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I'm destroying myself - me.

Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 20th September 2015, 6:07 PM   #1
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I'm destroying myself - me.

Hi Loveshack.

Before I start I want you all to know how much I hate myself for what I am about to write. I know I deserve harsh words for what I have done and worse. But please give me advice here. I don't think I can hate myself anymore as it is so harsh words won't help me.

I have been engaged to my best friend, my love, for the past year (we have been together for 5 years). He's incredible. There is nothing I could want from a relationship that I don't get from R. I love him with all my heart.

About two years ago, I went on a downward spiral of self destruction. R supported me in receiving professional help from a psychiatrist. I am on medication and have been diagnosed with OCD, an eating disorder, major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. I am telling you this as it is highly relevant. In simple terms, I spend my whole life feeling chronically empty, alone and in pain. Sometimes I do reckless things to make myself feel better when the pain gets too much - such as self harming (overdosing on meds), starving myself or perhaps the worst of them all- cheating. I am not for one minute saying this excuses my behaviour, it does not. But it does explain why I do the stupid things I do. I am receiving therapy and am generally improving, apart from a blip the other day, which starts my story.

I'm very lonely. I don't talk to people in my work particularly (it's a very isolated job) and all my friends are older than me and have families to worry about (I'm 26).

A few months ago, a colleague started at work. At first, he seemed nice. He seemed like he wanted to get to know me, talk to me. I was so happy about this! He paid am interest in my life. I never found him attractive, and I didn't suspect he fancied me at all until one night when he tried it on with me in the pub after work (there were other people there, they had gone out for a smoke at this point).

I don't drink because of my mental state and rejected his advances. My mistake at this point - I got all emotional as a result and confided too much in him (telling him everything above, including a recent self harm attempt that landed me in hospital). I pleaded with him not to try it on with me because I can't be trusted. I told him how much I love R but mess it up and I didn't want to anymore. I pleaded with him to be my friend because I enjoy his company and we get on. I pleaded with him to get to know R (R works away. This suggestion didn't go down too well with him saying "I don't think we have anything in common" - he's met him once!). I pleaded with him to just be my friend and nothing else. I should also say he was the only person apart from R and my family who I had told about any of my problems. I keep them to myself but I stupidly thought I could trust him and by telling him about my problems he could step up and just be a friend (like I thought he was).

Since then, hes always tried to engineer situations that end up just the two of us (suggesting we get the bus together after the pub, or inviting me out for drinks and suggesting I don't invite anyone else along which is what I normally do). I've done my best to avoid these; rejecting any further advances (such as him inviting me back to his flat to stay over on the sofa as he lives in town. When I rejected this he told me "just don't tell R and it'll be fine" to which I told him where to go). I should probably say - I have Always been honest with R about everything I have done and never hid or lied about anything.

This was all fine, I thought I was managing it and I thought he was getting the message and actually stepping up as a friend! I thought I'd managed it! But the other night on a rare occasion I gave in and had a drink, you get the picture. He kissed me. I kissed him back. I broke away from the kiss and got all emotional again, saying I couldn't believe I've done it again etc. I left shortly after in an emotional state. I told R what had happened. He doesn't know how we can get through anymore. This has triggered a depressive episode for me and I don't know how to get out of it. I love R and I hate myself for being so weak and hurting him.

I have no faith in my own decisions and I can't talk to anyone about this. So I ask the world of loveshack for help.

I feel used by my colleague. Since then, he text me to ask me how my weekend was (I ignored it). I've actually not been able to leave my room this weekend. He hasn't text me to see if I'm actually ok or even to see if I got back okay after my emotional exit the other night. He knows I have a tendency to do stupid things which hurt me, but that doesn't appear to occur to him. I really thought he cared about me as a friend, but he doesn't, does he? Why did he participate in letting me ruin my life?

I'm planning on just being civil to him when I am in work and am looking at moving jobs soon anyway to be nearer to R. But I don't want to engage in conversation with him. I feel so used and manipulated. How can I stop this? Men treat me badly but I treat R badly and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Please don't judge me. Please.
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Old 20th September 2015, 7:03 PM   #2
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No judging just being matter of fact.

You told your fiance, which was the smartest thing you did thus far. Now all there is for you to do is let go of the outcome.
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Old 21st September 2015, 3:00 PM   #3
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Two suggestions..

Get the book 'not just friends' by Linda Mcdonald. You need to not have ANY male friends because you can't be trusted. You have to recognise that certain 'rules' are to be abided by:

No drinking without your BF being there
No after work socialising
No conversations with men at work that are not work related

TBH this relationship is now abusive for your BF. He's getting hurt over and over and he's probably wondering how much more he can take.

Ask yourself this - if your brother (imagine you have one if you don't ), was going through this - what would you tell him to do? Really think about this. It may just be that you aren't a safe partner for anyone at the moment and should be on your own.

I know I'd be telling my son or brother - to get out of this relationship yesterday.

Sorry, if it's not what you want to hear, but it's unfair for him to have to keep dealing with this. Maybe if you love him - you ought to set him free and stop him suffering.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 21st September 2015, 4:42 PM   #4
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You've cheated on the guy before, so just dump him. If you loved him you wouldn't of cheated. There isn't much left to say.
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Old 22nd September 2015, 8:55 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Spectre View Post
You've cheated on the guy before, so just dump him. If you loved him you wouldn't of cheated. There isn't much left to say.
More importantly her fiance knows she has borderline personality disorder so he knows what he's getting. How many threads in the infidelity/divorce section included one party who was troubled?

OP I would suggest getting a new job and blocking your co-worker's phone number. As for why he participated - for sex, of course.
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Old 22nd September 2015, 4:38 PM   #6
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I do love him. I just feel such an emotional void that is so deep I do stupid things to fill it. I guess at that moment, I love myself more. That doesn't mean I don't love him.
The fact you cheated is what means you don't love him. Look I get you have emotional issues and that is indeed tragic and a complex issue. What isn't complex is you agreeing to go have a drink with this other guy.

The fact you don't see this just tells me you will just do it again in the future, especially since someone with whatever emotional issues you might have can't be cured overnight, so how much more damage will be inflicted before then? If you love him prove it and set him free.

Also I just want to say stop 100% blaming your colleague. Men treat you badly? This guy didn't do anything you didn't allow him to do. That is another bad sign: you act as if you were helpless in all this and the big mean guy you work with just took advantage of you and forced you to go have a drink with him and kiss him.

I'm not saying your colleague isn't slimy, but to play the "oh he knows I do stupid things that hurt me" card might be going a bit too far. He isn't your shrink or even your best friend, just a dude you work with. Did he take advantage of you? Not for me to say really as I don't know, you say you have told him off before. I have no way of knowing how "hard" you told him. Since he kept trying it makes me wonder how hard you really tried to dissuade him. Like I said, I don't know all these things..all I have to go on is what you've told us.

Last edited by Moderator; 22nd September 2015 at 10:51 PM..
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Old 22nd September 2015, 6:20 PM   #7
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Remind me not to post on forums again.

I actually considered this guy a friend for starters. I don't discuss my problems with anyone (hence the reason I'm resorting to strangers on the Internet), but I confided in him and I feel he took advantage of that.

I love my fiancÚ more than words can ever say. I never want to hurt him and I feel terrible for what I have done, I don't need to be reminded of that.

Perhaps if you woke up every day feeling completely worthless and empty with might crave excitement to fill that void from somewhere. So don't judge me when you know nothing about my illness or my problems. I didn't come on here to be judged.

Despite what you may think or what you want to believe, your co worker wasn't interest in being "friends" with you. While you may have confided in him and enjoyed the attention and interest he showed in your life, it's clear that he took every chance possible to try and get you to cheat on your BF. He repeatedly tried to get you to hang out with him one on one, he used your past confessions and manipulated you to think he was there to help and listen but he was just working his way in to try and get laid. If you don't want to believe this then that's fine. It's easier to deny the blunt truth than to realize that the person you thought highly of, just was biding his time and slowly breaking you down to hook up with him.

And after all it worked. Eventually you cracked and kissed him. If he was truly a friend he would've never put you in a situation where you would be able to kiss him. He would never ask you to purposely not invite others in order to be alone with you.

The fact that you still are looking for him to text you and see how you're doing is incredibly troubling. This guy is someone you need to sever all ties with and not communicate with anymore. If you were an alchoholic, would you continue to go hang out at bars just because you like the atmosphere and company there? Or would you realize the temptation was too strong and the smart thing would be to not go there anymore. The same goes with this guy.

You asked not to be judged which no one here is doing. You're being given advice on how to make better decisions. If we tell you that you need to stop hanging around your co worker and your reply is "no, I don't want to, he's nice and I enjoy being around him", then you don't really want advice, you just want a place to vent and voice your issues.

Last edited by Moderator; 22nd September 2015 at 10:52 PM..
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Old 22nd September 2015, 10:15 PM   #8
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One of my exes has Borderline Personality Disorder, so I understand you.

Are you afraid of being married? Are you afraid of being smothered in a relationship and loosing our "space"? Are you afraid your fiance will see who you are "inside" and will reject you? And thus you are "rejecting" him first?

It usually ALWAYS comes down to feeling engulfued or abondoned as a result of relationships right? Knocking your fiance down so that he feels like you do is not a solution. Do you want him to understand how you feel? This is not the way to do it.

You want to save your relationship? Tell that other guy to get lost. He is being a vulture.
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Old 23rd September 2015, 7:36 AM   #9
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borderline personality disorder is not a joke, it is a serious decease, but it is in most cases controllable by meds.
Knowing that you have BPD and knowing that the guy had intentions you should have never gone out with him even to the pub with other guys. It's like a diabetic accepting an invite to attend a sugar cake tasting festival. unfortunately there are a lots of predators that would take advantage of women like you and your coworker is one of them, he wants to use you for sex he doesn't care about you or your emotions, remember what he said about being a friend to your fiance R, he doesn't give a damn about R, he just saw a broken woman and want to get her for his own benefit. I know you have BPD but that doesn't excuse your behavior accepting his temptations when he told you what he wanted. you should have stayed away from him
you should block his number and never talk to him at all, do not go out to a pup without R. and get treated
hopefully R understand what BPD is
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Old 23rd September 2015, 9:42 AM   #10
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If you loved your fiancÚ more then "words can say" then you wouldn't be on this forum right now using WORDS to describe to us how you cheated on him. You get this, right? I shouldn't need to point this out.

The trouble now is..this guy really is going to have to babysit you to ever truly be able to trust you and who wants to babysit their partner?

You also see the problem when your shady behavior is pointed out and your response is "remind me not to post on forums again". Did you want people to just pat you on the back, brush this under the rug with the excuse of "mental issues" and send you on your merry way? Do you need to be coddled now or do you need cold, hard, truth?

Last edited by Spectre; 23rd September 2015 at 9:45 AM..
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Old 23rd September 2015, 12:22 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by qubist View Post
borderline personality disorder is not a joke, it is a serious decease, but it is in most cases controllable by meds.
Qubist, no, BPD is not considered to be a disease and meds won't make a dent in it. Although the term "disorder" typically refers to a "disease" throughout the medical field, the term is used far more broadly in psychology to refer sometimes to diseases (e.g., clinical disorders such as bipolar) and sometimes to behavioral syndromes that are not diseases (i.e., the personality disorders). This is discussed, e.g., in Chapman's 2013 BPD book.

If BPD were a disease, we all would be sick because every adult on the planet exhibits all nine of the BPD traits to some degree. Hence, unlike a disease such as chickenpox, BPD is not something you "have" or "don't have." Rather, it is something we all have to some degree -- and the strength of our BPD traits changes at various points in our lives. At low to moderate levels, these traits are protective and are an essential part of our ego defenses. Generally, they become a problem only when they become so strong and persistent that they undermine one's attempts to sustain close long-term relationships.

Significantly, nearly all people having strong BPD traits also have at least one co-occurring "clinical disorder" such as bipolar, OCD, depression, anxiety, or PTSD -- all of which are treated by medications. Hence, the medications prescribed for BPDers do not target the BPD but, rather, those co-occurring disorders.
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Old 23rd September 2015, 4:00 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by MillieLjm123 View Post
But the other night on a rare occasion I gave in and had a drink, you get the picture. He kissed me. I kissed him back. I broke away from the kiss and got all emotional again, saying I couldn't believe I've done it again etc. I left shortly after in an emotional state. I told R what had happened. He doesn't know how we can get through anymore.

Please don't judge me. Please.
Did you do more than kiss? This seems a bit out of proportion. Have you done this before?
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Old 23rd September 2015, 4:20 PM   #13
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The important thing, whether this relationship continues or not, is that you learn from this experience.

You know yourself, and you know you have a proclivity to do this. So you need to take control and set up your life in a way where it is unlikely to happen.

This means you do not drink at all, period. Or if you do, it is only around your SO or a trusted FEMALE friend who will watch out for you.

It means you do not maintain friendships with men who show romantic interest in you. Even if you don't feel it back.

It means you have to set firm rules and boundaries for yourself, to protect yourself.

There is no point in hating yourself. It doesn't heal you to do so.

Forgive yourself, and LEARN. Like that song says, turn your pain into power. Maybe you can't fix this, but how can you fix yourself so that this never happens again?
Life is full of pain and horrors. And it is also full of beauty and joy. It is up to you what you wish this day to be for you... horrible or beautiful. Your thoughts and feelings in this moment will define this day for you.
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Old 23rd September 2015, 5:08 PM   #14
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I think she shouldn't maintain friendships with men period, regardless of any interest they might show.
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