donniedarko711 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Ok, so I've been dating my girlfriend now for nearly six months. I must say that in the beginning I was blown away by how attractive she was and interesting she seemed to me. She seemed serious, reserved, and carried herself with a lot of class. We work together and it almost felt like love at first sight with her. At any rate, we began to talk and she began to describe how she had recently been divorced and how her husband had an affair on her with her sister and that she was devastated. Naturally, this huge news set the tone of what I thought of her and her past relationship. I thought she had been a victim of being in a relationship with a psychopath and I didn't understand how a person could have a child with someone and in the very same house be sleeping with the sister of his wife with her knowing it! Everything seemed to crazy and I always felt and enormous protective sentiment towards my girlfriend and everything she had to endure. To make a long story short, I often expressed my disdain for her ex spouse and didn't understand all the concessions that she made so that her child could be with her father. It became incomprehensible to me that she would want her son to even be around somone that could be that cold, that neglected the child his whole life. Well, one day as our argument over the subject got more and more heated she tells me that she feels that she needs to tell me something. This is five months into the relationship... She blurts out "I had an affair". I froze. I could not believe what I was hearing. Physiologically speaking I felt my whole body change. It was crazy... I wanted to cry so hard... I couldn't believe what I was hearing... I got up and walked away and when I came to she said that nothing physical ever happened and that she just had "a man tell her nice things." I quickly recovered when she said this and I vehemently asked her not to lie to me and tell me the truth if she had slept with the guy and she said she hadn't. I was so relieved, but I must admit that even this idea bothered me some. Something didn't feel right. As the days went on I let it go and I tried not to obsess about it. She repeated that it was her past and that it didn't have anything to do with us or with me. I obviously understood that, but still something wasn't feeling right. A couple of weeks passed and I started going to psycho therapy to work on feelings of insecurity and jealousy and what I felt were these irrational feelings. A month went by and I was feeling much better with my therapy and when My girlfriend and I decide to take a day off from work to spend a day together at the beach. She had been very moody and had been very irrational crying, saying that for some reason she felt guilty for her what she did. I asked nicely and patiently to point out to her that she did nothing. Although her ex spouse thought she had had an affair, I told her that it wasn't true and that she shouldn't worry about it. I encouraged her to speak with her ex spouse if she felt so bad and let him know that she had never had an affair. She had told me that when he confronted her about her having an affair that she just let him believe that she had had one. I told her maybe she should come clean and get it off her chest that she really never did anything. She continued to cry and I just didn't understand... I asked what was it that made her feel so guilty?? She replied with tears in her eyes, but in a jovial manner that she didn't want to say anything for fear of incriminating herself. I thought she was just being cute and didn't want to say something. At any rate, I walked her to her car and when again tears came to her eyes, I asked again, what is hurting you so much inside? How can I help you? She turned and told me that what had happened at the end of her marriage when she spoke to this guy had happened 4 years into her marriage when she had an 11 month old baby. I naively asked what? You talked to another man? She replied that yes, and when I said did anything happen with him? She just remained quite. I felt again sweeping emotion flow through me but I asked to be sure, you went all the way and she gave me a serious look without answering. I asked how long had it gone on and she mentioned 3 or 4 weeks or something like that. I asked her if it was with someone of consequence for her and she replied no and I asked if it was someone of consequence for her husband and she said no. I was sick to my stomach. She shortly left because she had to go and later called me and told me that she felt so much better about telling me and about revealing the truth. I told that I couldn't say much right now, but that I might have more questions later and she told me that she would answer anything that I wanted.... The whole purpose of me writing all this is that I now cannot stop obsessing about everything that happened. I want to know all the details. It makes me so sick, I just don't know if I'm entitled since it wasn't even with me! Further, i don't know if I can handle the details, but I feel like I'm with a completely different person. I defended her always and had never, for one second, ever thought that she had done anything and I always thought that she was very morally sound and had tons of integrity and loyalty. I want to know who this man was that got her into bed in 3 weeks! Had her cheat on her husband with an 11 month old baby in the house! How does this happened?!? How??? I want to know where they met, if she gave him oral sex, if she enjoyed the sex, if she enjoyed it and what point she felt remorse... Do I have the right to ask any of this? Wasn't I mislead? Didn't she lie to me?
William Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Thread starter, if you have any new poster's remorse, you get one chance for a moderator edit to redact any personally identifiable information. I mention this due to the sensitive nature of the information shared. Once the thread has responses, other than mine, it's here forever. Welcome to LS.
nofool4u Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 The whole purpose of me writing all this is that I now cannot stop obsessing about everything that happened. I want to know all the details. It makes me so sick, I just don't know if I'm entitled since it wasn't even with me! I wouldn't be with a woman that cheated whether it was on me or not. You have to decide, do you deserve better than a cheater, or not. 1
Author donniedarko711 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 I know... I would agree, but I really like this girl and had I known this from the begining before I fell in love would be one thing.. But now, I'm kind of hooked...
scatterd Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I would consider having her go to counseling. I don't think it is a bad idea for you both to go also. I would try to get help for her, so it does not happen again with you. That is a horrible pain to endure.
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I know... I would agree, No.... you DO agree.... but I really like this girl and had I known this from the begining before I fell in love would be one thing.. But now, I'm kind of hooked... On what? On someone you know is a liar and a cheater? On the idea of being in love? On being in a relationship? On *insert masochistic tendency here*....? What could you possibly be hooked on, that is stronger than your own common sense and will-power....? 2
Author donniedarko711 Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 I'm hooked because It had been three years that I had been with someone. That I felt excited about seeing a person and feeling all the incredible things that love can make you feel. Innocently, once again, I thought this girl was the perfect girl. A girl that had been in an abusive relationship (which she probably was) and that I was her way out of that crap life she had un until then. Tara, you wouldn't even entertain this? Should I even explore the infidelity more for details? How many times? Why? etc....
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I'm hooked because It had been three years that I had been with someone. That I felt excited about seeing a person and feeling all the incredible things that love can make you feel. Innocently, once again, I thought this girl was the perfect girl. A girl that had been in an abusive relationship (which she probably was) and that I was her way out of that crap life she had un until then. you can't 'fix' people. People can only 'fix' themselves. the person who makes efforts to maintain a relationship, on the basis that the other person has been abused, and that therefore 'needs' them - is in it for the wrong reasons.... Tara, you wouldn't even entertain this? Should I even explore the infidelity more for details? How many times? Why? etc.... Why?? What purpose would it serve? How constructive would it be? How much 'better' would it make you feel? What 'repair' would it effect....? It would just add more salt-detail to rub into your broken-heart wound... there's no point in knowing the details. details-schmetails - it happened. that's sufficient unto the day, the crap thereof. If the manure pile is high and steamy - don't add more. it just makes it stink longer.... 1
karnak Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 you can't 'fix' people. People can only 'fix' themselves. the person who makes efforts to maintain a relationship, on the basis that the other person has been abused, and that therefore 'needs' them - is in it for the wrong reasons.... I learned this the very hard way.
Author donniedarko711 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I guess I didn't explain myself with clarity when I last spoke. I didn't mean that I wanted to fix her. I really didn't. What I meant to convey was that she had been in a horrible relationship and I have been alone for so long that I thought it was a perfect symbiosis of sorts. I thought that for once, destiny had put something nice my way... Something nice for the both of us that the joy of being together would have been part of the healing process. I don't know if I make any sense.. I really appreciate everyones comments and feedback.
nofool4u Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I know... I would agree, but I really like this girl and had I known this from the begining before I fell in love would be one thing.. But now, I'm kind of hooked... I think you are in love with superficial things. Her looks, sex, whatever. Because there is nothing about her character that is to love. Don't let the little head do the thinking for the big one. This girl isn't worth your time, or anyone elses.
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