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Possessiveness -- Good or bad?

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Old 28th October 2005, 12:32 PM   #1
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Possessiveness -- Good or bad?

My boyfriend is a great guy, but he has one slightly irking trait: possessiveness. I think this stems from some sort of insecurity he has in himself, maybe; one of my friends said this is common for first-time serious relationships like we have.

The other night I got asked to the movies by a guy (as friends, of course). Me boyfriend (when I told him about it) said, "Sure, go ahead, have fun," but later confided to me that he'd been thinking about me all day and wondering what I was doing. Not that he didn't trust me, of course -- but he was afraid of me getting attracted to the other guy. I have to admit that, had the tables been turned, I'd be confident that he wouldn't like the person he was with over me. Maybe that's because I know how much he cares for me, I don't know. But I tell him how much I like him back -- he just needs a lot of reassurance, it seems.

It's flattering to me that he cares so much about me, but it sort of feels like he should be more relaxed, and get the notion that I am prone to dumping him any day now out of his head. I know he's crazy about me, and this might be some sort of defense mechanism -- he doesn't want to get hurt. But I've told him that, if we had a problem, I'd talk about it first, not just announce one day that it's over.

We've only been going out for four months, so maybe that has something to do with it too. He's been head-over-heels for me from the start, while at first I was somewhat indifferent and grew to be very attached to him during our time together, which is sort of a strange occurance, I think. Kind of backwards.

Anyway, is this possessiveness a good thing, in that it shows how much he values and cares for me? Or is it a bad thing, that he shouldn't fear losing me so badly, and be more confident that I have feelings for him, too?

Do you think it will decrease with time, as it finally occurs to him that I really do like him?

Last edited by Nur; 28th October 2005 at 12:38 PM..
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Old 28th October 2005, 1:07 PM   #2
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This isn't uncommon, especially for first-time serious relationships or if one of the parties has a history of being betrayed. Sounds to me like this is one of the former.

It could get worse, depending on his personality type and if you're one to flirt - consciously or otherwise - with other fellows. But more likely, as you two grow and evolve together in your relationship, he'll become more relaxed.

Talk to him about it, too. Keep it completely non-confrontational. A statement like, "I hate it when you don't trust me" won't do any good. Something like, "It's very sweet that you're worried about me. It makes me feel good that you are concerned" or some such thing.

A quick caveat here: Your "guy friend" that you went to the movies with is more than likely interested in being more than friends with you, whether you recognize it or not. But your boyfriend undoubtedly does, which may be why he was worried in the first place.
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Old 28th October 2005, 4:43 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Nur
Anyway, is this possessiveness a good thing, in that it shows how much he values and cares for me? Or is it a bad thing, that he shouldn't fear losing me so badly, and be more confident that I have feelings for him, too?
I think his possiveness tells much less about how much he values you, than about his own insecurities.
"How am I to tell you that I am intoxicated with the faintest odour of you, that, had I possessed you a thousand times, you would see me still more intoxicated, because there would be hope and memory where there is yet only hope. - Balzac, to his future wife.
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Old 28th October 2005, 5:05 PM   #4
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Can we REALLY be friends?

Maybe I am just too traditional, but to me, a movie with someone like that sounds like a date. The older I get, the less faith I have in the whole men and women as friends thing. I think the women can do it, but the men are generally around to see if they can get in your pants. I know its not always true, but its true a lot more than women realize. I guess what I am saying is, I don't see what your BF did as especially posessive.
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Old 29th October 2005, 2:02 AM   #5
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possissiveness is a very very bad thing. It is not showing how much he cares about you.. its showing how little he trust you . A relationship without trust is doomed from the beginning. I went through 28 years of marriage with that controlling possivie jealousy, sooner or later you do reach your limitation, it just took me awhile. and the longer you stay in it the more miserable it becomes. im only speaking from experience.
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