I cheated - what now? Do I tell him?

[calisun]

Okay, save the judgement - I know, I'm a stupid, terrible whore. I just don't have anyone to go to so I need some advice.

 

My boyfriend (21) and I (19) have been together about a year and a half now. Our relationship was perfect in the beginning - until I had to transfer universities and we entered a long distance relationship (3 hour drive).

 

Don't get me wrong, we really love each other. We've been pretty serious about our relationship from the get-go, seeing as we both waited until the right person came along to really date. But the distance was incredibly difficult on me, and because of that we had a couple months where we often fought (mostly on my end because I sometimes felt neglected and in need of affection and reassurance, my boyfriend is much more independent than I am).

 

We always worked things out, because we never want to give up on each other...but one week was especially rough. I was generally used to just brushing away guys in general at school, but I met this guy in class who was particularly nice and seemed to be of good intentions. We got along right away, and at the end of class he asked me if we wanted to finish up our conversation over coffee sometime soon. I (if naively) agreed, and a couple of weeks later he invited me to go bowling with him and some friends.

 

The night was great, but I wasn't stupid and knew he wanted something out of me (he tried holding my hand, leaning in for a kiss, but I resisted). I also really enjoyed his company as a friend, but realized that that was probably something he wouldn't want from me.

 

Soon we started seeing each other in class more often, and before I knew it, he asked me to hang out again. This time, we went to the pool and he grabbed me and kissed me. I kissed him back and we ended up making out. I knew I was doing something wrong but I was also entranced by the new thrill and passion that I hadn't felt in a long time with my boyfriend. I sent him home, but before you know it, we were hanging out again the next week - and we ended up kissing and making out again, in his bed.

 

I feel absolutely terrible about what happened, not only because I cheated on my boyfriend, but because I also played a guy who I'm pretty sure has solid feelings for me. Now that it's happened, I've realized that I've always known that my boyfriend is the one I love and I've limited contact with the other guy. My boyfriend and the other guy don't know each other at all and live in difference cities, so they'd never run into each other or find out. I also haven't told a soul my encounter with the other guy (though I told my boyfriend I had hung out with a guy from class that night).

 

I know that I could very easily keep this as my own secret, but a part of me feels extremely guilty from hiding this from my boyfriend. I know he trusts me completely and I hate that I have a piece of me that he doesn't know, not to mention hurting him. But he's also told me before, "If you cheat, you know we're over, no exceptions." and if I come clean I'm afraid I'm going to lose him forever. I don't know which I should do. Help!

Edited July 7, 2012 by calisun

[somedude81]

Break up with him.

 

Actually, tell him first, and apologize only if you mean it.

 

If you did love your BF, you'd tell him the truth and let him decide what to do. Yes your relationship may end, but that is something you already knew before you decided to cheat, am I right?

[Cold_Hard_Truth]

First of all, I would like to thank you for not using that horrific cliche, "Everyone makes mistakes." I hate when cheaters use that as a way to justify their actions so kudos to you for not being one of them.

 

I'm just going to be honest with you because you deserve it, as does your boyfriend. YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM. It would be so incredibly selfish if you kept this from him. He has the right to know and by not telling him, you're not only cheating on him but also lying to him by omission. Your relationship is now built upon a colossal lie and it's your responsibility to fix it. I know it's going to be hard but it has to be done. To keep this secret from him would be extremely cruel. I really hope you do the right thing. Let him make the decision as to whether or not he wants to stay with you. Please, don't steal his life away from him by allowing yourself to continue this relationship under false pretenses. Redeem yourself, even if it costs you the relationship. I wish you the best.

[nessaaa]

He's most likely doing the same behind your back. You feel neglected for a reason, if he's makin u feel that way.. Find someone closer who will give u the attention you want. Don't feel bad, have him and a guy on the side... You're young. Don't tell him if you don't want to lose him. If he was giving you what u needed, you wouldn't have given that other guy the time of day...you're not completely happy with your bf.

 

Don't feel bad..see other guys on the side

Okay, save the judgement - I know, I'm a stupid, terrible whore. I just don't have anyone to go to so I need some advice.

 

My boyfriend (21) and I (19) have been together about a year and a half now. Our relationship was perfect in the beginning - until I had to transfer universities and we entered a long distance relationship (3 hour drive).

 

Don't get me wrong, we really love each other. We've been pretty serious about our relationship from the get-go, seeing as we both waited until the right person came along to really date. But the distance was incredibly difficult on me, and because of that we had a couple months where we often fought (mostly on my end because I sometimes felt neglected and in need of affection and reassurance, my boyfriend is much more independent than I am).

 

We always worked things out, because we never want to give up on each other...but one week was especially rough. I was generally used to just brushing away guys in general at school, but I met this guy in class who was particularly nice and seemed to be of good intentions. We got along right away, and at the end of class he asked me if we wanted to finish up our conversation over coffee sometime soon. I (if naively) agreed, and a couple of weeks later he invited me to go bowling with him and some friends.

 

The night was great, but I wasn't stupid and knew he wanted something out of me (he tried holding my hand, leaning in for a kiss, but I resisted). I also really enjoyed his company as a friend, but realized that that was probably something he wouldn't want from me.

 

Soon we started seeing each other in class more often, and before I knew it, he asked me to hang out again. This time, we went to the pool and he grabbed me and kissed me. I kissed him back and we ended up making out. I knew I was doing something wrong but I was also entranced by the new thrill and passion that I hadn't felt in a long time with my boyfriend. I sent him home, but before you know it, we were hanging out again the next week - and we ended up kissing and making out again, in his bed.

 

I feel absolutely terrible about what happened, not only because I cheated on my boyfriend, but because I also played a guy who I'm pretty sure has solid feelings for me. Now that it's happened, I've realized that I've always known that my boyfriend is the one I love and I've limited contact with the other guy. My boyfriend and the other guy don't know each other at all and live in difference cities, so they'd never run into each other or find out. I also haven't told a soul my encounter with the other guy (though I told my boyfriend I had hung out with a guy from class that night).

 

I know that I could very easily keep this as my own secret, but a part of me feels extremely guilty from hiding this from my boyfriend. I know he trusts me completely and I hate that I have a piece of me that he doesn't know, not to mention hurting him. But he's also told me before, "If you cheat, you know we're over, no exceptions." and if I come clean I'm afraid I'm going to lose him forever. I don't know which I should do. Help!

[nessaaa]

Don't listen to this.. You'll kick yourself in the ass in the long run.

Don't tell him you'll lose him. Be selfish, always put your feelings and needs first before anybodys.

 

 

First of all, I would like to thank you for not using that horrific cliche, "Everyone makes mistakes." I hate when cheaters use that as a way to justify their actions so kudos to you for not being one of them.

 

I'm just going to be honest with you because you deserve it, as does your boyfriend. YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM. It would be so incredibly selfish if you kept this from him. He has the right to know and by not telling him, you're not only cheating on him but also lying to him by omission. Your relationship is now built upon a colossal lie and it's your responsibility to fix it. I know it's going to be hard but it has to be done. To keep this secret from him would be extremely cruel. I really hope you do the right thing. Let him make the decision as to whether or not he wants to stay with you. Please, don't steal his life away from him by allowing yourself to continue this relationship under false pretenses. Redeem yourself, even if it costs you the relationship. I wish you the best.

Edited July 7, 2012 by nessaaa

[Cold_Hard_Truth]

Don't listen to this.. You'll kick yourself in the ass in the long run.

Don't tell him you'll lose him. Be selfish, always put your feelings and needs first before anybodys.

 

Now this my friends, is what we call a home wrecker. These kind of "people," if you want to even call them that, are repulsive, morally bankrupt, and very much inferior to you and me. I highly suggest steering clear of the advice given to you from this wicked and vile individual.

[Radu]

Okay, save the judgement - I know, I'm a stupid, terrible whore. I just don't have anyone to go to so I need some advice.

Victimising yourself is a defense mechanism.

 

My boyfriend (21) and I (19) have been together about a year and a half now. Our relationship was perfect in the beginning - until I had to transfer universities and we entered a long distance relationship (3 hour drive).

 

Don't get me wrong, we really love each other. We've been pretty serious about our relationship from the get-go, seeing as we both waited until the right person came along to really date. But the distance was incredibly difficult on me, and because of that we had a couple months where we often fought (mostly on my end because I sometimes felt neglected and in need of affection and reassurance, my boyfriend is much more independent than I am).

Sounds like you were insecure, unless he gave you reason for being insecure [cheating, lying dog of a bf ... kind of reason], then there is nothing he can do about this.

 

We always worked things out, because we never want to give up on each other...but one week was especially rough. I was generally used to just brushing away guys in general at school, but I met this guy in class who was particularly nice and seemed to be of good intentions. We got along right away, and at the end of class he asked me if we wanted to finish up our conversation over coffee sometime soon. I (if naively) agreed, and a couple of weeks later he invited me to go bowling with him and some friends.

There was nothing 'naive' about this, these guys didn't register with you when your relationship was sound so you didn't accept them.

It was a decision on your part, and the 'innocent' part was your rationalizing the guilt away.

 

See what i mean ?

 

Soon we started seeing each other in class more often, and before I knew it, he asked me to hang out again. This time, we went to the pool and he grabbed me and kissed me. I kissed him back and we ended up making out. I knew I was doing something wrong but I was also entranced by the new thrill and passion that I hadn't felt in a long time with my boyfriend. I sent him home, but before you know it, we were hanging out again the next week - and we ended up kissing and making out again, in his bed.

Now you admit you wanted it and accepted it.

 

I feel absolutely terrible about what happened, not only because I cheated on my boyfriend, but because I also played a guy who I'm pretty sure has solid feelings for me. Now that it's happened, I've realized that I've always known that my boyfriend is the one I love and I've limited contact with the other guy. My boyfriend and the other guy don't know each other at all and live in difference cities, so they'd never run into each other or find out. I also haven't told a soul my encounter with the other guy (though I told my boyfriend I had hung out with a guy from class that night).

I don't think you love your boyfriend.

 

I know that I could very easily keep this as my own secret, but a part of me feels extremely guilty from hiding this from my boyfriend. I know he trusts me completely and I hate that I have a piece of me that he doesn't know, not to mention hurting him. But he's also told me before, "If you cheat, you know we're over, no exceptions." and if I come clean I'm afraid I'm going to lose him forever. I don't know which I should do. Help!

This is your guilt speaking, you know you did something wrong and it's tearing you apart.

 

--------

 

It depends on what you want in life.

 

If you are ok with having tons of relationships, cheating, not caring who you screw ... etc, then don't tell and do what nessaaa said.

It's a slippery slope though, meaning that once you go down that road it's harder and harder to pull back and have a serious monogamous relationship of long term [marriage].

 

If your goal is a serious relationship, you need to tell.

Forget if he leaves or not, it doesn't matter in the long term and it might do you good for him to leave and leave you alone for a while [to get past that insecurity and need for male attention you have]. You need to tell him because you need to punish yourself.

You did the perfect crime [so to speak], and from now on it will just get easier and easier to do it.

You will gain experience in compartimentalizing it all [it's already visible in your analysis of damage control ... it was quite cold, detached].

In life we need repercusions for our actions, that's why we have prisons.

 

Let's assume you don't tell him, and you bottle it down.

Marriage is not roses, the love in it morphes [just ask a 70yr old woman who stayed married with the same man], it goes from butterflies in the stomach to a sort of familiar love, like your best friend in the whole world, who is related to you, who you get to bang for fun.

You are 19 now, at 30 there is the female sexual peak, what if at the same time it comes with some stress in your marriage and you have 2 kids.

You don't say anything, you expect him to read your mind, and because he doesn't, some guy starts looking appealing to you. Just because you have the band on your finger it doesn't mean that they won't approach. You will start to rationalize your actions and you will even resent your husband.

You cheat [again], he finds out, he may find out about this one too, then he thinks your entire relationship was a lie.

So now you robbed him of a choice in the matter [highly selfish] and you dragged 2 innocents in all of this [your children].

Or he might not find out and you might divorce, never knowing that you wasted 10yrs of his life, leaving him a wreck because you already had put the relationship behind you when you dropped the D bomb on him.

 

Do you want something like this to happen ?

I hope you have the strength to stay on these boards and read some of the breakup threads where families were torn apart by cheating spouses that cheated very early in a relationship as well but who never resolved the underlying issue [your insecurity and need to be validated].

I hope you see the devastation it caused.

[Plan 9 from OS]

To the OP: You do owe it to your BF to tell him what happened. As others have said in this thread, your relationship will suffer if both of you are not completely honest with each other. Without trust and communication, a relationship will not last in the long run. I'm not going to tell you the world is ending because you made out with a guy at your school because you can't handle a LDR. But at the same time, it would be a terrible move on your part to continue with the LDR and date around at your school at the same time. You need to choose either to commit 100% to your LDR or commit 100% to moving on and finding the right guy for you at your new school. Either decision is fine, but stick to your decision and don't play games. I say if this new guy you have been making out with is truly a nice guy and makes you happy, you should pursue it after dumping the BF.

 

But to the other people posting in this thread, let's put this into perspective here, shall we? The girl is 19 years old and is now in a long distance relationship. I think it is safe to say that a LDR at 19 is probably not the best situation to be in, and deep down she may simply not want to be in a LDR. Just because she made out with someone else - while being 19 and not married - it doesn't mean that she should wear the scarlet letter for adultury for the rest of her life. Honestly at 19 she probably shouldn't even be having a serious relationship right now anyways.

[GLDheart]

OK... Here goes.

 

You "forgot" about your boyfriend when you started a second relationship behind his back. So "forget" about him now and focus on you.

 

You made a bad choice. You do not like how it makes you feel. Carrying the weight of that hurts your soul. If you are honest with your boyfriend, your self respect will thank you. You will unload the weight of your actions. You will be able to move forward.

 

All of this is, of course, your choice. Best of luck to you.

[Chi townD]

Okay, save the judgement - I know, I'm a stupid, terrible whore. I just don't have anyone to go to so I need some advice.

 

My boyfriend (21) and I (19) have been together about a year and a half now. Our relationship was perfect in the beginning - until I had to transfer universities and we entered a long distance relationship (3 hour drive).

 

Don't get me wrong, we really love each other. We've been pretty serious about our relationship from the get-go, seeing as we both waited until the right person came along to really date. But the distance was incredibly difficult on me, and because of that we had a couple months where we often fought (mostly on my end because I sometimes felt neglected and in need of affection and reassurance, my boyfriend is much more independent than I am).

 

We always worked things out, because we never want to give up on each other...but one week was especially rough. I was generally used to just brushing away guys in general at school, but I met this guy in class who was particularly nice and seemed to be of good intentions. We got along right away, and at the end of class he asked me if we wanted to finish up our conversation over coffee sometime soon. I (if naively) agreed, and a couple of weeks later he invited me to go bowling with him and some friends.

 

The night was great, but I wasn't stupid and knew he wanted something out of me (he tried holding my hand, leaning in for a kiss, but I resisted). I also really enjoyed his company as a friend, but realized that that was probably something he wouldn't want from me.

 

Soon we started seeing each other in class more often, and before I knew it, he asked me to hang out again. This time, we went to the pool and he grabbed me and kissed me. I kissed him back and we ended up making out. I knew I was doing something wrong but I was also entranced by the new thrill and passion that I hadn't felt in a long time with my boyfriend. I sent him home, but before you know it, we were hanging out again the next week - and we ended up kissing and making out again, in his bed.

 

I feel absolutely terrible about what happened, not only because I cheated on my boyfriend, but because I also played a guy who I'm pretty sure has solid feelings for me. Now that it's happened, I've realized that I've always known that my boyfriend is the one I love and I've limited contact with the other guy. My boyfriend and the other guy don't know each other at all and live in difference cities, so they'd never run into each other or find out. I also haven't told a soul my encounter with the other guy (though I told my boyfriend I had hung out with a guy from class that night).

 

I know that I could very easily keep this as my own secret, but a part of me feels extremely guilty from hiding this from my boyfriend. I know he trusts me completely and I hate that I have a piece of me that he doesn't know, not to mention hurting him. But he's also told me before, "If you cheat, you know we're over, no exceptions." and if I come clean I'm afraid I'm going to lose him forever. I don't know which I should do. Help!

 

 

Here's the deal, your boyfriend already knows something is up. I mean, if I were your boyfriend and you told me that you hung out with another guy? That fire would have sparked up in my gut telling me something isn't right. If he's not a complete idiot, his trust in you has gone down and he's going to be more aware and watching more closely. Maybe asking you some questions.

 

Oh and you went back to his place and laid down in his bed and "made out". Yeah......not buying that one either. I speculate that it was a little more than just "making out".

 

Here's the deal. If you tell him, there's a chance that he's going to walk. If you don't tell him, then there the same amount of a chance he's going to walk as well. The guilt is already getting to you. Hell, you came onto this forum for advice on how to handle this. If you don't tell him, it's going to seep into your relationship. He'll do something nice for you, send you flowers or something and instead of think about what a great guy you have, you'll be thinking, "I don't deserve this."

 

You'll pick fights with him because, subconsiously your guilt will tell you that he needs to be mad at you for what you did. He shouldn't be treating you so sweetly. Also, if your pick a fight with him, then you can ease your own guilt by saying, "well, if he wants to argue with me all the time, then perphaps he deserved to be cheated on. I mean, if we didn't fight all of the time, I wouldn't have done what I did in the first place." And the thing you won't realize is YOU were the one starting all of the fights!! And if he finds out the truth of what you did, that's EXACTLY what you would tell him, "we weren't getting along for a while now, and all we do is fight."....blah...blah....

 

On the off chance you come back on here (which I doubt, a lot of cheater's bolt as soon as they see that people are telling them things that they don't want to hear) you need to come clean about everything. And that includes what happened in the bedroom. Then, see what happens. He may end it. He may not. But, that's for him to decide. You decided to cheat. He gets to decide where this reationship goes.

Edited July 8, 2012 by Chi townD

[calisun]

Thanks for the input everyone - I really appreciate it.

 

At this point, I don't really know what I want to do. I have noticed my behavior changing somewhat - now that it's summer and I'm back home, I'm a lot more attached and "in need" (for lack of a better word) with my boyfriend. I think it's in part to the fact that subconsciously, I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. Tbh, the guilt is starting to fade...but I don't know if I really want that to happen.

 

And to the poster who said they would feel "off" if their SO was hanging out with another guy: can't females have friendships with males? My boyfriend has never found it odd that I have guy friends (in fact, our friend group is both male and female) so I don't think it would have sparked anything.

 

My boyfriend has told me STRAIGHT UP that if I ever cheated or was in any relationship where his SO cheated, he would leave, no exceptions.

 

I think he emphasized this to me, because before we got together, I as casually seeing another guy and discovered that he was married (he was young, 22) and was hiding it from me. My boyfriend saw this all unfold as a friend back then and said he fell in love with me despite me getting in this kind of situation.

[Chi townD]

And to the poster who said they would feel "off" if their SO was hanging out with another guy: can't females have friendships with males?

 

 

Ummm...LOL! Okay, considering that you told him that you were hanging out with a male "friend", did you tell him exactly how you and this male "friend" spent the evening together?

 

Considering your actions already with this "friend" and how you spent an intimate evening alone with him, should he be completely comfortable with all of your male friends? You're really not giving him a reason to.

 

And to answer your question. Yeah, it's possible to have male friendships and they're easier to have when that friend is in a committed relationship. But a single male friend (even though it is a completely innocent relationship); I guarantee you that he's thought about what it would be like to be intimate with you. Even if the thought was fleeting, I can guarantee it has happened.

[Plan 9 from OS]

Thanks for the input everyone - I really appreciate it.

 

At this point, I don't really know what I want to do. I have noticed my behavior changing somewhat - now that it's summer and I'm back home, I'm a lot more attached and "in need" (for lack of a better word) with my boyfriend. I think it's in part to the fact that subconsciously, I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. Tbh, the guilt is starting to fade...but I don't know if I really want that to happen.

 

And to the poster who said they would feel "off" if their SO was hanging out with another guy: can't females have friendships with males? My boyfriend has never found it odd that I have guy friends (in fact, our friend group is both male and female) so I don't think it would have sparked anything.

 

My boyfriend has told me STRAIGHT UP that if I ever cheated or was in any relationship where his SO cheated, he would leave, no exceptions.

 

I think he emphasized this to me, because before we got together, I as casually seeing another guy and discovered that he was married (he was young, 22) and was hiding it from me. My boyfriend saw this all unfold as a friend back then and said he fell in love with me despite me getting in this kind of situation.

 

Sounds like you may be going down a slippery slope here. If you are become desensitized to the fact that you cheated on your BF - who you are in love with - then it will only get easier to justify this behavior in the future. Not good IMO.

 

Also, it sounds like you don't want to take responsibility for committing the ultimate betrayal against your boyfriend because you expect him to dump you if you confess. Sorry, but he has a right to know if he was betrayed on such a deep level. If you truly love him, you would not want to hide something major like this.

[FryFish]

And to the poster who said they would feel "off" if their SO was hanging out with another guy: can't females have friendships with males?

Not real ones no... If the guy is straight he wants to **** you... There are rare circumstances where "real" friendships are forced but they are rare... And you have proven, at least to us and yourself that YOU cant have male "friends"...

[nofool4u]

I cheated - what now? Do I tell him?

 

Its real simple.

 

If you respect him, you tell him the truth.

 

If you don't, keep your trap shut.

 

So question is, do you respect you bf? I mean, you already disrespected him by cheating, so that could be taken as a "no". But what do you think?

 

 

But he's also told me before, "If you cheat, you know we're over, no exceptions."

 

This is all the more reason to tell him. Otherwise you are holding him hostage in a relationship with a girl he doesn't really know that well.

 

My x-wife decided to be a coward and not tell me she cheated before we were married. I found out later when getting out wasn't easy. But I got out just the same.

 

 

and if I come clean I'm afraid I'm going to lose him forever.

 

Thats just a chance you are going to have to take if you think he deserves the truth. You should have thought about this before cheating on him.

 

And no, if you cheated on him, you don't truly love him.

[nofool4u]

He's most likely doing the same behind your back.

 

Oh bullsh*t. You don't defend a cheater by ASSUMING her bf has done the same.

[nofool4u]

Don't listen to this.. You'll kick yourself in the ass in the long run.

Don't tell him you'll lose him. Be selfish, always put your feelings and needs first before anybodys.

 

calisun, if you want sound advice, don't listen to this.

[nofool4u]

And to the poster who said they would feel "off" if their SO was hanging out with another guy: can't females have friendships with males?

 

Uh, the problem is, you have already proven that YOU cannot.

 

 

My boyfriend has told me STRAIGHT UP that if I ever cheated or was in any relationship where his SO cheated, he would leave, no exceptions.

 

All the more reason to tell him. Should he be with a girl that betrayed him, disrespect him, and was such a coward to tell him to keep him for her own selfish wants? You really want to trick him into thinking he is with a faithful girl when its not the case?

[Radu]

Thanks for the input everyone - I really appreciate it.

 

At this point, I don't really know what I want to do. I have noticed my behavior changing somewhat - now that it's summer and I'm back home, I'm a lot more attached and "in need" (for lack of a better word) with my boyfriend. I think it's in part to the fact that subconsciously, I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. Tbh, the guilt is starting to fade...but I don't know if I really want that to happen.

I know it's your subconscious but this is very selfish, did you have many examples in your family of affairs ?

Your insecurity is showing again.

As you mentioned you are back in familiar setting. BF not there, not a good time for yourself to lose said BF.

Which is why your guilt has started to erode away, it's your brain's way of looking out for your short term interests.

 

And to the poster who said they would feel "off" if their SO was hanging out with another guy: can't females have friendships with males? My boyfriend has never found it odd that I have guy friends (in fact, our friend group is both male and female) so I don't think it would have sparked anything.

This is young ppl thinking, made evident by your age of 19 [still a teenager]. Go and ask a group of married 40yr old women who have not yet divorced and see their responses.

Friendship between male and female can happen easily if both are gay.

If the woman is gay but the man is straight, many men will have the fantasy of turning her straight, through sex.

If the man is gay but the woman is straight, then the woman will have her defenses down around them, it's quite common for gay men to screw their straight female friends actually. There are actually a few PUA's who used to advocate playing the gay role [or at least metrosexual] in a group of girls because when they go clubbing other guys will hit on them and increase their horniness. In such cases, if they get horny enough they prefer the 'safe' guy that they know over some unknown dude.

Turning a man straight from gay is also a female fantasy that validates her sex-appeal.

If the man is gay and the woman is gay, then it's the safest bet because they don't see each other as 'possible mate' at a subconscious level.

If both are straight, then that's the toughest one of all, the man must friendzone himself to the other woman but still not appear as a doormat, and the woman might see him as a quick validation of her appeal when she is down after a breakup or something.

 

So pls drop that idiotic line, you are repeating it from some girlfriend ... who has a history of affairs maybe ?

 

My boyfriend has told me STRAIGHT UP that if I ever cheated or was in any relationship where his SO cheated, he would leave, no exceptions.

Good solid boundary.

 

I think he emphasized this to me, because before we got together, I as casually seeing another guy and discovered that he was married (he was young, 22) and was hiding it from me. My boyfriend saw this all unfold as a friend back then and said he fell in love with me despite me getting in this kind of situation.

If he reacted this way, than there were warning signs that he saw that you were blind to ... which you don't mention here.

Be honest, do mention them, because it may shed some light on the poor boundaries you mentioned in the OP.

 

You were already told not only by me about the fact that you need to feel some repercusions for your actions [for both your future relationships and in this particular situation if the relationship lasts], to help you learn from this situation, i hope you ponder it.

[drifter777]

calisun: You are making this a lot harder on yourself than you need to. It's as simple as this: You are not married. You are trying to maintain a LDR. Now, you have cheated on him. For God's sake, break up with him! Then there is no reason for you to tell him what you did and you can stop feeling guilty. You both are very young and should be out dating lots of people. Do yourself and him a big favor and go your separate ways.

[Chi townD]

dead thread. OP isn't coming back.

[calisun]

Thread isn't dead...I replied to a post a couple days ago.

 

And to the poster who asked about history of affairs -

Yes, there has been a history of affairs. Though I'm not sure they were affairs, my parents simply may have been in an open relationship. They've been together since they were 16, were in a LDR where they could "go out" with other people whilst they were away from each other, but eventually they came back together and got married at 28. As a kid my dad worked often and I remember him bringing a lady to our house who he called his "special friend" and I remember my mother and father fighting about that. But now they have an incredibly solid relationship...so idk. I've also had Aunts and Uncles who've had similar situations, and our family is extremely close and tight-knit.

 

I knew ahead of time that I can not sustain "friendships" with males, so that was idiotic on my part.

 

However, whatever you all say about me, I DO love my boyfriend. He is my world and I will not let one slip up (no matter how big it was) overshadow the fact that I love him and have loved him for going on 2 years. I'm not going to call it a "mistake," because really it wasn't, but that doesn't detract from the fact that above all, I love him. If I didn't, I would've ditched him for some other guy.

[Trimmer]

You seem to think that you are currently in a decision-making process that will determine the outcome of your relationship.

 

I maintain that your boyfriend has already made this decision, and expressed it clearly to you:

My boyfriend has told me STRAIGHT UP that if I ever cheated or was in any relationship where his SO cheated, he would leave, no exceptions.

... he just doesn't know it yet.

 

When you hooked up with the other guy, you pulled the pin on a hand-grenade, and it can't be put back in. Now you are holding the lever, and the real decision you have now is whether you want to try to hold it forever to keep the grenade from blowing up.

 

However, whatever you all say about me, I DO love my boyfriend.

Actually, unlike a lot of folks around here, I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise. I think it's a red herring to argue that you either DO or DON"T love him - all or nothing - hinging everything on that outcome. I think that is an unnecessary distraction from the more important point: Loving him isn't enough.

 

So statements like the following sound great, but they are useless in the scheme of things:

... above all, I love him. If I didn't, I would've ditched him for some other guy.

OK then, so let's say you've proved to me that you "love him." You can stop wasting your breath trying to convince yourself of that.

 

But again, loving him isn't enough. He didn't say "cheating on me is OK, as long as you keep loving me." He said "cheating on me is a flat out deal-breaker." And you broke the deal. That decision has already been made.

 

Let me ask this: which do we usually associate more with "loving someone?" Selfishness, or sacrifice? More specifically: (a) maintaining a deception, shielding yourself from the stated will of the other person, so you can continue to take from the relationship to your own benefit, or (b) being willing to sacrifice for the other person, even if it risks difficulty, pain, even an excruciating outcome to do so? Which one of those really says "I love you"?

 

The boundary is busted, the deal is broken - he just doesn't know it yet.

 

You've convinced me - you are convinced yourself - that you love him. Do you really love him? What would you do if you really loved him? If you had generous, honest, unselfish love?

 

And if you don't, then doesn't that kinda help answer your question, too?

Edited July 11, 2012 by Trimmer

[Star Gazer]

I really like Trimmer's post. He makes a lot of great points.

 

But I think you should just break up with him and not tell him. Telling him that would absolve yourself of guilt, but could cause him irreprepable pain. You're the one who should bear this burden, not him.

[Trimmer]

But I think you should just break up with him and not tell him. Telling him that would absolve yourself of guilt, but could cause him irreprepable pain. You're the one who should bear this burden, not him.

At first I like that idea, but I go back and forth.

 

Definitely, if she tells him the truth, then he's going to hurt, big time.

 

But he sounds like a decent guy... if she leaves without telling him why, then he's going to hurt, but it's pretty likely that at some point in his coping process, wandering through what the hell happpened without a solid answer, he'll figure that it must have been his fault - some kind of a deficit on his side - that caused her to leave, and that could be even more damaging for him than the truth.

 

The truth will hurt, but at least he can rightly understand that it was her transgression that caused it, and decide for himself whether he wants to try to get past that, or whether he will stand firm by his boundary. And he won't have a tendency to aim the blame back on himself, where it does not belong.