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Is messaging an ex the same as cheating?


Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 30th January 2018, 1:16 PM   #16
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I agree with everyone here that it's not appropriate. Mainly because of the hiding If he was transparent about this, sharing everything with you, allowing you to know her, than it was different.

But hiding this "friendship" from you, and after you discovered that, lying to you about it, makes the whole thing to look bad. And I think this is the argument you should stick to.

You should tell him that, of course, friendships with females aren't forbidden, but if it was friendship, he wouldn't hide it and lie about it. Since he did, that it's not just friendship, sharp and clear. So he must cut everything with this woman, not because of you, but because of HIM. If he refuses, it means that he refuses to take responsibility for his mistakes. Why would you want to stay with a man that throws responsibility on others, when it's his mistakes?
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Old 30th January 2018, 2:01 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Slevin2020 View Post
I need to know what others think...is this okay and am I just too old fashioned?

My SO and I have been together for 6 years. Before we met, he divorced his wife and met a woman who was married. They were friends, and they fooled around behind her husband's back. She lives in another state. She is still married. When my SO and I started dating seriously, he went to see her. I thought it was a goodbye of sorts and I was okay with that (we had just begun to date exclusively).

Two years ago, I discovered that they have been messaging each other. I honestly didn't try and snoop - we work together, live together, have combined our families, etc. It made me very upset, as I thought things were done between them. He claimed that they are just friends and treated me like I was crazy jealous and totally in the wrong. He said that he should be able to have friends and that is all that they are. We made up and things were better after a while and he said he wasn't talking to her anymore.

Well, so here I am again and they are still messaging each other. Now, he has said things like he wants to see her, wants to talk to her, wishes he had his pilot license still so he could fly down, see her and be back by dinner. She doesn't seem to reciprocate his forward messages...tells him to go and get me if he wants a massage...etc...

Anyway, they text several times a week, usually between 10 and midnight.

Here I am...divorcee, raising a daughter who has already been through a broken home, living with a man who obviously isn't over the woman he could never have...but, we own a company together, we live together, my daughter is attached to him, his son is attached to me.

I know that there is no way that he will ever be able to act on these feelings for her since she is so far away. But it still feels like cheating. Am I right, or old fashioned?

I don't think there is anything I can do about it this time. I should never have seen the messages to begin with. So, how do I swallow that lump of betrayal and still lie down with this man who is thinking of another while he is with me?

The real problem is with yourself.

Why would you even countenance putting your child into a broken situation when you've recently emerged from one?

Is your thought process so skewed that you will accept such a man as a father figure for your child? You've been with him for 6 years? He never stopped messaging her and has probably done so over the entire 6 years.

Are you really this desperate that you will accept such treatment for a number of years only to be surprised when it happens again?

Realize that you do not require anyone else to raise your daughter. You need to be stronger than this. Your SO knows that emotionally you need him more than he needs you. Which is why he seems to pay little attention to your concerns.

We teach people how to treat us by how we carry ourselves. Stop teaching him to treat you with such utter disregard for you.

And before you say that you KNOW he'll never cheat on you, what in the hell do you think he is doing right now?

His ex could simply block him and that would be an end to the messages. but obviously she has left this door open by not doing so. Why?

You know the answer. Now get off your duff and do something about it. This stuff WILL affect your relationship with your daughter in the future if you don't show some intestinal fortitude today..
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Old 30th January 2018, 2:55 PM   #18
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Send her husband anonymous message if you want to break up their relationship. It would be better to dump his cheating butt though.
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Old 30th January 2018, 2:56 PM   #19
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No it isn't automatically cheating.. but in this case I do believe it is.. and has been for a while..

If he isn't giving it to her her certainly wants to.
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Old 30th January 2018, 3:46 PM   #20
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Yes, I think it is cheating and at least a betrayal of trust.
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Old 30th January 2018, 7:50 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slevin2020 View Post
Before we met, he divorced his wife and met a woman who was married. They were friends, and they fooled around behind her husband's back. She lives in another state. She is still married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slevin2020 View Post
He claimed that they are just friends and treated me like I was crazy jealous and totally in the wrong. He said that he should be able to have friends and that is all that they are.
To be clear, they claimed to be just friends as they cheated behind her husband's back; I am sure that they told her husband what he is now telling you, that she "should be able to have friends and that is all that they" were, as they abused his trust and had sex with each other. Now they are telling you the same thing, and he has the nerve to says that you are "crazy jealous" for not believing a proven pair of cheating liars that already have a history of cheating with each other.
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Old 30th January 2018, 7:57 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slevin2020 View Post
I need to know what others think...is this okay and am I just too old fashioned?

My SO and I have been together for 6 years. Before we met, he divorced his wife and met a woman who was married. They were friends, and they fooled around behind her husband's back. She lives in another state. She is still married. When my SO and I started dating seriously, he went to see her. I thought it was a goodbye of sorts and I was okay with that (we had just begun to date exclusively).

Two years ago, I discovered that they have been messaging each other. I honestly didn't try and snoop - we work together, live together, have combined our families, etc. It made me very upset, as I thought things were done between them. He claimed that they are just friends and treated me like I was crazy jealous and totally in the wrong. He said that he should be able to have friends and that is all that they are. We made up and things were better after a while and he said he wasn't talking to her anymore.

Well, so here I am again and they are still messaging each other. Now, he has said things like he wants to see her, wants to talk to her, wishes he had his pilot license still so he could fly down, see her and be back by dinner. She doesn't seem to reciprocate his forward messages...tells him to go and get me if he wants a massage...etc...

Anyway, they text several times a week, usually between 10 and midnight.

Here I am...divorcee, raising a daughter who has already been through a broken home, living with a man who obviously isn't over the woman he could never have...but, we own a company together, we live together, my daughter is attached to him, his son is attached to me.

I know that there is no way that he will ever be able to act on these feelings for her since she is so far away. But it still feels like cheating. Am I right, or old fashioned?

I don't think there is anything I can do about it this time. I should never have seen the messages to begin with. So, how do I swallow that lump of betrayal and still lie down with this man who is thinking of another while he is with me?
Your relationship is dysfunctional and you are settling for a love less than you (or anyone) deserves. Your choices are to either make a plan to extricate yourself from the situation with minimal disruption to the kids, and find someone who will truly love you, or you accept your situation and live with it. Think hard about that because he will never truly love you and you will likely become increasingly bitter about that over time. My personal opinion is that you don't swallow it, you don't settle, you do the hard work necessary to move on. I mean, he's being "forward" ... WTF is that. How disrespectful to you.

Last edited by fredflint; 30th January 2018 at 8:01 PM..
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Old 30th January 2018, 8:03 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by road View Post
He has never stopped cheating with her.
yes.... ^^ This
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Old 30th January 2018, 8:04 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Slevin2020 View Post
Yah, I get you. If I were younger and not responsible for my daughter, I'd be gone 2 years ago - never looking back. But, I'm not even supposed to have seen these messages, so how do I deal with that? Confront him anyway and then we go down the violation of privacy bs road again? Feel like I can't address it at all. As I mentioned, we own a business together. It's not just my relationship, it's tied to my livelihood.
You don't owe him a reason to leave him. Just make a plan, and try to make it gentle on the kids.
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Old 30th January 2018, 8:06 PM   #25
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No, you do not go down that road at all.

Well, not until you have dealt with the matter at hand first. His inappropriate behaviour. This should be item 1 on the agenda.

Once you have dealt with that, then you can discuss your lack of trust. Of course, you don't trust him because he is untrustworthy and you have evidence of that. Once he becomes trustworthy, you can start to trust him. But he can't expect you to trust him when he is showing complete lack of respect and total untrustworthiness.

THAT is the road you go down.
In her shoes, I wouldn't even waste my time trying to fix him. Even if she gets assurances (1) she can't trust him (2) he IS NEVER GOING TO LOVE HER
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Old 30th January 2018, 8:10 PM   #26
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You know that he is cheating with her, and he knows that you know but does not care. If you make excuses that accept this, you will only be dragging out and painfully delaying the inevitability end of this relationship. If you cannot change your partner from their cheating ways, you need to change partners.

Somewhere out there is a person that would wake up every day thanking God that they have you in their life. That person is not your current partner. The longer that you waste your life in this relationship, the longer it will take to find a happier life. I said this to a friend when he found out that his wife was cheating on him, and he was doing the pick me monkey dance to try to save his marriage. Now just 3 years later, they are divorced, and he is now engaged to be married to a beautiful and wonderful woman that is openly in love with him. The future wife is a major upgrade, it is not even close.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:43 AM   #27
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If they are talking strictly about say a child they had together etc. an occasional text is fine but outside of children there should be no emotional attachment at all left. If that is occurring then yes it is a form of cheating just like watching porn behind a spouse's back is a form of cheating too. All forms of cheating start emotionally. Good luck to you.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 12:00 PM   #28
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The secrecy makes it cheating. Friendships happen out in the open.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:55 AM   #29
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If you don't want to bring up seeing the messages....if it were me...I'd just say I'm not happy in the relationship anymore and want to split.

If he asks why...I'd say I believe he still has feelings for his previous AP...that I don't want to be drawn into a discussion about it...and would rather focus on how we split up amicably.

I've little patience for such nonsense...especially as you don't share children.

I don't like drama or big showdowns...I much prefer to extricate myself fron the situation.

I had this with an Ex..and when he called I just said bit to bother calling me again..he asked why..I told him I knew he was still with his Ex...he tried to argue. I just hung up.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 12:35 PM   #30
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It is emotional cheating. It doesn't have to be sexual, but it is attachment motivated by romantic feelings. He's addicted to it, that's why he is very defensive and protective about it. He is the one initiating most of the messaging.

Since you are so invested and you are seeking a solution, the only one I can give you is to go to couples counseling. And before you do this, you need to stand up for yourself, and don't let him down play the situation...explain to him he needs to go or you are walking....you will be getting a lawyer. (Personally I would seek legal counseling first just to see your options and get prepared).
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