Why would my boyfriend become distant?

[Flower Power Girl]

Hey guys. Long time reader, first time poster. I would appreciate some advice.

 

Why would a boyfriend of 1 year & 9 months appear to have become distant emotionally & physically?

 

- Although he still uses his "pet" name for me, the "sexy" & affectionate names have stopped.

- He emotionally "backs off" when i express my feelings, i.e when i tell him i love him, or that i fancy him. He says that although he has great difficulty saying "those words" it doesn't mean he isn't feeling them. (He has only ever said ILY once & that was when he was VERY drunk! most of the time he just says "you too")

- Although he still claims to fancy me & find me attractive, he rarely initiates sex or responds when i initiate it. We are only intimate maybe once a month nowdays, although he frequently talks about us being intimate. (it just never happens!)

 

I am so confused with this guy. One week he tells me he loves the thought of spending the rest of his life with the same girl, then the next week he tells me that "forever" scares the heck out of him. Last month he told me he has a massive fear of committment. Yet -

 

- He still calls me every day as he's always done.

- He still wants to spend 3 or 4 nights a week with me as he's always done.

- He still makes plans for us next week, or next month, or next year as he's always done.

 

I would say that 99% of contact is initiated by this guy - so why the heck is he so emotionally and sexually distant when we are together?????

[magichands]

We are only intimate maybe once a month nowdays, although he frequently talks about us being intimate. (it just never happens!)

There's a disparity between his actions and his words. You always believe the actions.

- He still calls me every day as he's always done.

- He still wants to spend 3 or 4 nights a week with me as he's always done.

- He still makes plans for us next week, or next month, or next year as he's always done.

Look, don't take this the wrong way - I'm only going on a few sentences. But it seems to me that he is feeling comfortable with the status quo.

 

You are a nice distraction until some real excitement comes along.

 

And don't take me as cold and unfeeling - I know that you are worth far more respect than that!!!!

[Flower Power Girl]

Exactly.

 

He SAYS he still fancies me and he SAYS he still wants to be intimate with me - YET - HE ISN'T!! - it rarely happens.

 

HOWEVER - he DOES still want to spend time with me.

 

This is the bit i just don't underatand - he WANTS to be with me. He asks me over to his place very frequently and he asks if he can come to my place frequently too. We spend maybe 3 or 4 nights a week together, every single week.

 

He just doesn't seem interested in being intimate with me - yet he wants to kiss, cuddle, and snuggle up in bed with me all the time.

[magichands]

He just doesn't seem interested in being intimate with me - yet he wants to kiss, cuddle, and snuggle up in bed with me all the time.

I guess you definitely want to be more than his teddy bear.

 

Expect more.

 

Damn I miss my teddy bear.

[Flower Power Girl]

Hell yeah!

 

I don't want to be his teddy bear or his security blanket -

 

I want to be his lover as well as his girlfriend - this guy is sex on legs!!!

 

How can i make this happen????

[magichands]

How can i make this happen????

Steady on with the Flower Power!!!!

 

I think I must be having some sort of irritating effect on you. Calm down.

 

You have the right to demand to be appreciated. You can find someone else to grow with.

 

And, for the record, if you want something to happen - look inside. Just a suggestion. (Yes, I'm being deliberately evasive.)

[norajane]

How old is he, and might he be experiencing erection problems or premature ejaculation problems? That often makes men reluctant to have sex even though they might want to.

 

Another possibility is if you've been pressuring him about commitment? He might feel uncomfortable about that, too.

[magichands]

How old is he, and might he be experiencing erection problems or premature ejaculation problems? That often makes men reluctant to have sex even though they might want to.

A valid point. I was guessing that since they do get together - on occasion - she could tell whether it was out of duty or love.

Another possibility is if you've been pressuring him about commitment? He might feel uncomfortable about that, too.

I hope you can psych her down, norajane, after all the damage I've done.

 

Massive is a strong word, though.

[whichwayisup]

Talk to him. Just come right out and tell him how it makes you feel when he isn't making the moves on you. Ask him if it would be better if you two weren't a couple anymore because you're unhappy with how things are now.

 

See how he reacts and how he answers your questions.

[Hitman10000]

It's over, he's not interested in you anymore.

[Flower Power Girl]

In answer to some of your questions -

 

- We're both in our 30's.

- He's never suffered with premature ejaculation or erection problems and on the rare occasions when we are intimate he genuinely seems to want it and enjoy it, it doesn't appear or feel as if he's just perfoming out of duty. I have never nagged him into performing either!

- I've never pressured him about any form of committment, the absolute most i've said is that he is welcome to stay at my place whenever he wishes.

- I have just "come right out" and told him how it makes me feel, i didn't get upset or accuse, i just spoke about it in a calm way. His response was also calm, he said he just wanted to make me happy.

 

Hitman10000 -

 

- If you had lost interest in a girl, would you still call her every day without fail?

-Would you still want to spend 3 or 4 nights a week, every week with her?

- Would you still treat her and take her out to expensive restaurants at least once a week?

- Would you still take her away for the weekend every few weeks?

- Would you still want to be very affectionate, tactile, kissy and cuddly with her?

 

Maybe i'm not seeing something. The majority of his actions don't suggest that he's lost interest. He just seems to have a mental block when it comes to sex, committment and saying how he feels!

[Ripples]

I think if I were you, I'd be less 'available' to him. You say that you haven't pressured him - great! And you also say that he is welcome to stay at yours whenever he wishes, that you also spend alot of time with him. Maybe hold back on that a little. Without playing games, without expecting an immediate reaction, without being rude or abrupt. Just have other things to do. Genuinely. Maybe, like some other men, he needs a bit more of a challenge to be motivated.