Second Chances

[Anon]

I've been dating this guy for six months. Things have been pretty good, all things considered.

 

We are really good friends, have a great sexual relationship - Though we do argue a lot since we are both hard headed and opinionated, but never about anything that is really morally groundbreaking. More about stupid things like what movie to see or whatever. Inconsequential stuff.

 

He's planning to move in at the end of the month. He always sends flowers, tells me he loves me. We have a lot of fun together. I really care about him and I think he is a good person, though not perfect. Then again, neither am I. No problems... Until...

 

This past Saturday, we went out to the bar. Had a great time... Maybe consumed a few too many drinks. I was walking along, and watched as he sat down at a booth with some girl, leaned in and kissed her. Not a peck - A full on, hot and heavy kiss.

 

I was horrified. I stood there and watched it happen. Mainly because I couldn't beleive my eyes. My heart felt it had been torn out. I never in a million years would have thought he'd do that. He knows I've been hurt by past realtionships and has always said he would never do anything to hurt me. He says I am everything he has always wanted. He says I am the best thing that has ever come into his life.

 

But then this happened.

 

There are a lot of factors that could have contributed to this event. But I won't excuse it or try to give it a reason, or him an excuse. What he did was wrong. I must admit, I did walk up and slap himn across the face when I realized what he was doing. In the middle of the bar. Then I went home and cried all night, debating what I should do when he called.

 

He called the next day from his mom's house, where he had spent the night. He said he had been told by one of his friends that I was making out with someone on the dance floor, and his reaction had been anger and revenge resulting in this kiss. I think he was just very drunk and ended up doing what he did. Doesn't really matter - He still hurt me terribly, and NO I hadn't been kissing anyone. I danced by myself that night and have always been faithful to him, which isn't always easy for me. He said he felt terrible (Of course he did, he got caught)...

 

I do love this man, and I don't want to see all our future plans go out the window because of a drunken mistake. I have told him I will give him a second chance, but not a third. I told him that I will be very suspicious for a while until he gains my trust again. I can't help that. And I said if this or anything like it ever happens again, he is out of there - Not because I want to lose him, but because I refuse to be a door mat.

 

Am I stupid to give him a second chance? Is there anything else I can do here? He is a good man, as hard as that may be to beleive. I know I sound pathetic for taking him back - I am not naive when it come to the dating game. Like I said, I have been hurt before and I do know how to stand up for myself and when to walk away.

 

Is it possible for things to work out? I am so scared I am setting myself up for a fall... Any advice on how to try and make this work? Or on what he can do to earn my trust again?

 

Argh. Relationships suck.

[Tony T]

1. "Am I stupid to give him a second chance?"

 

No. It may be worth that but I will say it's a major gamble on your part. It's not like he snuck out behind your back...he did this RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. I don't know whether you should give him points or take away points for that. While doing it in front of you, he wasn't trying to pull a sneak but at the same time it was a most heinous and humiliating token of disrespect and lack of consideration for you.

 

His excuse of "getting back at you" was most juvenile. If you can't teach him to communicate with you when he has a beef with you...or thinks he has...you shouldn't be together.

 

2. "Is there anything else I can do here?"

 

You can slip saltpeter in his drinks so he'll never get further than a kiss. Other than that, there's nothing at all you can do. It was his behavior, not yours.

 

3. "Is it possible for things to work out?"

 

Absolutely, especially if you can get him to stop drinking.

 

4. "I am so scared I am setting myself up for a fall... Any advice on how to try and make this work?"

 

The harder you have to work on this, the less it's worth having. Relationships have to have a solid foundation of trust. I'm not really sure whether kissing a girl in front of you when he was plastered with alcohol fits the category of cheating. I've never been drunk before but I know people can do some really weird things and not mean it. There are some who even kill people while they are intoxicated or under the influence of drugs.

 

I think the key here is keeping him sober. Cut him off after a few drinks. If he has the need to get drunk, you might want to review your relationship because you certainly don't need a lifetime with a man who has to get drunk often.

 

5. "Or on what he can do to earn my trust again?"

 

There is NOTHING he can do except to behave himself and not cause you hurt and pain. Again, the key seems to be the curtailment of alcoholic beverages.

 

Did he know this chick he kissed? Was she a friend or someone he had dated? Was she a total stranger? The answer to these questions would be the real key to my answer to you...but you have not revealed this most important factor in the entire matter.

 

6. "Argh. Relationships suck."

 

Sometimes they definitely do. But Argh always sucks...I know her well.

[BeenThere]

Wow...felt the 'sting' of that one myself. Do you know who this women was? And did he ever say anything to you about his suspicions about the dance incident with you before he pulled this one off? If not...then it sounds like a desperate last minute excuse he pulled out of his ayass.

 

Standing on the outside looking in, I can say I wouldn't blame you if had left this jerk right then and there. But I can say that only because I am removed from the situation and not attached emotionally. I can also tell you that my husband (now my ex) pulled this little routine TWICE during the 15 years we were married. The first time he was drunk and I was very young. It happened at a dance we had attended with both of our parents. Everyone witnessed it and were as surprised as I was. And although I forgave it...I never forgot it. The second time was years later after he had been through treatment and had been sober for over 10 years. This was at his sister's baby shower. A pretty little gal who had been friends with his sister years ago. Upon saying our "goodbyes" to everyone, Kevin walked right past his mother, me, his sister, grandmother and everyone there and planted one right on her lips. Her eyes were big as saucers and she turned bright red. Everyone else was just as stunned. You could have heard a pin drop! I think Kevin either forgot where he was, or just didn't care. We couldn't talk about it in the car home. We had a couple of kids with us. Later his excuse was..."he didn't remember...they were just friends."

 

Again, I tried to forgive but couldn't forget. And all the memories of past events, those things I had tried to stuff in the back of my mind, came back with a vengence. Any feeling I had left for him, any excuse I invented to justify why I continued to forgive him, went by the wayside. It was the beginning of end for us. I had totally disconnected from him emotionally and spent the next three years before our divorce a "roomate" rather than a wife.

 

I suppose men just don't understand what that kind of hurt does to a woman or how long she can hang onto the resentment; how l-o-n-g it will take before she ever feels comfortable enough to trust again.

 

Feel bad for Anon. Hope you never have to go through this again.

 

If you think this man is worth the second chance, then don't feel weak because you granted him one. He should feel blessed! But take what happened and "file it." But set your boundries and stand firm. Don't afford him another.

I've been dating this guy for six months. Things have been pretty good, all things considered.

 

We are really good friends, have a great sexual relationship - Though we do argue a lot since we are both hard headed and opinionated, but never about anything that is really morally groundbreaking. More about stupid things like what movie to see or whatever. Inconsequential stuff. He's planning to move in at the end of the month. He always sends flowers, tells me he loves me. We have a lot of fun together. I really care about him and I think he is a good person, though not perfect. Then again, neither am I. No problems... Until... This past Saturday, we went out to the bar. Had a great time... Maybe consumed a few too many drinks. I was walking along, and watched as he sat down at a booth with some girl, leaned in and kissed her. Not a peck - A full on, hot and heavy kiss. I was horrified. I stood there and watched it happen. Mainly because I couldn't beleive my eyes. My heart felt it had been torn out. I never in a million years would have thought he'd do that. He knows I've been hurt by past realtionships and has always said he would never do anything to hurt me. He says I am everything he has always wanted. He says I am the best thing that has ever come into his life. But then this happened. There are a lot of factors that could have contributed to this event. But I won't excuse it or try to give it a reason, or him an excuse. What he did was wrong. I must admit, I did walk up and slap himn across the face when I realized what he was doing. In the middle of the bar. Then I went home and cried all night, debating what I should do when he called. He called the next day from his mom's house, where he had spent the night. He said he had been told by one of his friends that I was making out with someone on the dance floor, and his reaction had been anger and revenge resulting in this kiss. I think he was just very drunk and ended up doing what he did. Doesn't really matter - He still hurt me terribly, and NO I hadn't been kissing anyone. I danced by myself that night and have always been faithful to him, which isn't always easy for me. He said he felt terrible (Of course he did, he got caught)... I do love this man, and I don't want to see all our future plans go out the window because of a drunken mistake. I have told him I will give him a second chance, but not a third. I told him that I will be very suspicious for a while until he gains my trust again. I can't help that. And I said if this or anything like it ever happens again, he is out of there - Not because I want to lose him, but because I refuse to be a door mat. Am I stupid to give him a second chance? Is there anything else I can do here? He is a good man, as hard as that may be to beleive. I know I sound pathetic for taking him back - I am not naive when it come to the dating game. Like I said, I have been hurt before and I do know how to stand up for myself and when to walk away. Is it possible for things to work out? I am so scared I am setting myself up for a fall... Any advice on how to try and make this work? Or on what he can do to earn my trust again? Argh. Relationships suck.

[Angel]

This is a hard one, but one more chance is in order. I do suggest you stop going to bars and drinking sooooo much - cuz this kind of thing is more likely to happen when too much alcohol is consumed.

 

I am concerned about all the arguing you do because you're both "hard-headed". That sends up more red flags than that kiss (although I would have been furious too). How old are you two? Sometimes heard-headedness comes from a little immaturity--

 

Good luck. But if you decide to forgive him, DO THAT and don't bring up the incident again.

I've been dating this guy for six months. Things have been pretty good, all things considered.

 

We are really good friends, have a great sexual relationship - Though we do argue a lot since we are both hard headed and opinionated, but never about anything that is really morally groundbreaking. More about stupid things like what movie to see or whatever. Inconsequential stuff. He's planning to move in at the end of the month. He always sends flowers, tells me he loves me. We have a lot of fun together. I really care about him and I think he is a good person, though not perfect. Then again, neither am I. No problems... Until... This past Saturday, we went out to the bar. Had a great time... Maybe consumed a few too many drinks. I was walking along, and watched as he sat down at a booth with some girl, leaned in and kissed her. Not a peck - A full on, hot and heavy kiss. I was horrified. I stood there and watched it happen. Mainly because I couldn't beleive my eyes. My heart felt it had been torn out. I never in a million years would have thought he'd do that. He knows I've been hurt by past realtionships and has always said he would never do anything to hurt me. He says I am everything he has always wanted. He says I am the best thing that has ever come into his life. But then this happened. There are a lot of factors that could have contributed to this event. But I won't excuse it or try to give it a reason, or him an excuse. What he did was wrong. I must admit, I did walk up and slap himn across the face when I realized what he was doing. In the middle of the bar. Then I went home and cried all night, debating what I should do when he called. He called the next day from his mom's house, where he had spent the night. He said he had been told by one of his friends that I was making out with someone on the dance floor, and his reaction had been anger and revenge resulting in this kiss. I think he was just very drunk and ended up doing what he did. Doesn't really matter - He still hurt me terribly, and NO I hadn't been kissing anyone. I danced by myself that night and have always been faithful to him, which isn't always easy for me. He said he felt terrible (Of course he did, he got caught)... I do love this man, and I don't want to see all our future plans go out the window because of a drunken mistake. I have told him I will give him a second chance, but not a third. I told him that I will be very suspicious for a while until he gains my trust again. I can't help that. And I said if this or anything like it ever happens again, he is out of there - Not because I want to lose him, but because I refuse to be a door mat. Am I stupid to give him a second chance? Is there anything else I can do here? He is a good man, as hard as that may be to beleive. I know I sound pathetic for taking him back - I am not naive when it come to the dating game. Like I said, I have been hurt before and I do know how to stand up for myself and when to walk away. Is it possible for things to work out? I am so scared I am setting myself up for a fall... Any advice on how to try and make this work? Or on what he can do to earn my trust again? Argh. Relationships suck.

[Ed]

Oh! Wow! This does suck! You may not be a door mat, but you are lying down and all he has to do is walk! I have a few comments on some things you said in your post.

 

You wrote, "He knows I've been hurt by past relationships". This doesn't carry a lot of weight. Almost everyone has been hurt in past relationships. It comes with the territory.

 

Then you wrote, "and (he) has always said he would never do anything to hurt me. He says I am everything he has always wanted. He says I am the best thing that has ever come into his life." First of all, a lot of guys tell girls this and some guys get a lot of mileage out of it. They usually say this to get what they want from a girl. Second, he has no control over your feelings about something he does. He can't MAKE you feel anything you don't want to feel. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel hurt because of this. Most people would. What you do with and about these feelings is what is important.

 

Later on you wrote, "(I) have always been faithful to him, which isn't always easy for me." WHAT? If you are having a hard time being faithful to him then maybe you aren't ready to be in a committed relationship. When you are ready to be committed to one guy, it will be easy to be faithful. You might think about it once in a while, but won't be hard, at all, to do. To me this is a sign that you are not ready to be tied down to one guy just yet. At least not this guy.

 

You plan to give him a second chance, but you will remain suspicious of him "until he gains my trust again". You say that as if you are certain you WILL trust him again. Will you? How long is that going to take? Does he have to do something to prove he is or will be trustworthy again in the future? What is it going to take for you to drop your suspicions and have a normal trusting relationship with him?

 

You are putting him on notice, now, to be a trustworthy person, when he should have been on notice from the time you began dating him. That's one of the reasons why we date people...to find out what kind of person they are and if they are the kind of person we can trust and get along with.

 

You asked, "Am I stupid to give him a second chance?" NO, you are not stupid. However, I would advise you to think about it a little longer before automatically giving him a second chance. He at least needs to sweat this one out if he is going to learn anything from it.

 

Is it possible for things to work out? Yes! Any advice on how to try and make this work? Here's what will have to happen for it to work out:

 

1. YOU will have to drop your suspicions and fully trust him.

 

2. HE will have to be faithful to you for the rest of his life (no third chances, right?).

 

Can YOU do that? Can HE do that?

 

Relationships do suck when things like this happen. I do believe in second chances. The only problem is most people don't understand how important it is to do it right the first time, until they have been denied a second (or third) chance.

 

Good Luck!

[Anon]

Thanks, everyone for the responses. You've given me a lot to think about.

 

To clarify a couple things -

 

- He didn't know the girl

 

- I agree that his "revenge" exuse was lame and most likly a last ditch effort to cover his a**. (I feel whatever reason was used is irrelevant - What he did was wrong no matter what the reason and it is my decision to try and work past the event)

 

- When I said it's not always easy for me to be faithful, I was referring to past realtionships, not this one. It is very easy for me to be faithful with this man - He takes my breath away when I look at him and when he looks at me, he always says exactly what I am thinking - Things I rarely admit even to myself... For a long time, I protected myself from being hurt by having a series of meaningless, superficial relationships... I didn't let myself care about anyone, insisting that I didn't need anyone - When really, all I wanted was a soft place to fall. He saw through that facade, when others never did. He looks into my eyes and says what I know - The first time he did that, my heart stopped, I was so afraid that someone could see my secrets... I feel naked in front of him... But I also feel safe in that I don't have to put on the tough face that I did for so long. He has actually makes me want to be a better person - Since I started seeing him, I've stopped drinking excessivly like I used to, stopped other negetive behaviours, etc. because he made me see how serious the consequences of doing so could possibly be.

 

(That's also why I was so shocked and hurt by the kiss)

 

- He has suggested (And I agree) that we not drink at all, at least until we have rebuilt the foundation of our realtionship. We both feel we need to spend quality time together talking, discussing, etc.

 

- I am not immature, thanks. I'm 25, he's 30, and I have been married for three years/divorced for over two... I said I was not naive in dealing with relationships - Just needing some pearls of wisdom under these circumstances. In the past, I would have simply walked away. But I see merits on this relationship that warrent more consideration than a knee jerk reaction.

 

I think he is as afraid as I am, though we both care about each other very much. Moving in at the end of the month has stepped up our relationship just that much - He watched his fiance die of cancer only a few years ago, so I know it is scary for him to give himself over into something like this. My ex husband used to beat me up and I was abused as a child, so my faith in men is not exactly on stable ground.

 

We are both still learning, trying to overcome the doubts our pasts have instilled in us. But I think we'll make it through. I know we both want to.

 

Once again, thank you for your comments. I will take them into careful consideration - We are still discussing the matter, trying to work it out.

[Tony T]

I'd really like the name, address and city of this bar, where female patrons allow guys to walk up and make out with them at will.

 

This may be too good to be true. Of course, there is always the risk of mono, etc. but one has to weigh the joys that might be attained with the risks involved.

 

You take your guy to incredible places!!! If only I could find a girl like you who would take me to places like this.

 

This whole situation is too much!!!

[Anon]

Silly Rabbit... You make it sound like I brought him to some Seventies-style sex club...

 

The girl most likely had no idea he had a girlfriend until I walked up and slapped him...

 

Dareth you to mock my pain???

 

Ah - Sometimes you gotta laugh for the crying...

 

(We're a bunch of rednecks up here in Calgary, anyway... My buddy had a girl hand him her panties (IN THE BAR) last weekend, so don't be shocked if you come and visit...)

[Tony T]

I truly didn't mean to mock your pain. But this aspect of the situation left a great big hole in my brain. I just wondered where a guy would go and find women who wouldn't mind him walking up to them and slapping a whopper on her.

 

If a girl had done this to me, I would be more shocked and angered than in pain.

 

I would be in little pain because I would break up with my pain PRONTO!!!

[Anon]

I see your point.

 

But I suppose in my mind, the chance I'm taking in letting this go is worth it. If he does it again, I'll have only myself to blame for the pain I'll feel, but it will be a lesson learned (Albeit the hard way).

 

If things do work out, I think we will be stronger for having taken the chance and sitting down to communicate throughout this ordeal.

 

Time will tell.

[Laurynn]

You were in an abusive marriage, had an abusive childhood (so did I) and you live here in Cowtown, TOO. What a small world.

 

L

[velvet]

I believe that his friend was the start of this situation. But, his plot blows me away. He shows real immaturity on his behalf & continue that game for as long as your with him.

 

When a spouse or b/f is cheating, getting angry & getting back is not worth the trouble. He didnt even deserve the slap in the face. What he did is cheat, regardless of what he, or his pals say about it.

 

You love him? Do you want him?

 

I have read your posts and can tell you love each other very much. You have to make him prove that before you take him back. I would tell him you forgive him, but you wont take him back. This, for your on safty net. I would make him feel like he has really & truely fuc*ed up. I would tell him its over without any explination be cruel, furious, ferocious, expose him, tease him. Dont please him. Leave him alone till his bad desire brings him to the floor.

 

He should respect you more afterwards. If you dont punish him (regardless of his appology) he hasnt learned anything from it.

 

Me, personally? I'm weak and would fall into his arms again as soon as he said sorry. But I'm not going through these emotions that you have inside of you. So I'm giving you my view point from the outside of these emotions and hope that you can be stronger than I could and do what HAS to be done.

 

Good Luck

 

I see your point. But I suppose in my mind, the chance I'm taking in letting this go is worth it. If he does it again, I'll have only myself to blame for the pain I'll feel, but it will be a lesson learned (Albeit the hard way). If things do work out, I think we will be stronger for having taken the chance and sitting down to communicate throughout this ordeal. Time will tell.

[Laurynn]

At the risk of repeating anything anyone else has said about this, here goes...

 

This guy is immature and TROUBLE with a capital "T." If his way of dealing with perceived problems in your relationship is by intentionally doing things to hurt you (like playing tonsil tennis with a gal in the bar), he's a loser....and not someone I would personally trust at all. So what happens if there comes a day that he worries you're cheating on him (an unfounded claim)...will he feel justified in going out and picking up some chick in a bar and sleeping with her? Where does this kind of unhealthy, immature behavior stop?

 

He's 30 years old and old enough to know that if there's a problem, you talk about it like adults....and try to come to some sort of resolution that way, not acting like a disrespectful slut in public.

 

You're right, there is no excuse for his behavior, regardless of how many lame ones he's giving you.

 

Take it from me......back many years ago, when I was 25, I was about 2 months from getting married to my husband. He was acting like a horse's ass, I guess making sure to sow his wild oats prior to tying the knot. A few months before our wedding, he was going out a LOT....with 'the boys'.....drinking tons and being a regular party commando. One night I came home to find that him and his drinking buddy had left. I knew they'd gone to the bar. It was a very small town and it didn't take me long to find his friend's truck parked outside the bar. My gut said that my guy was up to no good. I wanted to see for myself what was going on. I made my way into the crowded bar. My then-fiance was already well plastered. I made my way through the crowd and stood in a corner and watched him. Imagine my shock and hurt and anger and disbelief when I watched some skanky girl come up to him and HIM KISS HER. And it was no peck on the cheek (though it wasn't exactly a french kiss, somewhere in between but on the lips). I saw red.

 

I blasted through the crowd and walked up to him and asked him what the f*ck he was doing, and I stormed out. Did he follow me out to my car to explain (err, try to)? No. Did he come home right away to try and smooth things out? No. I don't think he even got home til 4am.

 

The BS story I ended up getting was that it was one of his best friend's cousins...someone he hadn't seen for years. Yeah, uh huh. Right.

 

To make a long story short, he was the King of Players. He had a reputation of being a dog/player from long before I met him. This is a guy who couldn't be faithful if he was paid a million dollars. It just wasn't in him to be monogamous.

 

During our marriage, while I was busting my ass working 13 hr nightshifts on the weekend, to bring in a good income so I could contribute to us having a comfortable life, he was out partying it up with his single pals, doing God knows what and with God knows who. Did he ever take ME out when I had the weekends off? No. He always had lame excuses as to why he didnt' want to 'go out'.....but you know what the truth was? He was afraid that one of his hunnies would see him with his *shudder* wife, and either they'd expose his games or I'd cut in on his fun time.

 

Our marriage was filled with calls in the middle of the night from people who wouldn't say anything when I'd answer (they'd just hang up)......we couldn't even walk through the stinkin' mall without some chick making eyes at him or walking by us and giving him a very flirty "Hi"...though of course he'd deny even knowing her/denied ever having seen her before.

 

Now it's hard to say if your guy is the same way, or has the potential......but his latest behavior is a huge red flag and you need to take notice. If he's pulling these stunts only 6 months after being together, what on earth does the future have in store?

 

Is there more to your story, though, than you've relayed here? Why on earth would he think you were making out on the dance floor with some other guy? Is there even the smallest bit of truth to that at all?

 

L

[Anon]

Regarding:

Is there more to your story, though, than you've relayed here? Why on earth would he think you were making out on the dance floor with some other guy? Is there even the smallest bit of truth to that at all?

The only foundation this has is the fact that before he came along, I would date several guys at once, preferring to protect myself from exactly this type of situation by providing "backups" for when guys would inevitably hurt me... I guess I was a bit of a player - Until he came along and changed all that. We were friends for a couple of months before starting to date, so he saw my flirtatous nature in action. But he saw through my tough facade, and made me want to settle down and take the risk of really caring.

 

He seems to be afraid on some level that I'll do that again, despite the fact I've told him I never would, and never have.

 

I have no interest in being with anyone else.

 

Not that it's an excuse, but he is also on medication (for ADD and anti-depressants) and was drinking pretty heavily that night. Once again not an excuse, but perhaps something to take into consideration before castrating him and damning him to hell.

 

I still am deeply afraid of letting him in again, but I think a second chance is in order. But not a third. So far, we have been talking this over and I am being very open about my fears, my reasons for being afraid, and how much this has hurt me. He says he doesn't know how to make this up to me - That the only thing we can do is give it time and heal... He has sworn up and down that it will never happen again - That he's giving up drinking - Even his mom called me to ask that I give him a chance (After congratulating me for slapping him upside the head). That actually means a lot - His mom is a very no-nonsense woman, and for her to involve herself is not something I see her doing if she didn't think this was worth saving. I don't have a family of my own to turn to, so it means a whole bunch that she would call to talk to me.

 

She doesn't think what her son did was okay by any means, but she thinks we have something good together, and it is worth trying to work on.

 

Is there anything I can do to ease this pain inside and really give us a fair chance to fix this? Right now, I realize it's still a fresh wound, but I want to be fair. Smart, but fair. And if I'm sitting here, totally suspicious and feeling like a mad woman, it's not going to do much good, despite the best of intentions.

 

Once again - ARGH!