Guest Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Hi everyone, I just want to know if you guys can give me some advice. I'm a 20 year old male and my girlfriend is 23, we have been together for 2 and a half years and we both are very close and love eachother. The problem is that she is constantly pushing me away by lying to me and not being honest. The lies are never too big, but it always bothers me a LOT that she doesn't trust me and has so much trouble being completely honest with me. I think it stems from the fact that her father was very strict with her when she was growing up and she's developed the bad habit of always making little lies to get herself out of situations. She also is fairly insecure and is scared that I'll blow up at her like her dad used to do. I am not perfect either, I do blow up at her sometimes, but it's always because I've just caught her in a lie or doing something dishonest. We both admit there are trust issues here, and that she needs to start doing something to stop her frm being dishonest, but we are not sure what to do and I'm scared it will eventually drive our relationship into the ground. Any help would be greatly appreciated, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
MarnieGirl Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 I think it stems from the fact that her father was very strict with her when she was growing up and she's developed the bad habit of always making little lies to get herself out of situations. the problem isn't just the lying. it's whatever she's doing that she feels a need to lie about. if she doesn't have situations that need to be covered up, there's no need to lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 the problem isn't just the lying. it's whatever she's doing that she feels a need to lie about. if she doesn't have situations that need to be covered up, there's no need to lie. That is true, but the problem is, and also what makes this so confusing, is that they are STUPID lies. Like she'll be dishonest about the most assanine things that are just ridiculous. I see her doing it to her parents all the time just to get them off her back, or get out of an uncomfortable conversation, and I think her bad habit has carried over to doing it with me. She admitted to me she is scared of my reaction a lot of the time, so I promised her that if she works at being honest I will work at reacting more reasonably to her. I just think that I usually overreact because I found out she has been dishonest. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 I had over-protective parents, too, and I did exactly what she did: I learned to sneak around and lie in order to ever get to leave the house! I was a good kid, straight A's, and wasn't even doing anything 'bad'...just hanging out with friends at the pizza place or whatever. But unless the planets were aligned correctly, my dad would usually say no to my going out. So, it was either lie, or never go out. As you said, your girlfriend needs to feel comfortable with you - that you will not blow up at her, that you will consider her opinions, that you will not prevent her from doing the things that she lies about doing...unless, of course, they truly are harmful in some way. She won't lie if there's no need to lie. So take a look at what she's lying about and tackle each of those things one by one. She won't lie about working late when she's actually meeting her girlfriends if she knows that you don't have a problem with her getting together with her girlfriends after work. Giver her 'permission' to do the things she wants without feeling the need to lie about them. It will take a while for her to learn the trust and break the automatic habit/fear connection. In the meantime, when you catch her in a lie, don't blow up...just point it out and remind her that she doesn't need to lie to you about anything. Link to post Share on other sites
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