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Maddona complex after having girlfriend's sexual past forcibly shown to me


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 6th March 2018, 7:51 PM   #16
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mingomatic, it's clear you will never be able to respect her, so let her go. Continuing the relationship will be bad news for both of you.
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Old 6th March 2018, 11:49 PM   #17
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So, the MM's wife showed up....No change in habit. Then the dad showed up....No change in habit...You show up, White knight her ( she better be good looking!) and put into eternal friendzone until you netflix'd and chilled? Wow. She is a broken individual. And I would like to find out how the MM got your info....Scary.

BTW...You will never be her plan A. That is reserved for bad boys and large appendages...
Well, she admitted she tagged me on her Facebook feed. Also told him what my job was. My profile has my real name. And I'm in a regulated profession, so he can look me up on the public register . And my company has a website and my picture, profile and work email is on there. Sigh.

Anyway, at the time I thought they were both dishonest and did something really wrong . But at the time I was so blinded by my white knighting that I tried to rationalize my gf's actions in the here and now. I kept telling myself that the only reason this guy was acting out was because my gf truly wanted to renounce her illegitimate relationship and seek redemption. And yes, she is beautiful to me.
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Old 7th March 2018, 2:25 AM   #18
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Well, she admitted she tagged me on her Facebook feed. Also told him what my job was. My profile has my real name. And I'm in a regulated profession, so he can look me up on the public register . And my company has a website and my picture, profile and work email is on there. Sigh.

Anyway, at the time I thought they were both dishonest and did something really wrong . But at the time I was so blinded by my white knighting that I tried to rationalize my gf's actions in the here and now. I kept telling myself that the only reason this guy was acting out was because my gf truly wanted to renounce her illegitimate relationship and seek redemption. And yes, she is beautiful to me.

And???????

You realize the reason the Hurricane known as your girlfriend even mentioned how he could contact you, right?

Why is this guy nuts about her and willing to blow his own life apart to be with her?

Can you believe anything she says?

Dude come on, you aren't seriously going to cave into accepting one moment of this low drama are you?

I will try to be about as nice about this as I can. I know you have strong feelings for her and she is beautiful and all that jazz...but her parents were ready to ship her off on you like they were returning a broken washing machine to Sears before they went out of business.

She still has the MM in her life, To what extent, you'll truly never know.

Frankly, why would you want to know? She is showing you who she is, and we've all seen this movie many times.

The result is usually the same. Not in a good way either.

This is about as good as it's gonna get with her.

Respect yourself enough to see that your current relationship needs to see it's last Sunrise.

Good Luck
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Old 7th March 2018, 2:58 AM   #19
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And???????

You realize the reason the Hurricane known as your girlfriend even mentioned how he could contact you, right?

Why is this guy nuts about her and willing to blow his own life apart to be with her?

Can you believe anything she says?

Dude come on, you aren't seriously going to cave into accepting one moment of this low drama are you?

I will try to be about as nice about this as I can. I know you have strong feelings for her and she is beautiful and all that jazz...but her parents were ready to ship her off on you like they were returning a broken washing machine to Sears before they went out of business.

She still has the MM in her life, To what extent, you'll truly never know.

Frankly, why would you want to know? She is showing you who she is, and we've all seen this movie many times.

The result is usually the same. Not in a good way either.

This is about as good as it's gonna get with her.

Respect yourself enough to see that your current relationship needs to see it's last Sunrise.

Good Luck
Bang her a few more times and then cut bait?
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:26 AM   #20
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Just cut bait. Affairs are not normal relationships, they are deeply rooted in fantasy. Just jump over to the other women section and read some of the irrational thought processes there and how these women place this loser married men on pedestals.

You can't compete with that, this lady is still neck deep with this guy any further involvement with her would be foolish on your part, even just sex. Just run
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Old 7th March 2018, 2:39 PM   #21
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Bang her a few more times and then cut bait?
I think he already ruined any chance of new crazy sex. At best, he's getting vanilla sex with the girl only half invested.

He's blasted her over the sexual stuff in the photos he saw. He pushed so hard on those acts, he's got her rebelling against anything like that, to protect her image.

To quote, "You see these photos and you think that this is the entire representation of me. You see all the photos and you think I'm a sl*t, that I'm easy. That stuff was in the past. I want to put that behind me."

Now any kinky sexual acts have been lumped into the past she's wanting to escape from, when they most likely weren't before. She even showed signs of being down before he turned it into something to be angry over.

This is the problem with White Knights and voicing jealousy over sexual history. You run the risk of cutting off the thing you're wanting. Instead of attempting to keep sex fun and introduce the things he wanted to do with her, he shamed her for doing those things with someone else.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:07 PM   #22
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Why tempt fate, and get her pregnant or you with a STD....

I've seen this episode before...It doesn't end well. Just eject. Bail out from this crash before it hits the ground.....
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:20 PM   #23
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Sorry but this behavior of her's is a little fresh.....she still has a lot of growing up to do...don't let her do it on your time. Dump her.
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:28 PM   #24
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At some of these responses ... Just wow.

Mingomatic, it seems you have given this so much thought and you have described what happened and how you feel about it very eloquently... It seems you have tried very hard to be objective, but you're having a hard time convincing yourself. I agree that for two reasons this budding relationship has been utterly ruined and should be ended:

1. You are not moving past this. You're throwing it in her face and shaming her and the knowledge is negatively affecting your own behavior.

2. She still has the married man in her life for whatever reason. She didn't answer you when you asked her if she loves him, and she didn't confess to loving you when you told her that you love her. She even admitted that she has no plan (concrete or otherwise) of removing this man from her life.

It would take considerable time and effort on both of your parts to get past something like this, and most people won't consider it for such a new relationship. It is usually reserved for LTRs and marriages... Most people just cut their losses.

For the two reasons above, I vote that you should end it. If circumstances were different, I might vote the other way... But they are not.

You saw her one way and that image has been ruined. But she is not and never was this "image" - she is a person, an individual. She is in her late thirties. She has a history, as you have acknowledged. Unfortunately, that history (well, some of it) has been foisted on you... I'm sorry about that.

Something similar happened to me. And I was in your ex(?) girlfriend's position. I was a villain. I never thought I would be a villain in this particular capacity either.

If you're intrigued about my mindset at the time, keep reading...

I had been involved with a married man and decided that I wanted to break away even though what I really wanted was to be with him. I hadn't pushed him out of my life at that point, because I thought we were "friends". I met and started dating someone else, someone who was verifiably single and quite interested. In the first month of dating, he asked me directly if I had been involved with the married man, and I lied to him. I felt it wasn't his business, plus the affair had been a secret. We were just dating after all, and it hadn't become serious.

Well, at the three month mark, I felt that it was becoming more serious, and I wanted to pursue a "real" relationship with him, so I confessed to the affair. He stopped dealing with me. After about a month, he changed his mind.

But I hadn't kicked the married man out of my life yet... he was still my "friend" and I still talked to him, even if we weren't sleeping together. it was a true emotional affair.

So, one day the married man "needed me" and it interfered with my plans with the single guy, and I let it. I was emotionally invested in this married man, you see. I was completely invested emotionally. At this point, the single guy cut it off with me completely. As he should have. Like another poster said, this woman has a lot of growing up to do... I had a lot of learning to do... some hard learned lessons, I tell you.

I did end up cutting things completely off with the married man, and he was NOT happy about that. But who would be when they are eating and having their cake at the same time?

I had been a fool. I knew I wanted a serious and monogamous relationship. I had the opportunity, and I blew it. The married man should never have been there, but he was. When I started dating the single guy, I should've forced the MM right the hell out of my life. But I didn't. And there were consequences for that.

I am still in the process of coming to terms with what I have done and working hard to become a better, more aware, more authentic person - a person with integrity. The responses in your thread make it seem that people like me will be forever tainted by their past actions, that any redemption is unavailable. That hurts.

In any case, the single guy and I didn't speak for a long while, but one day he started speaking to me again. I thought he was just being friendly, but he started asking me to do things with him. I took this to mean that he wanted to date me again... I was so excited, and I kept talking about what had happened and apologizing... I wanted him to recognize and validate the progress that I had made with my mindset, and prove that my actions and words were matching...

but I suppose I was confused.

He would make dates and break them. And he did this for another year until I stopped him and went no contact. He had been toying with me, and that wasn't fair, no matter the circumstances. I don't think he meant to do this necessarily, or maybe he did.. maybe it was his revenge on me... or maybe he just couldn't get back to the way he once felt about me and being around me. His knowledge of my affair and how I had lied about it to him and just everything had tainted anything we could have had together. Perhaps that is as it should be.

At the time he realized that he couldn't entertain the idea of me at all, that should've been the end. So, I have to admonish you for sleeping with this young lady knowing there was a chance you weren't going to move forward with her. That is a chink in your own armor, a mark on your own character - or that is how she might see it in the aftermath.

Anyway, I wanted to be angry with him, and I was for a couple of weeks... but my overarching thought on the matter is that he made the best decision for himself, his life. That doesn't include me. And that's OK. I wish I had made different decisions, but I didn't... and it hurts to know that I hurt someone else with my actions. He will always remember that when he thinks of me. And I have had to learn to let it go and move on, because there is nothing else aside from correction that I can do.

I know you had high hopes for this young lady; we all have desire to love and be loved. But with where she is today, I advise that it would be unwise to move forward. It would also be unwise to use her for sex.

Last edited by Vivir; 7th March 2018 at 5:35 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:01 PM   #25
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Do you know how long she knew the MM before they did it? I too don't think he's very married if he's truly estranged from his wife, but then why not divorce.

She didn't use you. You treated her like a lady, and she liked it. That's not a crime. You can't handle it, so move on. You've only known her a short time anyway, so no big loss. But don't use her up first. He was mean and controlling to do what he did. I would fault her IF she was still in contact with him after he did that to her.
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Last edited by preraph; 7th March 2018 at 6:07 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:43 PM   #26
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I know this is a really complicated situation but here are two simple steps you should take.

1) forward that email to your girlfriend. Let her explain herself. Obviously you no longer have those rose colored glasses.

2) back up. This girl sounds like bad news. She may not be, in fact she may actually be getting her life together but you need to protect yourself and demand patience from her if she wants this to work. Situations change, overcoming obstacles takes time.
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Old 8th March 2018, 12:38 AM   #27
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Do you know how long she knew the MM before they did it? I too don't think he's very married if he's truly estranged from his wife, but then why not divorce.

She didn't use you. You treated her like a lady, and she liked it. That's not a crime. You can't handle it, so move on. You've only known her a short time anyway, so no big loss. But don't use her up first. He was mean and controlling to do what he did. I would fault her IF she was still in contact with him after he did that to her.
She's from another state. According to this guy's letter, he started the affair with him in 2011. MM initially was forced to break up with her in 2012 because his own daughter was born, screwing up his own divorce plans.

Also he claimed that she had been constantly going behind his back and calling her previous ex-bf while she was with him, thus part of the reason he broke up with her in 2012 (but of course he'd say that, wouldn't he). Again, now that I've been without my gf for a few weeks now, it all seems clearer that this is the kind of thing she does. Keep 'platonic' relationships with exes.

Then she moved to the city I'm in as a way of trying to extricate herself from her past. But she still continued contacting him and meeting up with him whenever he had business out of state. In the interim, she did try OL dating and dating agencies etc but no one really serious. She told all this to him in the meantime. And they continued their affair when those blind dates didn't pan out. Sounds like a friends with benefits /on-off affair deal with me..... I can't imagine a fOW telling her MM about the guys she's been trying to date . Then coming back to the MM when the dates didn't pan out.

Last edited by mingomatic; 8th March 2018 at 12:48 AM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 1:20 AM   #28
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Do you know how long she knew the MM before they did it? I too don't think he's very married if he's truly estranged from his wife, but then why not divorce.
Could be he's using the oldest line that MM use.
'I don't love my wife. I no longer sleep in the same bed as her. I'm staying under the same roof as her purely for the sake of my child. Just wait, just wait I promise we'll be married one day. Oh, I love you, only you'
This was what my counsellor told me about MM behaviour in general.
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Old 8th March 2018, 6:50 AM   #29
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At some of these responses ... Just wow.


I had been involved with a married man and decided that I wanted to break away even though what I really wanted was to be with him. I hadn't pushed him out of my life at that point, because I thought we were "friends". I met and started dating someone else, someone who was verifiably single and quite interested. In the first month of dating, he asked me directly if I had been involved with the married man, and I lied to him. I felt it wasn't his business, plus the affair had been a secret. We were just dating after all, and it hadn't become serious.
How'd the new single guy know to ask you directly if you had been involved with the married man? It doesn't seem something he would ask unless he suspected something.

Also, your xMM although upset, didn't manage to get ahold of the new guy to sabotage your relationship.
Probably you're smarter in this respect by not telling the xMM about the fact that you are dating and who you are dating. Or did you tell the xMM about who you were dating, like how you'd tell a female friend ?
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:53 PM   #30
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How'd the new single guy know to ask you directly if you had been involved with the married man? It doesn't seem something he would ask unless he suspected something.

Also, your xMM although upset, didn't manage to get ahold of the new guy to sabotage your relationship.
Probably you're smarter in this respect by not telling the xMM about the fact that you are dating and who you are dating. Or did you tell the xMM about who you were dating, like how you'd tell a female friend ?
You're right, Mingomatic. Although the new single guy tried to persuade me that he had an instinct about the married guy, it is most likely that he knew to ask me about the true nature of my relationship with xMM because he actually saw us together at some point in the then-recent past. We all work in the same industry.

I did tell the xMM that I had started dating someone else, but I did not tell him who because they did not know each other. If they had known each other, I never would've started dating the SG.

You're also right again in that the xMM didn't go out of his way to sabotage the budding relationship although he had been upset. Of course, he had no cause to be upset, in my opinion, since he had been wholly involved with his wife for the duration of the affair (interesting affair logic, right?). I mean, how dare he? And to answer your last question, no, I did not converse with xMM as if he were one of my female friends.

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Again, now that I've been without my gf for a few weeks now, it all seems clearer that this is the kind of thing she does. Keep 'platonic' relationships with exes.

Then she moved to the city I'm in as a way of trying to extricate herself from her past. But she still continued contacting him and meeting up with him whenever he had business out of state. And they continued their affair when those blind dates didn't pan out.
I agree with your above assessment about her pattern of keeping so-called platonic relationships with her exes. That is clearly a red flag.

As you have realized (and it's likely that she hasn't yet), one cannot extricate from the past, but one can move on from it by severing present-day ties to it... like by completely stopping (inappropriate) communication and definitely stopping meeting up with not-so-former sexual partners from time to time for the purpose of engaging in sexual relations. If I can't introduce my "friend" to my significant other, then that person is not my friend; he or she is something else entirely.

Like with you, she will be hard pressed to find a single man interested in investing in her while she carries on an on/off again affair with this married man. They do not seem to be done with each other; he's definitely not done based on what he did to you and to her, and she lacks objective awareness, hasn't shown due care for your feelings or protection, and has not taken measures to cut him out of her life even if she has stopped having sex with him. Trying to figure it all out will drive you crazy, so ... there's that. End of.

In related news, she is afraid of what he might do... there are measures she can take if she really wants him gone. Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" comes to mind... It may come across as harsh, but that is not your problem to solve.
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