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what the hell am i doing..?


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adrift_at_sea

Hi, Im 24 and I need advice please. I dont know what Im doing, so I'll try to explain the situation as best I can. I apologise if my post is a bit long-winded.

 

A bit over a month ago, I broke up with my now ex-gf of 4 years. The reason for this is that I always felt that there was something missing, and I just couldnt see myself married and living happily ever after with her. I know it shouldnt have taken this long to realise this, but I had thought I was happy and I was very comfortable with what we had. I know I've been a coward for not having the guts to break up with her sooner, but I've finally done it - with great regret at seeing the pain I've caused her.

 

I drank heavily for about a week after the breakup because I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. During this time, a female friend that I have known for about 6 months helped me get through it, relatively unscathed. We have since become very good friends and I have developed feelings for her. We've shared alot of personal things with each other - some things I wasn't even able to share with my ex. Our conversations are thoughtful, deep, and we seem to connect on a level that I've never experienced with anyone else before.

 

About two weekends ago, we went out for a night on the town and spent the night drinking and whatnot. I had a feeling she may have liked me as well, and towards the end of the night, we admitted to each other how we felt. I spend the next day with her (no sex!), and it felt like the start of something wonderful.

 

Since then, I've discovered that a mutual friend of ours is in love with her. I also know that my ex is still hung up on me, so the sensible thing to do was to stop what we have before it even started. I couldn't hurt my ex even more by getting with another girl straight away, and also didnt want to ruin the friendship we have with the mutual friend.

 

We have since spent more time "as friends" together - having dinner, seeing a movie etc. I enjoy her company alot, and Im starting to believe that I do actually really like her alot. It has been suggested that I could be on the rebound and latched onto the first girl who showed any empathy towards me. I dont think that is the case, but Im not sure because Ive only been in one serious, long-term r/ship. I've discussed this openly with her, and she has voiced her doubts about my "real" feelings towards her.

 

The problem is, I dont really want to like this girl, but I guess I cant help it. She has ALOT of male friends and she hangs out with them more than I think I'd be able to handle. She has mentioned that she will continue to see her male friends, and this includes watching movies, having dinners, and just going over to their houses to "hang out". I am absolutely sure she isnt going to cheat on me with them, but it doesnt help the way I feel. I know this says more about my own low self-esteem and insecurities, but Im hoping there are a few guys out there that might be able to back me up and say that they'd have a problem with this situation as well.

 

Last week, she told me that I should enjoy the single life for now and not worry too much about it. She said I should go out and have fun, date other women, and that if we were meant to be, it will happen. I told her that if this were to happen, I'd have to cut all ties from her because of the way I felt about her. She didnt want this to happen, and told me that if I was to cut all ties, she could probably forget about me may find companionship with someone else (she said she wouldnt actively pursue it, but its possible she might find it elsewhere). I've always believed in taking your chances when they come and what she said kinda scared me, so I told her that I would continue to be her friend and leave things the way they are (whilst privately thinking that I dont want to risk losing the chance that this could all work out)

 

I've seen her once since this almost-ultimatum she gave me, and right now I dont know what to make of this. Im sitting here thinking that I want to be with her, but I dont want to either. But I do like her alot. Am I on the rebound? What is she thinking? Dammit. Help please! :confused:

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Will you fall for anyone that shoes you attention or affection?

 

Why must it be this girl?! And this one doesn't even fit your needs, man. If you can't handle the way she is now (I couldn't either to be honest), you surely can't handle it once you two are committed! And she's already told you she's not changing.

 

Dang boy, run like hell! And don't risk losing your network of friends.

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Don't get involved with anyone seriously at this time. Go out with other friends, go ask other girls out, don't exclusively hang around with this one friend.

 

It isn't a good idea to get involved with an individual if you already have issues with how or whoever else they spend time with, or you have fears you would be insecure in such a relationship.

 

Your feelings for your friend may lessen over time. She's been there for you when you needed her, and it's easy to attach more signifigance on feelings from a friend than there really are. Look back in several months and decide how you really feel. Good luck.

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adrift_at_sea

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

Tiki - no I wont fall for anyone who gives me attention as I have platonic r/ships with female friends. Why must it be this girl? I dont know! We just get along so well, and I really enjoy being with her.

 

Morrigan - Im not sure its possible to get away from her. We all party on the weekends with the same crowd, so I know I'll run into her at least every weekend. Also, just recently we've booked and planned a week long group holiday after new years.

 

I am insecure about the whole male friends thing, but at the same thing I see it as an opportunity to perhaps try to fix that part of me. Is there no other solution but to run away fast?

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adrift..

 

wow, this sounds like my situation a year ago..I was that 'friend' in the situation..it's almost exactly the same, it's scary.

 

The guy I was seeing also had the same fears about hurting the ex, and scared of pursuing something new with me. He felt so guilty about breaking up with the ex, that he had to end things with me. I became very frustrated with this, and decided to just leave it, also thinking that if it is meant to be, we will be together in the future. I was crazy about this guy, head over heels, and he felt the same. If you just knew the situation, you would think that it's a rebound, but he never doubted that he truly has had strong feelings for me, and he will not deny that to this day.

 

I'm sorry that I can't give you any true advice..but I will tell you what the friend might be thinking. It's been a year since we last dated..and you know what, he felt so guilty about the ex, that he went back to her. They ended up breaking up multiple times..him breaking up with her. And throughout most of it..we have been emotionally and intellectually attached to each other. We only talk when we are out with our mutual friends, but when we are together, it is like nothing has changed. I look back on this situation, and if I could do it all over again, I would never have let him go. I have so much regret, about letting him go, and I feel that I am to blame for so much of it, because I was too scared to go after him. I could have been the one to keep chasing him and telling him that we can just take our time, and things will work out..instead of letting him completely go..and getting completely lost in the arms of his now current and former ex gf. I care for him so much that I worry for him ..even if I don't show it to him. If you have such strong feelings for this girl, I think you can safely think that she feels the same..but she is just very very scared. Imagine meetin someone who just came out of a 4 year relationship..there's so much attachment there that you will always wonder if the person is just on the rebound or if they will ever go back to the ex. And because of this..she is trying to save herself from getting hurt..I know how she feels..and even worse, is that you have mutual friends..and so you start to wonder if your friends will think you are trying to be a homewrecker by going after a guy who just broke up with his gf. There are just so many fears from this end of things...but at the same time, you kno that you've shared something so special, and this is why she knows that one day, if you are meant to be together, you will be. She doesn't worry about that..because she knows that it was something amazing, and there's no way that you can ever get that person off your mind, once you've had it.

 

I hope this helps..I think you should stay friends with her..give it time...and yes, the ex is hurt..but realize too that everybody goes through a break up at some time..it is an unfortunate, yet natural part of life..

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