planb1973 Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 I have reached a point where I am very tiered of holding on to my decision to not have women over for sleepovers when my son is around. 14 years now of the constant trying to fit schedules together to be sexual with women I am dating. And now he wants to live with me more or less full time. At what point do you just get to say "Kid, your dad likes women and sex, go to your room and put on your headphones, someone is coming over." I have done plenty of dating over the years and always had a rule that the relationship must have 8 months before they are allowed to meet my child and periodic sleepovers can begin. But now after taking a 9 month sabbatical from dating of any sort and having just meet someone I so want to say "Your dad is a slut, deal with it, close your door." A bit rant and a bit wondering how others deal with teenage kids at home when you want to bring your new squeeze to your bed. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 At what point do you just get to say "Kid, your dad likes women and sex, go to your room and put on your headphones, someone is coming over." Never. You never say this to your kid. How old is he? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kelliousme Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 Yeah, really depends on how old he is. You CAN say those words to him, but he may react differently depending on his maturity/personality. If my father were to say that to me now, since I'm an adult and I understand single parents wants to date and have fun too, I'd leave the house and let them have their fun together Now if your son is the type who wants you all to himself, frowns upon the idea of you having another woman in your life.. then obviously you can't say those words to him. Why don't you go to her house? Hotel? OR does it really matter if your son is just IN the house? The walls are that thin huh... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 I'd also question the quality of women who would be down for this..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planb1973 Posted April 22, 2019 Author Share Posted April 22, 2019 Never. You never say this to your kid. How old is he? I would never actually say that to my son. He is 16 and it has been a few years since I have had a relationship strong enough for introductions to be made. Plus I don't date women who would be down with that anyway, in fact I have never met a woman who would think that was acceptable. But at what age do you get to have your life back. 18, 20, 25? He is the type of kid who is not going to leave the nest willingly. I have been a 50/50 parent for 14 years now, though he is starting to push hard to live with me full time and I can't help but feel bad for thinking NO I need some time to be myself. I would never put a woman or my desires in front of my responsibilities as a parent, nor would I create situations that would make any party involved uncomfortable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 I have been a 50/50 parent for 14 years now, though he is starting to push hard to live with me full time and I can't help but feel bad for thinking NO I need some time to be myself. Don't feel bad. I'm also a 50/50 parent and I need time to myself as well! When you're doing 100% of the parenting without a partner, it's natural to want a break. How does his mother feel about relinquishing her time with him to you? As much as I like my breaks, I wouldn't want my kids to be away from me MORE than 50% of the time.....would it really be fair to her? You could try that angle with your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author planb1973 Posted April 22, 2019 Author Share Posted April 22, 2019 Don't feel bad. I'm also a 50/50 parent and I need time to myself as well! When you're doing 100% of the parenting without a partner, it's natural to want a break. How does his mother feel about relinquishing her time with him to you? As much as I like my breaks, I wouldn't want my kids to be away from me MORE than 50% of the time.....would it really be fair to her? You could try that angle with your son. I have been avoiding the subject with his mom. She is impossible to have open discussions with and him moving in full time will not go over well. Also a child needs both their parents involvement so NO is the answer. Though I feel bad because they are fighting all the time and I can see the frustration in his eyes when he gets to my house or has to go back. It is hard to deal with, his issues with her are the exact reason I am not with her, I do everything I can to encourage healthy relationships between them, but to no avail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 I say do it. Your son knows if you're a good dad or not and he's just going to have to get over the fact that you have a life too and your own desires. I suggest you get a girlfriend though, so it's the same woman, and not just screwing anything that breathes. And don't be too loud and walking around naked in front of him. Nobody likes that, not even adults. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 (edited) He's 16, he's old enough to be left alone for the night. Go to the woman's place to have sex, or get a hotel room. Or better yet, let your son sleep over at a buddy's place for the weekend. Yes I know he's old enough to know everyone needs sexual contact with people they are dating, but I doubt it will go over well with your ex knowing this is going on. thinking back when I was 16...I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Edited April 22, 2019 by smackie9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 Is there someone in your life now that you’re in a relationship with? Or is this just for the future? To answer your question about when parenting ends the answer is never. You’ll never stop being the man he calls dad. I’d just put off sexy time for when he’s not there or go someplace else if he’s there a lot of the time. Once he’s more comfortable around her it may change but if he barely knows her it could be awkward for him to know she spent the night. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 If you do that, it's the same as giving him permission to bring a new girl over every week and have sex with her. You lead by example. So you have to show that you only sleep with women after you've gotten to know them for months if you don't want to just set this kid up to be a teen baby daddy. You can go on dates and do it at her house. Why isn't that an option? Or a motel, or if you live somewhere cheap, maybe you even get yourself a little bachelor pad with someone who has a spare room and is a bachelor himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 If you do that, it's the same as giving him permission to bring a new girl over every week and have sex with her. ................................... I'm going to soon be in this position myself, and it's actually something I've been thinking about. Except... I have girls. If I'm dating someone, and have her over... will that give a signal to my kid it's ok to be this way?? I don't know. But, I guess it could. I have a lot to think about. Sorry... no point, just reflecting on my future. (ugh) Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 Yes! It's the same as giving them permission. You are telling them, This is normal and acceptable. They aren't discriminating between you, for example, dating a woman for four months and then bringing her home and them getting some girl drunk and bringing her home. It exposes you to liability in that sense. It's also giving them too much of a peek into your personal life and exposing them to strangers that may not be good for them. And it's just creepy having your parents' sex life thrown in your face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 My boyfriend has a teenage son who will pretty soon end up living with him full time. There were no women coming to the house during the years his dad was single. I didn’t meet his son until we had dated for six months, and even then I was told - only if I was committed and we were serious. I didn’t sleep over until I had known his son for a year and a half. And even them, I think I’ve stayed over when his son was present three nights in the three years we have been dating. We have never had sex when his son was in the house. Now, we have taken things really slow because we wanted to be respectful of his son and we wanted to do it right. As such, he has never given us a moment of grief. He has been polite to me and accepting of our relationship. But still, random women coming to the home for sex when a child is present - I wouldn’t never do it. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 He's 16, he's old enough to be left alone for the night. Go to the woman's place to have sex, or get a hotel room. Or better yet, let your son sleep over at a buddy's place for the weekend. Yes I know he's old enough to know everyone needs sexual contact with people they are dating, but I doubt it will go over well with your ex knowing this is going on. thinking back when I was 16...I wouldn't be comfortable with that. My best friends mother died of cancer when we were 14 years old. Her father had another woman waiting before her mother even passed. He didn’t actually come home the night she passed, my friend came to our door and my mom brought her in to stay the night. Her father dated a few women over the next few years, staying with them for the weekend or bringing them to his home. It damaged my friend (a teenage girl) more than I can say. It felt like abandonment. My family was whole and spending time together. She was alone, while her father was exploring other relationships. It was the talk of the town (small town). It changed the course of her life. Perhaps this experience is what influenced my decision to take things slow and always put the need of the child ahead of the adult. Yes, they may be teens but they are still children. They need their parents, whether they know it or not. The other alternative - child at home while parent is staying with his latest girlfriend - is harmful to the emotional well being and development of a child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 ...................... But still, random women coming to the home for sex when a child is present - I wouldn’t never do it. Sorry. Oh... I agree with that. Random women... no. There will be plenty of times where the kids are will mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted April 22, 2019 Share Posted April 22, 2019 But at what age do you get to have your life back. 18, 20, 25? He is the type of kid who is not going to leave the nest willingly. I got my life back as you put it when all three sons were successfully launched. I started motivating them at age 15 they were going to choose to get a job, go to College, work towards a career or go to the service after High School. Sitting around the house playing Xbox while I go to work was not an option. They all did part time summer jobs during high school. 1st one launched when he was 18 and the other followed soon after. Some reaction from people was I was being overly firm. Perhaps but then I don't have a 20 sum yr old kid with no direction sitting on my couch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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