Slight betrayal and orbiters with history

[someguyrandomword]

Hi.

 

I'm really struggling with forgiving my girlfriend over what may seem like a frivolous betrayal but has broken my trust.

 

About a month in to our relationship, she was inappropriately texting a new friend that was introduced to her by a colleague. It was not of a particularly sexual nature but did involve exchanging kisses while i was next to her in bed, the guy asking several times if she was missing him and some light sexual innuendo. This was over the course of a week before I noticed anything.

 

We've spoken about how this crossed our boundaries and she is very apologetic and appears remorseful but has given little insight in to why this happened.

 

I guess I'm asking whether I'm over reacting. I would also be appreciative on any advice on how to rebuild the trust since i am struggling to make sense of it. We were very much infatuated with each other at the time that this happened.

 

On a side note... What are people's views on keeping in touch with male orbiters that she had a one night stand with and is now friends with them? I am struggling with jealousy over this.

 

Thanks for any insight

[BaileyB]

About a month in to our relationship, she was inappropriately texting a new friend that was introduced to her by a colleague.

 

We've spoken about how this crossed our boundaries and she is very apologetic and appears remorseful but has given little insight in to why this happened.

 

What are people's views on keeping in touch with male orbiters that she had a one night stand with and is now friends with them?

 

I am so glad that I am not young and having to date anymore. I would not do well with this... I would not be ok with any of this.

 

Here is the thing - if dating a woman that you trust has good boundaries and is faithful only unto you is important to you... This is probably not your woman. I'm sorry.

Edited November 7, 2018 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

We were very much infatuated with each other at the time that this happened.

 

Correction: you were very much infatuated with her.

She was busy chatting to another option, with "kisses" no less...

[smackie9]

You are being such a pushover! You should have sent her on her way....have some dignity and self worth man!

[PRW]

About a month in to our relationship, she was inappropriately texting a new friend that was introduced to her by a colleague. It was not of a particularly sexual nature but did involve exchanging kisses while i was next to her in bed, the guy asking several times if she was missing him and some light sexual innuendo. This was over the course of a week before I noticed anything.

 

Not sure how you kiss in texts, but whatever.

 

Obviously you have to be concerned about someone you can't trust. But it is more complex than the obvious. Some women will try to test what you are made of by letting you see things like this on purpose to see what your reaction is. If you act jealous then you failed the test. I've known some guys to just give a little cocky remark like "Just tell him to leave a dollar for me on the dresser after",...she gasps, gives him a little light slap, then laughs at him,...but he PASSED the test because he didn't take it serious and get jealous. So it is going to be your job to figure out if this is one of those situations, of if she is really leaning toward cheating.

 

On a side note... What are people's views on keeping in touch with male orbiters that she had a one night stand with and is now friends with them? I am struggling with jealousy over this.

If they had a one night stand, then he is not an Orbiter. He is a former FWB. But my position on it is to not get in the way of it so that you can more easily see what is happening. If you act jealous then she will hide things from you, and if she hides things from you then you won't know what is going on. But if she feels you trust her then she won't be inclined to hide as much, then you can see more clearly what is happening.

 

I can tell you that if you have history of getting jealous with her social life that you can end up causing her to hide things from you and also lowering your attraction level in her eyes to the point where she might cheat if she leans that way in her character. In other words, the thing you are worried about you end up triggering it. The first half of this video at this link would apply to that, the second half of the video, probably not since this isn't a girl you just met.

 

 

I see 3 choices:

 

1. Play it cool so she doesn't try to hide things and pay attention to see where it goes. If it turns out good, then you are good. If it goes bad you dump her
   
2. Decide you don't trust her and just dumper her now and move one.
   
3. Act jealous. Confront her. Make a scene with her. She dumps you.
   

Edited November 7, 2018 by PRW

[doyathinkso]

Sorry someguyrandomword but she is in no way committed to you. She's just taking you for an extended test-drive, but you are not the only model she's checking out.

 

She may not even be a car buyer. She may just rent them.

[Art.at.Heart]

Hi.

 

I'm really struggling with forgiving my girlfriend over what may seem like a frivolous betrayal but has broken my trust.

 

About a month in to our relationship, she was inappropriately texting a new friend that was introduced to her by a colleague. It was not of a particularly sexual nature but did involve exchanging kisses while i was next to her in bed, the guy asking several times if she was missing him and some light sexual innuendo. This was over the course of a week before I noticed anything.

 

We've spoken about how this crossed our boundaries and she is very apologetic and appears remorseful but has given little insight in to why this happened.

 

I guess I'm asking whether I'm over reacting. I would also be appreciative on any advice on how to rebuild the trust since i am struggling to make sense of it. We were very much infatuated with each other at the time that this happened.

 

On a side note... What are people's views on keeping in touch with male orbiters that she had a one night stand with and is now friends with them? I am struggling with jealousy over this.

 

Thanks for any insight

 

Please shift your focus here. Your girlfriend is doing you a huge favor and giving you insight as far as what a relationship with her is going to be like. Take a step back and ask yourself if you want to be with a person that you had ask not to engage in sexual innuendo with another person. Then, after that, take another step back and ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with that same person who also keeps previous flings in their life. This isn't about whether or not it is right or wrong. It is about whether or not it is right or wrong for you.

[seibert253]

Texting some other dude while lying bed next to you is not SLIGHT.

She just gave you some insight into her character, or lack there of.

 

NEXT!!! would be my response to this.

[salparadise]

She showed you who she is. Believe her.

[loversquarrel]

You are one month into this and she is playing games. Playing games is the equivalent of a lack of respect. Either keep her as an fb and find someone else or get rid of her, if she's not going to respect you then you might as well respect yourself.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Hi.

 

 

I guess I'm asking whether I'm over reacting. I would also be appreciative on any advice on how to rebuild the trust since i am struggling to make sense of it. We were very much infatuated with each other at the time that this happened.

 

On a side note... What are people's views on keeping in touch with male orbiters that she had a one night stand with and is now friends with them? I am struggling with jealousy over this.

 

Thanks for any insight

 

 

My guess is you're fairly young. I am 47 and jealous by nature. Having said that, if you are in committed relationship you need boundaries. It would be crossing the line for my gf to be texting any former bf aside from her ex H and then only about kids' stuff. If my gf had a guy friend she had a one night stand with (fortunately she doesn't) I would strongly discourage that relationship. That would probably be a deal breaker for me. Also, at some point each person should be able to have access to the other's phone.

[Jamess1]

What are people's views on keeping in touch with male orbiters that she had a one night stand with and is now friends with them?

 

They are not orbiters - if she has had one night stands with them. These are 'high value' men she is genuinely attracted to, but are above her SMV, and the best she can get from them is a one night stand. She isn't able to make them commit to her, because they are above her league.(female hypergamy)

 

So she dates you, a beta, while she is looking for an alpha she can leave you for. The medium is the message - trust a woman's behavior over her words-a woman can confuse you with her words, non can confuse you consistently with her behavior, the message is:

 

she was inappropriately texting a new friend that was introduced to her by a colleague. It was not of a particularly sexual nature but did involve exchanging kisses while i was next to her in bed, the guy asking several times if she was missing him and some light sexual innuendo. This was over the course of a week

 

"Notice : how her friend introduced her to this colleague : her friends (sub)consciously know that you are a 'beta placeholder' and she is still looking for an 'alpha'..."

She has revealed your position : you are a beta she dates for confidence; too many ONS can affect a woman's confidence : 'the men I am hot for, the men I want to pair-bond with,the men I am rewarding instantly with intimacy and sex don't want to invest beyond the 15 mins of sex' so for some confidence and attention she dates you as she continues to search for her alpha - an alpha willing to commit, then she will 'monkey branch' to him

 

"Notice : she did this early during the relationship, not after months/yrs of dating : so you a beta to her, not an alpha that became beta over time"

 

I would also be appreciative on any advice on how to rebuild the trust since i am...

 

Building trust ! What does that even mean...you should be building attraction - use some 'dread' - make your attention worth-while - start flirting with other women in her presence, chatting with an ex-anything that implies that she has a man who other women are interested in, who are been rewarded by your attention-create a strong impression that you have other options if she isn't interested, flip the power dynamic - she has you already figured out - hence you are now less attractive - break a pattern, any pattern; be unpredictable, don't do what you usually did - e.g don't call her when you used to, if she starts complaining then you are doing it right -attraction comes from her trying to figure you out/getting a bit confused, wondering why you haven't called yet as you usually did - questioning herself about the girl who just called you, the one you said is just a co-workernbut refused to answer her other questions.

 

Very soon she won't be chatting with guys she wants to replace you with, but her 'girlfriends' about you, complaining about you, even come here on this website writing a post about you...trying to figure what next to do..

 

80% of the problems men post on this website is just men who lack 'game'...it's always a game, you playing- whether you know it or not.

[elaine567]

..you should be building attraction - use some 'dread' - make your attention worth-while - start flirting with other women in her presence, chatting with an ex-anything that implies that she has a man who other women are interested in, who are been rewarded by your attention-create a strong impression that you have other options if she isn't interested, flip the power dynamic - she has you already figured out - hence you are now less attractive - break a pattern, any pattern; be unpredictable, don't do what you usually did - e.g don't call her when you used to, if she starts complaining then you are doing it right -attraction comes from her trying to figure you out/getting a bit confused, wondering why you haven't called yet as you usually did - questioning herself about the girl who just called you, the one you said is just a co-workernbut refused to answer her other questions.

 

Very soon she won't be chatting with guys she wants to replace you with, but her 'girlfriends' about you, complaining about you, even come here on this website writing a post about you...trying to figure what next to do..

 

... or she will dump you PDQ for playing stupid games.

Edited November 14, 2018 by elaine567
fixed quote

[Jamess1]

If they are stupid games-let limit try what every other men who writes on this forum does, sit down and talk with her about building trust, telling her that he is not comfortable with 1,2 and 3. Trying to show her how special she is and how much she means to him, and even spending more time with her etc only to write another post telling us how she never stopped flirting with the other guy...

 

Certain communities have this intuitive understanding of game e.g some black communities, you will notice some women referring to a guy as a player etc Or seeing an average guy literally having two beautiful women fighting for him, something you rarely see in other communities..

 

... or she will dump you PDQ for playing stupid games.

 

The more a man conditions his behavior on the fear of getting dumped by his woman, the less attractive he will be and the higher the chances of him getting dumped. The more a man behaves authentically without a 2nd thought of what his woman thinks/ or the fear of getting dumped the more attractive he is / and more loyal his woman will be-an extreme case of this is the 'bad-boy' scenario: a man who behaves in a way that warranties a woman to leave him, but yet she stays/ and despite others encouraging her to leave, she convinces herself to stay with him (there is evidence of this dynamic on this forum)

 

Why these games/ 'mating rituals that even animals do, have you ever seen a cock dancing around a hen before mating, we humans are no exception' : attraction is not a choice - desire can not be negotiated-how do women attract/arouse men-does she sit down and discuss it - she does certain things, she wears in a certain way, she behaves in a certain way - there are ways a man can keep his woman attracted in a relationship-that even woman are not aware of themselves.

 

I have always been a natural - the guy with a bad reputation for cheating with other men's ladies- have always known how game works but not why it works - the explanation is beyond the scope of this forum..

 

I can even explain why as a woman you immediately dismissed my advice as 'stupid' - a very common response - the moment we give men advice that help them to attract and keep women, it's the advice that is blocked or shamed, the way you did here...

 

My model girlfriend knows I can leave her anytime, she knows I will not accept any behavior less than respect, she knows if she cheats it's over, she knows she can be replaced, she knows other women want what she has,she knows she has to earn my attention and praise, she knows good behavior will be rewarded and bad behavior has consequences,she knows I can cheat if I wanted do, but I chose not to : women want faithful men not option-less men, she knows that my priority in life is my purpose and vision as a man - and she is there to support an alpha-a man who will never sacrifice his identiy or integrity for her. She knows she is loved and wanted but not need and I can be perfectly fine and happy without her- all the things that men on this forum desire but don't know how to get, I have - a woman who is always hot and wet for me, a woman genuinely/enthusiastically always wants to have sex with me, a woman who really respects me and submits to me in respect,a woman whose plans revolve around me,a woman who gladly does all the things feminists tell 'independent women' not to do-cook, clean,take-care of me-a woman glowing in her femininity...

 

Men have to rediscover the spiritual essence of their masculinity -women more issues with men, because most men are now women themselves.everything is misogyny, or the patriarchy, masculinity is now toxic by nature- but there an awakening happening....

[Logo]

Hi.

 

I'm really struggling with forgiving my girlfriend over what may seem like a frivolous betrayal but has broken my trust.

 

About a month in to our relationship, she was inappropriately texting a new friend that was introduced to her by a colleague. It was not of a particularly sexual nature but did involve exchanging kisses while i was next to her in bed, the guy asking several times if she was missing him and some light sexual innuendo. This was over the course of a week before I noticed anything.

 

We've spoken about how this crossed our boundaries and she is very apologetic and appears remorseful but has given little insight in to why this happened.

 

I guess I'm asking whether I'm over reacting. I would also be appreciative on any advice on how to rebuild the trust since i am struggling to make sense of it. We were very much infatuated with each other at the time that this happened.

 

On a side note... What are people's views on keeping in touch with male orbiters that she had a one night stand with and is now friends with them? I am struggling with jealousy over this.

 

Thanks for any insight

 

First off, you're not over reacting.

 

Second, she shouldn't have these orbiters around as "friends" at all. Friends? bull.

 

I'm sorry, but you're in the wrong state of mind here.

 

She has ZERO respect for the relationship and herself.

Edited November 23, 2018 by Logo