Looking for unbiased s

[MontanaGirl]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now, and I’ve gotten jealous over a few things lately. Some background: I broke up with a VERY controlling boyfriend about 6 months ago, after we’d been dating for over four years. As a result, I’m not quite sure when I’m overreacting with this new guy and when I’m right to be hurt/worried. Hopefully you guys can help.

 

My new boyfriend has a lot of female friends, including his best friend. She often spends the night at his house. She wears silk boxers to bed, and sometimes my boyfriend wears them. They’ve been friends for years, and nothing happened before I was around, so I’m not terribly worried about this, I guess. But his close relationship with another woman makes me a little wary of the situation.

 

When we first started dating, he pointedly got a girl’s phone number, to impress the guys he works with. He said he never intended to call her, and threw the number away immediately. His argument: since he never intended on doing anything with her, it was harmless. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did, and I think that’s what bothers me the most. It didn’t help that he described this girl as “totally hot.”

 

Then, there was this other girl he met in class (we’re both seniors in college); he wanted to hang out with her, and so invited her to his house. The sticky part for me: he admitted that he knew she was romantically interested in him and thought she was on a date. He told her shortly after she arrived that he had a girlfriend. I’m really fine with him having female friends, but it made me upset that he wasn’t upfront with her. I would never go out with another guy, without telling him before we met that I was in a relationship. That way, we both go into it knowing it is just a friendship thing. His argument: he didn’t think she’d hang out with him if she knew he wasn’t interested in her that way, so he wanted to get her out before he told her. And, he says that when he tells her isn’t important, just that he does before any “lines are crossed.” This seems so shifty to me!

 

Ok, so those two things were the big ones. Otherwise, he’s a really sweet boyfriend. He told me a couple weeks ago that he loves me. I can’t say it back, because of this jealousy/trust issue. Are my concerns warranted, or is it just old baggage? He's pretty bummed at me for the way I've reacted to what he sees as non-issues, and I don't want to chase him away if this is my problem. Can't wait for some feedback....

[bubblegum]

Well it does sound like he seeks out attention from females that are romantically interested in him. That's a bit of a concern IMO.

 

Why does his best friend often spend the night at his place? Does he have a few best friends that are male?

[MontanaGirl]

His best friend stays over when she's had too much to drink, or it's really late/cold outside (she doesn't have a car so walks home). She sleeps on the floor in his bedroom.

 

He has a few male friends and gets along fine with guys. But the vast majority of people he spends his time with are of the opposite sex.

 

I guess I'm most concerned that he feels an urge to "prove" his attractiveness to the opposite sex by getting women to respond to him. It's not that I think he's cheating/going to cheat, and his argument is that's all that matters. I think he's the type who likes it when men find me attractive, so I can't even say he's hypocritical about this. Is this just a difference in perception? I don't want to keep feeling doubtful, but don't want him to feel like he's walking on egg shells to keep me happy.

[Charles1978]

Inviting that girl over who was interested in him is just odd. I have plenty of girl friends myself. But the vast majority of them are just that... friends. I'll meet them out for drinks and do other stuff with them, but I have pretty good control of crossing the line or not. He may be the same. I'm currently single and have been for about 6 months now, but over the past 10 years... I'm 30 now... I've been dating someone for about 6 of those years. And during those 6 years, I always had a lot of female friends. But I also have a ton of guy friends. None of my ex's ever had a problem with it. The only time I got in trouble was when one of them sent me a birthday card and closed the note with "Love You". My g/f freaked out. But she was just an old friend.

 

I wouldn't think your boyfriend is cheating, but just has rather odd judgement at times.

[melodymatters]

Hey Montana,

 

I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from, what with the being used to a controlling psycho and not knowing what "normal" boundries are anymore !

 

And, I am 40, you are a college senior, so there are going to be a few generational differences, BUT, THIS womans opinion is that your BF's behavior is ....slightly innaproppraite, and yes, perhaps attention seeking.

 

 

To me, men who need to prove their attractiveness, always become less attractive by doing so.

[MontanaGirl]

 

To me, men who need to prove their attractiveness, always become less attractive by doing so.

 

I love this quote.

 

I've never been considered a controlling/jealous girlfriend--I can point to two times I felt jealous before this relationship: one really was cheating on me, the other one turned out to be married. So normally I'd trust my gut, but I'm not so sure on this one. I had no idea how thrown I'd be coming from a controlling relationship. Melody, is there anything you've done to overcome all this second guessing?

 

Also, I've usually dated men who are 30-35. My current boyfriend is the youngest guy I've dated since I was in high school.... Could this be a generational thing?

 

Cheating isn't a concern, and neither is the fact that he has female friends. It just feels disrespectful, and I don't want things to get weirder.

[Angel1111]

Listen to your instincts.

 

What disturbs me are his underhanded tactics and behavior that cause you to question his motives. He likes to toy with boundaries and isn't concerned that it makes you uncomfortable or makes you doubt his character. Although his friends might find it cute and amusing, I wouldn't be the least bit amused - or impressed - by it. Personally, I think you have another controlling guy in your life - he just goes about it in a less obvious, or less tangible, way.

[Walk]

I wouldn't be comfortable with the situations you described. I don't think I'm a jealous type person, or an over reactor, but those would cause me to believe that he isn't as trustworthy as I had hoped.

 

For one, I expect my partner to listen and attempt to understand me when I voice a concern over his actions. That if I see it as undermining our relationship, that he would take steps to prevent that in the future. In addition, I would expect him to not do anything he wouldn't feel comfortable with me doing. (And not that fake response men give about how they wouldn't care when you know they'd be pissed. They know you won't do it to them, so they'll never be called on the lie.)

 

Second... Your bf dismissed your feelings. Seems like he sapped the steam out of your argument by proclaiming he's far too honest to ever do anything inappropriate so therefore your concerns are invalid. All the while he was acting inappropriately which ignited your worries about his intent... and negated his illogical argument about how his thoughts are like the purity of a virgin.

 

Overall though... His actions are telling you exactly who he is. His words don't mean even a quarter of the weight you're giving them. So if you toss the words out, how do his actions make you feel?

 

And trust your gut. You might think it's out of whack, but it's not. I've been in a situation where I thought I was overreacting due to bad situations in relationships, but truth was... I was reacting like a sane person. It was still the situation that was screwy. So if you're doubting yourself again... check who you're with to make sure it's not just a different version of the previous problem.

 

p.s. Just read Angels post, and I think I repeated everything she just said. (Good post Angel.)