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persistant "private" phone calls.....

Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 6th September 2002, 9:58 AM   #1
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Angry persistant "private" phone calls.....

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OK, here's the situation. My bf and I just recently started seeing each other again. (we've been back together for 5 months, and living together for almost the whole time, I moved in with him) We were together before about 7-8 years ago for 2 years and engaged to be married, but things did not work out. It's a long story, but basically we were both kinda screwed up and things weren't very good. I saw him a couple times over the years, one time we tried things again and I saw that he hadn't really changed (substance abuse), so I broke things off. Then a second time we dated briefly, but he was "undecided" between me or the woman he had been seeing for awhile. Needless to say, I broke it off again.
Well, we're finally back together again and on the same page. Things have been great, we're both finally "grown up", we realized how much we love each other, it feels like things are how they're supposed to be, we've talked about marriage and all is good.......
EXCEPT for one thing.......the "private" phone calls.
Our phone has a caller I.D. function on the headset and it stores the last 30 incoming calls. There are continuous calls that are marked "private". I know it's a woman that he had been "seeing", because she left a messages, "Hey, it's just me. Give me a call when you get this, unless your not talking to me anymore." or "hey, it's just me. Give me a call." BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
I've talked with him about the calls, he first said that he didn't know who it was, then he said he told her that he was seeing someone and not to call anymore, then he says he can't do anything about it and he's not doing anything wrong. And I DON'T have any reason to think he is, but these calls still bother me. And she only seems to call when I'm not home, right after I go to work and before I get home, never on the weekends!!!! I feel like he's maybe igoring her so that he doesn't have to explain anything to her, so she won't know and if anything happens between us, he has her there for "backup". Am I wrong to fell like this? What would you do? I'm going crazy!!!! I hate feeling like this.......
I've told him that they bother me and that he should think how he would feel if the situation was reversed, but he just tells me that he's told her not to call and she still does, so there's nothing he can do.......AAGGHHHH!
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Old 6th September 2002, 10:36 AM   #2
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There is a feature on your phone where you can refuse to accept callers who will not identify themselves. It should be listed in the phone book....problem solved.
That's just what I think....

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.

"The Lorax" Dr. Seuss
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Old 6th September 2002, 11:15 AM   #3
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what is he doing giving out your phone number to other women? Unless you're on a phone list at work and that's how she's accessing it, this sounds pretty darn suspect!
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Old 6th September 2002, 11:22 AM   #4
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I think she moved in with him that's how she has it.
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Old 6th September 2002, 11:25 AM   #5
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phone number

The woman that is calling is a previous "thing" my bf had. I suspect that she's possibly married, or with someone else. I DO NOT think that my bf is cheating. (call me gullible, if you want. But, I believe him) I believe she is with someone else, and that's why she's marking them private, so that I can't call her at home....

p.s. I called and had it made so that no one can call if they mark their calls private........THANK YOU! I feel better already!!
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Old 8th September 2002, 8:53 PM   #6
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First of all I find it odd that he first said he didn't know who was calling than later said that is was a girl he had been seeing. Since he lied the first time I wouldn't believe anything else that comes after it.

Second, you restricted the phone so that she couldn't call, all he has to do is switch it back or worse find other ways to hear from her like if he should buy a cell phone, watch out for that. He could be coming home from work later or spend time with her while your at work. you should take an early lunch break from work one day and snoop on him, see what he doing while your away.

I personally would rid the guy who looked guilty. I don't put up with cheating and If I suspect it and 95% sure he would be gone. The best thing would be to find out for sure. The phone call deal is enough for me but not you. So spy on him, find your proof and take action from there.
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Old 9th September 2002, 9:20 AM   #7
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Arrow ??????

Well, I did feel better. Until I got V's reply this
She can call, she just has to either...not *67 her #, or if she has an unlisted # and that's why it comes up private, she has to dial in a code to call our #.

As for him lying about it at first.... Yeah, that annoyed me at first, but I think it was a way of trying to avoid a possible fight. (which is some people's "nature") Like I said in my original post, I have NO reason to believe that he's doing anything wrong. He works at home, he's always there if I call during the day and one of my best friends lives next door, she owns a daycare and is home all day. (she'd tell me if anyone was there during the day)

He's told me, that he told her, not to call anymore. But, she still does....but, he doesn't talk to her. Which, I tend to believe because....the phone calls are in multiples, like she's calling...the answering machine picks up, she hangs up and calls again. There could be 3 calls in 3 minutes.

Personally, if I felt like I had to spy on him, I wouldn't be with him anyway. So, that's not an option. I'm not F*****G stupid, if there were "signs" I wouldn't ignore them. If I really felt like there was something going on, I would handle the situation accordingly. Plus, I think that constant accusations, snooping, dis-trust and spying can sometimes cause more problems than they solve, especially if they turn out to be unsolicited. I don't want, or need, to waste my time playing "Columbo". Usually if your suspicious enough to do those things, you already just can't face it.

Let's face it, there are some REALLY sorry excuses for women out there, who when they want something, are not going to take no for an answer. I know that he wasn't a "monk" while we weren't together (nor was I a nun). Most women (even if they had screwed a guy on dailey basis) would back off when they found out that the guy was seeing someone else.

That's why I tend to think that she's (unhappily) married or has a (in)signifigant other....cuz she obviously doesn't value the boundaries of a relationship. I also think that the "timing" of the calls don't have anything to do with my schedule, but hers or her mates....she either calls when she's at work, or when her live-in's at work.

If something was going on, why would he let her call the house? Don't men normally try to hide it, or at least be a little sneaky? I mean, they'd both be "in on it". Why wouldn't he erase the "private" calls? Maybe he's not trying to hide anything, because he has nothing to hide??

Regardless, I appreciate the advice. The situation was really bugging me. (And I'm starting to feel like I'm making excuses)
I guess, at this point, I just need to see what happens form here, pay attention and act accordingly.

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