He does not text or call

[sadpanda3]

So as stated in the thread title, the guy I've been seeing doesnt text or call, unless for planing dates. Which was alright until recently, because we could see each other regularly. I've temporarily relocated to another city for 6 weeks. I've been gone for 2 and in that time he hasn't reached out to me once, unless I was the one initiating.

 

I'm so disapointed with the lack of contact that I want to break it of. I don't want to be with someone who thinks its normal to go weeks without communicating.... I feel like he doesnt care about me. He was supposed to come and visit me and already booked his flight. It is non refundable.

 

I don't know, am I overreacting? I'm worried Im acting impulsively and might regret the decision. It might also be a bit of a ****ty thing to do because of the flight....Im super upset though.

[d0nnivain]

Why don't you just ask him if he can call at least once a week while you are away? If you ask for something specific in a relationship you should get it. You aren't asking for the moon here.

[sadpanda3]

Why don't you just ask him if he can call at least once a week while you are away? If you ask for something specific in a relationship you should get it. You aren't asking for the moon here.

 

It makes me feel pathetic to have to ask for a phone call.

[d0nnivain]

I had to ask my husband to send me a birthday card; then I had to teach him how to address & sign the card.

 

People are not mind readers. If you want something speak up.

[Watercolors]

sadpanda, there's nothing pathetic about asking your relationship partner for something like calling once a week.

 

What I don't understand is why he'd go silent on you like that. Did you know he already booked his flight to visit you before you left town? Or are you assuming he's already booked his flight?

 

If two people are in a relationship and one temporarily relocates out of town for work, it's common sense to expect the regular communication to continue despite the distance. I would expect him to call me if I were in your shoes, AND I'd be pissed off if he just left me hanging for two weeks. Although, I wouldn't let his silence go on that long before I'd call to touch base with him.

 

At this point, your best move is to call him. Tell him how his 2 weeks of silence has made you feel. Don't play the text game. This requires a phone call.

 

If he's coming to visit you, you also need to confirm that is still happening despite this two weeks of silence.

 

Give him a call. That's the only way you'll solve the mystery of the silent boyfriend.

[kendahke]

So as stated in the thread title, the guy I've been seeing doesnt text or call, unless for planing dates. Which was alright until recently, because we could see each other regularly. I've temporarily relocated to another city for 6 weeks. I've been gone for 2 and in that time he hasn't reached out to me once, unless I was the one initiating.

 

I'm so disapointed with the lack of contact that I want to break it of. I don't want to be with someone who thinks its normal to go weeks without communicating.... I feel like he doesnt care about me. He was supposed to come and visit me and already booked his flight. It is non refundable.

 

I don't know, am I overreacting? I'm worried Im acting impulsively and might regret the decision. It might also be a bit of a ****ty thing to do because of the flight....Im super upset though.

 

Wait until you're not super upset to have a talk because it could end up being the last talk you two have.

 

Have you ever said anything to him about what you need from him?

 

If so, what did he say?

 

If not, why not?

 

He's not a mind reader--and if it's already in his nature to not text/phone and you've been ok with that, then you have two options: speak up and tell him what you need and see if he'll arse himself or keep it to yourself, drive up your blood pressure and cortisol levels and be the "silent irate".

[kendahke]

It makes me feel pathetic to have to ask for a phone call.

 

and how do you think you will feel when your anger drives you to go off on him and he ends things with you?

 

You'll feel a lot worse than pathetic at that unforced error.

[sadpanda3]

I know he booked, I'm not assuming.

 

I did tell him how I felt after a week, nothing really changed though.

 

I do agree I need to calm down first.

[ExpatInItaly]

He doesn't sound overly interested, OP.

 

How long have you been seeing each other?

[kendahke]

I did tell him how I felt after a week, nothing really changed though.

 

Then nothing is going to change and you have to decide if this is a character trait you can live with or not---and if not, then you need to consider ending it.

 

He already knows how you feel and what you want and it's not enough to move him to act differently and take you and your needs into consideration, so more talking is really pointless, unless you like hearing the sound of your own voice.

 

It's time for action--and that means you stop sweating him over not contacting you and just observe for the next 4 weeks that you have to be where you are. See how often he arses himself to initiate contact first.

 

When you get back, if his tune hasn't changed, then you know he's over whatever you think you have with him.

[BaileyB]

While I’m all for telling someone what you want in a relationship and not expecting them just to know, I do not think that you should have to tell your boyfriend to text/call when you are out of town for two weeks.

 

The fact that he hasn’t done so is really telling, in my humble opinion. If it’s the same guy, your previous posts also indicate a man with a lukewarm attachment and a woman who is desperate to keep him.

 

Be careful here. I am really doubtful that this is going to be a long term relationship for you scarypanda.

Edited August 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[Gretchen12]

You call him a guy you've been "seeing". It all sounds very casual, when you look at how little contact there is between you. You don't have a relationship here. He is not your boyfriend and he's not expected to do what you ask.

 

Even if he's willing, he shouldn't call you for your sake. He should want to call you because he has something to share with you or he wants to know what's going on in your life. Without contact, what do you have? An occasional hook up or just hang out as friends?

 

I don't think you'll get rid of him out of frustration. I think you'll realize that with no contact, there is nothing there. It's empty. You can move on and he won't even know the difference.

 

For the upcoming trip, just make sure it's not just a booty call and he should not expect to stay with you. No contact means he's basically a stranger. Tell him to get a hotel.

[sadpanda3]

@Baylib: No its not the same guy.

 

And no its not a hook up situation. I don't think it would be fair to ghost and start seeing other people without breaking it off first.

[d0nnivain]

At present, with him not calling, this is over. The only way to possibly fix it is for sadpanda to call him. She has nothing to lose. If she calls, even if he confirms that this isn't working for him, at least she will know rather then continue to torture herself wondering. If she calls he may be happy to hear from her. Either way she should be able to rest easier because she will know she tried. Sitting around wringing her hands & being upset isn't helping so perhaps action will get her a more concrete answer.

[sadpanda3]

If she calls he may be happy to hear from her.

 

Actually he's always super warm and tells me he's happy to hear from me. He just doesn't initiate.

[d0nnivain]

So call him & ask him to call you once a week

[BaileyB]

So call him & ask him to call you once a week

 

You don’t even have to be so blunt. Tell him that you miss talking with him, so you want to set aside a time every week that you are both available to talk. Say, Sunday nights. Or Sunday and Wednesday night.

[Maggiemay1]

He has booked a flight to come see you!

I think that shows interest!

 

Are you texting him before he even gets a chance to initiate?

How often are you initiating contact?

[spiderowl]

I think I would cancel on him anyway. If he's not going to communicate with me regularly then what is the point? What kind of relationship is that? If he says anything, you say you had not heard from him so assumed he was not travelling to see you.

 

I would tell a family member to contact a woman regularly, because he has Asperger's and would not necessarily think to do this, but most guys should have some common sense about this.

 

A guy that cannot keep in touch with you is not going to be much support in a long-term relationship. Can't see the point, to be honest.