I'm Obsessing Over His Ex

[morganmedina]

I can't seem to get her off my mind. Everything reminds me of her. People on TV remind me all the time. Actress's in movies and people on commercials.

 

My boyfriend dated her for 3 years. They were only broken up for about 6 months when we met and we started dating 3 months after we met.

 

Our first year of dating he was still contacting her and flirting with her. He asked her to hang out a couple of times and she always refused. I found out about this and argued about it with him. I found a message he sent her on facebook. It was saying how he missed her and how much fun they used to have and how i was nothing like her and all this stuff that made our relationship seem like it was crap. He kept saying that we were arguing all the time and just made it seem horrible to be in a relationship with me. I will admit that we did argue alot. After that we got over it and continued to date. Then I found out that she went to visit his house (we lives with 3 other guys) in the town where his college is, shortly after i forgave him for even talking to her.

 

Other things went down in our relationship that involved other people. But that was the end of her.

 

We have been dating for 3 years and we have a son now who is 2 months old. He tells me all the time that he is over her and that I am better than her and that he loves me WAY MORE than he ever loved her. We talk about getting married all the time. I am not sure if they have ever talked about it (i guess its better NOT to know about that). But i cant get her off my mind.

 

She is really pretty and artistic and i am i guess jealous of her. I am mad that they were together so long and that he took forever to get over her. I wish that she was a stupid ugly girl that was a psycho path and he broke it off with her but SHE was the one that broke his heart. The only thing I am not jealous of is that she is chubby (thats shady I know).

 

I find myself looking her up on google, finding her on facebook and myspace and looking at her pictures. She doesnt have pictures of them anymore (thank god). I have her blocked on facebook on both of our accounts but i will unblock just so i can find out where she is living and what she is doing and who she is dating. I wish she would just get married and move to another country. I was just on her facebook today and seen that she has been miserable for a year now cause she is so alone (single). This made me happy (which is crazy, cause i dont want to wish bad on people).

 

I dont know what to do. My whole relationship I have been making sure that they dont run into each other. I also just dont want him to EVER see her face again. I told him that we are NEVER going to live in his home town because of her. This is hard to not run into her cause their town is small (30 people in graduating class) and SHE LIVES 3 HOUSES DOWN!! Thank goodness we havent seen her yet.

 

I feel like she is better than me and i feel like he had more fun with her than he did me, even though he tells me otherwise. Its like im believing what I want to believe even though he says different.

 

I know this is wrong and its ruining our relationship. I need help to get over her.

[Mimolicious]

Sorry that you are feeling like this. Have you seeked professional help?

 

This is going to ruin your relationship if you continue to behave this way.

Regardless of all the "fun" that he had with her it seems to be that he's accomplished more with you. He has made a commitment to father a child with you, so stop tripping.

 

How the hell do you find time to cyber-stalk someone with a 2 month old baby?

 

Honey, focus on your baby and your man. Why bother with his exgf, especially since she is not personally disturbing your relationship. You are sabotaging yourself. Don't sweat it unless you have reasons to.

[morganmedina]

I thought about getting help but wanted to get on here first. but Thank you this really helped. I know its wrong and Im just afraid of getting hurt. Our child wasnt a mistake so i guess he was committed.

 

lol I have time cause he was sleeping next to me. your right tho i shouldnt worry unless she interferes.

 

another problem i have is that i dont want him ever see her and think shes pretty. idk. i want to be the best looking person he has ever seen. i hate when someone looks better than me.

[Mimolicious]

Wow! This is not healthy hone. There will always be someone better but you are who you are and must be a very special person to him.

 

If he sees her, so what? He could come across a strange woman and if he is going to stray he will no matter what or who. Try not to come across as controlling and obsesive (makes people run for the hills). It's a turn off and can create more problems than the ones that you think you have (I don't see where though).

 

Don't create your own misery in anticipation of something that you can't control. Live and enjoy your new life, nurture your baby and your SO. Try to get help so you can start getting rid of your insecurities before things go sour. Good luck!

[morganmedina]

thanks for everything. i will try to live our life to the fullest. my sister said the same thing if they are going to cheat you cant stop it. and if they do then f them.

[Maggotface]

Wow, the message he sent her on facebook is really hurtful, but it is in the past. If you feel that getting professional help is the best for you then you should look into it. Anything that will help you get over this, no one should live like this. Believe me I know, I've done the same thing with my ex. I don't look into her anymore because we're not together anymore but I hated how I felt compelled to keep up with her life.

 

Is she the only one you've done this with?

[morganmedina]

this is my first REAL relationship. and anyone that has come in contact with my boyfriend i look them up and see what they are doing and if they have a boyfriend or kids. he cheated on me with this girl and they just kissed but now i dont ever want to be around her. cause long story short she has always liked him and tried to get between him and his ex too and she finally succeeded when he was with me and it bugs me that she didnt succeed when he was with his ex. its like why me? but i do the same with that girl that he cheated on my with.

but i noticed that i do do this with ever girl that has been in his life friend or gf. i block all these girls on our facebooks. well only the ones that he used to like and the one that he hung out with when we were dating.

 

but my other relationships i never had this problem.

[jenifer1972]

I think he is responsible for planting this "seed of doubt" in your mind by his past behavior and the very hurtful things he said about your relationship to her. I am not sure I could get over the hurtful things he said. They were pretty big in my opinion. I can understand why you would feel "second best" and become hypervigilant.

 

On the other hand you are now three years down the road with him and have a child together. Perhaps you need to just sit down with him and tell him how what he did has really caused terrible doubts in your mind and see if he says anything that can lessen your fears.

[morganmedina]

I think he is responsible for planting this "seed of doubt" in your mind by his past behavior and the very hurtful things he said about your relationship to her. I am not sure I could get over the hurtful things he said. They were pretty big in my opinion. I can understand why you would feel "second best" and become hypervigilant.

 

On the other hand you are now three years down the road with him and have a child together. Perhaps you need to just sit down with him and tell him how what he did has really caused terrible doubts in your mind and see if he says anything that can lessen your fears.

 

whenever i try to talk to him bout he gets angry (cause we have had a talk bout her so many times) he just says i dont want to talk bout her. its over with and i love u.

but he said i love u the whole time he was still trying to talk to her so thats why it sometimes doesnt mean something to me.

[stace79]

I understand how you feel. My situation was very similar. I met my ex when he was still not over HIS ex of four years. He and I dated, but he still talked to her a lot on the phone and IM. Never saw her b/c she lived two hours away. However, once (when he and I were not yet exclusive) he had her visit him for two days. I found out after and was pissed even though he technically didn't cheat b/c we weren't exclusive.

 

He broke up with me for her one time, and I still have yet to totally get over it. He doesn't talk to her anymore. In fact when he and I started working things out again this year (we've been on/off for several years), she had called him a couple times and he has still ignored her calls, and says he will not contact her again as long as we are together.

 

So basically I'm like you -- I have no reason to be threatened by her anymore, but b/c of my hurt I just hate her guts. I check out her FB all the time, too. And yes, it's bad and unhealthy but I wish bad on her. Like I felt secretly happy that she recently got laid off a second time in two years.

 

Anyway we both have to realize this is totally a problem on us now. Our bf's can't do anything further. They're already not talking to these exes. They're committed to us. Either we can live with this and move on, or we can't.

 

You don't want to live unhappy for the rest of your life. It's almost like an addiction -- maybe you should see someone, and then try to go cold turkey in not looking at her FB anymore?

[make me believe]

I think the problem here is your boyfriend, not you! He sent her inappropriate messages on facebook, flirted with her, tried to hang out with her (behind your back I'm guessing), and even cheated on you with some other girl. How would you NOT feel insecure with this guy?! I don't really know what to tell you because I would have dumped the jerk as soon as I found that he was still trying to hang out with his ex and sending her inappropriate messages. It sounds like you two have a really unhealthy relationship with all of the mistrust and jealousy. But it also sounds like your boyfriend has given you plenty of reasons not to trust him.

[morganmedina]

I think the problem here is your boyfriend, not you! He sent her inappropriate messages on facebook, flirted with her, tried to hang out with her (behind your back I'm guessing), and even cheated on you with some other girl. How would you NOT feel insecure with this guy?! I don't really know what to tell you because I would have dumped the jerk as soon as I found that he was still trying to hang out with his ex and sending her inappropriate messages. It sounds like you two have a really unhealthy relationship with all of the mistrust and jealousy. But it also sounds like your boyfriend has given you plenty of reasons not to trust him.

 

we HAD an unhealthy relationship. we both have cheated and i didnt break up with him cause i cheated as well and i regretted it and still liked him more than the other guy. he knows about that too.

 

but the case isnt about the cheating and my cheating im just asking how to let her go cause they dont talk but i just feel that she is better than me. i just go to her sites to see why he liked her so much and why they even dated. he dont like to talk about her. but i just want to make sure i catch the sign on her pages that would say she misses him. that way i can prevent her to contact him.

[StarrySkyBlue]

If they're not talking, I don't see any reason why you should remind him of her existence ever again. Don't bring her to his attention. If you give him the feeling that she is better than you, he might start to feel that way too.

 

He's with you now, not with her. Concentrate on what you have in the relationship and try to make it better. If he's happy with you, there will be no reason for him to think about other girls.