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The phone was there and I snooped

Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy Being unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.

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Old 26th March 2008, 11:10 PM   #1
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The phone was there and I snooped

Hello, I really could use some advice, as I have been obsessing about this for a few days, since I snooped and found out something. Sorry it's so long!

Back story. I have been dating this guy for about 6 months. In the beginning we weren't exclusive and he encouraged me to keep dating to "take the pressure off" him. Well, I didn't want to, I told him I didn't want to. And was sort of offended that he was encouraging it. It was after we started sleeping together too and it felt serious to me (we'd been friends for months before dating) Well, after thinking about it, I thought maybe I would try a little "okay well you asked for me to do that so I will" so I started going out on first dates with a few guys who really didn't do much but make me wish I was with my guy. But of course he was VERY jealous, to which I said, "well didn't you ask me to keep dating?"

And one night we were out to dinner and we had a little too much to drink and we were joking around about my dates and he said, "oh yea, well I have vivian!" and I was like, "who's vivian?" I instantly thought he was making her up to tease/make me jealous just from how he brought it up in response to taking about my dates, which I really never talked about to make him jealous on purpose but because he'd asked... but he still was jealous of just the fact that we went out.

So, months go by and he teases me about vivian and all the while I really never think maybe she's real. I don't know why?

So, Eventually we became exclusive.

And for some reason, this past weekend I learned that vivian is indeed a real person because he got so drunk he showed me some text from her (or maybe it was someone else as her number only showed up with the text, not her name) she had asked him what he was up to and he said, "all alone tonight" and she said, "u shouldn't b" well I asked him right then, who is she? how old is she? how long have you known her how did you meet did you have a relationship? do you still see her what's up with this why are you still texting this stuff to her when we are dating? he blew it off and said she's just a text buddy who is pressuring him for a relationship. (his words) Later on he had the nerve to "joke" around and tell me that "Oh yeah she was over earlier and we had sex!" He was using his joking way but I was by that time really pissed. He was drunk so I thought his guard was down and the truth was coming out.

next morning I ask him, "so you had sex with vivian" and he said NO why would you think that?. and I said, "because you told me you did!" and he was like aw come on I was drinking and just joking around. So, I left it at that to give me a chance to analyze the situation more and a few days go by and I bring it up again and say "why would a woman be pressuring for a relationshp if you never had sex? " and he was like she's just a friend we went out a few times for ice cream, nothing happened, she told me her husband beats her and I really don't liker her that much, I like you. I said, "so you never slept with her? he said no. so I said, "so you never had sex with her?" and he paused and said, "what do you mean by sex?" !!! what's that supposed to mean!! Then he said, "well we made out we kissed and stuff like that." I said, "why do you still text if you don't like her?' (in my mind he's keeping her on the line and that they did have sex, that they are sex buddies) he was like it's nothing I am not sleeping with anyone else now. you are the only one I've been with since we started dating even when we weren't exclusive.

but I am still upset--why did he lie? why didn't he just tell me up front unless he is covering up something. Deep down I don't believe him.

But wait there is more! The snooping part. After I found out about vivian's texts and that she was real, that same night, he left his phone on the night stand in the room we fell asleep in. He was sleeping off his alcohol from dinner and sometime in the middle of the night he went and fell asleep in another room. Well his phone started beeping. I didn't realize at first what it was then when I did I thought, "I could just look and reassure myself." I think I thought about it for 20 minutes because it was a huge thing to snoop. I would be as bad as him. But I couldn't stop, I checked his sent messages and found messages to a woman who was his best friend before me and who he claimed was totally platonic. he had said on a night I'd gone out to dinner with my friends, "can you come over" and then " i need you!" I was devastated to see this. Here I thought all along they were just friends.

So, to sum upthere's vivian and his best friend Cindy (who is also married like vivian).

I am devastated. How should I bring this up because I want him to know I know and I want to confess to the snooping, but I dont' think I can be with him anymore after the lying. But at the same time, is there any explanation for this that I haven't thought of? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?

I would appreciate hearing others' perspectives on this and really could use some advice. Thank you.
"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." Kierkegaard
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Old 27th March 2008, 1:57 AM   #2
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Unfortunately I feel (and I like to give guys the benefit of the doubt) that there is no reason to bring up a discussion here, just move on & move on fast.
His story changes between drunk & sober.
It is inconsistent. Also, you are not only dealing with one threat (another girl) but two. And when I say threat, we are not talking about Paranoid crap.
We are talking about one woman that he repeatedly talks to you about, & when he is drunk, he admitts to messing around with her.
Then there is another, whom he claims is just a friend, that you saw a text, concrete proof you saw with your own eyes, that he invited her over, obviously for sex.
Sorry, but no reading 2 ways into "I need you now"
It has been 6 months. You have approached the subject of being monogamous, and he has avoided it or rejected it.
These are not even "signs" you are seeing. They are truths. And the facts are that he is sleeping with, or trying to sleep with other people.
If you are not down with this type of "open" relationship, I would leave him now. 6 months is long enough for him to ascertain if he wants to be with you on a monogamous level or not. He clearly does not.
I am sorry to be so abrupt here, but in your case, it is just clearly obvious.
Move on as soon as possible.
Good luck Darlin'
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Old 27th March 2008, 10:48 AM   #3
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Alright Honey, I'm going to just give it to you straight...You can't show up at KFC and ask for a BigMac and fries. You're just never going to get that bigmac, no matter how long you wait or how high of price you're willing to pay- they just plain aren't going to serve you what you want.

You want a serious monagomous relationship with someone :this guy told you straight off the bat to date others-then he got jealous when you did so. BEEP BEEP BEEP (hold on, my toddler dating alarm just went off give me a moment to turn it off). This guy is inconsistant,unstable,and VERY immature- but for what it's worth he told you that right off the bat- but there you were pretty girl- just waiting ever so patiently for KFC to start serving you a BigMac. Now, do you really..REALLLLLY believe by this point that KFC is just about to change their entire menu and franchise for you? Because trying to work this out with him is going to bring you the same result in the end. What will you solve if you do bring this text up to him?

An explanation? A lie? A little of both? Have you not wasted enough of your time? I would suggest getting off this sinking ship, giving yourself some time to re-heal and properly orientate your mental and emotional GPS so that the next time you want something specific- you don't get tricked into going somewhere that is it's polar opposite to get it.
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Old 27th March 2008, 11:17 AM   #4
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Whatever games he's playing, he's apparently playing them with MARRIED women! That alone should tell you what kind of guy he is. If he's ok with messing around with people who have made a lifetime commitment to someone else, what makes you think he would value exclusivity, monogamy, and commitment to you? He clearly doesn't take that seriously.
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Old 27th March 2008, 12:08 PM   #5
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The only behavior here you have control over is your own: choose to stay and put up with it, or choose to leave and find someone who will give you the relationship you want and need.
Take what is handed to you, and hand it back twice...
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Old 28th March 2008, 2:24 AM   #6
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thank you everyone for the kick in the pants and good advice. This morning I confronted him about Vivian and Cindy just to see what he would say.

I figured he would lie so I had nothing to lose in asking him--I needed to see him twisting in the wind so to speak. It woke me up. He never did admit to anything and I didn't play my snooping evidence card. Ironically, at one point in the convo, he went and got his phone and said, "Look, see you can see I only have a text from you in here." I was tempted to say, 'well yeah, but I can see you deleted my others from last night so what does that prove? That you deleted all your messages last night?"

He said, "why would I sleep with cindy?" and "What did you hear?" and "don't believe the gossip!" When it came right down to the time when I could have said, "Because! I know because I saw the texts you wrote to Cindy!" I didn't. It didn't seem worth it. All he needed to say was, "hey cindy and I are friends we never slept together." but he launched into this big blah blah blah about why would I etc
I have been feeling for the past week that this is a deal breaker and have been distancing myself from him from the second I read those messages. I think I am in shock though because I haven't felt the ramifications of the confrontation this morning. (I ended the relationship.) I'm hopig the only thing I ever feel is that I dodged a bullet there. But I doubt it. sigh.
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