Forgive and forget? Is it possible

[jackie_p]

This is my first post here so Im sorry if its a stupid question.....

 

Ive been married to my husband for 4 years now... Im 29 yrs old. Last year, we started having some problems. We had always had our fair share of arguments, but we started talking about future plans (ie kids, whether we should move and where to, etc), and we had alot of conflicting views on the matter. This was the cause of alot of heated debates, and we never really came to any agreement on anything. This was also a very stressful time for me in general, as I was laid off from work. As a result, I began very unpersonable to him... I was always snipping and basically being a total b*tch. Through all this, he was very understanding... but for some reason, I wanted nothing to do with him. I began talking to other men for advice, and before long, I met this one guy who I started to really like. Not in a sexual way... more like an emotional sort of way... but still. I would lie to my husband and sneak out to see this guy just so I could talk to him about what was going on with me, and he would listen to me. We had a great connection, and I continued seeing for a while like this, just talking. I was attracted to him, but I never thought of him as anything more than just a friend... until the guy started making moves on me. For a while, I went along with it, not knowing what to do.. and one night, when we were out, he tried to kiss me. I think this is when I realized that I needed to stop what I was doing. Eventually, I convinced myself that what I was doing was wrong, and that ended.

 

Well, bottom line is, my husband eventually found out about all this. Ive told him the entire story down to the tee, and even though hes very upset with me, hes willing to look past it all. Its been about 3 months since Ive admitted to him what was wrong, and he has said hes willing to forgive me. However, things have been a bit differnt since then. He is not as affecionate as he used to be, and I find it harder to connect to him on levels that we used to be able to.

 

I love the man very much ad dont want to lose him, but I dont know if my emotional fling with the guy has upset my husband to a point where he can never trust me the same, but I dont know. He says he is ok and that he just needs time to gain my trust, so is it possible Im just overreacting? If a man finds his wife cheating on him like I did, is it really possible to look past what she did and come out from the relaitonship stronger than it once was?

 

Sorry if this was long or sounded stupid, but its been bothering me alot.

[Bejita463]

I'm going to be blunt. Reading your story, I have a hard time believing nothing but emotional cheating happened. How do you suppose your husband feels, having had to discover this? If I don't believe you, do you think he does? I imagine he wants to, but does he? You know him better than I do, but that is what I personally believe the problem may be.

 

Also, he might be able to forgive you, but I can say as a voice of experience that he will not ever forget.

[road]

How did you meet the OM?

 

Is there NC with the OM?

[lkjh]

I doubt your H believes you because honestly I don't believe you. I find it hard to believe that all you did with the guy was sneak around and "talk". I am sure that you had at the very least sexual talks with this man, flirting, and probably some physical contact. It will take your H years to gain trust in you but now you are tainted, and its completely your fault. Give your H as much time as he needs because this is ALL your fault

 

You went out and looked for other men and you found one. Now you have to pay the price for cheating

[JamesM]

Actually, I believe you as it is written. I don't think there was more.

 

This man became an emotional support. In the midst of a marriage where you had nothing but conflict, you felt that you had an anchor...someone who would listen to you non-judgmentally. It probably helped you get through those times...or it is possible that this guy kept you from resollving your marriage problems.

 

Either way, this guy saw it as more. His goal became getting more from you. And so he made his moves. You realized that a simple friendship in your eyes became more in his eyes. He saw a woman who was leaving her husband, yet you were only (in your mind) having marital difficulties.

 

Now what you need to do is prove to your husband that what I said is correct. Only time can heal this slight rift. Give him time and be as open as possible.

[Bryanp]

What do you expect? How do you think if the roles were reversed and he was sneaking behind your back with another woman for emotional support? You have really disrespected your husband and hurt him. It sounds like he is emotionally protecting himself because he no longer trusts you the way he did previously. What were your thinking? You lied to your husband about this. How would you feel if your husband was lying to your face if the roles were reversed? I think you have put your marriage in jeopardy because of your own foolishness.

[tryagaintoday]

Re-evaluate what you really want and in your future. If you'd decided that you want to stay with your h, then be prepared to work really hard on it. Cut all contact with the om, be very open with your h. Sometimes it may be uncomfortable but you made your choice.

 

My ex-fiancee wanted to try at first, but after 2 weeks, she felt tired and dumped me for the om.

 

Haha, being dumped by a cheater whom wanted to try and work things out initially and i believed her...

[samsungxoxo]

I see, talking about problems within your marriages and about you to OM. But if that was the case, there was a psychologist or counseling to talk to..

 

As far as regaining trust, tell him what you felt before meeting the OM for emotional support.. tell him the part when you rejected the kiss.. If it's the truth you'll telling and this was all then it shouldn't take more than 2 months to get over this. If it comes to the point of 1 year and he's still like that, then serious counseling would be needed..

[an hero]

You damaged his trust. It can be fixed but it will take time. That other guy better be completely out of your life now.

[on1wheel]

The simple answer is I doubt he will ever be the same; how could he. My wife did the exact same thing to me after 3 years of marriage, but we had a 1.5 year old child!!! I told her that I would leave her if she ever cheated on me before we married, but I also promised my child when they drew their 1st breath ever "I will do anything in my power to protect you & make you happy". Since I love my child more than I love myself I stayed. My wife swore she would never do it again, as well as some other concessions & I agreed to continue to honour my vows. I believe in marriage & ALL that it stands for, so I never cheated...even after she did. But now I don't look at her the same, love her the same & certainly don't trust her the same. Some things, once broken, can never be repaired. We have not had the same connection ever since & since it's been 23 months; I doubt we ever will. If you are looking for forgiveness or understanding from me, you will not get it I'm afraid.

You knew full well what you were doing was wrong, but you let the thrill of being wanted by another man superceeed your moral commitment. You stopped trying with your H & simply replaced him. Not a single day goes by where I don't suffer greatly from what my wife did & I'm sure he is living the same horror.

If your goal is to have the type of relationship you had before cheating then my recommendation is to separate & start over with another man. But if you will accept this was all your fault & just want to have the best marriage possible, then I would say stay. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. You changed it. Good luck to you either way, but try to remember how much you hurt him...the worst way possible BTW.