Should I stay or leave her?

[Umut17]

I started university at 14. When I was 16 I met this girl In the dorm. She was 20. The first time I saw her she was being wheeled into the ambulance for a drug overdose. I thought she’s problematic because I heard she used to abuse alcohol despite studying to become a psychiatrist. Then one day I sat with her and we spoke. I told her about a girl I was crushing on and she gave me advice and ideas.

Then one day I saw that cops came to the dorm and arrested her. She was upset and the next day I asked her to go and a walk and tell me what’s happening. She said that she came here with her best friend/ roommate and she was struggling to pay for her expenses while her friend kept on causing her problems. So she snapped and assaulted her. I watched her break down and try and fix the mess she made. Even when she got kicked out of this dorm and had a sanction at uni. I spent time with her everyday. She gave me advice, told me stories of her past and taught me life lessons. It got to a point where she used to crash in my room and sleep on my roommates bed. And fall asleep holding my hand. Then I realized I started having feelings for her. I was upset that she decided to leave a month before the semester ended. So I rented a car with 2 of our friends and took her on a road trip for 3 days. When she traveled I gifted her a perfume and said I’d want for her next semester.

 

During the summer we spoke every day. Sending voice notes and texts. It drove me crazy when she would reply late or ignore. I would cry myself to sleep and cut my wrists when she would ignore me and I spoke to my friends about it. But when they would go and talk to her she got angry as to why I didn’t confront her. To make it up, I sent her best friend money and asked her to buy her a necklace, a rose and print the letter I bought for her.

Few months later she came back and I picked her up from the airport in a cab with flowers and chocolate. She came back with gifts for me. She had a glow up and was more beautiful than ever. We spent time together again, I would

Cook for her, watch movies and cuddle her. She is the type that would only date if she’s in love and sees a future. Distant from her dad and no siblings she grew up alone. She told me how she was in a 4 year emotionally/sexually and even abusive relationship with her male best friend and it scarred her (16-20). And she needed time and space to get over it.

 

Then one day she met a guy and they both seemed interested in each other even though she’s the hard to get type. While I was sitting with her at a cafe, he asked if he can sit with us and she said yes. I felt the tension between them and then he asked her for a walk around campus. She agreed and I offered to come because I didn’t trust her alone with a guy at midnight. She said she’s old enough and she’ll be fine.

While she went to change, I told the guy “listen I know you both like each other but I swear don’t you dare touch this girl or do something without her wanting it.” He got offended and promised me.

I didn’t have a good feeling so I waited outside the dorm. 2 hours later I found her walking, in tears, messy hair and clothes and bloody feet. I ran to her and she just fell on her knees and screamed “he raped me. I was just being nice because he said his mom had died and I tried to comfort him. But then he forced himself on me.”

I ran and tried to find hm but he was gone.

 

The next day, me and a few guys found him and took care of him by beating him at her dorm and the police took him. She refused for a court case because she wanted to move on and forget.

After that she changed. She started drinking more heavily, getting associated with bad people who did drugs, crying at random times. She also ended up breaking her foot and was struggling in a wheelchair. Me and her 2 other close male friends helped her and took care of her. She was also there for us but she seemed damaged. I decided to get her treated for alcoholism by taking her to a doctor who prescribed her Xanax. It worked at first but then she relapsed again and she kept drinking and remembering old ghosts of her past.

At times we got toxic for each other and would fight. It’s usually when I ask her to give me a chance to date me and she refuses and gets frustrated. When she fights she gets angry and also physical if pushed. We stayed away from each other for a month while she was away on break, and when she came back she bonded with me again. I kept on opening the subject she hated the most which was “what should I do about my feelings for you.?” Every time her response was th same. That she loved me as a best friend and would always be there but she can’t have feelings for anyone and she can’t force it. And she doesn’t want to lead me on or give me false hope. She also mentions the age that she’s 22 now and I’m still a minor. Then I ask why do we do things couples do? She said that’s how she shows her love to her friends.

 

She was okay for a bit then found out her grandmother who raised her and taught her the real values had cancer. She started drinking and hanging out with bad people.

Eventually she cut them off after she realized they were enablers and she started getting sick. Everyday she would throw up, start shaking and sweating and get moody. She said she was done and is going to get help again from the doctor and wants to quit forever. And change to the person she used to be before letting toxic substances control her. She seemed determined and asked me to stay by her side until her treatment. But I decided to leave her. I said goodbye on good terms and hugged her and kissed her hands and cheeks for the last time. When I left she was crying. And she said she thought we would always be friends and have our bond

 

Should I stay away or go back to her?

What is the right thing to do ?

[Foxhall]

Normally my outlook is to stand by the person in need and always help out a friend in difficulty,

 

 

In this case my feeling is you should let her go, because it is causing you too much anxiety,

 

 

despite all the help you have given to her, she has not displayed any inclination of being your girlfriend which is what you want at the end of the day,

it will be a continuous pattern for you and could drive you back to cutting your wrists (did I read that correctly- no girl or no other person is worth that by the way- you look after yourself first and foremost)

 

 

so look it is good you have got to a stage that you are able to "let her go"

 

 

do this and get on with your life.

[The Outlaw]

Let her go. To her, you're probably just a friend, nothing more. Try as you may, and you'll understand this more when you get older, there are just some people that don't want to be helped. They have to want it. At this stage her in life, and this isn't a judgement call, she may not. Trust me, I know this feeling all too well. But it's also draining you.