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Are certain ASMR videos considered cheating?

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Old 1st February 2017, 4:31 PM   #1
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Question Are certain ASMR videos considered cheating?

I have been with my lover for 7 years, married for two. In the first few years of our relationship, I discovered his porn addiction. (He watched it multiple times every day, once even when I was over in the next room.) We worked it out, he got help and we decided to watch ones we both liked together and to keep the intimacy between us- I recorded videos, took photos of myself--participated to help make it easier for him and overall he changed and it brought us a lot closer. He has been an amazing person to me overall these 7 years, I don't want to make him sound awful, but I had to reach out and ask for non biased advice because I am freaking out.

After 2 years of marriage he introduces me to [Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR)]. At first I freak when I notice a video of an alluring girl with huge boobs looking provactive at the camera. Then I listen and it's just fingernails scratching, book pages flipping, weird sounds. He said it was relaxing, I just said "cool". I saw no problem with it and I didn't want to [] shame the girl.

I'm cool with us women flaunting what we got. Later I discovered his YouTube history and saw that for months (and now I realize over a year) he has been listening to "soft touch" "personal massage" "steamy dreamy spa personal attention" "soft touch and whispered words". I watched the videos and they have a huge sexual overtone. The women act like significant others, and say things and do things that I used to do to him...They made me really uncomfortable. Especially because we barely have intimacy between us. I used to whisper him to sleep, massage him and say kind words. But now it seems he is getting it somewhere else.

I have caught him falling asleep while HOLDING ME listening to these other women whisper him and give him touching and mouth sounds to sleep. How is this okay? What do you think? I haven't said anything. Am I overreacting? What do I do? I am a survivor of abuse it's important to me my relationship is honest and monogamous.

Is this abusive?
Is this cheating?
Do you think he will change?
Should I leave?

Thank you so much to anyone who replies.

Last edited by Moderator; 1st February 2017 at 4:39 PM.. Reason: paragraphs, acronym clarification, and language ~6
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Old 1st February 2017, 4:48 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by castleintheclouds View Post
How is this okay? What do you think? I haven't said anything. Am I overreacting? What do I do? I am a survivor of abuse it's important to me my relationship is honest and monogamous. Is this abusive? Is this cheating? Do you think he will change? Should I leave? Thank you so much to anyone who replies.
Everyone has a slightly different definition of cheating. based on what you have written, then I am guessing that YOU consider it cheating.

That is what matters. If you consider it cheating, then it is cheating. If it takes away from the marital intimacy, then it is cheating. If it adds to it and you are okay with it,then it is not.

It does NOT matter what anyone else thinks.

Would I call it abusive? No, but you may. Would I leave someone for it? Probably not, but then you have dealt with a porn addiction too so this may be the last straw. IMO it is simply a continuation of the same addiction, and I do think he takes it too far.

More detail. Some added to help you understand the attraction.

As for ASMR, I have listened to many of them because supposedly it relaxes, excites, or whatever to some who listen to them.

It did nothing for me. No amount of whispering or scratching or licking made me feel anything except maybe irritated. Even the sexy talk gave me minimal excitement simply because I couldn't get caught up in the fantasy of it.

He must feel something, and being that he is listening to alot of it, then it has become audio porn. Some guys and women say that it sends chills through them, or (guys) turns them on. I have heard of some guys actually getting off by them without touching themselves. Seriously. Simply by listening. My guess is that this applies only to the young fellers who can get off from looking at the right picture.

There are also erotic hypnosis videos. The first couple of times they gave me some thrills, but then they made me fall asleep but nothing more. And also to educate you, there are binaural beats that actually can affect more people. Some do excite or relax or more. I remember my wife asking me about one, but that one did nothing. Later I listened to a different one and it did.
"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it."

Last edited by JamesM; 1st February 2017 at 4:52 PM..
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Old 1st February 2017, 5:44 PM   #3
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Thank you for your reply you are so right seriously I am crying sm right now.

In case anyone is interested, here are the videos he is watching. This is one of his recent binges, he watched all of these in a row while laying next to me in bed with his arms around me. In other forums people are like "do you know what ASMR is." And then they go into this long explanation of the tingle sensations some people get and how it helps I'm like- I don't care if it helps or how it works! It's cheating to do it when you have a real life wife! Also, I'm 26 I'm hot as f and I know it I work out I'm a ddd cup and I'm great in bed. I honestly think he just gets off more to this. I don't know what to do I guess I should start collecting bottle cans I'm entirely dependent on him.


Last edited by Moderator; 1st February 2017 at 5:47 PM.. Reason: redacted inappropriate links ~6
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Old 1st February 2017, 6:17 PM   #4
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He is that kind of guy that sees women as objects. There is no emotion of love, or feelings involved. It's just stimulation. I would say he has the inability to enjoy monogamy because he is so emotionally detached and focused on sexual stimulation. It could be learned behavior from childhood. Sounds to me he has a form of sex addiction.

I would say he might benefit by seeing a psychiatrist.

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