Childhood trauma and dating

[GoldSparkz]

I'm one of those people who had the misfortune of experiencing a rough time growing up, including child abuse. I'm a strong person mentally so I deal with it well.

 

However, recently I got back into dating and met a nice man who is a complete gentleman. As we dated, he would often ask my about what it was like growing up. I always brushed him off and return the question to him. Eventually, after a few weeks it became awkward because I would never talk about myself and he seemed to be concerned.

 

Eventually I told him some things that happened, but was careful not to go over any details. I basically gave him an idea that my upbringing was volatile compared to his idyllic childhood.

 

We seem to bond a lot after that (although never slept together).

 

Then a week later he did the 'slow fade' on me. Didn't hear much from him. I didn't chase him so decided to move on. Then once I was over him, I texted him to return the books that he gave me.

 

He texted back saying that what I said affected him and he was struggling to 'be at ease' with it.

 

I said to him that if he can't accept it then fine, not my problem. I told him I'm moving on. There's nothing more to talk about. Now he seems to contact me more and more. Perhaps trying to get back in my life.

 

I'm not sure what to do with him. Any ideas? He's treated me very well compared to other guys. But the fact that he can't accept my difficult past is a red flag.

Edited May 22, 2019 by GoldSparkz
Bad spelling

[Lotsgoingon]

Just tell him you will answer any questions he has ... but don't chase and don't pull ... He could be freaking out temporarily ... or longer ... But you don't want to talk him into dating you.

 

I wanna go back and step. You can tell a story about tragedy, about abuse, at multiple levels.

 

For one, the fact that you're here writing this post says that there was something you got interested in during childhood. Some kind of activity, some kind of hobby or school.

 

I had a difficult childhood. There wasn't a lot of nurture in the household. There was a lot of pain ... I'm not sure you want to tell someone immediately that there was violence and abuse ... Tread carefully. This is not lying ... I had a therapist explain it to me this way.

 

You need people to bond with you ... once they bond with you ... as they bond with you ... they can handle your flaws better. She gave the example of a messy living space. Show that to someone on date 1 and they can freak out ... Show it to them on date 10 ... and they'll shake their heads, but they can at least process and think about this messiness being one part of your life.

 

Reveal too much sadness/trauma early on ... and the person half-way wants to comfort you and reassure you ... but they don't have the tools or knowledge of you to do so ... .

 

I went on a date once with a woman who later became a good friend ... But I'd had some good talks with her ... then on the date, I asked about her mother, and she said her mother committed suicide. Silence. OMG! I am never at a loss for words ... and loudmouth me was at a loss for words ... I may have asked if she had been depressed for a while ... might have asked how that affected her ... But we moved on ... We didn't date, but it was not because she told me that info ... It was awkward ... but not as awkward as revealing abuse, I imagine.

 

Has this happened before? ... that you revealed this info to someone only to see them pull back? ... I've suffered depression, come from a family with trauma, with ADHD ... with mental illness beyond depression. I've had struggles with various addictive behaviors ... I have learned that I do NOT need to share that information on date 1 or date 2 ... or if I share that ... I want to share it with some confidence ... Sometimes even humor ...

 

Here's the thing. Within a few months ... everybody's s@it comes up ... all kinds of pain and loss and family problems. You'll get to the deep reveal. No need to rush to get there.

 

And of course, this guy could simply be someone who doesn't the emotional comfort and depth you need. And that would have come up anyway ... and in not too long!

[d0nnivain]

It was his issue. Part of him probably thought that your past experiences were going to leave you emotionally vulnerable & needy. When you replied strongly that it's his problem & you showed you were willing to walk away he grew more at ease knowing that he wasn't going to have to be your amateur psychologist.

 

If he's back & being a good guy again, chalk this up to him taking a bit to process what you told him but now being willing to move forward. If he flakes again, revisit whether he's worth the effort.

[todreaminblue]

I would give the guy a chance and only talk about your history what you are comfortable with and when you feel comfortable to do so ...i also have history and i am open about it......i tend to date guys i know who know me and know i have history...i don't go into any great detail....

 

guys react in different ways to childhood abuse ......most of the time its hard for them to grasp......as it would be if the guy you were dating said to you i was abused as a child especially sexual abuse...i have met a few men who have been sexually abused as children...my openness allowed them to feel free to be open with me......

 

it is hard for guys to handle.....so i let them feel what they want to feel....and i haven't had a guy turn from me from my history ......but my dating process is slow and cautious.....for my own safety...i choose guys i have known a while.....who could most likely handle my history...very soft anxious guys are not for me.....i need a guy with a strong heart.....stronger than mine......deb