I found an incriminating note....and I'm worried!!!

[Sweets1919]

I have been dating a guy since August. He works out of town and on his weeks off he comes to visit me and we spend time together. He came to my house last night and then today he left to go to his hometown for a few days. Well I was tidying up my room and I found a note that I was pretty sure was not mine...it was folded up but I opened it and saw it was to him (addressed "babe") from a girl. As I read it I realized it was from a girl that he had told me he dated earlier this year. As far as I can remember he was still with his longtime girlfriend up until March, but in the note, the girl said that they've "only been together since December" yet she feels so much for him and that she is hoping he will spend Valentines with her and not "Jane" (his longtime gf).

 

My concern is that he had not broken up with Jane (who lives in his hometown...far from this girl as she worked with him far away) by last December and that he was seeing this girl on the side. It makes me fearful that he would do the same thing to me and also disappoints me that he might have done that. This girl even signed the note that she "loves him" so it wasn't just a friendly note.

 

Should I mention this to him at all?? Sure I'm concerned that he'll look down on me for reading the note after I realized it was not mine. But why does he still have it after almost a year? And what if he still was with the gf at the time? When we first started seeing each other he told me that he never cheated on Jane despite their troubled 9 year relationship. He also told me he had slept with a few girls after he and Jane broke up (which as I believed was March/April)....but I'm sure they were together last December/January (or else why would the girl be calling herself "selfish" by saying she wants him with her on Valentines and not with Jane??)

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. He comes back to see me on Sunday for two days. Should I approach this with him on the phone while he's away? on sunday in person? not at all???

 

Thanks,

 

Sweets

[bluechocolate]

I think it's clear that he was seeing this girl while he was still with Jane, otherwise there should have been no question in her mind as to who he would be spending Valentine's Day with. So he started seeing her in December & ended things with Jane 3 months later (you think?). It was a while ago now & it is possible that he & Jane had ended some time "before" they formally called it quits. Many couples go through a drifting apart, where they start seeing other people, but still keep up the pretense of a relationship.

 

I understand your concern that he was possibly cheating on his previous relationship but for the time being I would try not to place too much emphasis on that. You can't know the full story of what was going on with those two towards the end of their 9 years & it's possible that he was "economical" with the truth because he knows how it can be interpreted.

 

I'm curious as to why he still has this note? Was he carrying it on his person after all this time or was it in a bunch of mixed-up papers & other notes?

 

I think you should mention it to him - don't worry about reading a note that was not yours. It was left in your house, you had every right to look at it - it's not like you were rifling through his stuff while he was out of the room, was it?

 

Maybe at first you could just mention it in passing - hand it back to him - open - and say "You left this here the other day, I thought you might like to have it back". and then wait to hear if he has anything to say about it.

 

If he doesn't have anything to say about it & I were in your shoes I would call him on it - "I'm curious about a couple of things, 1) of course it's your business, but I'm kind of confused why you're still carrying this note around because I have a right to know up front if we're still free to be dating other people, and 2) I thought you told me that you didn't start dating this girl until after you & Jane were over, now again, I understand this is yours & Janes business, but if there is anything else I'm likely to find out I'd rather it came straight from you.

 

I don't think you should ignore stuff like this - get it out & in the open & deal with it now. These things have a way of festering & planting doubts that will follow you until they're cleared up. Sadly by then it is often too late to make things better. You two are still early days - make sure you're headed in the right direction.

[Sweets1919]

Last night I sent him a text message and asked him when he and Jane broke up....he replied "April, is that ok?"

and I also asked when he started seeing other people and he replied "when I was ready"

So i wrote back and asked if he was ready before or after April and he wrote back "after"...then I wrote "have a good night" and he then called me.

 

So far I have been able to talk to him about my feelings etc and he wants me to be honest and he could tell something was wrong. So I told him that I found the note and read it and that from the sounds of it he was seeing this girl while he was still dating his girlfriend Jane.

 

He told me that he and "Lisa" met where he works (two weeks away at his job and then one week off...he'd go home to see Jane) and that he really liked her and that they did date each other for two months last December/January and yes they had sex so yes, he did cheat on Jane. I am well aware that the relationship between he and Jane had diminished over the years....he worked away a lot, she did not like being intimate when they were together. He told me that he could have fallen in love with Lisa and would have left Jane for her, but that Lisa ended up breaking it off and getting back together with her exboyfriend.

 

I am happy that my bf was honest with me and didn't lie about it (though he had just lied to me in the conversation by saying he started seeing other people after April). He said that Lisa wrote him a lot of notes so he is not surprised I found one....he did tell me I could throw it away...he does have lots of papers/receipts etc. with all of his stuff. I don't want to just end things prematurely with him ...but I also don't want to be a sucker. My last boyfriend (3 yrs ago) cheated on me and I'm just so angry about being lied to about things....I'm scared of getting hurt again. When my current bf and I started dating he told me about how things had been so bad in the last few years with Jane(no intimacy etc...got used to each other) but that he didn't cheat on her through any of it (he volunteered that...maybe to look better to me??)....Which now I know was a lie.

 

I will talk to him about this more on Sunday but I just don't know what I am looking for. He can say all the right things, but I guess it will be up to me to see if I want to risk getting burned again.

 

Thanks for any advice....

 

Sweets

[Sweets1919]

I forgot to say thanks for your reply....I really appreciated what you had to say and i would love any more advice/input from you on this situation...

 

Sweets

[bluechocolate]

It sounds like it went OK really. Like I said in my first post, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on what went on between him & Jane. I think that some honesty can take a while to come out in any relationship & its a real possibility that down the road he may talk more about that - but when you first start going out with someone new talking about how your relationship with your ex was real bad & you cheated on her....well it doesn't really impress much, does it?

 

but I guess it will be up to me to see if I want to risk getting burned again.

 

That's a risk you're going to take with anyone.

 

I will talk to him about this more on Sunday but I just don't know what I am looking for.

 

then tell him this....

 

I don't want to just end things prematurely with him ...but I also don't want to be a sucker. My last boyfriend (3 yrs ago) cheated on me and I'm just so angry about being lied to about things....

 

and leave it at that.

[Sweets1919]

My current bf and my ex and I (and Jane) are all from the same town so my current bf knows of my ex and he knows that I wasn't treated well. A month or so ago I was upset (crying ....i think about being scared of being hurt etc) and I was with current bf and he asked me "who hurt you?" and I said "what do you mean" and he said "someone has hurt you to make you feel like this....who was it" and i told him it was "Cam" (my ex). So my bf does know that I have been hurt and that I'm scared.

 

Last night on the phone he sounded concerned and called when he got to his house (when we texted and talked he was in a pub bathroom in order to call me) to see if I was ok. He said he didn't want me to cry because he wasn't here with me to hold me and comfort me. He seemed sincere.

 

Thanks for all your advice and great perspective.

 

Sweets