Cloudy Situation (Long Post)

[TheConfused74]

Hey everyone!

 

I apologize in advance for the long post, I’m hoping to gather some insight on this confusion situation I find myself in. Anyway, around four months ago I started talking to an interesting and awesome woman (27), and it was apparent after a couple dates that we had a connection. I’m thirty with a good job in education, Master’s degree, and I stay active (kickboxing, hockey, and running five-times a week). Our dates were always fun, and we would end up talking for hours...sometimes even after the dates ended. I waited until our third date before kissing/doing anything physical with her because I did not want her to think I was only interested in the physical stuff. The sex was always wonderful, and our dates started getting more and more romantic/couple orientated: going to movies, Farmer Markets on weekends, making dinner at my or her house together, long weekend drives, slow dancing together in my house to The Beatles, etc. There were a couple times where I felt like she was going to tell me she loved me.

 

She is much more reserved with her emotions/past than me. I always told her that whenever she’s ready to share anything I’m here to listen. The past few times we hung out she started opening up regarding her ex-boyfriend (they dated over three-years), and she told me that he was controlling (emotionally and physically) on top of also being quite immature for his age. She mentioned to me that she really appreciated how respectful I am towards her and that she was not expecting to meet anyone like me. One night while talking on the phone together, I nonchalantly mentioned that I was not seeing/talking to anyone else and she told me she was doing the same. We continued to talk and date up until a couple of weeks ago.

 

We hung out a little over two-weeks ago, and it was without a doubt our best date. She continued opening up about what she went through with her ex, I just tried my best to listen, and that whole night was really good. A couple days later she randomly texted saying “she didn’t expect me to be exclusive with her” and her life is busy so it’s not fair to me. I was extremely confused because I did not sense there was anything wrong, I told her I did not mind giving her space and slowing things down. I did not hear anything from her for nearly a week until she texted stating she’s “jaded and uncommittable”, I never replied and figured it was about time to start No Contact. I’m currently on day-five of No Contact (I’m doing this for myself...not trying to “win” her back or anything), and to be completely honest I’m emotionally exhausted trying to figure out what the heck happened.

 

I’m curious if anyone has any advice or has gone through something similar? I’m very confused on what happened, so any advice/insight is greatly appreciated. I apologize for the wordiness; I’m not used to writing in first-person.

[RecentChange]

I know that there are some that will disagree with my perspective, but...

 

It's her not you.

 

She spent three years with a controlling guy. For whatever reason her picker was broken and she invited someone unhealthy into her life, and then stayed with him for three years.

 

In my point of view, that's a lot of baggage to unpack, and I am not just talking about the unhealthy relationship, that's the tip of the iceberg. The reasons why she got into, and stayed in such a relationship are the real hurdles. That's the kind of stuff that usually traces back to early childhood experiences.

 

Who knows what happened. Perhaps the relationship started to get too serious and due to her prior bad choices she has no faith in her choices now.

 

Maybe she met someone else and it was easiest to say it's me not you.

 

It's crappy to have the rug pulled out from under you like that - but in the end it sounds like she isn't ready.

[Foxhall]

as regards the ex-boyfriend one can only guess what type of psychological hold he still has over her,

it is possible he is back in the picture,

 

or the previous bad experience is giving her doubts about moving on with you.

 

I can understand your frustration, personally I would make a play to meet with her and talk get it all out on the table ,

 

you might have to work towards a longer aim,be prepared to give her space, settle for being friends for now, but remain in the picture,

I would be all for meeting and talking though as opposed to no contact based on your description of the connection between you.

Edited September 9, 2019 by Foxhall

[elaine567]

My guess all that opening up about her ex, made her realise she was not ready to date seriously again.

She raked up the past and it upset her.

Either because it likely brought back bad memories or she realised she still loved him, or she realised you were not "the one". or she was worried history would repeat...

Abusive guys are not abusive 24/7, sometimes early dating is idyllic, and it is that apparently perfect man, that can hook a woman. She may put with dog's abuse, in the hope that that perfect man, the "real him". will make a reappearance... she loves him despite all..

 

Some abused women are addicted to drama and chaos, due usually to FOO issues, so are not really satisfied in a normal loving relationship. You as her rescuer may feel that as you are so much better than her ex, she will be happier with you, but it as you are finding, it may not work out like that.

[fromheart]

Personally I would say whatever and forget about her. If someone can't be bothered to communicate in an adult fashion, I don't waste time on what went wrong. And 'jaded and unncommittal,' is a turn off. Sounds like a nutter. 'Super busy, not fair to me,' I'd thank her for the warning and wish her a happy life.

 

Really best to call it a day at comments like that. It lacks self respect, to be further pursuing anything with a someone coming out with this nonsense.

 

As for a date listening to her going on about her ex... Yawn.

 

Maybe she just needs a fling after her ex, maybe she needs a useless BF like her ex. Some people do, why I don't know. There's obviously an attractive quality to complete idiots, as the idiot gene is prevalent in the human race.

 

But she's not communicating and bonding with you right now, so give her the gift of missing you.