He asked for space to see if we are compatible!

[livinglife2019]

The guy I’ve been seeing for a few months asked me for space! We’ve had a few arguments over the last little while and while they haven’t been huge fights they have caused a few issues. I met his yesterday for a coffee and we had a chat. He lay everything out on the table and said he needed some space to think. He said I should use this time to think as well and see if he can give me what I need.

 

He was quite emotional throughout the entire thing, at one point when I came back from the bathroom I found him with tears in his eyes and could tell he was clearly upset. I asked him if was ok and he just said he was tired. I asked him point blank a few times if he wanted to break up and he said no or he didn’t know.

 

I’m really worried I messed this up with the arguments. He said he needed space to see if we where compatible and that maybe we could meet for dinner during the week.

 

He said he loved me and really cared for me and began to get visiblely upset. I really don’t know what to do. When we left he gave me a hug kissed me on the forehead and said he would ring me tomorrow. I spoke with my mother who gave me some tough love, so I sent him a message this morning saying I was sorry and that i would change my behavior and attitude. The fact is the reality of loosing him scared me to realize I do need to make some changes and that I understood that he needed space.

 

He replied saying he was happy to see I had a good long think and that we would chat soon followed by 2 xx I don’t know what to do now. I do love this guy and I really do want to make it work.

 

We are also meant to be going on holiday in 2 weeks time to Spain so I’m also wondering about that. What should I do? Is it the end? If not how long should I give him to make up his mind?

 

I would love any advice on this, I’m mad about this guy and he makes me so happy but my attitude did get in the way and I really do want to change for him.

[smackie9]

What was his issue with you? You a jealous cray cray gf that questioned him about things? Checking his phone and saw a message from a girl and went cray cray over it? What's the deal? What exactly you have to "change"?

[BaileyB]

If not how long should I give him to make up his mind?

 

He asked for space because he is reconsidering the relationship.

 

How long do you give him? As long as he needs... You have apologized and told him that you are ready to talk. Now wait, he will let you know when he is ready to talk. Don’t pressure him, don’t text him - show him that you respect him and you have self control by allowing him to take as much time a step he needs to think.

 

I too think your response will depend on what these things are that you need to change.

 

But if I may, when you talk - listen more than you talk. Apologize sincerely. Be prepared to come back with some things that you know are a problem, and how you plan to change your behavior.

 

Hope it works out for you.

Edited August 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[livinglife2019]

Tbh I kinda blew some of the arguments out of proportion with my dramatic side. Haven’t gone near his phone since that one time and I learned to more past my insecurities.

 

It’s just he’s a good guy, and I want a second chance. I didn’t cheat or lie. I don’t know what to do now! Should I ask him to give the relationship one more go or not! I will give him space to think but I can’t wait in limbo forever I think a few days should be long enough for him to decide

[BaileyB]

Should I ask him to give the relationship one more go or not! I will give him space to think but I can’t wait in limbo forever I think a few days should be long enough for him to decide

 

With respect, you are being dramatic.

 

He knows you want to give it one more go.

 

Giving him a deadline of a few days to decide is not giving him space. Don’t pressure him. You have a holiday planned together in two weeks, this can’t go on for too long.

 

You impatience with him when he asks you for space gives us a good idea of how you have behaved during the relationship. You need to develop some self control. You can start by waiting for him to do what he said he would do - contact you in a few days...

[Watercolors]

Re: trip to Spain. I wouldn't count on that happening at this point anymore.

 

How did your attitude get in the way? What are the arguments about?

 

3 months isn't a long time to be with someone. In fact, it's still technically the honeymoon phase.

 

Sounds like he's tired of the fighting between you both and distanced himself because he's unhappy with the relationship. Once a guy pulls the distancing move, the end of the relationship is near.

 

If you want to know if the Spain trip is still happening, call him to ask him about it. Don't handle this all over text or email or you'll never get anywhere.

[boymommy]

Well if you already arguing a few months in thats probably a bad sign. I would give him space and in the meantime work on you. But do it for yourself and to improve your own life, not just to get a guy back. I would address your communication skills as something to improve on. Look up articles or self help books that talk about how to be a better communicator.

 

A few tips:

A) When talking to someone try to start a sentence with “I feel hurt and confused when you call me names during fights.” (Thats just a random example)

Avoid starting a sentence with “you do this” or “you do that.” It tends to put people on the defense and they feel attacked. If you present it from a standpoint of well this is your feelings, its harder to argue with that and they may be more willing to listen to you.

 

B) If you feel you are getting really angry and its not going to be productive, tell the person (nicely) that you need a 5 minute break (or however you long you need) to calm down and will be willing to talk when you gather yourself. There is a huge difference between storming off in anger and yelling “leave me alone!” (I have done this) and calmly telling someone you need a break. Its a great anger anger management technique!

 

Good luck! Take this time to do some work on yourself. You can do it! Lokk at it this way, if things dont work out with your boyfriend then you will be healthier for the next relationship. Win-win for you!

[elaine567]

My guess. He is back with the ex or he wants "space" to see his ex...

My second best guess - he has found someone else.

 

You got involved with a guy who just split up with his ex due to distance.

She is now back in town and early July he went cold and distant on you and now he wants space...

[d0nnivain]

Generally I think a request for space is a soft ball request for a break up.

 

Here you have travel plans in 2 weeks so he may be feeling overwhelmed & feel pressure. Since he offered dinner this week, agree to that. Do not talk about the relationship during the dinner. Just be upbeat & fun. Do clarify if the trips to Spain is still going forward. If it's not, you want as much time as possible to make other arrangements or try to get your money back.

 

What was this tough love your mother gave you which caused you to promise the guy you would change? I get the sense that you snooped through his phone & you are dramatically jealous? If that is the case, you would be well served to back off.

 

On the trip, try to have fun. Assure him that you like him but back off any discussions about the relationship, feelings, demands, assurances etc. Just have fun. I get the sense that you may be pushing too hard for too much of a commitment too soon. Do you really have to figure out everything about your relationship right now? Why can't it just be that you like each other, you are exclusively dating & you are trying to figure out the future in time?

[Gaeta]

I also agree that a request for space after 3 months dating is a silent wish for a break up.

 

The fact you have an oversea trip planned after only 3 months dating also indicate you've rushed this relationship.

 

You're sad but you will survive. You need to address your jealousy problem before you seek another relationship.

 

In your circumstances saying you're sorry for your behavior is not enough. People don't change jealous behavior on wishful thinking. You need to work on yourself.

 

 

.

[BaileyB]

The fact you have an oversea trip planned after only 3 months dating also indicate you've rushed this relationship..

 

Totally. He may not be re-evaluating the relationship as much as he is trying to figure out what to do about this trip. I’m sure he is seeing the error in his ways now, booking a big trip with a woman when it’s a new relationship...

Edited August 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

My guess. He is back with the ex or he wants "space" to see his ex...

My second best guess - he has found someone else.

 

You got involved with a guy who just split up with his ex due to distance.

She is now back in town and early July he went cold and distant on you and now he wants space...

 

 

You're definitely on to something.

 

 

In May he meets his ex

In May she snoops and he lies

Beginning of July she feels him pulling away

Mid-August he requests space

 

 

OP, it's over.

[Watercolors]

Gaeta's summarized the events nicely. That's probably how it will end, unfortunately, for you, OP.

 

I agree with the others. If your relationship jealousy got out of control and you snooped on his phone b/c he was in contact with his ex-g/f again once she returned then you sealed your own fate of getting dumped. Never snoop.

 

And, promising him you'll stop snooping isn't enough to save the relationship at this point. You need to work on yourself and your jealousy issues before you date the next guy.

 

I think you both rushed into this relationship too soon after his breakup and his distancing is so he can figure out how to deal with the Spain trip, that he most likely doesn't want to do now.

 

Sorry this happened to you, OP but chalk it up to a learning experience. Next time, don't jump to conclusions about anything; don't snoop or accuse; try to talk through your feelings first without screaming and arguing and learn to communicate better for yourself. Never promise you'll change for someone else. That never works. Change only for yourself.

[stillafool]

I think he wants to break up with you and just asked for space because apparently you're very emotional and he didn't want to set you off or hurt you. That is probably why you saw the tears because it hurts good people to hurt others.

[kendahke]

You've been dating, what? 3 or so months? And you're already arguing?

 

This "break" is not to fix anything. It's to end things. Sorry to say.

 

No one you find who is sane and emotionally well adjusted is going to tolerate someone who argues all the time. Find a therapist to help you work on your anger issues and find the right tools to convey your frustrations while at the same time, being able to self soothe.

[elaine567]

... he didn't want to set you off or hurt you. That is probably why you saw the tears because it hurts good people to hurt others.

 

That was my interpretation of the tears too. The kiss on the forehead was a touch too "platonic" too.

 

He was breaking up with you.

Sorry!

Sort out the holiday asap. You may be able to gt a refund, or find someone else to go with you.

[SumGuy]

...

Sounds like he's tired of the fighting between you both and distanced himself because he's unhappy with the relationship. Once a guy pulls the distancing move, the end of the relationship is near.

...

 

 

I have no idea of the details so have no idea what is being asked, if it is reasonable, unreasonable, or just reasonable people can differ.

 

 

I agree with the first sentence but not the second. The way he asked you for some time apart to me says he likes you, a lot, but not how the relationship has been going / how he has been treated. That is there is something in the relationship behavior that is a deal breaker for him.

 

 

The distance is to think about it, if you both want the same relationship and what relationship behavior you can accept or willing to change. It gives you time to think without chemistry and physical attraction getting in the way. Likewise the platonic kiss.

 

 

What I agree with in the second sentence is that if things don't change, or a genuine effort to change, the relationship is over. That is the relationship is on life support but not dead yet.

 

 

However, in my experience it is rare that the thing in the way changes, because people generally are not self aware enough to be able to change or have the motivation to do so; that and it is often very hard.

[livinglife2019]

Well I spoke to him about the holiday he rang me about it, I said I understood his need for space so that we only had to discuss the holiday and we could talk about the relationship when he was ready too! I let him know I was here to talk when he felt like he was ready too.

 

So I asked him if he was still up for going because if not I would need to sort some stuff out to which he replied yes. He still wanted to go, he then said I want to go with you.

 

I didn’t push I just explained that I needed to know what he was thinking about the holiday. I can’t imagine he would say he still wanted to go if he didn’t especially as I gave him the chance a few times to say no.

 

I said I’ll let you go so you can enjoy the rest of your evening, and he said talk soon and blew a kiss down the phone.

[livinglife2019]

Agreed but tbh my issue is I don’t have much of a filter and I say things straight of my mouth without thinking not all the time but I am guilty of it. He also doesn’t like that when I get drunk I can get a tad selfish or dramatic so that is what has caused some of the arguments. So I just won’t drink as much and learn how to take a breath before I speak. I am genuinely trying, I know words can’t prove only actions so I’m hoping he still has some feelings left and is willing to let me prove him wrong and show him just how much I care that I want to change those things not just for him but for myself as well.

 

I have no idea of the details so have no idea what is being asked, if it is reasonable, unreasonable, or just reasonable people can differ.

 

 

I agree with the first sentence but not the second. The way he asked you for some time apart to me says he likes you, a lot, but not how the relationship has been going / how he has been treated. That is there is something in the relationship behavior that is a deal breaker for him.

 

 

The distance is to think about it, if you both want the same relationship and what relationship behavior you can accept or willing to change. It gives you time to think without chemistry and physical attraction getting in the way. Likewise the platonic kiss.

 

 

What I agree with in the second sentence is that if things don't change, or a genuine effort to change, the relationship is over. That is the relationship is on life support but not dead yet.

 

 

However, in my experience it is rare that the thing in the way changes, because people generally are not self aware enough to be able to change or have the motivation to do so; that and it is often very hard.

[Gaeta]

If you cancel the trip will he lose money?

 

 

I have a friend who refused to break up with her boyfriend before a trip just cause she didn't want to lose the couple hundred bucks for cancellation fee.

[livinglife2019]

Nope I don’t think so. I paid for the flights and he paid for the hotel. But the hotel comes with a cancellation policy so he can cancel up to 5 days in advance so he really wouldn’t loose money.

 

If you cancel the trip will he lose money?

 

 

I have a friend who refused to break up with her boyfriend before a trip just cause she didn't want to lose the couple hundred bucks for cancellation fee.

[SumGuy]

...I know words can’t prove only actions so I’m hoping he still has some feelings left and is willing to let me prove him wrong and show him just how much I care that I want to change those things not just for him but for myself as well.

 

 

I think it works when you make the changes for yourself. Since it sounds like these are changes you have wanted to make for yourself (before you met him?) and not just him, then it doesn't sound like he is asking you to be something you are not in a manipulative way.

[d0nnivain]

Nope I don’t think so. I paid for the flights and he paid for the hotel. But the hotel comes with a cancellation policy so he can cancel up to 5 days in advance so he really wouldn’t loose money.

 

So you are going to lose money on the tickets. You may be stuck paying the change fees ($200+ per ticket) and getting airline credit.

 

Unless you are planning to stay sober on this trip so your filter stays in place you two are going to end up arguing the whole time. Be careful. I'm worried about this.

 

Next relationship, do not pay for international travel for somebody you haven't been dating for at least a year.

[Gaeta]

So you are going to lose money on the tickets. You may be stuck paying the change fees ($200+ per ticket) and getting airline credit.

 

Unless you are planning to stay sober on this trip so your filter stays in place you two are going to end up arguing the whole time. Be careful. I'm worried about this.

 

Next relationship, do not pay for international travel for somebody you haven't been dating for at least a year.

 

 

I agree.

 

 

 

OP, you may view this trip as a way to get closer but in truth it could be what will end your relationship definitely. I suggest you to cancel the trip in the name of 1) giving him the space he needs 2) You working on your problems. Sounds smarter than rushing to Spain in the middle of a crisis.

[Watercolors]

I agree that you need to cancel the trip. Going to Spain with your 3 month boyfriend who's unsure he wants to stay in this relationship with you is not wise.

 

Instead, I would stay home, and figure out why you become aggressive or belligerent when you drink alcohol (assuming that's what happens). Some people are predisposed to aggressive behavior when they drink alcohol. You could be one of those people.

 

Yes, you'll lose some money but what you'll gain is your pride, and self-satisfaction that you took the responsible way out of this awkward situation by acknowledging that your behavior when you drink is or could be a consistent problem for you with your romantic relationships. That's something you should really address on your own home turf, not in Spain.

 

Breaking up is hard but I think in your case it's probably for the best. In the long-term, 3 months is quite short to know someone. If you'd been together for longer like a year, I could see the trip to Spain as something more sensible. But 3 months? You two barely know each other still. And you have problems already.