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Did I overreact or was breaking up over flirting the right decision?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 1st March 2018, 2:51 AM   #1
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Did I overreact or was breaking up over flirting the right decision?

I started dating someone from my dancing team several weeks ago. We get along really, really well, for the most part. However, she has a very outgoing and flirtatious personality, and she appears receptive to other men on our dancing team who flirt with her. There is one guy in particular I am concerned about. We talked about it not long ago, and she admitted that although she has no intentions, she could see how her behavior might encourage other guys to pursue her and that it's something she needs to be mindful of. This made me feel better, because it seemed like she was self-aware and willing to consider how it affects the health of our relationship.

Tonight, the particular guy who I am concerned about was again flirting with her during dance class - touching her, joking, smiling, looking into her eyes charmingly and hugging her, and then putting his arm around her after class finished. He is known to pick up girls in our class, and I am not cool with him flirting with her and her smiling back at him, touching him, laughing, hugging, etc... I confronted her later and told her I was not comfortable with this. She believes that since she has no interest in this guy that there is no problem. She thinks I should not feel jealous or upset at all since she is not interested in him.

I trusted that she was sincere when she said this to me, but I told her I was concerned that since she admitted in the recent past that she understood this was a problem, and now that I was upset about it and she was basically ignoring the problem and suggesting to me that I just deal with it, that it was not okay! We fought a lot, and she didn't seem to be adopting the position she had a couple of weeks ago about being mindful of the way she encourages other guys to chase her. I told her that I expect her to take my feelings seriously, and that while I understand she cannot control what other men do, and that maybe she is in fact not interested in this guy, she should still be concerned if I am uncomfortable.

I also told her I do not want to monitor who she talks to and how she talks to them. That is not something I am interested in doing with her (e.g. checking her phone, being suspicious, etc...). I'd prefer she show me that she can deal with these situations herself when they arise so I don't have to worry as much. I would like to trust that she will handle situations appropriately as they arise, but if she is going to allow (and encourage) this behavior from other men and not take my feelings seriously, then I feel hurt because I feel she is not considering my feelings or how this affects our relationship. She told me this is just the way she is and she will never change. Her unwillingness to see her role in this, as well as not take my feelings seriously and tell me that she's just never going to change, is a major red flag in my eyes.

She then suggested we take a break, which I know is a soft way of transitioning through a breakup, so I told her I was done - that it seemed like she wanted to do as she pleases and ignore an obvious problem; that just because she doesn't have intentions with another guy doesn't mean it's okay, and that if she can't take my feelings seriously and is not willing to work with me on the issue, to leave my house and never talk to me again.

I admit that I have trust and jealousy issues. I am aware of this. I am also willing to work on myself (I already have in my life, and continue to do so). I am willing to allow her the freedom to interact with other guys, and I know they will hit on her, but I expect her to recognize when it is occurring in such a way that is questionable and to consider my feelings and what it is doing to our connection. A relationship is two people, and if she can't work with me on the issue, then I do not feel hopeful. At that point, I feel that ending things is the right thing to do.

Did I overreact and make a mistake? Or was this the right decision? Like I said, I believe her that she doesn't have intentions with this guy (or other guys), but I am not okay with the thought of her encouraging other men to pursue her and not being willing to consider how it affects our relationship. We had a great connection otherwise, but I am genuinely concerned that she was not willing to work collaboratively with me on the situation.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 1st March 2018 at 3:00 AM..
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Old 1st March 2018, 3:03 AM   #2
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Yes you did the right thing. Your personality is not a match for a touchy, feely, bubbly woman.

Find someone who's more reserved.
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Old 1st March 2018, 4:25 AM   #3
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You did the right thing in breaking up and explained your position very clearly to her, but telling her never to speak to you again was a bit OTT.

I would have thought that will make it kind of awkward at your dance class.
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Old 1st March 2018, 4:41 AM   #4
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You did the right thing, in the sense that you realized you two are not compatible.

Neither of you is necessarily wrong, but you have very different boundaries and expectations. This wouldn't have worked out well in the long run.
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Old 1st March 2018, 8:47 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
You did the right thing, in the sense that you realized you two are not compatible.

Neither of you is necessarily wrong, but you have very different boundaries and expectations. This wouldn't have worked out well in the long run.
He was not even close to being anything less than being a dead
aim on the money all the way right. He took the time to explain.
He waited to see how she would react again in the future.

She proved that she just was a manipulator that would say anything
to her man just to shut him up. She was never about making the
changes. The I am god's gift to men, I look and dance so hot all men
will put up with me.

When a woman shows that she has poor boundaries she shows that
she is not good wife material.

Her, continued lack of boundaries around men, when in a relationship
puts her clearly in the wrong.
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Old 1st March 2018, 10:42 AM   #6
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I think that you two were not compatible & that breaking up was the right thing to do.

However, I agree that telling her to never speak to you again was a little harsh. You claim you said that because she failed to take your concerns seriously & dial things back at your request. However, your insistence that she change her personality was you failing to accept her for who she is.

I'm a flirty girl but I always know where the boundaries are. I can't date men who don't trust me. I tried once & it was awful. IMO he was too suspicious & controlling. There was one guy in particular that my then BF was always worried about. When the BF & I broke up my BF/EX was astounded that I didn't immediately start dating the other guy. I explained again that I was never interested in the other guy beyond the public banter we had going on which drove my BF/EX up a wall. I didn't flirt to bug my BF. I didn't even think my behavior or the behavior of the other guy was all that flirty; it was just banter.

In the end it was simply that me & my then BF were not compatible, like you & this woman wouldn't work long term. Especially since you are still on the same dance team your directive to never speak to you again seems like it will be disruptive to the team. Since you recognize that she is fundamentally a good person, find a way to be polite, professional & even gracious when doing team activities.
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Old 1st March 2018, 10:55 AM   #7
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There were other things that concerned me about her too. She was consistently late when making plans - typically by an hour, she would "go to the bathroom" when we were at restaurants having dinner but was using her phone in the restroom the whole time, and she would give out her number at job fairs to other guys because "they seemed nice and like they wanted to help her," but then they would be texting her trying to go out with her.

I get it. The woman is not a demon, but she lacks self-awareness, is naÔve, and doesn't take the feelings of others into serious consideration. I imagine her being with a guy who doesn't have enough self-respect and allows her to have her way because he doesn't feel that he can do better. I am not that way. Did I mention she has a history of infidelity as well?

I gave this woman the benefit of doubt, and I was willing to work together on the flirting issue, but I have to draw the line somewhere. If she cannot be mindful or conscious about how her behavior affects the relationship and prefers to flirt with other men, be late regularly, play with her phone constantly, etc... then you are all right, she is not compatible with me. I attempted to talk with her about it and was level-headed about it at first, but when she continued to flirt after saying herself she should be more careful and then tell me that she is not going to change and to deal with it, well then I will deal with it by ending the relationship.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 1st March 2018 at 10:58 AM..
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Old 1st March 2018, 11:01 AM   #8
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It's fine. Clearly she's not the one for you. I just don't want to see you disrupt the whole dance team over this so I suggested you find a way to co-exist.
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Old 1st March 2018, 4:23 PM   #9
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I don't think she's naive at all. She knew exactly what she was doing and she knows how others guys will perceive it.

She just likes being the centre of attention and treated you as though you should be privileged to be with her.

The best thing was showing her you wouldn't put up with that nonsense. She's not interested in self awareness...with her infidelity history you've dodged a bullet.

This is more than having a flirty personality...it's basic disrespect and you don't do that when your BF has made his feelings clear ...at least not right in front of him.

I have a bit of a flirty/friendly personality too...but I would never flirt right under my husband's nose as if though he means nothing.

...and I have no issue if he flirts when I'm not there....but I'd be pi$$ed off if he did it in front of me. He's not a flirt though and I trust him.
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Old 1st March 2018, 4:33 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
I don't think she's naive at all. She knew exactly what she was doing and she knows how others guys will perceive it.

She just likes being the centre of attention and treated you as though you should be privileged to be with her.

The best thing was showing her you wouldn't put up with that nonsense. She's not interested in self awareness...with her infidelity history you've dodged a bullet.

This is more than having a flirty personality...it's basic disrespect and you don't do that when your BF has made his feelings clear ...at least not right in front of him.

I have a bit of a flirty/friendly personality too...but I would never flirt right under my husband's nose as if though he means nothing.

...and I have no issue if he flirts when I'm not there....but I'd be pi$$ed off if he did it in front of me. He's not a flirt though and I trust him.
Thanks for this. It is reassuring.

You know, one thing I remember saying to her last night was that I understand (and fully expect) us to meet other people while we're together and to even find other people attractive. That's normal and healthy. But what I care about is how it's ultimately handled.

The particular guy I am concerned about, she was well-aware of it and we talked about his behavior with her in the past. She initiated the idea that she needed to be more careful with him (and guys in general). I have not seen action on that front so far. In fact, I see her allowing things to escalate.

I gave her the benefit of doubt that she is not intentionally doing anything and does not have romantic interest in this guy, but I do believe this particular guy is definitely coming on to her. I feel uncomfortable about it, and she did not seem willing to work with me on the matter anymore. Intentional or not on her part, if she cannot take my feelings seriously that it is a concern, and instead continue to behave with this guy the way she is and then say it's my problem, then I know it cannot be resolved. At that point it's up to me to either learn to accept her behavior toward me and other men, or leave the relationship because I cannot handle it emotionally and because it will damage us. I chose to end it because of the latter. I take full responsibility for my feelings and know I cannot feel safe with a woman who behaves that way (on top of the other issues I mentioned that were red flags).

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 1st March 2018 at 4:38 PM..
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Old 1st March 2018, 6:50 PM   #11
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We are not there to see what happened, and what you describe is through jealous/insecure eyes. I'm not saying your feelings are not valid, I'm saying your perception might be different than an outsiders opinion.
You make her out to be this horrible person when she was simply being friendly flirty comfortable around her acquaintances. It made you feel uncomfortable, and she didn't see it an issue...She's either a jerk, stupid, or fiercely independent. None that is suitable for you. You made the right choice to end it, but don't be a jerk because it didn't work out for you two. Makes you look like a sour puss. We win some we lose some. I'm sure you will find yourself someone more suitable soon enough and you will forget about all this.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 1:59 AM   #12
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One thing I did not say in my initial post because I feel ashamed to say it, but I feel like I need to say it now, is that this relationship is/was an affair. She is married, but she has not felt her marriage has been working for a long time and we fell in love through the dance scene. I was 'the other man' in a separate affair about a year ago, and I can't believe I have wound up in this situation again. But she said she has not had an affair before and that she would consider having children with and marrying me. She has been trying to get pregnant with me during sex and said if she got pregnant she would keep it. It has been a very intense relationship, and I have no doubt the nature of the affair contributed to my feelings of jealousy with seeing other guys hitting on her and her giggling and enjoying it. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I feel really confused right now and really hurt. I do love her, but I do not feel comfortable with the way she acts with certain guys who are obviously flirting with her. But strangely, I don't feel jealous of her husband because I know their marriage isn't healthy. She has cheated on him twice in the last ten years, but they were both one-time encounters. This was a full-blown affair and she lives with me while he is traveling on business. Please don't judge me. I just want to be loved, get married and have children, and she matched really well with me.

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Old 2nd March 2018, 3:11 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
One thing I did not say in my initial post because I feel ashamed to say it, but I feel like I need to say it now, is that this relationship is/was an affair. She is married, but she has not felt her marriage has been working for a long time and we fell in love through the dance scene. I was 'the other man' in a separate affair about a year ago, and I can't believe I have wound up in this situation again. But she said she has not had an affair before and that she would consider having children with and marrying me. She has been trying to get pregnant with me during sex and said if she got pregnant she would keep it. It has been a very intense relationship, and I have no doubt the nature of the affair contributed to my feelings of jealousy with seeing other guys hitting on her and her giggling and enjoying it. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I feel really confused right now and really hurt. I do love her, but I do not feel comfortable with the way she acts with certain guys who are obviously flirting with her. But strangely, I don't feel jealous of her husband because I know their marriage isn't healthy. She has cheated on him twice in the last ten years, but they were both one-time encounters. This was a full-blown affair and she lives with me while he is traveling on business. Please don't judge me. I just want to be loved, get married and have children, and she matched really well with me.
Yes, you should have included that. It's important information.

You keep winding up in these situations because you don't have appropriate boundaries either. Where is your sense of respect, both for yourself and for the marriages you're meddling in?

Pot, meet kettle.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 11:20 AM   #14
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Tuna,

You really should have mentioned you're the OM.
I remember the last time thud happened to you...She left her fiance and still didn't choose to be with you.

How did you end up going from an engaged woman to a married woman?

...and you're suprised that she flirts when she's cheating on her husband.

She spins you a story about not being happy with her husband...and you believe the word of a cheater.

You won't get commitment from a cheater. Start dating single available women or you'll wind up in this situation time and time again.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 11:29 AM   #15
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Although you didnít leave her for the reason you shouldíve, Iím glad you left her nonetheless. We all want to be loved Tuna but you gotta be patient and more selective. You wouldnít want a relationship like the last one which took you months to recover from. Take care.
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