I make him feel guilty

[smile]

Ok so here's the deal. I have been seeing this guy for a little over a month and I am suddenly caught in such a dilema. I am not sure why he wants to be with me when it fills him with so much guilt.

 

Let's start from the begining. The first time we hung out alone, we met through a mutual friend, we talked for hours. Before we knew it we were in eachothers arms and then we had sex. The best sex I have had in a long time.

 

Afterwards we had this talk about how he hasn't been in a relationship for 5 years and he feels a little wierd about how all this happens. After 4 weeks of him comming over and us spending almost all out time together alone in bed we both wanted more. To be around other people, to hang out in public. But he had something to tell me.

 

He needed to feel like we were friends. He wanted to start over and date and get to know eachother. So, after a long talk about how he saw us getting together anyway but he just felt like he was cheating me out of the courting and the getting to know you know you stuff we decided to take it slow.

 

As soon as I said that was ok, he started to hold my hand. He told me how much he already felt more attracted to me and he wound up falling asleep on my bed and holding me all night. I figured it was ok bc it's really hard to rewind cold turkey. The next day was my niece's bday and he asked if he could meet my family and come along. Ok. Then he wanted me to meet his friends. Ok

 

I figured he was having trouble letting go, or maybe realizing he didn't want to let go. Whatever I was just following suit bc it was his desire to be buddies. He would hold my hand, he would rub my back, he was cutting my meat at the resturaunt and he would just lean over and smile at me and just touch my cheek.

 

Sunday night rolls around and we are watching a movie. I am so far fine with everything, it seems its going along as planned. Then he lays on my bed and asks if I wanted to lay with him. So I did. He held me close and we talked about what a fun night we had. Then he started to kiss me. And before I knew it we were dangerously close to ruining the friend thing.

 

I stopped and asked if he wanted me to keep going or just roll over. He said he didnt want me to stop at all but it might be best. He said he didn't want to feel like he was leading me on. So I stopped and I explained that I didn't want him to feel guilty or resentful if things got out of hand. That i stopped bc I respected his need to take things slowly.

 

He wouldn't (couldn't he says) stop touching me. I made him stop and rolled over. I started to cry. He asked what was wrong and I just told him I was confused. I didn't know what he wanted from me.

 

He held me and said it wasn't my fault. He told me he cared about me and he liked me a whole lot. He also said that he felt guilty bc in the past he has been able to control his desire to have sex with someone but with me he just can't. That he wants me all the time and he feels guilty for that. He doesn't want to do it and then have us both feel bad.

 

He said he was very confused. After we talked and everything something happened. We had sex. But it was different. He just kept looking at me . Right in the eyes with this expression as if he was looking at me for the first time. And when we were done he kissed me and held me. He played with my hair and, while has always been sweet and gentle, he was suddenly very tender.

 

The thing is, when he left in the morning he gave me a long long hug. But no kiss. He said "I'm sure I'll see you in the next few days. Now get some rest darlin." And he left.

 

He has said he felt guilty for missing me after just two days, he has said he feels guilty for feeling so close so fast, he feels guilty for having sex with me, he feels guilty for wanting to have sex with me. I hate that I am such a huge source of guilt and bad feelings for him. Especially when it's those very things that make me feel good.

 

So here's my question... what do I do from here? After he met my family he joked about when we were dating in a few months how fun it will be to hang out with them. After I met his friends he joked about how jealous they will all be when we start dating... bc they all thought I was cute and wanted him to keep bringing me around. But I am so confused about what I am supposed to do.

 

Do i wait and let him figure it out? Bc I hate that while I wait his wanting me and wanting to be with me is making him confused.Do I date other boys? I dont want to but I dont want to pine. Do I tell him I am going away until he can figure it out? Do I give up on him or do I stick around? Do I give him his space or do I act like a buddy that wants to hang out?

 

Being a girl I debated writing a long letter and just telling him that I don't want to be a source of guilt. I have this idea that he is scared by the fact the he can't control himself around me. That he is petrified of losing control. But thats just a hunch.

 

How do I handle this so it works to both our advantages? Please any comments would be greatly appreciated.

[Lucasarts]

jesus wtf is this guy on some emo trip or something?!

 

if he actually likes you this much to feel guilty then he has to have some personal issues or angst

 

simply just tell him that you want a relationship, who cares if there is no courtship or anything...if your official, you two can still go on "dates" shizzz wtf you think it is when you're with the one you like/love doing things together?

 

i mean damn, tell this guy straight up to straighten up and stop being stupid.

[smile]

Yeh ok so he obviously likes me right? I even gave him the easy out of saying "if this is just a nice way to let me down easy I would rather you just say you don't want me". But that wasn't it.

 

You think I should tell him that sometimes this is how relationships start. Not by being friends.. but that doesn't mean we can't BECOME friends in the process,.

 

Duh!

[Weye]

He sounds sooooo flakey by wanting to start over and do things some other way... There is no 'right' way to get into a relationship. No reason to take steps back just so you can get to be 'friends' first... This is just *strange*!

 

Let him know that he has no reason to feel 'guilty'. Tell him what he means to you, and how you want the relationship to progress. He should come around in time.

[mel777]

Don't wait for any guy to figure thing out. here's a little secret about most men. What they tell you is what they mean, there action don't mean jack. In fact if they tell you "I don't want a realtionship" and then treat you like you'r ehtere girlfriend, it doesn't change a thing becuase the guy figures hey I told her I didn't want a realtionship so she should know not to take any of this as serious.

 

 

Move on if he wants you he know where ot find you. Worry about what you want and if you can't get it move on.

[smile]

The thing is, he never said he didn't want a relationship. In fact he wants one with me and talks about how when we're dating we are going to do this and that. I just have no idea what to do between points A and B and how to get there. I am just so confused.

 

He sent me an email today that sums up his confusion. He said we are stupid people (I guess bc of the sex). He then said he did not want to stop seeing me. Then he said we need to set up boundaries and riot gear.

 

Right now I have nothing to say to any of it, so I won't say anything. It's like the first sentence makes me think he wants to end it. The second sentence says he doesnt want to end it... and the third sentence is funny but aaarrrggh I dont know .. I just dont know.

 

Its funny to me that the guys here are on the side of the guy comming around and the girl thinks he is playing me. It's so hard to know who to trust anymore (as far as who is playing you and who isn't) but I sincerely believe that he is confused and torn. And now, so am I.

[Weye]

My impression from your first post was that this guy is even more confused himself. That can happen to a guy whose not been in a relationship in 5 years. Another important thing is what exactly has he been up to in the 5 years that he was single. Was he alone, or bouncing wetween girls right and left?

 

Did you write him back? You should ask some definite questions about the status of your relationship with him.

[smile]

Well as far as the last 5 years he hasn't been with anyone. There were a few flings here and there but overall we are talking hermit status. No gf , no casual dating... just him. And I am sure he is probably very wierded out by the fact that for the first time in 5 years (so he says) he can't control himself.

 

I haven't written to him bc I just haven't been able to feel like dealing with it yet. I have so much right now and I fear that this confusion is just going to make me want to cut and run. I like this guy a lot but between his confusion and my being a constatnt source of guilt and bad feelings I sometimes feel it's best if I just go away.

 

I don't want to hurt him, but it just seems that no matter what I do he is going to feel bad. I like him so much and I care about him and I just want him to be happy with being happy.

 

What do you suggest I do, or say? One minute I understand and I am ready to follow his rules to make it ok with him, and the next I just want this confusion over. I guess now I am the one not making much sense.