What about the kids ???

[Blind-Sided]

Hi All,

 

 

My marriage will officially be over any day now, and over the last few months, I've been thinking about the dating situation. I have 2 kids, (13 and 8) and I was wondering how everyone feels about letting them know the situation. My 13yo has had a couple boy-friends, and one breakup that she took kind of hard... so she understands. But the younger one may not understand totally, since she knows I have a couple female friends. (neighbors/past co-workers)

 

 

I'm not sure how to word it, so I'll just break it down.

 

1) I see some people say that they have been dating a long-ish time before they introduce kids to the other person. I'm not sure why if things are going well.

 

2) If the other person has kids... especially if they are close in age... and it's a friend of a friend (so you know they aren't a psycho) and they have kids... would it be ok to do a "Family date"? I was thinking Mini-golf or amusement park where everyone gets together, and you tell the kids, they are new friends. Obviously that couldn't happen with a total stranger.... but is this concept wrong?

 

My brother was divorced for +18 years, and he stayed single for a few reasons. One was trust, as he was military, and his wife cheated twice, in 2 different states. But now he has a girlfriend, and she had an 8 yo kid, and I think he was introduced relatively early. (after a few dates) The funny part of this is... he had his reasons for staying single... but just a few days ago, he basically told me to not make that mistake and get back out there.

 

 

Anyway... this is a real concern for me right now, and I would like to get everyone's feelings on this.

 

 

Thanks

Edited August 12, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[BaileyB]

I didn’t meet his son until we were sure that this was going to be a long term relationship. Neither of us wanted to introduce a new person to his son’s life, only to have that person disappear from his life when the relationship doesn’t work out.

 

When we did meet, it was outside the home for a short and fun introduction (we went to play mini golf). They like board games, so I used to go play a board game as our “in.” I would eventually stay for board games and dinner. I didn’t stay over for a LONG time...

 

We’ve never had any problems with his son. I think the most important thing was taking things slow and protecting his son’s time with his dad. He was never threatened by me, he always knew that he was a priority for his father.

[PRW]

Most dating situations fail,...nearly all of them. If your kids "get to know" the guy, like him, and then you break up,...over and over and over, then it is like going though 3, 4, 5, 6, divorces back to back over and over.

[Mrin]

Been there done that. A few things for you:

 

1. You will probably date lots of women

2. Most/all won't turn into anything permanent

3. Your kids don't need to deal with that

4. Wait 3-6 months before making an introduction. Good rule of thumb for me.

[Wanderlust2018]

My kids are pretty close in ages to yours. As the others have said, I too tend to approach this very cautiously. I personally don’t feel the need to rush an introduction. The one woman I did introduce them to, who had a son the same age as mine, I had known for around 12 years before we started dating. Based on knowing her for an such an extended period, I went ahead and did so when we all, her and her son included, went

to dinner and a sporting event. I thought I “knew” her, but it ended in disaster after about 2 months based on some really bad stuff she pulled. That solidified my philosophy about generally waiting a while. You just never know...

[Gaeta]

My marriage will officially be over any day now, and over the last few months, I've been thinking about the dating situation.

You are not even divorced yet, not even separated and here you are asking how should you introduce your future dates to your children. This is the last worry you should have. It should not even be in your mind at this point. You should concentrate on devoting your time to your children, settle in a new home, establish a new routine with your children, work on making them feel safe again and *next year* you can start thinking about dating.

[smackie9]

I know your brother says to "get back out there" but I have to agree with Gaeta that before that happens, you need to make sure your kids are settled into/adjusted to their new life. This is very hard for them and you must consider their needs before yours. Sure go out on a few dates maybe, but keep it casual and don't let your kids know. That's adult stuff they can live without for now.

[Blind-Sided]

You are not even divorced yet, not even separated ..........................

 

 

Actually.... I am. (sort of) This goes back to November, the divorce decree was filed long ago... the Custody has been signed by both and filed... the Equity Separation has been signed by both and filed... she has moved out... and she has signed the final Affidavit. I was hopping to have that document to my lawyer at the end of last week to sign. To her... it is final... but once I sign it... it's official/legal. So please... before making those kinds of statements, do a little background... or simply give your opinion on the actual question being asked, and don't judge on your assumptions.

 

 

As far as making the kids feel safe... that's a conversation for another thread. BUT, I have the house, and it's their same bedrooms when they are with me. One the point of waiting a year... Why?

 

To all: Thanks for the input. I've considered the "What if it doesn't work out" issues. But lets face it... it may not work out after 6 months, a year, 2 years.... so on. With that said, I'm not thinking of introducing them to a total blind date person... but with someone I already casually know, or friend of a friend... and it's a fun outing... isn't important to know if the kids will get along too? My thoughts on that are... if I start to date someone, and the kids are total brats, and I find out that she will simply not discipline her kid... that will be a major turn off for me, and could end it anyway.

Edited August 12, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[SumGuy]

Hi All,

 

....

 

 

I'm not sure how to word it, so I'll just break it down.

 

1) I see some people say that they have been dating a long-ish time before they introduce kids to the other person. I'm not sure why if things are going well.

 

2) If the other person has kids... especially if they are close in age... and it's a friend of a friend (so you know they aren't a psycho) and they have kids... would it be ok to do a "Family date"? I was thinking Mini-golf or amusement park where everyone gets together, and you tell the kids, they are new friends. Obviously that couldn't happen with a total stranger.... but is this concept wrong?

...

 

 

Thanks

 

I've 3 kids that were 10, 12 and 13 when the divorce was finalized and in my new place and ready to date.

 

 

On Question 1: I am definitively in the camp of waiting some time (like months) before introducing the kids to a date. I want to make sure that this is something that will last a while and not have the kids bring someone into their thoughts that will not last for months after they meet the person.

I also did not go out on dates when the kids had there time with me, until I thought they were ready to meet this person. Even then, I made sure the first meeting was always via a dinner party (usually a bbq actually), so there were other adult friends there they knew. This makes it easier to meet another adult as you are not "one-on-one" with them so to speak. Just another adult joining the dinner party. Always good when they saw me and my date cook together as they know I love to cook.

 

 

That's my view in general. Specifics I believe revolve more around how the kids feel about the divorce and the ex. I'll say my kids never had any question about the why of the divorce, and even encouraged me at one point early on to meet someone (they didn't know I was dating at that time). Even then, it can be different having acceptance in theory than in practice.

 

 

On Question 2: If your kids know this person are they going to be weirded out that this person you knew before the divorce is now someone you are dating? I'd take that even slower. I'd be very cautious of and careful in introducing them to the other kids to avoid putting them on the spot. Some brief meeting first, maybe almost in passing (quick ice cream together), then if more extensive some event or outing where they don't feel like they have to interact with the other kids but have the opportunity. Preferably something both sets of kids could potentially bond over like an amusement park.

 

 

All just my 2 cents. Wish you luck as still recall how daunting dating seemed after well over a decade of marriage.

[Rayce]

I have 2 kids, (13 and 8) and I was wondering how everyone feels about letting them know the situation. My 13yo has had a couple boy-friends, and one breakup that she took kind of hard... so she understands.

 

I am so sorry your daughter has already suffered heartbreak at such a tender age. You have a wonderful opportunity to set a good example for your 13 year old on how she should expect to be treated. Approach your dating by being the guy you would want your daughter to date. Most of us are having problems getting past 1st dates so unless you already are involved with another woman you are in a position to set good boundaries now.

 

Good luck! Wishing you peace in this next chapter of your life.

[elaine567]

My guess.

You are in a race to get another women settled in to beat your wife to it.

You are not thinking about your kids, you just do not want to be seen as being alone, when your wife starts dating.

Your ego won't allow it.

Hence why you are pooh-poohing waiting to get your kids settled in first, as waiting could mean she pips you to the post...

 

Kids do rather badly in divorces, they need time, time some parents are not willing to give them, in their haste to date around or move the replacement in...

[Ami1uwant]

My perspective.....I assume you are mid 30s

 

How long you should wait before you start dating depends on the divorce...

Was it Easy? Did it happen suddenly out of the blur?

How are you snd your soon ex onnthe kids?

Is it amicable or is there competition and jealousy in the kids?

 

You may have to wait till you date again. The only way you know if you are ready is by dating.

 

I’ve dated single moms. When you meet the kids depends slot on their ages and involvement with their other parent.

 

Is dating only on weekends or nights you don’t have the kids? Because one child is older st 13 you can leave kids st home without a sitter for a dinner date.

 

The latestes single mon I dated..... I met the daughter who just turned 15. She was independent and did things in school. I wasn’t really involved in raising her than if she was 8 yrs old. As months went on I got more involved with her and saw and interacted with her more.

 

Dating another single parent with kids can have its benefits if the kids are around the same age, but it can be a problem because of child drama and kids doing this or thst and cancelled dates. If someone has kids but thry are older where the kids are going off to college thry may not want another 10 year if raiding children.

[Gaeta]

My guess.

You are in a race to get another women settled in to beat your wife to it.

You are not thinking about your kids, you just do not want to be seen as being alone, when your wife starts dating.

Your ego won't allow it.

Hence why you are pooh-poohing waiting to get your kids settled in first, as waiting could mean she pips you to the post...

 

Kids do rather badly in divorces, they need time, time some parents are not willing to give them, in their haste to date around or move the replacement in...

 

 

Amen to that!

[Gaeta]

Actually.... I am. (sort of) This goes back to November, the divorce decree was filed long ago... the Custody has been signed by both and filed... the Equity Separation has been signed by both and filed... she has moved out... and she has signed the final Affidavit. I was hopping to have that document to my lawyer at the end of last week to sign. To her... it is final... but once I sign it... it's official/legal. So please... before making those kinds of statements, do a little background... or simply give your opinion on the actual question being asked, and don't judge on your assumptions.

 

 

As far as making the kids feel safe... that's a conversation for another thread. BUT, I have the house, and it's their same bedrooms when they are with me. One the point of waiting a year... Why?

 

To all: Thanks for the input. I've considered the "What if it doesn't work out" issues. But lets face it... it may not work out after 6 months, a year, 2 years.... so on. With that said, I'm not thinking of introducing them to a total blind date person... but with someone I already casually know, or friend of a friend... and it's a fun outing... isn't important to know if the kids will get along too? My thoughts on that are... if I start to date someone, and the kids are total brats, and I find out that she will simply not discipline her kid... that will be a major turn off for me, and could end it anyway.

 

 

I've been there twice and I know by experience that after a divorce it's better for the children that you focus on them for months, at least a year. If next week you start taking babysitters to go out with women before they fully adjust (mentally and emotionally) to the situation you will break something in their little hearts you cannot put back together again.

 

 

 

You will get many chances at getting a new girlfriend, you get one chance at doing things right for your children.

 

 

 

If you want to date go ahead, do it on your own time when the kids are at their mother's, do not let the children know at all. Many children rebel when the newly divorced parents start dating.

 

 

 

Count on the fact 'it's not gonna work out'. Dating is hard compared to 15 years ago. I had to search 3 years and meet 200 men before meeting my boyfriend. You're in for a surprise and a lot of disappointments. Read this section you'll see.

 

 

 

I am 53 years old, I am a mother, I've divorced after 15 years our daughter was 13, I am not pulling rabbits out of my hat here, I am talking by experience.

[vla1120]

I say isolate your children from any new people for as long as possible, unless you meet someone and are VERY serious about them (and hopefully, even then, unless there are wedding bells and the children MUST know - keep it under your hat - and when you DO introduce them, at the first sign of conflict from either side, step back and rethink it.)

 

My daughters were full grown adults (the youngest was 18) and had such a hard time adjusting that I wish I had taken their feelings more into consideration after my divorce from their father, my husband of 32 years. Were they grown adults who perhaps should have handled it? Maybe. But if it can derail full grown adults like it did, I can only imagine what it can do to young, tender hearts.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I started dating a guy about six months after I left my ex. My kids met him fairly early on. He was someone I had already known for a while, so not random-person territory. I didn't introduce him as any sort of significant other initially but explained things to the kids when the relationship clicked over onto the marriage track.

 

It was a long distance relationship, and my kids only actually saw him/visited with him a handful of times, but they apparently got attached pretty quickly.

 

I will say this: fresh out of a divorce, you probably don't have your head on entirely straight. I ended up breaking up with that boyfriend for reasons that started creeping in as I became more "myself" and less a product of that failed marriage.

 

There was no parade of men, no revolving door of dates or sex partners to confuse the kids... but all it takes is for a child to get attached to ONE PERSON.

 

More than a year after I broke things off with him - which I explained very gently to the kids, and they seemed to take it well - I found my 8 year old son crying in bed one night and when I asked him what was wrong, he tearfully said "I miss (ex-boyfriend)!!"

 

So, you know, maybe ESPECIALLY if the person you're dating is really likeable, good with kids, etc... that might be a good reason to be extra careful.

[Blind-Sided]

My guess.

You are in a race to get another women settled in to beat your wife to it.

You are not thinking about your kids, you just do not want to be seen as being alone, when your wife starts dating.

Your ego won't allow it.

Hence why you are pooh-poohing waiting to get your kids settled in first, as waiting could mean she pips you to the post...

 

Kids do rather badly in divorces, they need time, time some parents are not willing to give them, in their haste to date around or move the replacement in...

 

 

Why has this thread gone this direction? Nowhere did I say... "I have a date"... or "I'm going out with someone." I haven't been set-up with anyone, (but friends have made offers) and I don't have anyone in mind. This is simply me thinking about the future. AND YES.... ME THINKING ABOUT THE KIDS !!!

 

 

NO... I am not trying to beat the ex to the punch (so to speak) because she has been fooling around before we were divorced. and has already had a babysitter watch my youngest when it was her week with the ex. So she is already there.

 

My perspective.....I assume you are mid 30s

 

.............

47. Together for 20 years.

[Blind-Sided]

I started dating a guy about six months after I left my ex. My kids met him fairly early on. He was someone I had already known for a while, so not random-person territory. I didn't introduce him as any sort of significant other initially but explained things to the kids when the relationship clicked over onto the marriage track.

 

It was a long distance relationship, and my kids only actually saw him/visited with him a handful of times, but they apparently got attached pretty quickly.

 

I will say this: fresh out of a divorce, you probably don't have your head on entirely straight. I ended up breaking up with that boyfriend for reasons that started creeping in as I became more "myself" and less a product of that failed marriage.

 

There was no parade of men, no revolving door of dates or sex partners to confuse the kids... but all it takes is for a child to get attached to ONE PERSON.

 

More than a year after I broke things off with him - which I explained very gently to the kids, and they seemed to take it well - I found my 8 year old son crying in bed one night and when I asked him what was wrong, he tearfully said "I miss (ex-boyfriend)!!"

 

So, you know, maybe ESPECIALLY if the person you're dating is really likeable, good with kids, etc... that might be a good reason to be extra careful.

 

 

 

OK... this is want I wanted to hear. I get it. I just had a talk with my 8 yo since she has been a little upset at times. It came out that she didn't like what was going on... she wanted things to be the way they were before... and she only wanted to sleep in her own bed. I can see how a new person could cause issues if there is an attachment.

 

 

Right now the custody is a week on, week off arrangement... so... IF I start seeing someone... it's very easy to do it when the kids are with mom.

 

 

Thanks for that.

Edited August 12, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[BaileyB]

Indeed, if you are sharing custody of the children it should be very easy to find time to date when you do not have your children.

 

If ever in doubt, we ALWAYS erred on the side of caution. Rush things and introduce a woman to your children when they are not ready and your children will show you the error of your ways...

Edited August 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[boymommy]

I am have two boys, 5 and 7 years old. I dated a lot after my divorce but waited until I got into a serious committed relationship for them to meet anyone. He was nervous being that he has older kids so we waited 6 months. We have been together 2 years and he is amazing with my boys. He has older kids (an adult daughter and teenage son) and I met them within the first 1-2 months of us dating but its different due to their ages.

 

Personally I think 3-6 months is a good waiting period.

Edited August 13, 2019 by boymommy

[Blind-Sided]

Once again... thanks for all the input everyone.

 

 

I agree... I should wait until there is truly a connection that I think can last for a while, and I'm glad I posted this question. There is a new wrinkle in this... my Brother's new GF showed up when my ex started breaking down... and she felt bad about all of it. She has also gotten to know my entire family, and me. She sees that our entire family is loving and giving... and she feels bad for me. AND... according to my brother... she has someone she really wants me to meet. Needless to say, my brother told to not even bring it up until I'm ready.

 

 

So, last night, I was talking with my brother, and I asked when he was introduced to his new GF's kid(hes 8yo)... he said it was kind of early (3mo)... but he agreed to meet him because there was a good connection already with the new GF. In our conversation he said that he didn't date for all those years, because he didn't know what to do with his kid when he was younger.

 

 

Now, on a funny point... his kid is now 24, and getting married. But I turned to my brother and asked very seriously... "When did you decide to introduce bobby to your new GF?" It took him a minute... but then he punched me. LOL. (his kid is an adult)

 

 

Anyway... thanks again everyone. I'm on a biz trip, and this has helped a lot.

Edited August 13, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[smackie9]

It's good that you are discussing things with your kids as they adjust. Maybe some counseling could help them through this tough time when they are at the "I want things the way they were" stage. I feel bringing in someone new into the picture too soon will just make matters worse for them. No one is saying you can't date, just keep it on the low down for awhile. As time goes on have open communication with your kids about the changes, and the possibility of mommy and daddy being with new people. It's definitely a process. There are plenty of people on here that have been through it, so you are more than welcome to ask for more advice as things go forward with your new lives.

 

 

*the week on and off thing is a pretty good arrangement. I know plenty that have done this and it works well.

Edited August 13, 2019 by smackie9

[Blind-Sided]

.........

 

*the week on and off thing is a pretty good arrangement. I know plenty that have done this and it works well.

 

 

It made sense to me, although my ex wanted a visitation thing, and child support. but that's a topic for another thread. To me... I didn't want the kids to have a crazy schedule because it's just too confusing for everyone. It makes it very clear for everyone involved to know where they should be, and it makes planning events easier too. I have a buddy who was young when his folks broke up, and he told me that it was every other weekend with dad... and every 2nd and 4th wed... and first and third Thursday...... and some other craziness. I'm sure it had a reason for his folks... but he never understood why... and I would hate to try to do that to my kids. The funny thing is, he now works for CYS. (and I'm glad to have him for advice)

 

 

 

Thanks again everyone.

Edited August 13, 2019 by Blind-Sided