Lenna Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Hi, This seems to be quite a common problem...about porn. Just the thought of it makes me feel really sick and down, i just wondered if anyone has any ideas on how to get over this problem? The following problem, lol.... Ive been with my partner for a long time now and ive always known that he used to look at porn and also that he stopped just before we got together. In the beginning, I had no problem with him looking at porn because I knew he didnt do it anymore and didnt want to do it anymore and I didnt think twice about it. But over time, im talking about a year it just really bothers me to think that he looked at it and was turned on by it etc. I just really cant stand the thought! Now this is really affecting our lives. I cant even watch films that arent animated because I go down because of the women in it, lol. And walking down the street together is also hard... Just the thoughts, that he gets turned on by other women or likes looking at them really gets to me. It used to happen, so why doesnt it still? By much more attractive women than me, there are more of them around esp on tv. I do have self esteem and insecurity issues yes, a rational part of me can tell when somebody is more attractive than me and that was the part that said the last sentence. Have any of you had a similar problem and gotten over it? Im also interested in hearing youre answers, any of you, to this question... do you think you can find somebody pretty but not be attracted to them sexually? Thanks for reading Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Sexual attraction is part of our biology. We are animals and as such are designed to reproduce. So our bodies respond to attractiveness in others. Now, if you want to equate love (something of the heart and mind, which requires thought and action) with desire (which is a response of our bodies like hunger or thirst), go ahead but it's not logical. There are guys who I've had physical attractions to that I absolutely would not spend time with. Getting turned on by porn or by real people has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Sadly, a lot of women seem completely unable to understand this. Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Lenna..........he never stopped looking at porn! Men look at porn and it is natural with in moderation. Think of it this way ok................would you rather him being out there cheating on you? For men looking at porn it stimulates them. There are books on this out there so that maybe you could get a better understanding of it. I think there is bad and good porn out there. It does not have to be all bad. I think it is ok for a man to look at porn. Sex is great and men love sex just as women do. Why not join him? Have some fun with it. Find out why you so closed up in regards to this. Did you have a bad experience? There is no reason to be jealous of a man that looks at porn. You could be the most gorgeous woman on earth and he still will look at porn! Maybe work on your self esteem a little:-). Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lenna Posted July 29, 2004 Author Share Posted July 29, 2004 moimeme: I can see that is logical and I really wish that point of view was firmly imprinted in my brain, lol. It would solve my problem. There is a part of me that says that desire is linked into love,though. Because some men cannot find women attractive physically if they are horrible people. So, in this case love and desire would mix wouldn't they? Also, to find somebody desirable, you would surely have to think about it? which would be linked into the mind/thoughts and does that not have to do with love? Btw, im just asking these questions to try and sort things out in my head more and not to devalue your point of view. beautiful: Thanks for the good luck. I never thought of looking up books about it, ill give it a try. I do believe he still doesnt look at porn, though. He says he doesnt and i trust what he says. I wouldnt have said I do have a problem with porn, in the way that im closed up to it because if I didnt have such a huge jealousy problem then I wouldnt mind the idea that my bf used to watch it. Any ideas on how to work on my self esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 If your boyfriend did look at porn, and still does, that is his own business. He has a right to do so. If your boyfriend looks at porn, it does not mean that he does not find you attractive, or that he wants you less. It does not mean that he does not love you. There are obviously a lot of self-image and self-esteem issues here. Perhaps you should look into bettering your self-image and self-esteem, before reading books on how to deal with pornography. Pornography is not the issue here. You mentioned that you cannot even watch other women in movies, as it makes you insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 Because some men cannot find women attractive physically if they are horrible people. When a man is looking at a picture of a naked woman, he doesn't care about her personality. He knows nothing about her except that she has breasts and a groin that he can see. Also, to find somebody desirable, you would surely have to think about it? which would be linked into the mind/thoughts and does that not have to do with love? Um. No. There are plenty of things that are linked with the mind and thoughts and not love. You can think about Rush Limbaugh and not love him. You can think of your dog and not desire him. You can think of a car and not want to hump it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lenna Posted July 30, 2004 Author Share Posted July 30, 2004 Faux: That's true yes. Thatll be something im going to keep reminding myself of. What you just said really helped. Thankyou Moimeme: See what you mean. So, it is a biological thing when a man looks at a naked woman, or wants to look at one and does not have to be a mental one. Love is to do with mental and the reason why men find the person theyre in love with attractive physically is because of this biological instinct. The majority of men anyway. I still think that desire is partly a mental thing though. I just have this feeling that its partly mental, guess ill have to think about it more. Anyone else have any thoughts on this? Thanks for your help, moimeme. Link to post Share on other sites
flash Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 i dont agree with yor boyfriend looking att porn as it tore our relationship apart, it was the same every nite i went to bed and he wouldnt as he would sit and down load porn and it ruined our relationship. but if its something you do together then thats differant ,well i say that but ithink it aint right full stop . just my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly_Queen Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 Anytime something bothers someone in a relationship and they ask the other person to stop, and they don't, its a disrespect to the person as an individual and to the relationship as a whole. Its as if they will continue to do what they want no matter what the other person says or feels. Link to post Share on other sites
flash Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 i agree .i had asked him so many times and even when he said he wasnt doing it he was thats when you have ot to put youre foot down and say enuff is enuff, Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 I just have this feeling that its partly mental, With all due respect, 'just have this feeling' is no reason to believe something. Anytime something bothers someone in a relationship and they ask the other person to stop, and they don't, its a disrespect to the person as an individual and to the relationship as a whole No. Relationships are not about ordering people around. You negotiate with people, particularly if you are asking them to change themselves for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly_Queen Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Thats right its not about ordering people around. Its about telling someone how you feel, communication to the other as to what is bothering them. The person that continually disrepects another that they supposedy love, they have no communication, oh wait yes they do they communicate with what it is they are looking at on the screen. Lenna, reguardless of the advice you get here, no matter what others say, when it comes down to it, you will have to do what you feel is best for your relationship, and you. If it bothers you and he continues to do it, you either stay in the situation and let it go on the way that it has been or you move on. I think you should deffintley talk to someone like a counselor that maybe can shed some light for you. Sometimes in realtionships we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love, and if he is not willing to respect your wishes, then at least respect your own self and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 It is not about disrespect. It is about reasonable versus unreasonable demands. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly_Queen Posted July 31, 2004 Share Posted July 31, 2004 Ok, np, We can agree to disagree on how we see this. Everyone feels differently about things, so thats ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Cacophony Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 i get the porn attraction, and im female! if its obsessive, your partner is mortified, sex ends...these issues need to be worked out, as there are problems. my BF is into porn, always has been. my ex was. i dont believe ive ever been involved with a man that wasnt. hmmmm. huge industry. go figure. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 3, 2004 Share Posted August 3, 2004 In the beginning, I had no problem with him looking at porn because I knew he didnt do it anymore and didnt want to do it anymore and I didnt think twice about it. But over time, im talking about a year it just really bothers me to think that he looked at it and was turned on by it etc. That's kind of an odd statement....you had no problem with him looking at porn because he didn't do it? If you mean prior to the relationship, that's almost akin to getting mad about sexual history. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetey147 Posted August 5, 2004 Share Posted August 5, 2004 ok....I think this might have something to do with insecurity or your low self esteem, which you can work on that if you really want to! I am very happy with my looks, body, personality etc....Let me tell you, from past relationship and I do recall Paris Hilton saying this also (WHICH IS VERY TRUE) and just from watching people and having alot of guy friends....CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF is the most sexiest thing to a guy or most guys i know, knowing you are sexy no matter how ugly, pretty, big, ro small you are is a definate turn on I happen to watch porn with my boyfriend and he loves it! Link to post Share on other sites
Rentz Posted August 6, 2004 Share Posted August 6, 2004 I think the deeper issue here is that men and women are socialized differently. Women are taught to be in tune with other people's emotions and express their emotions, to be caring, nurturing, considerate. Men on the other hand are taught to be independent, assertive, autonomous. The point is women are given more tools in their upbringing for dealing with relationships. Men are at a disadvantage in that regard because we have a hard time even knowing what we're feeling. That's why we seem insensitive or out of touch. Another critical difference in upbringing is that women are discouraged from expressing themselves sexually. They are encouraged to be modest, demure, and chaste. Men are encouraged to be sexual and to explore that more. Men become more easily stimulated by images than women who are stimulated by words and their imagination more. These are just a few examples so you get the point. Studies show that girls are held longer and spoken to more often since the time they're babies. If you can imagine a whole lifetime of that kind of socialization you can understand its power over people's behavior. These differences I believe are not inherent from birth. They are the effects of societies different demands on each sex. AND they cause a lot of problems in relationships. This is related to your current problem. If you have an otherwise loving and healthy relationship, the porn has nothing to do with your self-worth or his feelings for you. It is sensory stimulation. Even if he weren't with you he would do it most likely. You just need to let him know how you feel, what your insecurities are, how they are debilitating you. The worst thing you can do is forbid him from doing it because he will start feeling controlled and want to do it to rebel against a limitation on his free will. You need to talk to him openly without fear, without being defensive or accusatory. You need to also work on you self-image and establish more intimacy with him so that you don't feel so threatened by mere images. I know it's hard for women because there is so much pressure on you to look good...and that's not fair. That is what I'm talking about...we need to stop raising boys and girls differently so that we don't run into these stupid problems in our society. I think that you have gotten some really good advice from some of the people here. Read books on men and women. I am not talking about pop psychology. I am talking about real psych done by academics who conduct good research. You'll find out that men have issues too. Lots! We are suffering as well. Learn. Inform yourself. You'll be a happier healthier person for it. And maybe both of you can one day enjoy porn together because there are movies out there that are designed for couples that are not as male-centered. (although don't be fooled by the term "male-centered" since there are a lot of men that would not enjoy the sex that is portrayed on them, believe me). Link to post Share on other sites
Joce1983 Posted August 7, 2004 Share Posted August 7, 2004 my bf and i both used to look at porn at the start of our relationship but i also got very selfconsious about it, i talked to him about it and how i felt and we hadnt looked at it for a long time together and he said it wasnt important so he wouldnt do it . Until i found him down at his parents house getting excited over porn on the net. It wasnt the porn that hurt me , it was that he lied to do it. I think sometimes the thought of the men we love looking at other woman hurts ............noone wants to think they arnt good enough or pretty enough but i think ive realised one thing. Men look lol i figure if he looks atleast hes not out there doing the real thing. But if he did it behind my back again and i found out, id never forgive him. Link to post Share on other sites
magenta Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Hi, I also had a similar issue with my boyfriend a couple of days ago. He was looking at porn. I asked him to stop looking at porn. In my mind I thought- is it really worth it to him to look at porn if it hurts me? When he realized that I was very serious, he said he wouldn't look at it anymore. I believed him that he would not look at porn for me... I think it would have at least lasted awhile. But I realized it was perhaps unfair of me to ask him not to- so I told him it was okay with me, that I would not be mad. I think the most important thing is that people are honest in their relationships and do not hide things from one another. I think you are lucky that your boyfriend is not hiding the fact that he enjoys looking at porn. When people hide things it is a cause for concern. How to compromise the situation? What worked for me was to talk to my boyfriend about why it bothered me- to let him understand my side and to try to understand his side. The issue was really that it made me feel insecure. Talking to him made me feel less insecure. It is important to take one anothers feelings into account. If he wont even consider your feelings, you may want to seek counseling with him, or consider finding someone who values your feelings more.I think it is also important to take his feelings into account. Understanding and compromise will pull you out of this predicament. One way or another you both need to feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
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