Ideas on how to respond to these text messages ?

[Niceguy15]

Good Day Everyone,

 

So forgive me in advanced for writing such a long post, i would try not to leave out key details as this would help for you to have a better understanding as to what took place.

 

Iv'e Known this girl from school because we were doing the same degree, we exchanged numbers and after exams we began talking. While we were conversing she was already in a bi-sexual relationship.

 

Although she was already involved with someone, at that point in my life i wanted to be in a relationship and i totally fell for her because she was everything that i wanted, so i proceeded to ask her out to go see a movie just as friends, little did i know that the same time i asked, she had just broken up with her girlfriend.

 

Through comforting that same day, she agreed to go see a movie. We had a really great time and from their things began to grow. After a few more dates we became boyfriend and girlfriend and this was after 3 months of talking, things were perfect and their was not any type of drama or any type of negativity.

 

However those peaceful moments began changing because she was facing a lot of challenges with her family, her family would tell her that she's selfish, she's lazy etc, her family would kick her out of her own home for a few days and she would have to find somewhere to stay until things cooled down, even if it meant spending a night in work to avoid her family and go home the next day, what her family says isn't true because she takes very good care of her family, they didn't appreciate her enough and from these instances her self esteem began to drop because everyday she would be verbally abused and have to do everything in the household because everyone else was lazy and did nothing.

 

Her family would steal money from her, even though she hides it away, they would use her vehicle and not use their own money to put gas, they would take her gas money and through all of this working between jobs and coming home to such actions it was hard for her, her mother was sick and she still stayed to help take care of her.

 

Aside from family she has a blood condition that requires her getting blood donated every 2 months otherwise she could potentially die, she takes alot of different medication to help with her current state, she also works 3 jobs per day and goes to school in the night time, so on average every week she gets 4 hours or less per night (monday to friday).

 

Before i reach to the breakup part, everyday she would be depressed, 80% of the times i speak with her she would either say she's sick or she's in the hospital getting treatment for either anxiety, depression or chest pains . We would always get into arguments about me not spending enough time with her, sometime i would leave her alone during the day and check in during the evening to chat, during the evening i would usually spend 2-4 hours per day on average talking with her to make up for lost time during the day.

 

Sometimes when we go out to eat she would mostly handle the bills as she was employed and i was job less, so she would spare me from paying the bills, although at times i still would because in a relationship it goes both ways and all the strain should not be on one person at any point in time.

 

Throughout 4 months of dating she became a clingy girlfriend because of everything happening around her with her family, her friends and her jobs she wanted most to all of my time and attention which was very unrealistic because both of us had lives and we had things to do everyday, if i didn't arrange to meet her atleast once per week she would throw tantrums about me not caring for her, everyday i had to invest time and energy into re-assuring her that she was loved and cared for and that someone cares for her on this earth, because she would be suicidal, although we would chat and she would feel better, 5 hours later if someone yells at her she would need re assuring again and i would have to drop everything i'm doing to reassure her that i care.

 

It came a point in our relationship to relieve some of the stress and tension we ended up having sex, although the sex helped i stopped to think that our relationship was not healthy and I became tired of having to build her up all the time everyday and it seemed like she was not making any progress at all although she would say that progress is being made.

 

Her friends mostly had a more positive impact rather than me because for one instance she was going through something and i would invest the world of time and energy and effort into making her feel better but she wouldn't budge, and she would tell me and sometimes she would upload a whats app status showing how she spoke to someone and she was alot better. This was in a matter of one conversation with her friends and with me i spent days trying to get her to feel better, mainly it would take one argument to drag her back to square one after we spoke and she had encounters from elsewhere.

 

So i brokeup with her because my efforts were not helping and within the relationship their was no essence, during telling her why we broke up, i tried softening the blow by making myself look bad, the way her mind was at that time if i went at her in an attacking phase she would've hated herself beyond forgiveness and it would have totally destroyed her, so i made the blame on me to prevent her from doing self harm or prevent her from killing herself, both of us was not enjoying this relationship, although sometimes would be nice, most times were just bad and although i broke up with her before she would be suicidal and i would have to get back with her just to avoid anything bad from occuring.

 

it was an unhealthy and it was a toxic relationship to be in. After i left her i had to end up blocking her through social media, phone calls, text messages, everything because she was soo clingy that she wanted to kill herself for me not being there with her to hold her hand. Thank you for staying with me thus far this was part 1 im going to jump into part 2 now.

 

Part 2

 

After leaving her she became very depressed for approximately 4 months, she ended up in the hosptial because she did not know how to cope and her medical bills sky rocketed so this inturn got her parents even more worked up and everyone around her blamed me for what she was going through.

 

Although people around her were behaving this way, she still defended me because she knew deep down that i was not the cause. When she was on the verge of moving on and got better, a close friend of her's told her that God wants us to reconnect, and this is after a breakup and no contact for almost 6 months, i did no contact because deep down i knew she needed professional help and counselling and therapy and it was too early for us to start back talking because things might go back to the way it was.

 

Although i knew this i still reconnected because i was curious to know how she was and if she got better, she certainly did get better and was more self aware and she matured by force. While talking i told her that i did not want to play with her feelings and did not want the same events to re-occur like they did in the past.

 

i layed down the ground rules and although i did, i needed her help with a class assignment and from here this was my mistake because spending that alone time with her caused the feelings to re-manisfest and through time we were back to going out and back to progressing towards a relationship, we started back having sex alot more this time and although i told her im not ready for a relationship, she would still say things like "babe, or baby" what you want to do today etc. This is my current situation right now, i'm back with the same girl and i honestlly thought she had grown and matured but clearly i was wrong, Stay tuned for part 3.

 

Part 3 (The final phase)

 

Because she did not spend that quality time with herself or seek professional counselling or professional therapy she still has the same issues, fears and burdens buried within her. She had a history of participating in drugs smoking (weed), smoking ciggarrettes and alcohol in the past and she has been clean a few years but due to us having relationship issues she starts back every now and then to cope.

 

I have tried working with her by giving advice where i can, encouraging her to stop smoking and drinking, praying with her, investing alot of time and energy daily into seeing her get better, i encourgaed her to start going back to counselling, she had her second session yesterday and she says its helping but i know its not because she's not giving it an honest effort, she says she is but she has very low self esteem.

 

I'm basically trapped guys/girls and i don't know how to move on because if i do i'm afraid that she would do self harm and throw away her entire life, at the same time it hurts me being apart of a relationship with someone who is always depressed, anxious, nervous, low-self esteem and always needs re-assuring and building up.

 

I wanted to be in a relationship to be happy, not to have to be stressed out. Honestly speaking i'm drained of investing time and energy into someone that says they are getting better but really and truly they are not, it's taking a toll on me doing so because she's soo afraid of being alone that she's not spending that quality time in her own skin to be comfortable.

 

She has a history of being in non successful relationships, and even her friends walk out on her. She has a big heart and is always willing to help people but herself, So what do i do ? Any advice or opinions or options are appreciated, please be positive and give good responses, again sorry to be this long i have one more part to share and this was a message she left me last night and i did not respond to it as yet. I don't know how to respond to it, any ideas are appreciated, Thanks !

 

Message she left that i don't know how to respond to

 

Hey dude, so about today ik things are as you said fine, but I need to resolve at least my end. I truly thought you were mad about the pic cuz you used 'k', that's why I apologized, you know I don't like to hurt you but it seems that's all I do, at least on my end. As for what's going on with me, idk dude sometimes I feel like a burden in your eyes, like I'm this broken person you need to fix and that's keeping you back, yeah I'm working on myself and it takes time, some days are harder than some, it's not always like this I promise. I ask if you okay and we okay out of common courtesy it's like routine for me, not from insecurity but to make sure things good on your end. Truly I wish I can fix myself with a snap of the finger but sadly it don't work so, and I don't want to put on a mask and pretend things are going well for me when it's not. I wish I could be like ***** or another normal girl who is easy to love and deal with but I'm not, I'm broken, idk if or when I'll be fixed, I just wish I could be easily happy like everybody else and not have to put my partner through this, so with that being said you can walk away from me if I'm causing too much stress in your life. I won't hate or blame you. You deserve someone who is as perfect as you and easy to deal with. That's how I feel from my standpoint anyways, it doesn't reflect your feeling and pls don't be mad at me or hate me, this is me trying to fix things and be better

 

In closing along with the message she sent an image and this is what it says

 

if your going to fall in love with me, here are some of the things you should know beforehand, i cry often, whether its during a movie, a sad song on the radio, or a regular sunday morning, i'll cry even when i speak of things that have hurt me even if they no longer hurt anymore. i am afraid of being left alone and i am afraid of not being good enough. i will tell you the ways in which i hate myself and not believe a single word you say when you disagree with each and every reason, you can tell me you love me countless times but i will still be afraid of you leaving me. Dont blame yourself. i have to expect the worst, because i always get the worst. when i fall in love with you, i will love each crack in your skin and every freckle of light in your eyes. i will fall in love with the way you look while your sleeping and the way your mouth curves when you say my name. i can be difficult to love but for me loving you will always be so easy. All i ask is that you dont give up on me, and in return, i will never give up on you and i will love you with my entire heart, and if one day you decide to leave, i will still think highly of you, i will still remember the kind hearted person you are

Edited September 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[smackie9]

The only one that knows is her. Tell her you don't understand and need clarification.

[preraph]

She sounds very self-absorbed. I would leave it to her to spend this time sorting herself out, hopefully with professional help. Doesn't seem ready for a relationship, and the tone is trying to get you to sign up for whatever she decides to pull, unconditionally.

 

I would pull back being involved with her.

[basil67]

Niceguy, you'll probably get more responses once the mods have been in and put some paragraph breaks in.

 

My take on the situation: She knows she's a mess. She knows that the relationship isn't meeting your needs and she's offering you an out. Given how overwhelming it's been to support her and that it's not the kind of relationship you want anyway, I think that you should acknowledge that her points are all valid and take the opportunity to move on.

[preraph]

Better now while she's got some psychological support than to put it off and it becomes a setback for her.

[Foxhall]

dont think I fancy reading all that:rolleyes:

[justwhoiam]

Hi Niceguy,

 

 

She was not in a bisexual relationship, she was in a homosexual relationship before being with you, or more precisely, in a lesbian relationship. Bisexual just refers to being attracted to both sexes (males and females).

 

 

Message she left that i don't know how to respond to

Hey dude

Not even calling you by your name? Hmm.

 

 

I would answer as follows:

Hi (insert name),

I'm glad you won't hold it against me. We're not trying to fix a marriage, we're both at a stage in life when we can fix our own things and find our real match. No one is perfect, I'm not looking for perfection, but I don't feel we complete each other. It'd be a very unbalanced and unhealthy relationship. I wish you the best.