Atlantis5 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 I have a relationship of 3 years. He is everything I ever wanted in a man: caring, he takes really good care of anything involving me, he is understanding, he is not jealous, he trusts me and he loves to spend time with me. I work from home and he too, so we are together basically 24/7. He never goes to bar or meet friends without me, we always do it together because we enjoy each other company. But a year ago my jealousy and mistrust worsened. I was in abusive previous relationship with a man who was serial cheater and always cheated on me and I’ve found out at the end...I still cant get over the feeling someone is trying to fool me over. Yeah I believe you will say “thats your problem not of your current boyfriend”, I know this, but the feeling of being played on is still so alive... Well my boyfriend now is so sweet, he is trustworthy, he always says what he does and does what he says, he is good to other people and never cheated on anyone...he has been through family tragedy and is really sensitive and pure soul. And what I do to him is a lot of mistrust. I dont know where this comes from because he doesnt give me a single reason to doubt him. He is with me all days, I think we are apart a hour or two every day or not at all. When I go somewhere to run some errands, I always think he must be cheating on me because he has some spare time. I then check obsessively for evidence, I control how the sheets are made on the bed, I ask him if someone was at our home with him being home alone, etc... And once I also said to him someone was at our home even though I had a key and that she climbed around the 1.8 m fence... and that when he goes to toilet in the restaurant, he meets with someone and gets laid...yes this is my imagination running wild. And then I feel as bad as it would really happen...all in my head. Well I know it sounds crazy but this js my life. I dont know how to help myself before I destroy his love for me... I love him as I never loved anyone so much, I want to be good for him and with him, but my paranoid suspiciousness is getting the best of me. Yesterday I was with my parents and came home 2 hours after my boyfriend...I was asking him multiple times over the phone if there is someone at our house with him. He was mad of course, who wouldnt be...I really am paranoid all the time. I rolled in bed all night today could t sleep because of how I am. Why I cant be normal? And then I cry... my boyfriend really gives me no doubt whatsoever...I have his mobile with me sometimes, he gives me his ipad and computer, there are no secrets... And I give him mistrust because my ex did cheat on me. What can I do to help myself? I am drifting into depression I think Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Hi Atlantis, recognising that you have a problem is the first step of recovery. Do you have obsessive thoughts/anxiety in any other parts of your life? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Unfortunately for you , your bf is enabling your mistrust. And you encourage that. You have zero trust in him despite after 3 years of him being an open book. And that will not change unless he stops enabling you. You actually do have control of that! Tell him to change his passwords , stop allowing you to access his phone or iPad , tell him to not reply to your messages unless necessary. You MUST trust him without evidence or you will never trust him . Trust is not based on another proving themself. It’s a vulnerable position to be in but a great place to be in. Try it!!! Or lose the man. He will tire of constantly reassuring you of his innocence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Atlantis5 Posted August 13, 2019 Author Share Posted August 13, 2019 Thank you for your reply. Yes I am constantly paranoid of something...I also worship this relationship so much I try to be as good to my boyfriend as he is good to me but this jealousy and insecurity is making the opposite effect of what I want for me and him...I simply cant shake thoughts of someone fooling me over. And If I dont have total control I am lost... i cant sleep, i cant eat, all I think is this paranoid thoughts and extreme fear. My ex was very damaging figure in my life for me, he cheated constantly and now I think everybody is the same. I cant believe how some people can have long distance relationships, not knowing what she/he does and still be trusting and in love... I wish so much I could find a way to change. I wasnt always this way Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 At the end of the day, you can only control a certain amount and it is pointless worrying about things you cannot control, you cannot control this no matter how possessive you try to be- if a boyfriend wants to cheat he will cheat, you have got to get your own house in order here, why does your life or happiness have to revolve around some guy. you have to create your own identity- set out to achieve targets yourself- could you aim to complete a mini marathon or something or target whatever interests you, I dont think all this time together is healthy either- you certainly anyways would be better off out in a workplace engaging with other people, than being at home constantly thinking of nothing about your boyfriend, would it really matter if he did cheat? you boot him out and find another boyfriend then, work on finding some interests and making yourself content on your own right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 When you say that you're always paranoid of something, I take it to mean you also get anxious/paranoid about things which are outside of the relationship. Work/study etc. Is this correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Atlantis5 Posted August 13, 2019 Author Share Posted August 13, 2019 basil67, yes thats true. And constant fear... of my loved ones dying, of me getting into accidents, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Ok, you need to speak with your doctor. And probably work with both a psychiatrist and psychologist. With help, you can get on top of this. Reach out for help - and don't be afraid to tell your boyfriend that you're getting help xx 2 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 I reluctantly suggest you need therapy. I don't see you overcoming this by yourself. There is training you can try such as taking control of your thoughts and imagining you are on a hike in a beautiful mountain valley (or some place that you would really like to be) or mentally reciting something repetitive like multiplication tables or the ingredients to your favorite recipe. It can be anything that is repetitive. This would take some time to take hold and you usually need to be relaxed and close your eyes especially if you imagine yourself on a beach somewhere with warm waves lapping at your feet. It could take months to help you out and that would depend on how much you practiced. It sounds easy to do but because of the amount of discipline required you will find it tiresome. The therapist can offer drugs and talk. Drugs may work but often have side effects. Since you have tied your condition to your last relationship there is a good chance that therapy may be your solution. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Schlumpy, unless there are different rules in the US, a therapist can't offer drugs. That's a psychiatrist's job. Just offering for clarity - because I agree that the OP needs extensive support. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Thank you for your reply. Yes I am constantly paranoid of something...I also worship this relationship. I wish so much I could find a way to change. I wasnt always this way�� You do NOT worship this relationship. You instead are doing everything to sabotage it. And you WILL succeed. No one gives a crap about your last relationship except you. That was well over 3 years ago and you are constantly punishing your bf for it. Why? Why did you enter a relationship with your current bf if you were not ready to let go of the past? You are letting your past control the present and future. Go back to your ex , because you are still living and breathing him. And let your current bf go. Up to you! Link to post Share on other sites
MetallicHue Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 basil67, yes thats true. And constant fear... of my loved ones dying, of me getting into accidents, etc... My grandmother who has long since passed away had somewhat similar sorts of anxiety. It did worsen in her much later years but she was able to live a fairly successful life with proper medication (she had it a bit more extreme too). But it was still a tough road. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 (edited) Schlumpy, unless there are different rules in the US, a therapist can't offer drugs. That's a psychiatrist's job. Just offering for clarity - because I agree that the OP needs extensive support. No, you are correct. It was not my intent mislead. I simply assume that once you enter the system a referral can be made if drugs are needed. I would talk to my primary doctor first and take his advice. Edited August 13, 2019 by schlumpy Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 You have paranoia. Does someone in your family have dementia? This is a dating forum. You need medical advice. I can only suggest you eat a healthy diet and excercise. That's not just to feel good, but also to make sure you have all the nutrients that your body, your brain needs. Your bf is a caretaker type. He has been through tragedy and he may understand your mental suffering. But he may not continue to be your caretaker. So you really need to take care of yourself and stay healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trulycommitted Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Hi Atlantis, If you think you are drifting into depression, please reach out to your doctor, counselor, or trusted family or friend. Sometimes, prematurely entering relationships leads us to bringing unresolved problems from previous relationships. Try not to think of the worst case in every possible scenario. I would suggest having healthy conversations with your boyfriend. Talk about everything. Sow seeds of trust in your relationship, this will help to strengthen your connection. Blessings to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Atlantis5 Posted August 13, 2019 Author Share Posted August 13, 2019 Thank you for your responses. As I can understand, I must refrain from indulging in control..How do you cope with feeling you dont know everything but still trust, believe, love? I also know I need to find therapist and I hope no medication.. I would really be the happiest person on earth if I would find a way to cope with my wild imagination.. Do you trust without evidence? I mean, Im so hypervigilant and my guard is always up. This is a sad life to live this way... i really want to change and give my boyfriend trust he deserves Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 ... i really want to change and give my boyfriend trust he deserves Please ask him to help you. Give him a chance to show you what he is made of. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 13, 2019 Share Posted August 13, 2019 Yes, I agree that you need professional help. At least a psychologist, and maybe a psychiatrist as well. And medications don’t have to be a big deal. If it really helps, it’s worth it. (I’m basing this on my interpretation that your boyfriend cheating on you isn’t the only thing that you are paranoid/worried about). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I do think you need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist to help with this issue. Do you try to control other areas of your life? Have you ever been OCD about anything else? I feel for you, because it sounds like a nightmarish way to live. I also feel for your boyfriend because you are controlling him to the extent that he is practically a prisoner. I am surprised he has tolerated this. How do you manage to get your boyfriend to cooperate in all this? Has he ever expressed any dissatisfaction with your behaviour? What happens if he does? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 I agree with Veronica and Spiderowl - this is causing real problems for you and could probably use the help of a specialist. It might be insecure attachment, it might be paranoia, it might be a lot of things. Get help before it blows up what appears to be a pretty decent relationship, and let your BF know you're getting help so he continues to be patient with you. Also before it escalates and starts seeping into other areas of your life... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 14, 2019 Share Posted August 14, 2019 Thank you for your responses. Do you trust without evidence? I mean, Im so hypervigilant and my guard is always up. This is a sad life to live this way... i really want to change and give my boyfriend trust he deserves Believing something because of evidence is not trust. Believing something with no evidence is trust. And you need to start practising. Next time he doesn’t return a call, instead of only finding one possible reason and focusing on that (he must be with another woman right?) , think of all other possible reasons, his battery died, he bumped into an old friend or relative and got delayed, there is no signal in his phone, whatever .... you need to realise that for every reason you come up with , there are many more feasible reasons. When he does return your call. Be happy he did and don’t question the delay. You don’t like the sad way of life you are leading , trust me in this .... he doesn’t like the sad way of life he is leading. You are creating it, he is enabling it. You need to change your mindset. Start with asking him not to enable you and not prove his innocence time and time again. No passwords to his phone etc , no showing you his phone , none of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Atlantis5 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 spiderowl, He expresses his dissatisfaction very often now. He says what did I do to you wrong that you dont believe me? He also says he is noy my previous boyfriend and that I insult him for thinking he is a liar. I will try to exercise distraction in my mind when such thoughts arise...I am so overhelmed by this, all this checking and controlling, it really exhausts me very much... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Atlantis5 Posted August 15, 2019 Author Share Posted August 15, 2019 Maggiemay1, Yes I know, having evidence to trust is not trust that someone would want and being spied on and controlled on also... I havent been that way all my life. I was trusting because I never lied and cheated to anyone but i got played on...several times in my life. I always thought people are good and have good intentions, but through my life I always ended with people showing me contrary. My first, very first bf cheated on me in front of my eyes in the club. My second, for 5 years, cheated on me because I never checked on him and never saw his phone for years... My third bf, of almost 6 years, cheated on me every spare minute he had left. When we broke up some girl called me and told me everything. Now my current bf is like an angel to me...he never does something wrong, he treats other people with respect and never says bad thing about anyone. He was cheated on in previous relationship and was very hurt by her previous girlfriend. He also went through family tragedy but now being with me, even though I can be very unpleasant sometimes, I helped him to get through hurt and pain...now he already can talk about tragedy without shedding the tear. I know its not excuse for me to go on with my paranoid behaviour because of my previous cheating boyfriends, but that all together really damaged me. Being trusting and open book was my road to enabling them cheating...Now I feel scared if I let my guard down something bad can happen... I also didnt understand why all of these men cheated on me, Ive been good looking I think, one of reasons to think so because I was a model...I guess I was picking those who saw just appearance and didnt bother about my tender heart... Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 I'm so sorry that you went through this in the past. With hindsight, were there signs you missed? Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted August 15, 2019 Share Posted August 15, 2019 You didn’t get cheated on because you never checked someone’s phone!!! And trusting someone doesn’t enable one to cheat!! If that was the case then there would be no successful partnerships ! You are good looking? That’s fine! So are all the many Hollywood celebrities that get cheated on! Are you getting into superficial relationships because someone finds you attractive? And staying because of that only? And thinking that’s enough to secure a relationship? Guys that enter relationships based on looks only will cheat if the only other thing on offer is paranoia? What are you offering besides looks? Why in your opinion is this current guy hanging around? It’s definitely not your paranoia nor your past model looks. There is more to it than that. Link to post Share on other sites
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