Feels like this girl is trying to hurt me on purpose.

[ogleabs]

I just need one person to try and tell me if there's a good reason this girl is acting the way she is.

 

-- We have a long history and friendship. Over 10 years. We were never great friends, just casual acquaintences. We didn't become close/romantic until this year though.

 

-- She got out of a verbally and physically abusive relationship about a year ago. The abuser actually ended it with her, though.

 

-- Most of this Spring was spent being very confused by this girl. Hot and cold, actions not matching words, etc. We would hook up and then she would stop talking to me for days/weeks at a time. I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time so it was OK.

 

-- We eventually became very good friends and for about a month there that's all we were. It was nice. There was no romantic pressure. Just two people really enjoying spending time together.

 

-- Due to the new closeness, actual romantic feeling developed between both of us (I think).

 

-- A few weeks ago I finally said that we should get out of the gray area and go out on an actual date. With real intentions. To see how if it felt right or not. She seemed really happy about it and agreed. We scheduled it.

 

-- The next morning I woke up to a text from her saying that she wasn't ready to date, she didn't think she would be for a long time, and she didn't see us as more than friends but she wanted to keep the friendship if possible. She apologized for changing her mind.

 

-- I was bummed but responded nicely, thanking her for her honesty. I knew I needed to take a few weeks of no contact to move forward with the intent of hopefully being able to go back to being just friends without the feelings.

 

-- She was texting me a lot during this time. I responded and was always nice, but I was much more short and took longer to reply than i used to. I felt good about the friendship in the future though.

 

-- Back in the Spring, we had bought tix for a concert this Friday. She texted me on Friday asking how I was, and asking if we were still good to go to the show together. I told her yeah, and that I was looking forward to it.

 

-- I traveled for work over the weekend and through today. Last night (Tuesday) as I was going to bed pretty late (2am), I saw that she had just posted a FB status announcing that she was selling her concert ticket to whomever wanted to buy it. We had not talked since Friday, when she asked me to go, and everything after that seemed normal.

 

-- Shortly after that (2:30am) my friend sent me a screenshot of her Instagram story (I muted her so I wouldn't see her stuff). She posted the words "Good luck to my guy friends who only 'cared' because they wanted a date. #Go****Yourself"

 

-- I was pretty shocked by this. The last time we talked everything seemed fine. It really feels like she's upset that I am not giving her as much attention as I did before she rejected me.

 

-- My plan today was to pretend that I didn't see the posts and text her about the our Friday pre-game plans. She never responded. 6 hours later, I tried calling her and left a voicemail just saying "hey! Call me when you're free, I wanna chat with you."

 

-- Spoiler alert: She never called back either.

 

I have no idea what changed to make her think I only cared about dating her. And no responding to my text calls feels like something she's doing specifically to hurt me. And yes, it's working.

 

I have no idea how to talk to her now. I guess I need to find someone else to go with. But man, this came out of nowhere and I am obsessing about what I could have done to make her feel this way. Worth noting that she deleted the IG story a few hours later, which means she was probably drunk when she posted it.

 

I really feel like she's just mad that I don't text her everyday like I used to, and have been much more casual than romantic with her since she rejected me.

[basil67]

Do you know for 100% sure that her previous relationship was physically and emotionally abusive? Given her behaviour with you, I have reason to doubt her story. Prepare yourself for the risk that she may tell others that she left you because you were abusive too.

 

Unfortunately, you may not be able to take someone else to the concert if she's sold her ticket.

[Mrin]

She sounds unstable. I think you dodged a bullet.

[Blind-Sided]

Do you know for 100% sure that her previous relationship was physically and emotionally abusive?

 

Bingo !!!

 

 

If you listened to only my ex's story... I was a monster, and beat her and the kids all the time... I wouldn't let her go out of the house... and kept her a slave. (She used that to get a lot of help) The reality is, I've never touched her, I've never verbally put her down, I made sure she had everything she ever asked for... and I told her all the time to get a hobby, and go out with friends. But... as with the woman you are starting to see... emotionally, she was all over the map now.

 

 

If I was you... I would simply back away.

[schlumpy]

Basil67 offers a good explanation. My thoughts are along the same line except that I think she was the one who was abusive in her last relationship which is what got her dumped.

 

You need to move her to the outside of your social circle.

[stillafool]

She sounds like a nut. Don't chase after her but let her go and save yourself. There are others out there to date.

[elaine567]

You were in the casual acquaintance zone. you upped it to close friends, then you wanted to date her...

 

Bad idea.

You got her to lower her guard by pretending to be her friend and then you tell her you just want to get into her knickers...

Hence the ""Good luck to my guy friends who only 'cared' because they wanted a date. #Go****Yourself"

She trusted you, you betrayed her trust. Women often feel deceived by guys who pretend to be friends, then ask for a date...

 

People who have been abused are usually all over the place mentally and emotionally so she is right, she is in no place to date.

Leave her alone.

[OatsAndHall]

You were in the casual acquaintance zone. you upped it to close friends, then you wanted to date her...

 

Bad idea.

You got her to lower her guard by pretending to be her friend and then you tell her you just want to get into her knickers...

Hence the ""Good luck to my guy friends who only 'cared' because they wanted a date. #Go****Yourself"

She trusted you, you betrayed her trust. Women often feel deceived by guys who pretend to be friends, then ask for a date...

 

People who have been abused are usually all over the place mentally and emotionally so she is right, she is in no place to date.

Leave her alone.

 

 

I would agree with you but they were physically intimate before they became "close friends". In fact, it appears as if this is how the initial relationship started; they slept together and then gradually grew closer.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think she's out to intentionally hurt you. I think she is a seriously broken person who doesn't know what's up.

 

You didn't just care to get a date. You cared then developed feelings. She is too self absorbed right now to see past her own pain.

 

She needs to be out of your life but she deserves your pity not your hatred.

[Gretchen12]

You have known her for over 10 years, whereas I only have this one post to go on. It seems this was out of character for her (or else you'd have mentioned a history of this?), I would say wait it out. Let her have time to regret what she did, then let it go. Don't discard someone you've known over 10 years over one incident.

 

Contact her or see who shows up Friday. When you are back on speaking terms, still try to talk to her and tell her why you've been contacting her less. It was not to punish her but to reset your own feelings. These things need to be said.

[elaine567]

I would agree with you but they were physically intimate before they became "close friends". In fact, it appears as if this is how the initial relationship started; they slept together and then gradually grew closer.

 

I didn't read "hook up" as sex here, since she was so indignant about him asking for the "date", but you could be right.

[smackie9]

Bad idea.

You got her to lower her guard by pretending to be her friend and then you tell her you just want to get into her knickers...

Hence the ""Good luck to my guy friends who only 'cared' because they wanted a date. #Go****Yourself"

She trusted you, you betrayed her trust. Women often feel deceived by guys who pretend to be friends, then ask for a date...

 

This^^^^ is exactly what I was thinking. I have been in her shoes a few times... the guy getting all butt-hurt, mad walking away, pouting, being a crying baby, accused me of leading them on, going cold, sulking, yadda yadda yadda.

 

 

 

OP if you were honest with her, that how you feel about her was unexpected, and you will find it difficult to carry on with a close friendship at this time. Sealed it up with a nice bow, and she could have just carried on peacefully.

[basil67]

Interesting angle Elaine, you might be onto something.

[kendahke]

I really feel like she's just mad that I don't text her everyday like I used to, and have been much more casual than romantic with her since she rejected me.

 

Well she's the one who didn't want to be a girlfriend, so she doesn't get girlfriend perks--that's not hard to figure out, unless you're a selfish, manipulative cow. She uses passive aggressive tactics of posting her "displeasure" on instagram instead of talking to you about it like an adult she's known for 10 years. What she did is what immature teenagers do, not grown women.

Edited August 15, 2019 by kendahke

[Ruby Slippers]

She sounds crazy. You won't get anywhere with a crazy person.

[elaine567]

She sounds crazy.

Of course she is "crazy", she is only a year out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship...

Abusive relationships damage people.

[ogleabs]

This^^^^ is exactly what I was thinking. I have been in her shoes a few times... the guy getting all butt-hurt, mad walking away, pouting, being a crying baby, accused me of leading them on, going cold, sulking, yadda yadda yadda.

 

This is not at all what happened. We were acquaintences that saw each other a few times a year for 9.5 years. We were FB friends that would say hello to each other at events. That's it. She made the first move about six months ago by inviting me over after a party we were at, long before I knew anything about the abusive relationship.

 

After getting out of the rebound relationship I was in with her (after I learned about the abusive dbag she was with), we were able to become actually good friends and got to know each other. We even went on a six day (platonic) road trip together. As we actually started to actually learn about each other, real romantic feelings started to develop on both sides (she told me this on the night she agreed to go out with me). Different than just the hookup/FWB feelings we had before.

 

It wasn't long after that I told her we should just try dating to see if it feels right. And like I said, she agreed at first before changing her mind.

 

There was no "butt hurt, mad walking away, pouting" etc. I don't even know where you got that.

[smackie9]

This is not at all what happened. We were acquaintences that saw each other a few times a year for 9.5 years. We were FB friends that would say hello to each other at events. That's it. She made the first move about six months ago by inviting me over after a party we were at, long before I knew anything about the abusive relationship.

 

After getting out of the rebound relationship I was in with her (after I learned about the abusive dbag she was with), we were able to become actually good friends and got to know each other. We even went on a six day (platonic) road trip together. As we actually started to actually learn about each other, real romantic feelings started to develop on both sides (she told me this on the night she agreed to go out with me). Different than just the hookup/FWB feelings we had before.

 

It wasn't long after that I told her we should just try dating to see if it feels right. And like I said, she agreed at first before changing her mind.

 

There was no "butt hurt, mad walking away, pouting" etc. I don't even know where you got that.

I made a list of what I went through in that situation, not accusing you of being all those things...I did mention "distant" in my list did I not? You admitted you distanced yourself, started giving her short answers messaging, pulled back, etc.

 

The thing is you treated her one way, then when she reneged on your suggestion you went the other way. You may not have "used" friendship to get with her, but it did look that way to her....possibly experienced it before like I have, and like many other women have.

 

Anywho you can clear things up by telling her exactly how you feel and see if that will calm her down. Of you can just run the other way and be done with it.

[spiderowl]

I can understand her feeling hurt if a friend pulled away because she did not want to date. That happens though and most women have experienced it. She cannot really expect that a friendship would continue as normal in that situation.

 

That aside, her behaviour is aggressive. She asked if you were ok to go to the gig and then does something as public as putting her ticket up for sale. Even if she knew you were not following all her social media, it is a pretty 'in-your-face' thing to do. My feeling is that she has a tendency to react with aggression and that was one reason she ended up in an abusive relationship.

 

She has been hurtful to you. What you do now is up to you but do you consider this kind of behaviour acceptable? If not, you can either tell her that and see what she says, ignore it altogether and leave her to it, or dump her as friend. Bear in mind, though, that this is probably how she ended up in an abusive relationship - by provoking a reaction. This is a very provocative thing to do. She is obviously trying to get a rise out of you. If you do not want to end up in a combative relationship, then keep away from her. She needs therapy to avoid repeating her past mistakes and to help her get over the previous relationship.

Edited August 17, 2019 by spiderowl

[C_daver]

Hi mate!

 

I'm going through a similar situation, I posted an essay about it myself so if I can help someone else and stop them feeling like rubbish I'm more than happy to attempt!

 

Always better to get the opinion on someone from the outside looking in. To me it sounds like she's a very confused woman, in regards to what she wants from life. Again I have been in your situation where people say you need to cut your losses but it's not always that easy if you have feelings/hold out hope it can work.

 

Have you tried sitting her down for a coffee and going through how you feel and what you think? The only way (if there is a way) for this to work will be for you to air everything on how you feel and what you want - if it doesnt work at least you will know you tried and then the best thing to do would be NC till you're over her!

 

Good luck buddy and if you can keep me posted on how it all turns out!

[fellowsojourner]

Sounds like she really took offense to your pulling away. Sounds like she has some issues, as do we all, and you will need to realize that. The nice thing is that you guys aren't married with kids.. : ) that would be much more complicated. Maybe just have sit down with her and tell her your thoughts and let her know that you needed some space to allow time for your emotions to settle. Honesty is a good option.

[preraph]

She's just been rebounding and wanting attention, but now that she thinks you actually want to be her boyfriend, she's backing off because she's not interested in doing that. She is impulsive. She's probably mad at herself as much as you. Thing is, she doesn't want anything like a lasting romantic relationship with you.

 

And she's impulsive and chaotic, not someone ready for a relationship, a serious one.

[olivetree]

Is there any chance she didn't receive your message saying that you were up for the concert with her, so she felt you ignored her and lashed out?

 

Or did she respond to your confirmation that you were still going?

[The Outlaw]

Whether drunk or not when she posted that story, you dodged a bullet.

[ChatroomHero]

I agree with what has been posted earlier, I find women that tell me all about how they were "abused" and their ex was sooo terrible, usually after a while I find out the real story, the other side, because I witness it in person.

 

 

They say they were abused and usually leave out how they themselves behaved terribly. They run hot and cold and blame their ex for not knowing how to deal with it. They are passive aggressive if not aggressive, but blame their ex for reacting. Basically the women I have met that say their ex was abusive, usually turn out to be the most frustrating, flakey, hot and cold, inconsiderate people. As soon as they are done with you, you become the new "abusive ex", much the same she did with the concert tickets and her post. In short, you're the bad guy because you were interested in her, she was not interested, and you didn't just jump to the good buddy back up role and be the sexless friend that becomes her emotional tampon.

 

 

Frankly if I am friends with a girl and she wants more and I don't, I would never expect us to really stay good buddies. Once that line is crossed, I am smart enough to know what it feels like to be "friends" with someone you are really interested in.

 

 

The whole selling the ticket behind your back after confirming you are going, is frankly a really crappy thing to do and reflects on her character. Likely she did passive aggressive things to her ex, I doubt her character suddenly changed. That's who she is and I bet if you talked to her ex, he would say things that you would say, "Yup, exactly what she did to me". The fact he dumped her speaks volumes. Every time I dated a supposed "abused" woman (where there wasn't much indication of abuse other than what SHE said), I eventually heard from friends or even the exes themselves the problems they had and each time it mirrored what I saw in person. Something would happen where she was just totally disrespectful or in the wrong and I'd talk to a friend and they'd tell me a story about how she did the exact same thing with ex #1 and ex #2. Once I saw there was a pattern, all of her "abuse" stories seemed to make more sense if I applied her behavior to them and looked at it from the ex's perspective.

 

 

Face it, she wasn't really a friend. She was keeping you in her orbit so that validation floated around her all the time. She had no problems knowing you were interested but firmly planting you in the friend zone. When you tried to escape her orbit by backing away a bit, she erupted. Instead of understanding that when you tell someone, "Let's be friends", it hurts them and being around you is difficult and makes them sad, she discards you and puts you on blast.

 

 

You dodged a bullet. She is not really a friend. Move on.