parents disapprove of relationship...

[ggirl1553]

This is my first time using this site, and I was hoping to get some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. He has always treated me with respect and we love each other. He is the only serious boyfriend I have ever had. The problem is that my parents have always discouraged me from dating him for the simple fact that I am a Christian and he is agnostic. He's 23 and graduated from college over a year ago, and I'm 21 and will graduate in May, so if things are going well for us I could see this ending up in marriage at some point.

 

I would like advice from anyone who has parents who do not approve of their boyfriend or girlfriend, and from other Christians on their view of dating non-Christians. Do you feel that similar religious beliefs are vital to your relationship? That it is ALWAYS a bad idea to date/marry a non-Christian (for reasons like what your children will believe)? I can't help but hope that one day he could become a Christian too. Any advice will help..

[littlepiggy1]

I can't help but hope that one day he could become a Christian too.

 

This is a huge red flag. If you are hoping he'll change his beliefs in the future then you're not a good match. You have to accept him for who he is now. And you should be with him because of who he is, not who you want him to be.

 

How would you feel if he was hoping that you'd give up your Christian faith and become agnostic?

 

On the subject of your parents: The relationship is between you and your b/f. Your parents may disapprove, but ultimately you have to do what's best for yourself and your relationship. Do what makes you happy, not what makes them happy.

[ggirl1553]

I understand your point about accepting him as he is, and I personally agree with it. There are so many things about him that I love and besides this issue our relationship is great. I guess the reason I feel like I need advice is because my parents make this out to be a huge issue and have at times made me feel like I could be "wrecking my life" by choosing to be with him forever. They have said things that I definitely do NOT agree with by suggesting that because he is not a Christian he is more likely to cheat on me or that our marriage will end in divorce. I love my family and am close with them...and I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that my family can't just be happy and supportive for me...so I just wanted to hear some different (and maybe supportive) view points from objective people. Thanks for your advice.

[bab]

Hi ggirl,

Well, I was in your shoes 6 years ago. My mom loved my bf until she found out (in not the best way) that he wasn't a Christian. She FLIPPED out. She yelled and then she stopped talking to me for 2 days. What you have to remember about your parents is that they are concerned for you. No matter how wrong they may be, the still have your best interest at heart. It was easy for me to see that about my mom, but not so easy for my bf. The next few times they saw each other they were very superficial with each other. Over a couple of years my mother came to see how good he was for me, and what a wonderful man he is.

 

It took us a few years to get to the point of truely understanding each others beliefs and being able to do more than give lip service to respecting them as well. We also spent lots of time talking about how it would impact our lives down the road. What we would do if we had kids. Everything. It was exhausting but we knew it had to be done. If these things aren't resolved, then you're parents are right. There is a very good chance it could end in divorce. BUT, talk talk talk and be extremely honest with each other, and you can make it.

 

When we got engaged I was terrified to call my mom. When I called her and told her she cried. She told me that it is a lonely life trying to raise Christian children and grow in a relationship with Chrsit without a Christian husband (I never told my H that she said this). But after she said her peace, she supported us. Since then she has been nothing but warm to my husband. We've only been married now for 3 months, so I can't say how marriage will be long term, but I truely believe that we spent those 4 1/2 years before engagment seriously putting in the time to get to know each other and work at making sure that we would be able to overcome the differences in our belief structures. (On that note the key is to talk about what you have in common like morals and values).

 

If you'd like to ask me more questions about that whole process feel free to PM me.

[ggirl1553]

Thank you bab, I tried to PM you, but I am new to this site, and apparently I can't do that until I become an established member. Anyway, Congratulations, and I wish you the best!

 

I can see my mom doing the SAME thing (FLIPPING OUT) if she found out we got engaged, and I know my bf and I have some things to talk about before we are ready to take that step. I would love to hear how you were able to figure out all these issues. I've talked to some of my friends about all this, but the truth is, none of them have been in this situation before. So I'd love to hear more from someone who has been there already. How long does it take to become an established member?

[bab]

Hmmm...I'm not sure about the PM thing, I think that it has something to do with the number of posts you have. I'm guessing 3 isn't enough.

 

I wouldn't say that my H and I have figured out all the issues, but we've made headway. Besides it would be terribly naive to even think we could figure out all the issues. What we really figured out is how to respect each other and to talk things through and realize that we will have to compromise. We can't know exactly how we will feel about some issue 10-20 years from now so trying to decide exactly how we will deal with it is silly. Not to mention that I'm positive that we'll want to pull on that extra 10-20 years of life experience to make those decisions. But there are ground rules and some basic ones that deal mostly with kids.

 

He got over equating all Christians with extremely fundamentalist right-wing types. I got over equating his agnostic viewpoints as being unspiritual. These were both big steps for us, and caused us to grow as people.

 

He no longer uses Jesus or GD as cuss words.

 

I've promised that church will not be my main focus, as in I'll be involved with other activities as well. (Not really a problem for me, but he was nervous.)

 

I've also excepted that he won't be coming to church with me on a regular basis.

 

As far as kids, they'll be able to go to church with both of us possibly alternating schedules. I forgot to mention that while my H is agnostic that he's fairly active (although not as much as of late) in the UU Church. We'll make sure that they aren't ever taught that Daddy is going to hell. When they are around the age where they traditionally do confirmation type classes, it will be up to the kids to decide if they attend or not. We will teach them to respect all religions.

 

No one will be allowed in our home that tells us we shouldn't be married.

 

Those are the major backbones of our agreements. Another thing that we've decided on that really doesn't have anything to do with religion, but I think is a good idea, is that if either one of us ever says they want to go to MC, we go, no questions asked.

 

Even the wedding ceremony was a compromise. We took a standard Methodist service and went through it line by line making sure that it was something that we were both comfortable with, changing the wording of somethings and keeping others the same. In the end we got multiple comments on how beautiful our service was, both from Christians and non-Christians alike. And ya know what? I doubt most people go through the ceremony as thorougly as the two of us did. It brought us even closer. I chose the standard Corinthians reading as the reading from my side. Yes, it's the standard thing, but the last part about "And these three remain, Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest of these is Love", it was so special to me because it was a picture of how I really felt and it was from my own faith.

 

The most important things can't really be listed. They are really being honest with yourself and him about what your beliefs are, and why. It's honestly not trying to change who the other is, but to come to understand them on a deeper level. I think it took a really long time before I realized that my H wouldn't be the same man if he had different beliefs and likewise for my husband to realize the same thing about myself. It was at that point when we truely understood that that we were honestly able to stop wishing that we were of the same religion and able to look to the future about how to meld these two belief structures into a family. I'm excited about it and even though our journey has just begun, I'm looking forward to every step.

[tikigods]

I think that the biggest problem that most multi-faith couples have is that One of them (or both of them) always wants the other to change teams and go to their side. I recently was reading a post on another fourm where the man had found God and was now forcing this on his wife and it was tearing them apart since she is an athest. I agree that it is a red flag, to me at least, that you hope that one day he will come along to your side of thinking. I think that it takes a lot of communication and understanding for something like this to work, but religion for some people is a very big part of who they are, and in the end they tend to want to be around people of the same faith. I have a friend right now that won't even think about dating someone outside of her faith because its that important to her that their kids and their lives include that part.

 

Though it can work out, it just takes a lot of understanding and almost a point of not caring about it. I say not caring cause the couple I know that have been married for like 40 years don't have the same faith at all, and niether one talks to the other about it, or really even mentions it, its one thing they have completely serperate frmo eachother. And it works for them that way (and they have lasted for like ever! LOL)