When is it enough to give up?

[Moneyanx]

Sometimes it feels so good to be with my boyfriend who I know loves me and other times I feel like I want to run away. I felt this way for a very long time and believe it’s because he makes me very uneasy from a money standpoint but it in particular because he tends to spend more than he should and has an attitude of entitlement. I have even left him a few times briefly for him to try to get his act together telling him we can’t live together until and unless he becomes financially responsible.

 

He brags that he’s really responsible now and in a very in a very good place financially. And I’m really trying to believe him but I just can’t get there. He’s angling to move into my home and even to marry me.

 

Here’s what I do know from my own research. His checking account can be as low as $100 or so after paying all his bills and then goes up during the month as he gets money in from work. At one point he had three credit cards and told me he decreased to two credit cards but I know that he is using another credit card recently again so he’s using all three cards even though I know he is paying the statement balance on the first two cards and assume he will do so when he gets the bill for the third card.

 

He is saving some money but not much each month considering he brings in a gross of $60,000 a year and other than his rent and utilities and his leased car really doesn’t have any extraordinary expenses. I pay for several things that I wouldn’t typically do to help him out and completely try to minimize going to restaurants various trips and the like.

 

So I just don’t feel that I can necessarily trust that he will pay his share of the home expenses that we’ve discussed before. In fact he always make sure to say somethings like well “it doesn’t cost that much really for me to live here if it all” and “look at all the money I’ll be bringing in to help you pay for your expenses“ and “well my friend so-and-so is married to his second wife only pays a few hundred dollars a month to live in their house“ and “my ex sister-in-law never paid for her to live with her boyfriend to live in his house“. This all sounds to me like he’s trying to make me feel guilty about even asking him to share the house expenses even though I know that the examples provided to me are different for various reasons in my situation. I keep on telling him it should be what’s fair to both parties. But I’ve resent these statements.

 

I want to be fair and we do love each other but on the other hand I’m so sick and tired of having to tell him how to manage his money and then seeing him continue to not greatly improve his situation or even seem to care about giving me peace of mind on this topic that we have discussed so so many times.

[Foxhall]

well at least all this is out in the open and you are not shy about raising the issue with him,

 

you could agree a formal arrangement- should he move in-he must set up a standing order of say $200 a week to pay for his keep,

 

be firm with this and put your foot down.

[basil67]

He is saving some money but not much each month considering he brings in a gross of $60,000 a year and other than his rent and utilities and his leased car really doesn’t have any extraordinary expenses.

 

Hi Moneyanx, it's hard to comment without knowing what the cost of living is where you are. What is his rent cost per year? And cost of his car lease?

[Moneyanx]

Rent is $1400 per month and car is $350 pm

[Foxhall]

where is his money disappearing I wonder,

 

gambling/ hookers??

[PegNosePete]

I have even left him a few times briefly for him to try to get his act together telling him we can’t live together until and unless he becomes financially responsible.

 

He brags that he’s really responsible now

The rest of your post suggests that these "brags" are completely and utterly false. He has not changed one bit.

 

“it doesn’t cost that much really for me to live here if it all” and “look at all the money I’ll be bringing in to help you pay for your expenses“ and “well my friend so-and-so is married to his second wife only pays a few hundred dollars a month to live in their house“ and “my ex sister-in-law never paid for her to live with her boyfriend to live in his house“. This all sounds to me like he’s trying to make me feel guilty

Yes, that is exactly what he is trying to do. To reduce his own bills by getting you to pay for his upkeep, by whatever means he can.

 

You say you're thinking of marriage. When you are married to someone there is a saying "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine". He seems to be of the opinion that "what's yours is ours, and what's mine is my own". Marriage will not magically change his views on this subject.

 

I want to be fair and we do love each other but on the other hand I’m so sick and tired of having to tell him how to manage his money and then seeing him continue to not greatly improve his situation or even seem to care about giving me peace of mind on this topic that we have discussed so so many times.

This will not get better on its own. Money is a huge destroyer of relationships and a relationship where one person is financially irresponsible as this guy is, and another who is sensible like you, is very unlikely to work out in the long run. You've already broken up several times over this, and as far as I can see, nothing has gotten any better. It's very unlikely to work out, therefore if I were you I'd cut my losses and move on.

[Moneyanx]

He pays his cards on time instead of racking up card debt he can’t pay. Also appears to keep some expenses down such as food. This all changed last year after I broke up for several months. But you’re right I don’t feel or believe that someone earning that kind of money should just break even at the end of the month. I also agree that despite him telling me he wants to be with me the rest of his life and despite him trying to make me happy including spending good time with my disabled son, he is likely going to take advantage based on his statements which are very “telling”.

[smackie9]

Discussion about money with him can be positive if you talk about the right things, like suggesting he go to a credit counselor to help him "manage" his spending. Also to work on putting money away for retirement, etc. You are right no one should be living from paycheck to paycheck if they can't help it. If he wants a better "lifestyle" then he should consider getting a degree and advance more where he is working or get a better paying career.

 

Right now, with his use of credit cards and paying them off on time will give him a great credit score...but it's dangerous. It only take one slip up or not being able to pay them off clear with be the beginning of a deep hole of debt he won't be able to get himself out of.