Started off great but now i'm not sure

[go_get_em_bob]

Hi All,

 

(First post) - I have a weird problem that I don't think has developed into a major issue yet, but I can definitely sense a change and I've made some mistakes. Wondering how to rebound.

 

I've known this girl off and on for about 10 years. Originally, back in the day, I asked her out, didnt realize she was in a relationship, i tried to delete her after her bf went ape ****, she instantly added me back, and we disengaged....she reached out to me a few years later, i ignored, and recently i saw her come up on tinder and playfully messaged her, ended up going on a date, was electric first date, momentum continued, ended up having sex etc, and spending some long nights out etc.

 

She just got out of a 3 year marriage, and the guy kept coming back around after this electric "fling" because he is foreign and they had stuff in name etc, and he kept having to do things "supposedly" like get his taxes sorted (cause he doesnt know how), pick up his car to drive back across the province back home etc.... This apparently really threw her off and caused her to say things like "im still trying to find it within myself if i want to date again" and she even told me it was throwing her off cause she still wanted it to work out but the guy is having none of it and has even told her in words that theyre done with no chance of ever getting back together.

 

I got sort of hurt because i let down my walls for the first time in a while and figured it had a high probability of working out etc (weak i know, but also consider that i've wanted to develop feeling with this person forever)...this isnt somebody who i just randomly met. we knew each other for a looooong time and it just started out a little more than a random first date.

 

I got a bit distant and after a few weeks she asked me what was up etc and i was super direct about it just like "yeah i wanna keep seeing you but im not down if you're not emotionally available or are still holding on to any feelings, let me know when you're good, but i wouldnt be dealing with this guy coming around throwing her in dazes and forcing me to start over all the time" and she immediately told me she wasnt holding on to anything anymore and continued our convo like nothing just happened.

 

(Now granted, a few times, i made my feelings possibly too clear and definitely communicated some weakness, but im not that experienced and i mean well. I'm not a life skid mark or anything. I have a dope job, a lot of hobbies, and definitely have a good pool of women that i could see, but nobody as bomb as this girl. looks and personality combined)

 

We were able to go out and have a good date recently, still kissing at the end, and some really solid signals throughout the night and our communication is really strong with non-boring convos.

 

But this brings me to the problem - It's become like pulling teeth to get her to actually go out and do something lately. She has a job that takes her offline for a few days a week and a kid who she has all the time other than every other weekend (not that this matters, weve gotten intimate with the kid there after hes gone to sleep). I felt like i was over-persuing, backed off, and she seemed not to like it, so i went back to trying to make dates. I assumed this past weekend when she didnt have her kid and it was "prime time" to hang out, that she would reach out, but she didnt, and i dont really feel like im prioritized. Not that I need to be but it had just been a week and a bit since we had done anything.

 

We talk over messenger every single day. I stopped initiating contact every day, and every day she will usually message me first, and has been asking why i've been "quiet". After this, it sort of kicks off our convo for the day and i would say we have a pretty consistent convo all the way until bed time with maybe some hour breaks or so between messages. I've also told her extremely directly that my intentions with her are absolutely not platonic and i dont want it going down that road (this was after she asked me why i was quiet). I've ALSO directly asked her if shes even down with continuing if we slowed down, and she directly told me yes (weak move, i know, dont slay me.)

 

My question is, should I just be saying **** it? Am i being a dumbass for continuing to talk to her even if she hasn't once asked if i want to hang out? I'm not looking for a penpal here. We get along great, i would never fear getting rejected if say i went in for a kiss, regardless of what has happened at any point. I know I would get it, and it wouldnt be a peck....I'm just very confused. I want to believe that shes just busy, but if I'm honest, i'm more busy and I make time for her because shes worth it, but maybe she isnt as worth as i think? It's possible i've appeared to be too available, but again, ive walked away for 10 years and ignored her even when she would message me saying "hey its been forever we should hang out"

 

I've blown off a lot of girls who have asked to go on dates because i tend to be a monogamist for simplicity sake because i dont like leading somebody on if im not serious. This has almost been the 3rd month now, and I'm getting frustrated and feel like im getting jerked around a bit.

 

If i were to just stop responding to her messages each day, she would instantly pick up on it and think im playing games or something which i do not do, im just direct. and she knows this. It's a big reason why i think shes down in the first place is because i DONT do **** like that.

 

Best course of action? I'm done being emotionally tortured. I have no problem waiting or going slow. I just want to know its going.

[preraph]

She's still after her husband. You're not going to be first priority, and I assume that is their child together. He's not really going anywhere.

[go_get_em_bob]

She's still after her husband. You're not going to be first priority, and I assume that is their child together. He's not really going anywhere.

 

It's not their child. And her husband lives 6 hours away. "Husband" just from technical terms. I'm sure if it wasn't me she wouldn't have even accepted a date from anyone. But even though I told her I'm not down to be a backup and she said she wasn't looking at me as someone to rebound with, do you think women lie about that if they are that direct?

[go_get_em_bob]

also, i would say its more weird cause she isnt against hanging out if it perfectly matches up with her schedule...but again, never reaching out to let me know she has spare time. but if i happen to ask when she free sometimes shes down

[ExpatInItaly]

also, i would say its more weird cause she isnt against hanging out if it perfectly matches up with her schedule...but again, never reaching out to let me know she has spare time. but if i happen to ask when she free sometimes shes down

 

This is because you are just not a priority to her right now. She is spending her time and energy on other things.

 

She told you herself she still wanted her husband back. That should have been you cue to exit stage left, regardless of any back-pedaling she did after that slipped out. Add to that her busy schedule and responsibilities with her child, and you don't have a woman who is in the right place in life to date right now.

 

Her current frame of mind has very little to do with you, and thus there really isn't much you can do to change the course of this. She first needs to be emotionally healed from the end of her marriage. Maybe that will happen soon, maybe it will take a long time - but the point is that she isn't healed yet. How long ago did they split up?

[go_get_em_bob]

This is because you are just not a priority to her right now. She is spending her time and energy on other things.

 

She told you herself she still wanted her husband back. That should have been you cue to exit stage left, regardless of any back-pedaling she did after that slipped out. Add to that her busy schedule and responsibilities with her child, and you don't have a woman who is in the right place in life to date right now.

 

Her current frame of mind has very little to do with you, and thus there really isn't much you can do to change the course of this. She first needs to be emotionally healed from the end of her marriage. Maybe that will happen soon, maybe it will take a long time - but the point is that she isn't healed yet. How long ago did they split up?

 

December after a 3 year marriage

[preraph]

It's not their child. And her husband lives 6 hours away. "Husband" just from technical terms. I'm sure if it wasn't me she wouldn't have even accepted a date from anyone. But even though I told her I'm not down to be a backup and she said she wasn't looking at me as someone to rebound with, do you think women lie about that if they are that direct?

 

Well, that's good news! But is he still coming around and getting her to do things for him and she's dropping everything to do it? I know you said he told her it was over, but she sounds like she was still trying with him. And what about the baby's father? Why aren't they sharing joint custody so she has more time and he has more responsibility for the child? That's the norm these days. Equal time. Any chance she's hung up on him? At least she should change custody as long as the child isn't still nursing, that is.

[preraph]

Children take up ALL of a mother's time, by the way, pretty much. So you can't overstate how much time a kid takes up and how tired you are from it.

[smackie9]

I wouldn't call your situation a rebound. She's just out of a marriage and I doubt she wants to jump right into a serious relationship at this time. TBH I don't think she knows what she wants. You keep contradicting yourself...one min you say you can wait/slow down, the next you are saying you are emotionally tortured. You are not fooling anyone here. You are head over heels, can barley control yourself.....and what I see is she doesn't feel as intense for you as you do for her and it's eating you up inside. Sorry but you can't always get what you want. There are no guarantees in life, and it can't be more so true in your situation. If you want her that bad, you are going to have to make the sacrifices necessary to try and make this possibly work. All your patience may or may not pay off....that's the chance you are going to have take. It is what it is.

[go_get_em_bob]

Well, that's good news! But is he still coming around and getting her to do things for him and she's dropping everything to do it? I know you said he told her it was over, but she sounds like she was still trying with him. And what about the baby's father? Why aren't they sharing joint custody so she has more time and he has more responsibility for the child? That's the norm these days. Equal time. Any chance she's hung up on him? At least she should change custody as long as the child isn't still nursing, that is.

 

no chance shes hung up on the father and theres no chance i'm about to suggest a different custody situation for her kid that she loves.

[go_get_em_bob]

I wouldn't call your situation a rebound. She's just out of a marriage and I doubt she wants to jump right into a serious relationship at this time. TBH I don't think she knows what she wants. You keep contradicting yourself...one min you say you can wait/slow down, the next you are saying you are emotionally tortured. You are not fooling anyone here. You are head over heels, can barley control yourself.....and what I see is she doesn't feel as intense for you as you do for her and it's eating you up inside. Sorry but you can't always get what you want. There are no guarantees in life, and it can't be more so true in your situation. If you want her that bad, you are going to have to make the sacrifices necessary to try and make this possibly work. All your patience may or may not pay off....that's the chance you are going to have take. It is what it is.

 

This seems spot on. I'm definitley head over heels. Didn't mean to suggest otherwise. I'm wondering if suggesting to her that i'm willing to walk away would make anything better or worse. The problem is when I walk away, she DOES always message me back after alot of time but I'm always in other situations by then. I just cant get the stars to align with this girl.

[go_get_em_bob]

ive actually just decided to walk away. i got bailed on tn and its unacceptable. i know my worth anyways. sucks when you cant get the one you want more than anything

[smackie9]

This seems spot on. I'm definitley head over heels. Didn't mean to suggest otherwise. I'm wondering if suggesting to her that i'm willing to walk away would make anything better or worse. The problem is when I walk away, she DOES always message me back after alot of time but I'm always in other situations by then. I just cant get the stars to align with this girl.

That only triggers desire temporarily. Manipulation doesn't make anything stick. Rejection sets of dopamine in the brain....what you are going to keep rejecting her to like you? You are losing precious time, and missing other opportunities...this infatuation will wear off and she will be nothing but a distant memory.