FadedSign52 Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 I've been dating a girl for 4 months or so that I really like. I've met her parent, friends and we've talked about moving in together in the future some time soon. I am very attracted to her physically and emotionally and we are similar in a lot of ways and complement each other in a lot of other ways. I can see a future with her and I know she feels the same. After we got serious I stopped talking to some (2) women I consider friends that I had a sexual past with and who I would still some times hang out with and help out with things. I did this because I felt that was the right thing to do out of respect for a new relationship that was getting serious. When we first started dating her phone would blow up several times in the evenings when this guy friend would call her. I know she has cut that back because it is not happening anymore. She told me about him the other day and apparently she has known him since college and they up until recently used to talk on the phone as much as every.single.day! That’s a pretty DEEP emotional relationship to have with someone for many years. Apparently he is a very pushy person and is not a good influence - smokes pot all day etc. She thinks he loves her (her words, I'm assuming there was an unstanted 'as a friend' here). She "hooked up" with him supposedly once in college and was very attracted to him back then but he was dating 4-5 girls (all her words). She seems to somehow make a big distinction between hooking up and sleeping with someone, I'm not quite sure what the difference is She called him when we were on our way home from visiting her family (driving separate cars) she is definitely still often in contact with him. Should I just not have cut off contact with my old female friends? One of them wanted me to go check out a car with her but I said no. When I asked my gf about it she said she definitely would not have been okay with me going with her to check out the car. Should I just not worry about this guy? He sounds like someone who has had a huge influence on her life for many years. I've had a past of making poor choices and overlooking what turned out to be red flags and I am trying to make sure I don't do that now since this is starting to get serious. Any advice would be appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
beyondcrushed Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 Set aside the fact you toned down your friendships with old flames. Right now focus on how it makes you feel when she called her old flame. Then be honest and assertive with her. Tell her, "I feel sad or angry that you are in so much contact with ur old flame. I feel threatened,second best, whatever it is." then ask her for what you need from her. "I need you to respect what we have. I want to be included inm ur frienship, or at least meet the guy. Bring him to the house, whatevr". Then leave it at that. See what she does (not what she says). Don't say anything again about it. If you continue to feel upset by her actions, then you have a decision to make. Accept the way things are or leave her. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker. Going back to you toning things down with your female friends...just cause you do something, doesn't mean she will or should follow suit. You can't expect that of someone. It's not a bargaining chip. If you do something for you or the relationship, you have to do it just for yourself cause it makes you happy. It may help to sit down and have an open conversation about past flames and friendships and how you each view them in the context of ur relationship. And come to an agreement. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
plmted Posted May 6, 2016 Share Posted May 6, 2016 I'd def. suggest that you guys talk so that you have a chance to get on the same page about contact with ex's, etc. It seems like your and her expectations differ on how much contact with exes is ok. I find that when people are worried about whether they're overreacting or not (I also experience this, a lot), it's because a real alarm is going off. There's a real reason for your feelings, anxiety, and concern. In a good relationship, there's room to deal with and talk about those things and hopefully get to a better understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orion39 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 I can understand your concern, I think the best thing for you to do is express these concerns with your girlfriend. Communication is key, while that relationship may never cease to exist, you can at least make it known it concerns you. As for cutting off your connections with your previous girlfriends, I don't know if I would do that if I were in your position. I still am friends with an ex-girlfriend and we were sexually active as well. Again, being honest and open about who they were and who they are now in your life is important. Not that jealous will never be an issue, but it's important to be able to keep friends in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 It seems to me that simply because you CHOSE to cut off all contact with your previous 'flames' you should expect, or be entitled to suppose that she would do the same with her exes, and you feel it's unjustified that she hasn't. While I do not condone her actions, what she does is her choice. She isn't obligated to cut contact simply because you have. However: Her double-standards are of concern, and her excessive involvement with him is, I would say, something to openly discuss. I would tackle this on neutral territory, and do so tactfully. OWN your feelings. Don't accuse, with 'you, you, you....' Tell her how it makes you feel, think and react. Get her to understand that just as she would have a bad feeling with regard to your continued interaction with your exes, so it stands to reason that this connection she has with HER ex, makes you feel very uncomfortable. At 4 months? This is a problem that could make or break.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 You sound young. One of this problems with this hook up generation thought process is that there is no understanding that when you become "exclusive" with someone, and i think that is the case here, that relationships with old hook up buddies do not stay the same. There have been a number of threads here by young guys involved with girls who want an exclusive relationship, sometimes even including marriage, but who also want to "hang out" constantly with their male friends alone. That is bull ****. If you want to do that it is great. Stay single and unattached. But buddy, you are not off base here being concerned about this relationship. there are too many guys and husbands out there who are sucking this crap up for fear of being called controlling. married folks and people in committed relationships can have friends of the opposite sex but the boundaries need to change and be defined. And for those who disagree keep reading the infidelity posts and you will see what I am talking about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FadedSign52 Posted May 7, 2016 Author Share Posted May 7, 2016 I am young, I am 40 Yes 4 months in and I am trying to make sure I am not making a bad choice here and move on if I should. I don't feel like I have time to waste. Now to defend her a bit she hooked up with him many years ago (never slept with supposedly) and has become friends with him since and has been for many years. I know I shouldn't have the expectation that she necessarily does what I do in terms of cutting off contact with ex's. And I agree that I need to decide if this is a deal breaker, that’s why I am asking for your advice He in another part of the country otherwise meeting him would be a great idea to either set me at ease or decide if its not for me. It does concern me a bit that they have such an extremely close relationship. But she has several female friends she talked to on the phone on an almost daily basis also so that seems to be part of her persona. Plmted agreed! I have not trusted my gut feelings in past relationships and ended up regretting it badly later. I need to talk to her openly about it, that is the advice I am taking away from this. I can tell I have been pulling back from the relationship emotionally which is not a good thing. Thanks all!! Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted May 7, 2016 Share Posted May 7, 2016 She definitely has trouble with boundaries. I am in touch with old flames, have been for years and years but boundaries are very clear, no-one blows up anyone's phone. I am 43 so reckon have a good grasp on how a mature adult should behave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beyondcrushed Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 (edited) It's not a dealbreaker...yet. It's early days - 4mos. Give it another couple months. Usually, a person would reduce or change how they associate with exflames for the sake of the new relationship. And always act with respect towards you and your relationship. The dealbreaker would be if she didn't act with respect. Edited May 8, 2016 by beyondcrushed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 8, 2016 Share Posted May 8, 2016 If you see a real future with her then you need to learn to communicate properly. Have the talk about boundaries/expectations. IMO it's unhealthy for her to keep in contact with this guy. She doesn't need him to emotionally rescue her anymore, she has you now. Tell her if she wants to see a future together, he needs to go because his motives are so obvious and she knows this. Time to cut the cord. When me and my husband knew we were going to be together for the long haul, we cleaned house. Got rid of unnecessary acquaintances, exs, and hang arounds/orbitors. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FadedSign52 Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 If you see a real future with her then you need to learn to communicate properly. Have the talk about boundaries/expectations. IMO it's unhealthy for her to keep in contact with this guy. She doesn't need him to emotionally rescue her anymore, she has you now. Tell her if she wants to see a future together, he needs to go because his motives are so obvious and she knows this. Time to cut the cord. When me and my husband knew we were going to be together for the long haul, we cleaned house. Got rid of unnecessary acquaintances, exs, and hang arounds/orbitors. We talk every night on the phone when we are not together and text constantly. I definitely feel like I am the priority. I don't think his motives are to hook up with her, I do think they've just developed a friendship over the years. But just not sure if I am okay with it in the long term if we get serious. I really like her though. I'll give it some time. I am getting older and don't feel like I have time to waste, and I didn't have a hard time finding people online. Perhaps I am overreacting to potential deal breakers where in the past I would have more patience. Why can't I just order the perfect partner in a catalog that would make things so much easier ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Does he know you exist? When she tells him what she's been doing, does she mention your name? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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