Juggernut23 Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Been talking to this for a few weeks. Everything’s going great, we’re pretty into each other and spend a lot of time together. What drives me insane.. she purposely flirts with dudes right in front of me. Will legit brush up on the dude, giggle, and slap his shoulder while looking over at me. First time she did it I calmly brought it up later that night “what was that about, seemed a little flirty between you and josh”. She would go “whaaat? No it’s freaking josh!”. And I told her I legit wanted to flip the table next to me, that’s how upset that made me. She did it again two more times, after the third I blew up on her because I was drunk and she keeps dismissing it. Most annoying part is that these dudes work with us.. so I know them.. and they would text/snap chat her flirty things while I’m there. She would show me and say “hahaha look what be sent me. He loves me”. The other day, she saw me walking towards her from a distance and immediately Walked over to the closest dude and got all touchy feely. So now I’ve been ignoring her the last day. Usually I miss her after a few hours and reach out to her, but honestly I just feel so disgusted and turned off by her behaviour. The most frustrating thing is that when I try to bring it up, she completely dismisses it. When I get angry, she gets angry. So I don't know what else to do.. any thoughts? And so help me GOD if I even mention another woman..I get all sorts of tude and snippy comments, the cold shoulder, and she talks badly about whatever girl I barely mentioned. It’s not like I do anything to provoke this behaviour..we’re always together and I never have any chick text me, approach me, or even talk to me. I’m really thinking about cutting her off completely because I can’t believe how angry I still am and it’s been over 24hours..I’m not the type to hold grudges. I feel like I know deep down she’s just an attention whore looking for trouble, and I’m just waiting for someone to verify it. Any advice would be appreciated folks Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Do yourself a favour and ghost her right now. She is nothing but a waste of space in your head. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 She's not doing it because of you. She's doing it because this is her personality. If you don't like her personality, stop dating her. She's a flirty social person. I'm guessing that's what you liked about her at first. No reason to think it would stop just because you're dating her. She's making sure you understand it's not going to stop, so there you go. And just because she can dish it out doesn't mean she can take it. You know people aren't universally rational that way. So it's not going to work out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 (edited) I’m the juggernaut biiii....sorry I couldn’t resist Listen I have a zero tolerance policy against men who try to make me jealous If I had a boyfriend who flirted with another women in front of me I wouldn’t make a scene right then and there. I wouldn’t even give him my attention because honestly people who do that on purpose get off on your negative jealous reaction so don’t give them that. So when we are alone I will say “babe earlier today with Jane that was not okay. I don’t do that to you. I would like the same respect in return. Can you do that for me babe?” If he doesn’t apologize and/or tries to justify his actions and/or dismiss my feelings and/or flat out say he will continue to do whatever he wanted then I would breakup. “Joe I can’t be with a boyfriend who flirts with other women and dismisses my feelings so let’s just breakup”. You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate and what you don’t So op she continues to do it because she wants to and she doesn’t care or respect your feelings enough to stop and your letting her get away with it by staying with her. You already told her how this makes you feel. Yet she still continues to do it. So honestly I think you should just break up with her or if you stay your going to have to accept she is not going to stop....because she hasn’t. Edited June 17, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 3 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 She's not doing it because of you. She's doing it because this is her personality. If you don't like her personality, stop dating her. She's a flirty social person. I'm guessing that's what you liked about her at first. No reason to think it would stop just because you're dating her. She's making sure you understand it's not going to stop, so there you go. And just because she can dish it out doesn't mean she can take it. You know people aren't universally rational that way. So it's not going to work out. Exactly! My ex was the same way. He constantly mentioned how sexy other women were to me. God forbid I would say _________ actor was hot, he got really upset and would tell me how ugly the guy was. I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. If someone is in a relationship w/me, the only person they can flirt w/is me. I won't flirt w/other guys and he better not flirt w/other women. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 If she really valued the relationship, natural flirt or not, she wouldn't be doing it. If she's dismissive, she's disrespectful. Drop her and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Juggernut, your gf (or exgf by now?) has very low self esteem. She does this to you because it gives her a feeling of power when otherwise she, for some reason, feels powerless. She may seem confident but inside she's not. She is also mean-spirited and not empathetic. She may have a borderline personality disorder. She needs help but it may be a long time before she realizes it. Am sure she has issues with other friends. A normal person doesn't behave this way. You may be able to get her to stop doing this, I don't know. But, you'll have other problems with her. She needs healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Agreeing with the advice to walk away from this. Whether it's just having a flirty personality or deliberate manipulation, the end result is the same. She's going to bring you a LOT of unhappiness unless this permanently ends very soon (which is extremely unlikely)... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Why are you trying to talk to someone who esteems you this slenderly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Dump her yesterday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 She's not doing it to hurt you or to make you jealous. She is doing it because she needs the external validation. She doesn't see it as anything so she doesn't understand why you get so bent out of shape. The idea that you wanted to flip over a table in anger is a little much though. Good job on controlling yourself so that you did not actually do that but the fact that you reacted so strongly even though you have only been dating this girl for a few weeks is a red flag. If there is any hope of saving this, try talking to her. Say something along the lines of "I get that you are a touchy feely, flirty person. I do like your lighthearted friendly demeanor but when I see you touching other guys when we are out, it upsets me. I want to believe that you don't mean anything by it but it really brings out the green eyed monster in me. I would really appreciate it if you could tone it down because even though you don't think it's a big deal I feel disrespected by the behavior." See how she responds. If she cares about you she will take your feelings into consideration. If she flips it around, gets defensive & calls you jealous or paranoid, you know she doesn't care enough to modify her behavior. The ego boost she's getting from what she's doing is more important to her then you are. Respond accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juggernut23 Posted June 18, 2019 Author Share Posted June 18, 2019 She's not doing it to hurt you or to make you jealous. She is doing it because she needs the external validation. She doesn't see it as anything so she doesn't understand why you get so bent out of shape. The idea that you wanted to flip over a table in anger is a little much though. Good job on controlling yourself so that you did not actually do that but the fact that you reacted so strongly even though you have only been dating this girl for a few weeks is a red flag. If she cares about you she will take your feelings into consideration. If she flips it around, gets defensive & calls you jealous or paranoid, you know she doesn't care enough to modify her behavior. The ego boost she's getting from what she's doing is more important to her then you are. Respond accordingly. But I’ve explained to her why I get so bent out of shape. She knows I have feelings, we’ve been friends for months but romantically involved for just a few weeks. I had a one-on-one with her and she completely dismissed my feelings. Whether or not it’s a red flag is up to her decide..and she stuck around after I told her so I’m assuming she didn’t see it as a problem. But thanks for the good advice I truly do believe this is just an ego boost for her. And now after ignoring her for almost 2 days I’m getting an influx of “hey you” and “what’s up” texts.. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 So what do you want to do? Do you think she will amend her ways? If she doesn't you either have to walk away or accept that it will never change. I am a flirty girl. Always have been. I had a BF in my 20s tell me my behavior bothered him. I was a bit taken aback by his statements but we talked about it. It was a difficult conversation. We came to some compromises. I didn't completely stop flirting but I toned it down. One of his big things was that if we were out together he wanted me to ask him before I accepted a dance with another man. I thought it was sexist request but there was no real skin off my nose to comply so I did. My husband jokes that I could no more stop flirting then I could stop breathing. Still I make him feel like he's the most important man in my life, because he is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) But I’ve explained to her why I get so bent out of shape. She knows I have feelings, we’ve been friends for months but romantically involved for just a few weeks. I had a one-on-one with her and she completely dismissed my feelings. Whether or not it’s a red flag is up to her decide..and she stuck around after I told her so I’m assuming she didn’t see it as a problem. But thanks for the good advice I truly do believe this is just an ego boost for her. And now after ignoring her for almost 2 days I’m getting an influx of “hey you” and “what’s up” texts.. The part that bothers me about it the most is not the flirty behavior in and of itself. It's the fact that you mention, for instance, when she sees you approaching she starts in flirting with others. And also the fact that you've talked with her and explained it to her and her reaction has been to keep it up and am thinking she actually was defiant with you about it? Can't recall if she was defiant or not. Those two things are big red flags to me. It seems to me she not only likes the ego boost but she also likes the power of seeing you react negatively to it. Add that to the fact you can't mention another girl without her getting extremely jealous. Seems to me at the very least she has low self-esteem and very little if any empathy. Edited June 18, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 She's not going to change this behavior. You either better get used to it or you should end things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Dump ... your nervous system can calm down ... This woman has founded a twisted way to just mess with your head. Dump her. Don't negotiate. Don't explain. She won't get it. She knows exactly what she's doing. Dump her and let some other guy deal with the headache of being with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SmartDude Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 When a woman does this to me she gets ignored. Then I look for a woman who does not do this.. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 When a woman does this to me she gets ignored. Then I look for a woman who does not do this.. Absolutely! Juggernut, if you don't see this then I am afraid you may have defective wiring in your head. Either get that fixed, or learn to lead a damaged life. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 If a girl, who, when she sees you coming, engages in hurtful behavior that you've spoken to her about---and she still does it---is a girl who doesn't give a rip about you or your feelings. She is akin to the little boy who likes to rip the wings off of insects just to watch them squirm. There is something wrong with her. Why you seek validation from someone messed up is a wonder of the ages. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Juggernut23 Posted June 18, 2019 Author Share Posted June 18, 2019 If a girl, who, when she sees you coming, engages in hurtful behavior that you've spoken to her about---and she still does it---is a girl who doesn't give a rip about you or your feelings. She is akin to the little boy who likes to rip the wings off of insects just to watch them squirm. There is something wrong with her. Why you seek validation from someone messed up is a wonder of the ages. You’re right Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Yea but what you going to do about it is what I want to know Link to post Share on other sites
ShyLove Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 This is one of the biggest signs of insecurity there is. I'm a counselor so I hear of this type of behavior a lot. Girls who admit to doing this type of stuff have stated they do it bc they need validation, as someone stated above. The fact that you are reacting to her behavior is validating that you still have feelings for her which in turn gives her some type of ego trip (power). Others admit to doing this just bc they like controlling other people's reactions. If you still want to continue dating her and want her to possibly stop(no guarantee) you need to ignore her behavior. Now be prepared bc when you start ignoring her she is going to go to greater lengths with other guys to try to control you and your reactions. You have to stay calm and unbothered, maybe even excuse yourself and go to the restroom lol Eventually it won't be as fun to her anymore bc you are not reacting (watch your body language too, try to stay relaxed and calm). However, I feel like this is way too much work. I'd personally just look around for more secure women to date. I dated a guy like this and he admitted years later that he did it bc he wanted to appear more appealing to me. Although I knew that is why he was doing it, it backfired lol it's just such a turnoff. So hopefully knowing why she is going to such great lengths to get you to react helps you to do the opposite (not react). Sorry if this was confusing. My mind is going faster than my hands haha Good luck!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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