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Don't know what to say

spiderowl

By spiderowl,
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spiderowl

spiderowl

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hello and sorry to call upon your collective wisdom yet again. I am stuck with an awkward problem.

 

As some of you know, I have been seeing a guy on and off that I am uncertain about. The reasons are varied but I am mulling things over in case I am just not giving him a chance. He seems well-meaning and open to discussing some things but I know I have been evasive and difficult with him so I cannot expect him to invest much in someone in that situation. He has made efforts to see me, going as far as to pop in at work. This is not so weird as it sounds as he visits a place near there regularly. However, while we have had planned meetings before while at work, I was not delighted to have it sprung on me.

 

Anyway, all that aside, we have got close on occasions and I do think things could develop (with some adjustment) and we are both just used to being on our own. But, I am finding his personal hygiene is not what I would like. He meets me and has not washed hair for a while, does not seem to have brushed teeth (and I notice) and is generally what we call here a man's man, not too concerned about such things. He does not like if I need time to get ready to meet him because he feels we should just be ourselves. Nevertheless, I stick to what I feel comfortable with.

 

After another meeting where I really did not feel I wanted to be close to him because, well, I didn't like the way he was smelling, I have decided I need to end this 'non relationship'. I don't want to hurt him. I doubt he's aware what is putting me off and I really do not want to have to tell him to pay more attention to personal hygiene. He is not into what I would call nice-smelling things because they are not natural, not that they can take the place of basic washing and tooth-brushing anyway. I just feel really fed up, annoyed, and stuck. I have to get out of this situation but do not want to hurt him.

 

Is it more hurtful to tell him we are 'not compatible' or to risk telling him he needs to pay more attention to personal hygiene? Either way, he is not going to be pleased and why should I have to deal with that? It is not my fault. Maybe I am just avoiding confronting him but I am not seeking a partner because I want to end up in these kinds of situations; I am looking for peace, love and happiness! It is fair to just fade out and leave him wondering why I've given up?

 

This has been on my mind since we last met. I know he would like this to develop but I just can't. It's a shame because I am physically attracted to this guy but he seems clueless as to what women need. The last guy I dated always smelled really nice so I know it is not just me being over-sensitive.

Edited by spiderowl
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Rayce

Rayce

Posted
Posted

You don't owe him any type of explanation. I have dropped guys before because of the way they smell. Too much cologne or coming to see me right from smelly work... just to name a couple.

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JEG88

JEG88

Posted
Posted

If he is already this lazy to make himself more presentable for you, imagine what kind of effort (or lack thereof) this guy would put into a potential relationship if you were to move forward. Not a great start for sure.

 

Just tell him you're not feeling it any more, and that you should go your separate ways.

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I'veseenbetterlol

I'veseenbetterlol

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Hygiene is a BIG deal for me. You are not compatible and don't feel bad about that. I really liked a guy from class. He came to a party after the gym and not showering. That turned me off completely. Tell him its not working out. If he keeps pressing, block his number.

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chillii

chillii

Posted
Posted (edited)

YEah exactly what l was thinking.

l mean how do you feel about this guy apart from that , if it's any thing special and long term then why wouldn't you tell him.

He might work on it and then all will be well.

 

 

ps, l had to tell my woman about her garlic thing. l felt bad but stinking the bedroom out kinda got a bit rough to cope with after awhile.

Edited by chillii
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Foxhall

Foxhall

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Could you say it in a joking banter way- "for crying out loud did you forget to shower and shave today"

disappointing though that a guy would not present himself in the best possible way,

 

if you were to be ever compatible, being able to get everything all out on the table would be a requirement,

 

so maybe go with the direct approach and see how he reacts.

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salparadise

salparadise

Posted
Posted

No, don't say that. It would be tactless. If you must give a reason use one of the several others that you've been mulling over. Otherwise, just say that you aren't feeling it anymore or that you don't think you're compatible. The truth is this is one of many reservations, so choose one that's more palatable. Women never tell the real reason, so why should you be so brutally honest?

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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Posted

Hygiene is important. I could not be with somebody who didn't bathe & brush their teeth. It's one thing maybe on a camping trip of if the power was out after a hurricane or something but to regularly skip those things -- just gross.

 

Is it more hurtful to tell him we are 'not compatible' or to risk telling him he needs to pay more attention to personal hygiene?

 

It depends. If you just want to be done tell him it's not working. If you want to give him a chance to change, tell him the specifics. He may not want to change. He may try for a little while then fall back on old bad habits. You must be sensitive & diplomatic when you address this very personal issue with him.

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schlumpy

schlumpy

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I just don't see in my mind how you doing any type of confrontation with this guy over hygiene will not be an impediment to a future relationship. If you want to clue him in, then you will have to use a backdoor strategy.

 

He will have to be told by one of your friends or one of his friends. You need a co-conspirator who can give him dating advice.

 

Have someone send an anonymous gift to him containing shower gel, shampoo, cologne, etc..... Watch for one of these special men kits at the cosmetics store. Clinique has them once in a while. That would be a difficult message to ignore.

 

Tie a bar of soap on the rearview mirror of his vehicle.

 

There are people in this world that won't use colognes or deodorants. They are attempting to live a natural, chemical free existence. Find out if he is one them.

 

He's going to regret not brushing his teeth. No real solution for that.

 

Other than a direct confrontation you will have to end it by using a frowny face.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I once broke up with someone when I found out he hardly ever brushed his teeth. He paid the same amount of attention to his home as well.

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preraph

preraph

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Posted

Do him a big favor and tell him he needs to take a shower once or twice a day and brush his teeth twice a day and use deodorant. He will be humiliated, but it will possibly fix him for the future and do him a big favor. I mean, how can he even keep a job?

 

 

Easier to just walk away. Surely some of his buddies have told him, Man, you smell.

 

If he pops up at work tell them to say you are in a meeting.

 

Even if you told him because that was all you found wrong with him, it says something about him that he does the minimum (or not even that) so he'd likely revert right back to it once he got comfortable in a relationship. Eww..

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Watercolors

Watercolors

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Anyway, all that aside, we have got close on occasions and I do think things could develop (with some adjustment) and we are both just used to being on our own. But, I am finding his personal hygiene is not what I would like. He meets me and has not washed hair for a while, does not seem to have brushed teeth (and I notice) and is generally what we call here a man's man, not too concerned about such things. He does not like if I need time to get ready to meet him because he feels we should just be ourselves. Nevertheless, I stick to what I feel comfortable with.

 

 

That right there. Evidence you two are not compatible for a relationship to work.

 

I'm with Schlumpy on this: frowny face break up text time.

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SumGuy

SumGuy

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Posted
....

Is it more hurtful to tell him we are 'not compatible' or to risk telling him he needs to pay more attention to personal hygiene? Either way, he is not going to be pleased and why should I have to deal with that? ....

 

 

Saying you are not compatible is true (you both really do have a different view of hygiene; and for the record I'm with you even though I prefer natural products/lifestyle). If you get into his hygiene it could devolve into him defending or calling you shallow (you're not). It is also more hurtful. You are not his counselor, therapist or life coach, it is not your job to improve/change him for future dating.

 

 

I'm not sure where you live but in the US washing your hair regularly and brushing your teeth at least twice a day is basic.

 

 

You should not have to deal with him being upset except the basic courtesy of breaking up face to face if safe to do so. He really needs to be able to accept it, even if he does not like it. If he is really into being a mans man then he should man up and accept it.

He also needs to accept you don't want to go into details or talk about it, that is rarely a good idea. It may be fair though if he asks you if there is someone else and you can assure him there is not.

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preraph

preraph

Posted
Posted

"He does not like if I need time to get ready to meet him because he feels we should just be ourselves."

 

This is lazy loser mentality if ever I've seen it. I'm sure his employers wish he wouldn't be so natural at work. Kick this guy to the curb. By this comment, I think he already knows how lazy he is and never plans on changing it. He's lucid about it, so there's really no hope at all. Gross. Block him.

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smackie9

smackie9

Posted
Posted

You can say it like this: "Sorry but I don't think we are compatible, and shouldn't see each other anymore." He obviously ask why, then you say "I'm not into your natural ways/lifestyle". He will ask "what do you mean by that? You come out with it, with, "I appreciate a man that makes an effort in his appearance and wears some nice cologne. You know, wants to set a good impression."

 

 

BTW I'm pretty sure other people have told him about his hygiene many times...I doubt he is oblivious to it.

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elaine567

elaine567

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Posted

What usually happens is that you tell him his hygiene is poor and if he doesn't end it right away feeling mortified, he will take it on board shower a lot and brush his teeth and a while later you will find he is again not showering or brushing his teeth...

He is a grown man, hygiene is not important to him, else he would have sorted that all out in HS.

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alphamale

alphamale

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Posted
You can say it like this: "Sorry but I don't think we are compatible, and shouldn't see each other anymore." He obviously ask why, then you say "I'm not into your natural ways/lifestyle". He will ask "what do you mean by that? You come out with it, with, "I appreciate a man that makes an effort in his appearance and wears some nice cologne. You know, wants to set a good impression."

 

come on smackie….she's not gonna say that to him

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The Outlaw

The Outlaw

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Posted

Say nothing. He'll have to find out for himself. But if he wasn't willing to at least clean up, he wasn't worth investing in anything serious with anyway. It takes two to make a relationship work, and he wasn't very willing. But keep trying, Spiderowl.

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smackie9

smackie9

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Posted
come on smackie….she's not gonna say that to him

I would. No shame in that. but hey the OP came here for ideas....the rest is up to her.

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smackie9

smackie9

Posted
Posted
^ takes a bath. Nothing worse than cologne over BO.

That is what I meant about a man that "makes effort on his appearance" ....bathing, shaving, washing his hair, nails trimmed and spotless, clean clothes, being presentable. If he can't figure that out he's a tool.

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Ruby Slippers

Ruby Slippers

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I'd only mention it if you can find a very tactful way to say it. I like to be direct with people, but most people don't respond to criticism very well at all, can even strike back with their own commentary, no matter how well-intended you are.

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