How to stop being so needy??

[enchanted771]

Need some honest advice. I seem to always be more into a person i am dating, than he is into me, and he ends up losing interest. I need to reverse the dynamic. I think the problem is, that I give too much too soon, and show too much interest. Seems having the attitude that you are fine with or without him, is what keeps a guy interested. I think I’ve been too needy before, and I’m trying to change

[basil67]

Your post is unclear. Being into someone or showing lots of interest isn't the same as being needy. The first is enthusiasm - the second is demanding.

 

What is it that you're actually doing?

[d0nnivain]

Just try to keep your feelings to yourself. Reach out less often then you want to. Wait before you respond & don't spill everything about yourself in the 1st weeks. Keep an air of mystery. Also don't give up your life & friends for a new SO. Have fun, interesting things to do without your SO. Don't always be available.

[kendahke]

Need some honest advice. I seem to always be more into a person i am dating, than he is into me, and he ends up losing interest. I need to reverse the dynamic. I think the problem is, that I give too much too soon, and show too much interest.

 

It is very easy to overwhelm a new prospect being too emotionally dependent upon them too early--it's like trying to save a drowning person--they run the risk of being drowned, too if they're not careful. You stop doing that by having confidence in who you are and knowing that if this one doesn't want to act right, someone else will.

 

Seems having the attitude that you are fine with or without him, is what keeps a guy interested.

 

That's game playing and that's a turnoff.

 

I know that if someone treats me like they're fine without me, I give that to them by the bucketload. I'm not going to play coy games with an adult who isn't confident enough in who they are to own their voice and speak up for what they want.

[BaileyB]

It’s called mirroring.

 

On a small level, when he smiles on a date, you smile.

 

On a more significant level, when he texts you twice a day, you text him twice a day. When he says he loves you and wants to be exclusive, you say I love you and I want the same...

 

Pay attention to what he says, what he does, and how he paces himself in the relationship and... do the same.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'll echo Bailey ... mirroring ... and another great word is "matching."

 

Look, you do this with friends all the time ... new friends. You don't do ten things for them and pay for ten outings without them reciprocating. You do them a favor ... invite a possible friend out ... friend goes ... friend invites you out the next time.

 

On the big picture, you want to get your life in shape ... or make your life so enjoyable as a single person that literally you are not needy ... Like ideally you want to have a schedule of great things going on in your life ... such that you don't have time or energy to suddenly prioritize one person. Instead, you would, if the relationship works and is worth it, gradually fit the person into your life.

 

Yes, you could be scaring away some people.

 

But also ... you're pushing forward ... beyond the interest level the other person is showing.

[OnlyHonesty]

Give a little, and give them the space and time to earn more of whatever you give.

[boymommy]

I have long had this issue. I have read every self help book under the sun which mostly encourage game playing and being something you are not (or playing “hard to get, making men “chase you”) What are we, 16? Well some people on this forum I suppose are but I guess if you are an adult and looking for an adult relationship, what I would suggest you do is be yourself but with boundaries. What this means is don’t jump in with both feet, assess WHO you are dating and constantly ask yourself is this person the right person for YOU instead of the other way around. Don’t overcommit yourself before you know someone or before they have earned it (as in dont start planning a wedding in your head, 2 dates in..I have done this!)

 

Its great to be a dreamer and a fantasizer but it will more then likely get you hurt and cost you relationships. You can still be that person, just execute better boundary control. Thats what I did when I started dating after my divorce.

[smackie9]

it's nice to receive two messages, it's annoying to receive 20, receiving 200 makes you go eeK! Just cut back and be a little more subtle showing your interest.....have some mystery.

[Gaeta]

How long have you been dating this guy?

 

If I suggested plans to my new boyfriend I'd expect him to work the details out with me, if he dismissed my date suggestion and I had to ask again then *I am dating the wrong man*.

 

Part of your problem might be your neediness but part of the problem is also you're dating men less into you than you're into them.

[boymommy]

How long have you been dating this guy?

 

If I suggested plans to my new boyfriend I'd expect him to work the details out with me, if he dismissed my date suggestion and I had to ask again then *I am dating the wrong man*.

 

Part of your problem might be your neediness but part of the problem is also you're dating men less into you than you're into them.

 

Yeah this is true. I had to acknowledge in part of the work I did on myself that I enjoyed being the “chaser” so I was attracted avoidant and player types but meanwhile I was looking for a serious committed relationship. Once I learned how to spot this subtype of men (if you are online dating avoid anyone who has revealing pictures or has their shirts off or pants unzipped). Also players and guys with an avoidant attachment style are going to be more likely to call you needy because they dont want to commit.