anyway, would I be wrong in going to hang out with my guy friends for 2 days? If not, then how should I respond to her getting upset with me?

 

Background info: Been together 2 years, never cheated on her, or on any previous g/f. Far as I know she's never cheated on me. We're both mid 20's.

 

Rab

[crzyblndstar]

Everyone needs some time with their friends. I understand that she will probably get upset since the weekends are the only time you guys get to spend together, but she needs to be understanding. I would just tell her that you would really enjoy going and that none of the other girlfriends are going, it is strictly a guys trip. Even if she gets mad, she will eventually get over it. I say just go if that is what you want to do. If you keep not doing things that you want to do because she will be upset, you will eventually blame her and have bad feelings toward her.

[ahah2322]

wow, i don't see why you should answer to your gf like that. granted, her feelings have to be considered.. but it will be terribly unreasonable for her to object your date with the guys. it is only an occassional affair... and unless you do that often (which you don't) then she has no reason to be upset or angry about. IMO, lack of individual freedom in a relationship is unhealthy.

 

why don't you suggest that she meets up with her girlfriends too?

[Rab Nesbitt]

Problem is that she doesn't have many girl friends. The one that she is closest to is kind of a recluse and won't go out with her. She has a lot of guy friends, but pretty much quit talking to all of her friends as soon as we started dating. I told her to go out with her friends when we first started dating, but she never did.

[mental_traveller]

I think she's being unreasonable here. She is probably a bit jealous or paranoid about you meeting another woman, which means she is not trusting you - not a healthy sign for a solid relationship. Ultimately it is ridiculous to try to forbid your partner from going out with same-sex friends - that is very controlling and immoral behaviour.

 

I would start out by trying to understand why she doesn't want you to go out with your friends sometimes. Get down to the real reasons. Then show how she shouldn't be concerned. Explain how you can't base a healthy relationship on fear and mistrust. Try to empathise with her perspective, but stand your ground. She may give way, once you explain it that way.

 

If not, then you will simply have to lay down the law. Say that you are not prepared to be in a relationship which requires you to give up your friends, and that if she insist on it, then probably you are not the right guy for her and she should find some doormat who is willing to put up with that. Basically tell her you are going out with them anyway, if she doesn't like it then she is free to break things off and you will have no hard feelings.

 

The alternative to this ultimatum is to give in and become a doormat yourself. But this will lead to an unhappy relationship where you feel emasculated. DO NOT go down that route.

[child_of_isis]

I don't think it is so much about your SO as it is about you.

 

While everyone should have friends, one should also have priorities.

 

This line stuck out: It can be tough to do some of the things I want to do and still give her the attention she needs.

 

It sounds as if being with her is a chore. If I picked up on this...I am sure she can also.

[Rab Nesbitt]

I don't think it is so much about your SO as it is about you.

 

While everyone should have friends, one should also have priorities.

 

This line stuck out: It can be tough to do some of the things I want to do and still give her the attention she needs.

 

It sounds as if being with her is a chore. If I picked up on this...I am sure she can also.

 

I only see my friends about 3 times a year. I don't think that's overboard.

 

I go to work everyday, and go straight home afterwards. I can't count the number of times I've been invited to social functions around town and didn't go in order to avoid an argument with my g/f who is 2 hours away. I don't do anything socially during the week.

 

I do, however, have lots of hobbies...cars, outdoor activities, etc. The weekend is the only time I can do these things and so I am left trying to split my time between her and my hobbies.

 

It can be a chore sometimes b/c she is not interested in them and gets upset with me for partaking in them when we "only have the weekend together." She has no female friends to hang out with, and doesn't do much w/ her spare time other than watch TV, read, shop, or take naps.

 

I enjoy these things too, but I'm a very active person and it's tough for me to sit still for extended periods of time...especially if it's a nice day out.

 

It seems like sitting passively in front of the TV is a waste of time. She gets angry with me b/c I like to multi task (watch TV and clean the house for ex) and she wants me sitting right next to her. Maybe I need something to make me focus on one thing? Aderol? Anyway.

 

I've tried to include her in my hobbies but she invariably gets bored, which is understandable since she doesn't hold these interests. I ask her what she wants to do and she doesn't have an answer. I tell her if she can think of something for us to do, then I'm game, but the best she can come up with is go to the mall, watch TV, etc.

 

Is this normal?

[Lyssa]

I include my SO in my hobbies/activities and I would like to be included in his as well - so far, there isn't any issue between us. We have our own interests but we get each other involve in it - if I don't like one, then I just don't go anymore but will let him continue with his.

 

We love each other and want to do a lot of things together but we still want and need some space of our own.

[lbj123]

Rab - I feel like your gf isn't compromising with you at all. Yes, your time is limited, but I am strongly opposed to giving up your entire life (friends, interests, hobbies) for your so. Those are YOUR things, the things that (in addition to her) make you happy. It is so unfair for her to control those parts of you.

 

I absolutely think you should go. My x would make me feel horribly guilty when I wanted to spend time with my friends without him. It sucked because if I gave in to him and didn't go to see my friends I would feel so resentful and trapped, and when I did go I would feel guilty and selfish and end up not having fun...sounds like this is where you are headed unless you confront her and ask that she be more open and understanding to giving you a normal amount of time for YOU. My x also had very few friends. Its hard when one had a nice, healthy social circle and the other is very dependent on just their so.

 

When you confront her, dont be accusational, but explain in a calm and sincere way how you feel about this. No matter how she reacts though, I think you should go! If she loves you and wants to keep the relationship moving forward, she'll get over it.

[Rab Nesbitt]

I include my SO in my hobbies/activities and I would like to be included in his as well - so far, there isn't any issue between us. We have our own interests but we get each other involve in it - if I don't like one, then I just don't go anymore but will let him continue with his.

 

We love each other and want to do a lot of things together but we still want and need some space of our own.

 

Well, I try to include her in mine too...unfortunately she doesn't enjoy most of them. Another problem is the times I have been able to get her to come with me to participate, she later throws it in my face about how much she does for me.

 

I don't know the solution to this problem since she complains we don't spend enough time together, but then I invite her to do everything with me and she hates it, complains the whole time, then later throws it in my face that I "dragged her to some stupid activity."

[Rab Nesbitt]

Rab - I feel like your gf isn't compromising with you at all. Yes, your time is limited, but I am strongly opposed to giving up your entire life (friends, interests, hobbies) for your so. Those are YOUR things, the things that (in addition to her) make you happy. It is so unfair for her to control those parts of you.

 

I absolutely think you should go. My x would make me feel horribly guilty when I wanted to spend time with my friends without him. It sucked because if I gave in to him and didn't go to see my friends I would feel so resentful and trapped, and when I did go I would feel guilty and selfish and end up not having fun...sounds like this is where you are headed unless you confront her and ask that she be more open and understanding to giving you a normal amount of time for YOU. My x also had very few friends. Its hard when one had a nice, healthy social circle and the other is very dependent on just their so.

 

When you confront her, dont be accusational, but explain in a calm and sincere way how you feel about this. No matter how she reacts though, I think you should go! If she loves you and wants to keep the relationship moving forward, she'll get over it.

 

 

Thank you...you summed up exactly how I feel. It seems like I am her only social outlet, and she expects me to entertain her all weekend long.

 

When I told her yesterday that I would like to spend some time with my friends this weekend, she got upset, and we ended up arguing on the phone for almost 3 hours.

 

I finally came to the conclusion after 2.5 hours that she was simply punishing me the only way she knew how. I confronted her and said I thought she was punishing me for doing something I wanted to do, and she said "Yes! The weekends are my time! You are taking my time away from me!" I guess "my time" means her time with me to herself...

[lbj123]

Please don't take offense but I really do not like her attitude. She is just being selfish and controlling. You should really consider whether this is the type of behavior you want to deal with if this is a relationship that you think could have a serious future. My bet would be that she'll have the same issues even when you are not LD. Their are all different types of personalities and outlooks on relationships. Some people, like your gf and my x, see a relationship as devoting every ounce of your attention to them. Others who are more independent, see a successful relationship as one where you can spend time and grow together, while also enjoying your own interests, things you have enjoyed your entire life. It is really immature to think that your whole world stops once you enter into a relationship. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but I really went through this exact same thing and it wore on me tremendously. In the end, I felt SO resentful and grew to dread spending time with him, because I felt I had to rather than wanting to.

[Phateless]

She sounds pretty insecure, and actually quite a bit like my ex. You just have to present this to her in a mature and even manner and if she chooses to get upset, freak out, and put herself through an emotional roller coaster, let her. If you cave and supplicate to this kind of ridiculous controlling behavior, it legitimizes it and it will continue.

[TMichaels]

Look at it this way...

 

What would she do/expect if you had a job where you occasionally had to work on the weekend -- or a M-F job that once in a while required you to attend a conference or meeting on weekends?

 

I know that right now the issue is whether or not you are allowed to spend time on your hobbies, however, the two examples I gave above are "real world" instances that often arise.

 

Chances are, she wouldn't be accompanying you to these types of events, either. Is she going to sit and sulk or whine and complain you aren't spending enough time with her then, too?

 

From what you've said, Rab, you're the kind of guy most girls would thank their lucky stars for. You work, you don't spend your nights carousing, you're faithful, and you're willing to bend over backwards to try and find ways to make this relationship work.

 

TBH, most people wouldn't put up with their SO being so distrustful and demanding. It's frustrating, confining, unhealthy and destructive.

 

What past experiences has she had that makes her act this way?

 

Right now, you two are at opposite ends of the spectrum -- you're willing to compromise (perhaps too much) and she wants it her way and if you don't comply, she makes you out to be a selfish, self-centered cad.

 

Bottom line, one of two things need to happen:

 

1) She needs to get over it that it's not healthy for either of you to have no other interests;

 

2) You need to decide whether you're willing to put up with being such a doormat when it comes to this or other relationships.

 

There's lots of room between those extremes -- IOW, there's lots of room for compromise. The two of you need to come to an agreement about this, or you're going to be stuck in the same pattern and having the same "disagreements" and frustrations over and over, again.

 

Quite frankly, I think you need to put your foot down -- not in a nasty, retaliatory way, but in a way that lets your SO know that spending time with her AND having time to pursue your own interests once in a while is important to you AND your relationship.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

TMichaels