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My boyfriend wants to stay friend with his ex eventhough he knows I am not happy

lostsomeone

By lostsomeone
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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lostsomeone Member

lostsomeone

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Please help me as I do really love my boyfriend.

we are together for almost 2 month and before that we were best friends that we were telling each other almost everything.

his ex broke up with him around 8 month ago and he was always asking me for help only to listen to him.

He is such a nice guy as he promised to his ex he would take care of her until end of 2012 because both are studying abroad and she needed financial support.

anyway we got to know each other and decided to stay together. I was not sure about him to move in in m place but suddenly he said he is going to give his place to his ex as she is looking for a place and he can move in with me. so we did and she is right across the street heheh.

 

The problem is they wont stop chatting and talking. he says she is kinda a family to him and same for her.

So I did a really bad move and few days back I checked his phone noticed that he is going to meet up with her in her place to show her how things work in the house, he promised he would tell me everything.

 

So next morning i didnt go to work waiting outside to see where he is going. After 2 hours texted me that HIS EX ASKED HIM to show her things in the house.

 

So I couldn't take it and went back home told him everything. he started explaining and saying how sorry he is and how much he loves me and he wants this relationship works.

So he said he is going to asked her to give us space and only contact if its urgent and that's the second time he is telling me he asked her such a thing.

but again last night I noticed they are chatting about everything like how upset she is because of bla bla bla and she needs money bal bla bla .....

 

I saw in his skype that she asked him what if your girlfriend ask you to stop being friend with me?

and he replied that is not a option for me!

then she replied dont tell her like that .....!!!

 

I cant take it:( maybe I am being unreasonable. Maybe I am jealous.

I am going to talk to him by weekend and telling him what if he had to choose between our relationship and his friendship which one he would choose?

I am gonna wait for his respond :/

what do you ppl think:(

Please help i am at work and still cant concentrate.

One more thing I forgot we kinda rush into this relationship bcz right after we decide to be together we moved in :/

he says he didnt rush into this relationship and thought through the whole thing but did he?

first month I was sooooo happpy, but now with all things happening with his ex! I am not so sure :(

I noticed he paid for her air time and also he is paying half of the rental for his place and the other half she pays.

Oh ya after being with him less than 3 weeks he said its his ex birthday and we need to go out dinner with her.

So he got her a chocolate and a book and we went for dinner.

But she wasn't happy i was there as i read the msg that she told him oh I thought its only you and me so i didnt get her anything for christmas.

 

So when we finished dinner after 30 minutes my friend called me to fetch him so i suggested him lets go and fetch him he said no he would stay here with her and later after I fetch a friend I he will join me :( that was the start up of me being a bit jealous and getting worried :(

GSB81 Established Member

GSB81

Posted
Posted

You'll never have a serious, emotionally equal relationship with this guy until he cuts his ex loose. Which he says isn't an option. Meanwhile, he's living with you rent free so he can pay half of her rent. You are being used. I'll wager that if you give him that ultimatum, he will choose her.

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lostsomeone Member

lostsomeone

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You'll never have a serious, emotionally equal relationship with this guy until he cuts his ex loose. Which he says isn't an option. Meanwhile, he's living with you rent free so he can pay half of her rent. You are being used. I'll wager that if you give him that ultimatum, he will choose her.

Ya I think I know who would choose :( as he said is not an option.

Again I should go through whole break up thing which is not easy for me at all. One more thing is he has no place to stay how am I suppose to break up ? :(

GSB81 Established Member

GSB81

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Ya I think I know who would choose :( as he said is not an option.

Again I should go through whole break up thing which is not easy for me at all. One more thing is he has no place to stay how am I suppose to break up ? :(

 

 

Sure he has a place to stay! He can stay with his best friend the ex. If he says he can't, laugh at him. I mean surely his good friend will take him in since she's part of the reason he's having to move out. That's what friends are for!

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lostsomeone Member

lostsomeone

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That shouldn't be your problem.

this is true is not my problem. But he was a good friend to me :/ and I cant do this to my friend :(

I was thinking of telling him he can stay here until he found somewhere, I have two rooms anyway

And one more thing how to end up this? How am I suppose to say I cant take this and I need to break up?

GSB81 Established Member

GSB81

Posted
Posted
this is true is not my problem. But he was a good friend to me :/ and I cant do this to my friend :(

I was thinking of telling him he can stay here until he found somewhere, I have two rooms anyway

And one more thing how to end up this? How am I suppose to say I cant take this and I need to break up?

 

 

Tell him exactly that. "I can't take this and I need to break up. Get to packing, jerkface."

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lostsomeone Member

lostsomeone

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Tell him exactly that. "I can't take this and I need to break up. Get to packing, jerkface."

eh dont say like this :( who knows maybe I am wrong, maybe when i tell him he decides to end thing with his ex.....

I cant believe bcz you have no idea how good he is. he really likes helping people. he would do almost everything for his friends and family....

GSB81 Established Member

GSB81

Posted
Posted
eh dont say like this :( who knows maybe I am wrong, maybe when i tell him he decides to end thing with his ex.....

I cant believe bcz you have no idea how good he is. he really likes helping people. he would do almost everything for his friends and family....

 

 

I'm sure he's an awesome friend, but it sounds like he's not an awesome boyfriend, until you break up with him. Hey, Valentines Day is coming up. Maybe the three of you can go out for a romantic dinner together. I mean it's gonna be hard on her being alone on lovers day and he will probably want to help her out. Maybe get her some chocolates. Yeah, I just went in an ugly direction. You are starting to rationalize his behavior.

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lostsomeone Member

lostsomeone

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I'm sure he's an awesome friend, but it sounds like he's not an awesome boyfriend, until you break up with him. Hey, Valentines Day is coming up. Maybe the three of you can go out for a romantic dinner together. I mean it's gonna be hard on her being alone on lovers day and he will probably want to help her out. Maybe get her some chocolates. Yeah, I just went in an ugly direction. You are starting to rationalize his behavior.

:( Damn... you are right... what if really this happen, that for sure will hurt me to death :(

Thank you

I would talk to him this Friday

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lostsomeone Member

lostsomeone

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:( Damn... you are right... what if really this happen, that for sure will hurt me to death :(

Thank you

I would talk to him this Friday

so yesterday I told him we need to talk

Then before I start he said I know what is going on!

I said what?

he said you want me to stop being friend to my ex and cut contact completely right?

Then I said yes but you dont need to lie to me if you dont want. He said I value my relationship with you and I would do it if you want me to.

Then I said yes I want u to stop contacting her.

Then he said fine, I will do that and I will ask her to move out from my place.

I said but why? he said bcz you want me to stop contacting and I dont want bcz of the rental and anything regarding the house we contact again!

Then he said but you have to give me 2 weeks I will ask her as soon as I get everything ready.

and I said fine and thank you.

But I feel he is not really happy about this or maybe he is tired bcz of the two projects that he is doing, I cant tell.

SO I will wait to see what is he going to do :)

what do you think?

Nightsky Established Member

Nightsky

Posted
Posted

ummm yeah this is all very lame. you should break up with him if he doesn't stop talking to her.

 

You're setting yourself up for a relationship with no boundaries. I mean he's talking to the girl he used to date and that HE got dumped by... and going over to her place... to show her how stuff works.........................

 

 

Tell me are you hot? Do you live in FL because your bf probably wouldn't mind me and you hanging out right? I mean sounds like you're in an open relationship

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lostsomeone Member

lostsomeone

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ummm yeah this is all very lame. you should break up with him if he doesn't stop talking to her.

 

You're setting yourself up for a relationship with no boundaries. I mean he's talking to the girl he used to date and that HE got dumped by... and going over to her place... to show her how stuff works.........................

 

 

Tell me are you hot? Do you live in FL because your bf probably wouldn't mind me and you hanging out right? I mean sounds like you're in an open relationship

But I talked to him and he said he would do it.

He will stop all contacts.

He was the one who was talking about commitment ... I doubt I am in open relationship ! hehe

Ill wait for a while as he said he would that for me....

But i wont wait forever...

Nightsky Established Member

Nightsky

Posted
Posted
But I talked to him and he said he would do it.

He will stop all contacts.

He was the one who was talking about commitment ... I doubt I am in open relationship ! hehe

Ill wait for a while as he said he would that for me....

But i wont wait forever...

 

well I didn't read that part. He shouldn't sound so troubled about cutting contact.

silvermercy Established Member

silvermercy

Posted
Posted (edited)

His response after telling you he will cut off contact sounds very lukewarm to me.

Even before that his strange behaviour (paying her half the rent, giving her chocolate, visiting her at her new house, her expecting a private dinner aka DATE) points to AT LEAST emotional cheating... Sorry... Also, I'm pretty sure there were more strange signs that you simply missed.

 

Yes, you DID rush into a relationship. In addition, 8 months is also not a long time to get over an ex. He hasn't. It's clear as day.

 

Now I'm only curious as to why he thought he knew where your talk was going before you told him. Is there any possibility he can track your traces on the web to see these posts? Did you leave your computer open? Was your history/cookies visible or non-erased?

 

Anyway, unless he cuts all contact and I MEAN 100% NO CONTACT and this is 100% PROVEN then I don't see this going nowhere. Again more strange behaviour... This was VERY sudden to tell you this obviously. Why? What made him change his mind so fast? Remember he's just not over her yet. Wisening up and doing the right things does not mean he's over her. It's too FAST for him!

 

These kind of exes and these kind of men usually find a way to reignite contact even years later. Do you want to live a life where you have to snoop around or place ultimatums on him? That's not how relationships work. Good and long-lasting ones at least.

 

Good luck! You'll need it.

Edited by silvermercy
Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
Posted

Look, i really do not think he is seriously in love with you; otherwise, he would have gotten his ex out his mind..

 

I am sure he really, really likes you; he likes to spend every day with you, after all..... so do not get offended when I tell you that I doubt he actually, truly loves you.

 

8 months is WAY too long to still hold out that level of ..concern, about his ex.

After 8 months, you should be close enough to be each others world pretty much, and to not have any other member of the opposite sex who he cares that much about..

 

He sounds like he cares about his ex as much (or more) than he cares about you.

 

He is being a jerk; can't be with his ex, but is not totally in love with you either.. he is probably not in love with either of you, which is why he cannot choose between the two of you....

 

I just have a view on love; if someone loves you, really loves you, they would choose you hands down...

 

 

....

 

This relationship has no future in my opinion, but there is no need to break up this instant! Take some time to think about things, and get yourself ready for it.

 

Tell your family or friends or both; get people ready to support you, so when you do break up, you will have people willing to listen to you, and look after you.

 

.....................

 

8 months is long enough to get really attached to someone, so I am sure this is a very hard decision, and I am also sure that you are not entirely sure you can go through with it.

 

Just know that: if a guy is really in love with you, in the way you deserve, he will not act that way towards an ex...

 

Trust me; he cares too much about her. She is supposed to be an ex.

 

Exes can not be friends, normally.

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lostsomeone Member

lostsomeone

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His response after telling you he will cut off contact sounds very lukewarm to me.

Even before that his strange behaviour (paying her half the rent, giving her chocolate, visiting her at her new house, her expecting a private dinner aka DATE) points to AT LEAST emotional cheating... Sorry... Also, I'm pretty sure there were more strange signs that you simply missed.

 

Yes, you DID rush into a relationship. In addition, 8 months is also not a long time to get over an ex. He hasn't. It's clear as day.

 

Now I'm only curious as to why he thought he knew where your talk was going before you told him. Is there any possibility he can track your traces on the web to see these posts? Did you leave your computer open? Was your history/cookies visible or non-erased?

 

Anyway, unless he cuts all contact and I MEAN 100% NO CONTACT and this is 100% PROVEN then I don't see this going nowhere. Again more strange behaviour... This was VERY sudden to tell you this obviously. Why? What made him change his mind so fast? Remember he's just not over her yet. Wisening up and doing the right things does not mean he's over her. It's too FAST for him!

 

These kind of exes and these kind of men usually find a way to reignite contact even years later. Do you want to live a life where you have to snoop around or place ultimatums on him? That's not how relationships work. Good and long-lasting ones at least.

 

Good luck! You'll need it.

there are possibilities he might have seen my posts!

bcz I never shut down my laptop or I dont pt password and when I am sleeping I am dead :D

I am totally understand what you mean and wht you are trying to say.

I am actually just being patient.

I have noticed he has not been online on skype the whole day and havent heard a single text from her !

that is weird.... it seems he already warn her ....

I love him enough to be more patient to see what would he do !

at the same time I dont want to control anyone, and I dont want him to hide things...

if he sees my posts he knows I do need help... he knows I ask strangers only when I realllllyyy stuck and I cant make my mind.

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