he's lied and i'm hurt and want to get over it

[mon papillion]

my boyfriend and i have been together going on 6 months. Right after valentines day, he started to pull away from me a little. we would get into all of these small tiffs, he wouldn't call me as often as he had, i would see inappropriate comments on his myspace page. (on valentines day, i saw that *he had checked my phone. he confessed once confronted.)

 

i sent him a text message asking him "what is your password?" he texted it to me and just to check, i went on myspace and his two email accounts to see if it is correct. i didn't read anything, i was just happy he trusted me with it. a little while after talking to him about my insecurities, I checked his email one night. the first thing i noticed was that his myspace password had been changed. his email accounts were the same and i found some old emails letting me know that he was dishonest about women in his past.

 

when we got together as we were discussing the game plan for making sure there was no physical or emotional cheating, HE felt we should eliminate any one whom the relationship wasn't strictly platonic with. Even if the other person had feelings for you but you had none for them, it was not platonic enough. i did that!! *he didn't. the "god mother" of his children and him had a sexual relationship that ended 3 months before we got together. all of the emails from that point were innocent, but it still concerned me. i hadn't yet told him i snooped but i asked him, AGAIN, what their relationship was. *His response, "Platonic,... never intimate,... like family!" I let him know about two weeks after the discovery and he admitted to everything. (*he had also lied about the real time that his relationship with his ex wife officially ended, which i discovered in the email). then he told me, they were just friends who had happened to have had sex when they first met 4 years ago. he began dating someone else and they just became friends. he told his ex wife about the past sexual relationship and she demanded that they not be friends anymore, which is why he didn't want to tell me. when him and his ex wife split, she took him in, and "because he was hurt, he slept with her." he promised he wouldnt lie to me about anything else.

 

I still was not feeling confident. i still had a gut feeling something wasn't right. Trying to regain my trust, he offered to let me hold his cell phone, and give me all of the passwords to his accounts. I declined feeling like that wasn't necessary. I thought he wasn't doing anything, and i needed to stop feeling so insecure. days later, a bunch of pictures of him and past women fell out of a frequently used cabinet. *he told me he does not keep pictures of ex's. we use that cabinet all of the time and i never saw them before. i looked through every single picture. they were all obviously old but another lie. then, I found a love poem book from the god mother and family portraits that they took. *guess it was more than slip up, friend sex. when he got home i confronted him and he confirmed, yes, she is in love him, but it is completely one sided, and he forgot all about those pictures. UUUHHH!! Again, I believe him, but my stomach is telling me otherwise. I'm communicating these insecurities to him the whole entire time so he could come clean if he had any balls at all, but instead he leaves me to squirm and doubt myself.

 

i checked his phone one morning, in front of him, to find WOMEN on top of WOMEN whose numbers he still had. that bothered me for two reasons. he had only moved to my city months before we started dating and he claimed he hardly met anyone. if he had met them all before he met me, he did not hold up his end of the deal by letting go of those numbers. otherwise, some of those were new entries, another thing we didn't condone. I asked him about some of the women and he was so uncomfortable that i knew something wasn't right. *He again lied to me about when he met them and how often he spoke to them. Later that night, i went over and as I was in the shower he checked my phone. when he got in the shower, I checked his phone. I found recent messages between *one of his classmates (he just started school 2-3 months ago). in one text, she asked him when he was coming over. in another, he said he couldn't wait to taste her again. i found A LOT of text messages between *a HIDEOUS LOOKING (and bad attitude having) coworker of ours; one which he says "you looked so good today mmmm." i also found another recent text message from *the "god mother" where she is saying "don't worry i wont get married yet." i flipped out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he told me to get out after i slapped him when he wouldn't talk and i broke down crying. i stayed and tried to at least talk about. he was willing to throw in the towel. once he saw i was willing to work it out, he was willing. we talked that night, prayed, and I IMPLEMENTED A PLAN so that it wouldn't happen again. i told him i wanted to know EVERYTHING. He said I now knew everything. he says with our coworker they have had an on again/ off again flirt-y text relationship for the extent of our relationship and he ended it. with his classmate, he said it was just a one time kiss in the school parking lot and she's moved to another state, anyway. he doesn't address the god mother's text except to say he's sure i misinterpreted that text and they are strictly platonic now.

 

he's extremely remorseful and trying to work it out. it has been one week and 2 days since i read those text messages. probably 4 or 5 weeks since i read his emails. though, i had the opportunity too, i have not checked his emails nor phone. i realized it was because I'm afraid of what I'll find. this hurts and upsets him because he swears he's being honest, now. he knows it is a long road but still gets frustrated with being "the bad guy." he came over recently and as we were talking about him needing to check his email, he kept prodding me to check it for him. after i would not, he mentioned he had changed the password. that pissed me off tremendously. i didn't say anything. i had to figure out why i was so mad. that email address is the one EVERYONE emails to. the second email account i set up for him. I feel cut off.

 

Ok, now the real issue (sorry to be so long winded). before when he was still engaging in disloyal acts, he offered action to assist in regaining my trust. Now, I am just supposed to believe him because he's "told me everything." If I ALWAYS found out about stuff through snooping, if he has not pro actively told me things crucial to the foundations of our relationship, HOW DO I BELIEVE HIM WITHOUT EVIDENCE? He has lied to me over and over again about his relationships with woman. Plus I think he is a snoop too. Shoot I know he's a snoop. He read my "trying to deal with the deceit" journal. Snooping has been so degrading, I don't want to continue. I think I need to one last time to just find out if from this point he has been truthful with me. I need him to prove himself to me. I don't know how he can do that. How can we move past this?

 

*= the multiple asterisk symbolize all of the mis truths

[carhill]

Player, IMO

 

Ask him another specific question and get another specific answer.

 

How do you move past this? As our psychologist says, what you're seeing is his personality. It's who he is. It's not going to change. His behavior might change. What's underneath likely never will. Is that OK with you?

[lexi29]

I have been in your situation before and I have some really bad news for you. You are NEVER going to trust him again. You will always have to check up on him , as low at it makes you feel to snoop, you will worry and question his every word/move trying to find out if he is being honest. Chances are he is still lying to you. You've only been dating six months and already he admits to kissing another woman and he's flirting and sending inappropriate text messages to other females. This guy is definately playing you. He's not the great guy you thought he is. I would bet money that he's done alot more than he's admitted to. I mean he's lied to you so many times and now he is probably still lying to you about the extent of his dishonesty. He probably had sex with the godmother or the girl from school.

 

I say this from experience, true I don't know your boyfriend and I really do hope I am wrong, but I dated a guy like this before. He would lie about his relationships with other women- he accused me of not liking him having "friends" and trying to control him because I had a bad feeling about a woman he was hanging out with. He eventually "confessed" and his confession wasn't half of what was actually going on. He too, said that this woman was pursuing HIM and that she was in love with him, stalking him etc. That he wasn't attracted to her, that they'd never done anything etc. Well he just kept lying and lying and I so desperately wanted to believe him. He wasted my time, trying to get me to believe him, offering passwords, even that I could talk to this woman etc. I found out so much more after the fact, that HE was the one pursuing her etc and that a lot more had happened then he told me. So trust your gut feelings. They are normally right. I know it is probably hard to leave if you are attached to him but it is for the best if you can because you will just get your heart broken when you find out the actual truth (which he is still not telling you!) He's also trying to make you think YOU are the who's crazy and over reacting by telling you that you misinterpreted the text message and that things are strictly platonic.Yeah right. I'd be willing to bet the girl from school didn't move out of state either. And as far as him checking your phone etc, my fiance works with a guy who is engaged and has been with this girl for 3 years. He constantly cheats on her with random women and she has no idea. Yet, he bugs her phone and her computer and sets up all these little tests for her (has guys she doesn't know call her or ask her out and he sees if she turns them down) he is totally paranoid that she will cheat on him, meanwhile HE is out screwing around on her all the time. It's ironic isn't it? If I were you, I'd go to the source- the godmother and ask what her relationship with your boyfriend is? Have you ever met her? Does she know about you?