OLD Friday night with a beta

[mortensorchid]

I had an OLD tonight, we met on Bumble this week. He asked to meet, and we met at a Panera near me (his location choice). How'd it go? Well ...

 

1) His hair - I walk in and see him at the coffee urns filling his cup. He looked like his picture, but there was something about his appearance that kind of bothered me. The hair on his head was dark but his facial hair was graying. I looked it up on Google as I don't think I had ever seen that before, Google told me that men's facial hair will grey before the hair on heads because it grows quicker and tends to be shorter. I honestly didn't know that before that moment, but his head hair looked like it was dyed rather than naturally like that. It looked a bit strange to me. I've seen men who have dyed hair to cover up grey, but this looked kind of strange.

 

2) Coffee - I went to the register to order a coffee and decided on a cafe latte, and he didn't pay for me. Strike 1. I know this a great topic of debate for people but this is a certain strike in my book. It shows me that he doesn't have courtesy.

 

3) Sitting down - I went into the dining area and he didn't say "Let's sit here", I kind of took the lead and went to the first seat that was free. He followed. Tells me he's passive.

 

4) Conversation - He was, I quickly realized, rather passive. He was not so awkward that I was constantly jabbering at a brick wall but he seemed kind of laid back to such a point that he was letting me take the lead in the conversation at first. Eventually he loosened up and was at ease with me, we were able to talk about things. He is/was a teacher in some ways, he teaches trumpet lessons and he composes music, has worked for a few schools here and there, works mostly from home. His interests were camping and hiking (not mine but I am okay with someone who has different interests). We were able to talk about a few things, he had nerd guy interests as well (likes bad movies like Howard the Duck). We were able to sit for two hours talking about stuff but I was leading most of it.

 

5) Closing - He walked me to my car and we hugged goodbye. I went to a Get n' Go near my house and ordered a chicken sandwich and fries and went home. It's two hours later, he didn't text anything to close it. 48 Hours and counting...

 

I doubt I will hear from him again, he was a beta and won't take charge of the situation. Did I like him? I did, but he's got to take the lead now to make things go anywhere.

[preraph]

Panera Bread is good!

 

Different strokes on the hair, I guess. I don't mind a bit if someone dyes their hair, but I think they ought to dye the beard too. Makes them look old. I hate beards anyway. I like a man who tries to stay looking good myself.

[snowcones]

Panera Bread is gross. It's like supped-up hospital food.

 

 

There are so many awkward people online, that's why you need to meet asap. And you would be surprised how many men, in general, totally suck at the art of conversation. They are way behind the curve.

Edited June 8, 2019 by snowcones

[emeraldgreen]

Thing is, even a decent introvert knows how to imitate the social cues of a more confident man. He's probably not just a wuss but an inexperienced one at that. Anyone knows how to pay for a coffee, suggest a spot, lead a conversation. These might not come naturally, but they are easily-learned behaviours. I'm introverted AF in my natural habitat, but it's part of my job (also a musician and educator) to put myself out there in a manner that conveys comfort and confidence.

 

It seems like this dude is used to someone else making the decisions.

 

Maybe (purely a serving suggestion), don't waste Fridays on a first meetup.

[Andy_K]

If I read the last sentence first, this sounds rather more like you're looking for reasons not to like him because he hasn't contacted you.

[basil67]

I wouldn't even notice if a guy didn't lead the way to a table. Is it really so important?

[Amethyst68]

May not be a beta, maybe just not that into you. Expended just enough effort not to be rude face to face but is now ghosting as seems to be the socially accepted norm now.

[MaleIntuition]

Impressive amount of nonsense in this one, their is simply no way you can draw those conclusions based on his described actions.

 

So, what’s most important? That he was laidback about which table you sat at or that you somewhat liked him?

[chillii]

Unbelievable mortenc, l think your too far gone sorry.

Maybe he too one look and just didn't giva fk , maybe he's on a forum somewhere talking about the ahh, beta, wtf , women he saddled himself with last night that googled his damn hair.

Have you thought about a dog ?

[Shining One]

I know this a great topic of debate for people but this is a certain strike in my book. It shows me that he doesn't have courtesy.

You're right, this is a huge topic of debate that I won't go into detail on. Personally, I consider it courteous to pay for what you consume.

I went into the dining area and he didn't say "Let's sit here", I kind of took the lead and went to the first seat that was free. He followed. Tells me he's passive.

When I first started dating and for years afterwards, I used to always lead to the table and pick the seats. This lead to complaints. Woman A preferred a table. Woman B preferred a booth. Woman C wanted to sit near a window. Woman D wanted to be away from the window. Woman E wanted a seat that allowed her to look at the entrance. I have no preferences whatsoever. What's a guy to do? Lead and potentially choose a seat the woman dislikes or allow her to pick?

[Happy Lemming]

Just Curious here, mortensorchid...

 

Did you ever hear from the guy that was a DJ?? Did he ever call/text/e-mail you?

 

I'd also like to add, the one time I grew a beard, it had A LOT of gray in it. The hair on my head had minimal amounts of gray, but the beard grew in quite gray. It made me look older than I was, so I shaved it off.

 

I just found being clean shaven to be quicker and easier to maintain.

[FMW]

I don't see anything wrong in his actions. I don't think any of it shows he's a "beta". Maybe he is, but I think it's too soon to make that call.

 

There's nothing wrong with you having "rules" about how a guy you would be interested in should act, but it seems that your rules are going to severely restrict your options.

 

Of everything you wrote, being bothered by his hair is probably something you won't get past so there's an attraction issue there for you (as an aside, my xH had very dark hair and his beard and mustache got a lot of gray in them well before the hair on his head). But you did say you liked him......

 

It's very possible that it was clear to him you weren't thrilled with him - most of us are not good at hiding all those negative thoughts running around in our head about another person - and that's the reason he hasn't reached out to you again.

 

If you have any interest in meeting up again, I see no reason to not reach out and at least say it was nice meeting him. It's just a courteous message and certainly not chasing him. If he ignores it, so what, again, you weren't too thrilled with him.

Edited June 8, 2019 by Finding my way

[BaileyB]

I wouldn't even notice if a guy didn't lead the way to a table. Is it really so important?

 

Agree. And, if I like a guy I am always the first to text and tell him that I enjoyed the evening... not sure why you are waiting for him to send the first text - except to say, it’s clear that you weren’t feeling it, and that ok. You are obviously not going to “click” with everyone...

 

BTW, my boyfriend’s stubble is coming in a little grey. He hates it, I personally find it super attractive....

[BaileyB]

There's nothing wrong with you having "rules" about how a guy you would be interested in should act, but it seems that your rules are going to severely restrict your options.

 

Agree. Giving the guy an arbitrary “strike” because he didn’t lead the way to the table seems a little rigid to me. In dealing with people and relationships, it’s important to be flexible and not to sweat the little things...

[alphamale]

alpha males rule!

 

mortensorchid you need to be less picky and stop over-anylizing everything

[mortensorchid]

Did you ever hear from the guy that was a DJ?? Did he ever call/text/e-mail you?

 

No never. He's active on Facebook but he has never reached out. Next.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Art_Critic]

I think you should throw out all the nonsense except what kind of a time you had and your feelings for that time.. you said you liked him..

The rest is garbage...

 

I have very little grey in my head.. just a few hairs on my temples but last year I grew out a beard, the beard was ENTIRELY grey and had no colored hair in it...

 

The beta stuff.. who knows.. he may get some self confidence if you smile at him and engage in a captivating conversation with him rather than leaving him with the feels he wasn't good enough for you.

 

Many times we are the ones in control of the outcomes and it seems you went into the coffee date with the idea you would hate him and think subpar things of him.

 

I'll bet the guy isn't all that bad...

 

Advice.. maybe turn the magnifying glass around and look at some of your own actions instead of putting him under the microscope, a first date is too early to pick someone apart.

 

Learn from this..

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

I agree that it seems like you just look for negative things about a guy. I mean, a guy who might dye his hair and a guy who let you choose where to sit? To me, those things are perfectly fine. Letting you choose where to sit is more courteous than him choosing where to sit, really.

 

You are hypercritical about petty things.

[Artdeco]

 

I doubt I will hear from him again, he was a beta and won't take charge of the situation. Did I like him? I did but he's got to take the lead now to make things go anywhere.

 

So why don’t you reach out then?

Why are you waiting for him? I don’t get it.

[lana-banana]

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I think calling anybody a "beta" is childish and rude, and encourages an unhealthy perspective. Being passive isn't necessarily a bad thing and being awkward doesn't make him less of a man than other men. How would you feel if a guy called you a "basic b-tch" or a "4/10" or anything else similarly demeaning? It's like you made a snap decision that he was this way and then spent the whole evening refusing to go beyond that.

[snowcones]

I just found being clean shaven to be quicker and easier to maintain.

 

 

I PREFER clean shaven men by far, and I don't even like goatees, but at my age (48) I'm unbothered by grey hair now. I almost blind to it, unless it's completely 100% silver. When I was 40 I was bothered by men with a lot of grey hair but not anymore. I guess I am slowly progressing in my tastes.

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[some_username1]

Well done on deconstructing this guy’s every move until it turns into a negative, OP. Let me know how this approach works out for you in the long run.

[some_username1]

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I think calling anybody a "beta" is childish and rude, and encourages an unhealthy perspective.

 

Not an unpopular opinion as far as I am concerned and a very interesting point in the #metoo era where a man has to be very careful in how he refers to a woman yet there is no social faux-pas in “beta-shaming” men

Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alphamale]

I PREFER clean shaven men by far,

 

most women do

[preraph]

Not an unpopular opinion as far as I am concerned and a very interesting point in the #metoo era where a man has to be very careful in how he refers to a woman yet there is no social faux-pas in “beta-shaming” men

 

She's not saying that TO him. This is kitchen table talk. It's not quite the same as a boss feeling up his employee, is it? People on here generally know what it means and it can cut the need for a lenghtier description.