Trust Jealousy and Paranoia

[HCR]

Towards the end of summer last year I decided to break up with my girlfriend. The reason for the split was that I felt that I was been unfairly treated. I felt the relationship lacked intimacy and that would make me feel rejected. It was quite regularly the case that she wouldn’t let me come close to her, and she also suffers from a sexual disorder, Flash backs to the time she was raped, and other issues. The sex disorder meant that she had a very low sex drive never really wanted to have sex, and she went along with it only because I wanted to, which made me feel guilty for having a high sex drive wanting to make love to her. Sometimes during sex She would get flash backs to the time she was raped. When she was triggered she would roll up into a ball and it would be some time before she could speak again. Her other issue’s meant that at times she would take things out on me or go over the top when I had done something wrong, which I considered to be relatively minor E.g. Forgot to take out the trash, forget to do the drying up after dinner etc

 

So eventually I had had enough. I felt used and abused so I decided that I would end the relationship. However a week or so later we began to get closer again, since we stayed close friends and then we ended up sleeping together a few times. She then when home to visit her family elsewhere and it was during this time that she went to see a friend of hers and someone who said go to for “spiritual guidance”. This guy claims to be able to see spirits and other etheric entities, like fairies and stuff like that. He does past life regressions and according to my girlfriend he can see what you she during these things (or something like that). Anyway this guy offered to help her work though her flash backs, and the trigger of her flash backs is sex! So she kissed him, but however she stopped it after a while because she didn’t like how he kissed. Later when she told me about what had happened she said that she wasn’t attracted to him, but she felt that this could be a way for her to over come her issues and trauma and learn to deal with it.

 

We are back together again now and things are going well, after she told me of the event mentioned above I realised how much I still cared about her and that all the abuse that I felt and all the lack of intimacy was due to her emotional and psychological problems and at times I was triggering her and neither of use really understand what the problem was. However the level of trust I have for her is greatly diminished because I felt she was wrong to kiss that guy when we were still so close and she knew how much it would hurt me. She was single at the time and technically you could argue that I don’t have a leg to stand on in this matter, but the fact is I was really hurt I felt like she had cheated on me because we were still sleeping together and there was a level of intimacy which wouldn’t be there if the relationship was completely dead, regardless of the status. However she went ahead and did it anyway, her mindset is very must out of sight, out of mind. I feel that if that emotional tie to me is that strong then she would avoid doing anything that would hurt me like that.

 

Thinks are going really well between us these days. She is seeing a therapist who seems really good and she trusts her and they are making so and steady progress. I try to avoid triggers and do my best to take care of her, however what bothers me is the lack of trust I have and how paranoid I get at times. She’s very open and active on the internet and guys send her private messages to her and every time I see something like that I get suspicious and my mind starts ticking over about allsorts of silly scenarios, ranging from the possible to the completely ridiculous. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and I’m scared that it’ll ruin the relationship. We are doing so well at the moment and I don’t want her to feel like I’m possessive and untrusting, but the scare the incident left is deep and it still hurts. How can I move past this? How do I start putting this all behind me and just enjoy our time together instead of getting wound up every time a guy texts her or Sends her a message?

[PegNosePete]

This "spiritual guidance" guy sounds like quite a piece of work... preying on vulnerable girls with his pseudo-spiritual cr@p.

 

She was single at the time and technically you could argue that I don’t have a leg to stand on

Yeah, you don't have a leg to stand on dude. However...

I feel that if that emotional tie to me is that strong then she would avoid doing anything that would hurt me like that.

...this is also true. If she wanted to get back with you then she should not be kissing other guys. However I don't think this is your biggest worry, it is a symptom of the larger issue.

 

How do I start putting this all behind me and just enjoy our time together instead of getting wound up every time a guy texts her or Sends her a message?

What is the nature of the messages? Does she hide the messages from you? Are they flirty messages that she says are just joking around? It's extremely worrying that guys online have her mobile number. This is a serious issue my friend. But again, it's a symptom of the bigger issue.

 

You do have a lot of red flags in your relationship dude. She is seeking acceptance from men: from you, from this spiritual bullsh*t guy and from all these online guys. She has low self-esteem and the attention makes her feel better. She just wants to be loved and accepted (by EVERYONE) and this need will override healthy relationship boundaries. She is obviously quite damaged and you see yourself as her knight in shining armour. You are her rock of stability but this leads to you getting frustrated when your needs are not being met. Unfortunately this rarely turns out well for the knight: when you "fix" her, more often than not, she will be a different person. She will move on and you will be left with nothing.

 

I would highly recommend reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover, you sound like the perfect candidate for a Nice Guy.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thinks are going really well between us these days. She is seeing a therapist who seems really good and she trusts her and they are making so and steady progress. I try to avoid triggers and do my best to take care of her, however what bothers me is the lack of trust I have and how paranoid I get at times. She’s very open and active on the internet and guys send her private messages to her and every time I see something like that I get suspicious and my mind starts ticking over about allsorts of silly scenarios, ranging from the possible to the completely ridiculous. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, and I’m scared that it’ll ruin the relationship. We are doing so well at the moment and I don’t want her to feel like I’m possessive and untrusting, but the scare the incident left is deep and it still hurts. How can I move past this? How do I start putting this all behind me and just enjoy our time together instead of getting wound up every time a guy texts her or Sends her a message?

 

You don't. Fact is that she has a VERY high risk of cheating on you. You are just going to have to get all of her passwords and just watch her like a hawk!